Ah, ok that makes sense.  All I see up here is trees and tundra so I had no idea.

 

Whiskey and rye may also have been involved.

 

Dude. I lost, and I mean I fucking lost. I'm still losing. I'm going to hell anyway so I don't feel guilty about this kind of video anymore. That is medicine.

At least that guy had the presence of mind to keep the treat out front while he was stumbling.

omg need....keyboard....

Very funny...missed that clip before

but now, no more pie.

The kid has a future in the NFL...





As a referee.

...and the water. And then the stove. And then the kitchen.


So there I was, about 15 years old. I was watching my younger siblings and decided to make spaghetti.

There's directions on the back of the spaghetti package. LAME. Directions are for stupid people.

I grabbed the largest pot I could find, and filled it with water. I placed it on the stovetop at maximum heat, because fuck waiting for water to boil, right?
The water gets up to a decent boil, so I add the noodles. The water gets to a higher boil. It's to the point that water is splashing over the side.
Clearly I don't understand something, so I refer to the directions.



bla bla bla 2 tbsp cooking oil bla bla bla

Oh! Of course I need cooking oil! I'm cooking, right? Cooking oil! About thaaaaat much.
Hey, it stopped boiling all over the stove!
If a little bit made it stop bubbling all over, then maybe a lot will make it cook right. Hmm. Half a bottle should do. I don't want to waste it.

Boil

Boil

Boil splort

Boil splash

BoiKER-WOOSH


I don't know if you've ever set water on fire, but I have. I didn't have the slightest damn clue what to do when water is on fire... so I threw more water on it. This made the flames spread to the kitchen walls. The ancient wall paper quickly conflagrated. Here I am, kitchen sink sprayer in hand,everything I see is on fire -  oven, walls, spaghetti, table, chairs - and the fucking water is burning. I stand there. Stunned and confused. And frightened. A thin stream of water jets from the sink sprayer, hopelessly splattering more burning fire water everywhere. The only thing somehow not burning is the belt my mom is going to beat me with.

The thought of the beating I was to receive when it was discovered that I burned down the house spurned me into action. You know the action. It's the kind where you are young, just broke something, and have to invent a miracle to solvehide it.

So I get to inventin'. I shut off the stovetop and start stomping the firewater on the floor to put it out. The kitchen walls get a healthy dose of milk, ice tea, and whatever the hell else was cold and wet and available.

I eventually managed to put the fire out, and disposed of the burnt spaghetti sticks. That's one problem solved.

There was still the issue of the burn marks up and down the wall. I washed as much of it off as I could. I then pushed the stove to the side to cover the huge burn marks that wouldn't wash off. I was plucking burnt spaghetti noodles off of the higher parts of the wall when I heard her pull in from work.
I went outside, terrified I was going to die, and said:
"Hi, mom! I'm going over to my friends house. Oh yeah, and my brother drank all the milk. Bye!"

That was impressive.

I promised the Good Lord that I would NEVER bitch about stepping on legos again.  



Here's why:



One Christmas, my daughter gets a Jacks set in her stocking.. I didn't think a thing about it.  She was around 7 at the time, and her room was always messy.  I went to tuck her in a few weeks later, was in my bathrobe, no slippers, and guess what I fucking stepped in.



After pulling six of those motherfuckers out of my foot, and using every word in the english language that a good, God-fearing man shouldn't, I realized that there are far worse things to step on than legos, like real honest to God fucking caltrops for kids.  



I wear shoes when I go near my children's rooms now, and no toys are allowed in the rest of the house, which means the only thing I have to worry about is the fucking cow hooves that my dogs love SO MUCH and can leave a deep 2" cut on your foot if you step on them just right.



 

I see more fail with the firefighters in the basket than the guy on the vette.

Why did you take a picture of an empty parking space? What am I supposed to see. Wait. Are those headlights floating?????

No freeloading:

Everyone in the room is asking me if I'm "Ok"!!!

Actually, they're reptiles.

A Camaro hunting wagon...still not as useless as a Corvette mud-bogger!  

Lost hard, man!

Well done.

TRG

It's the 40th anniversary of one of major league baseballs funniest blunders, affectionately called The Mistake by The Lake.

10 cent beer night

ESPN link with video by Bob Golic

probably an inkie too...

it's only gay if the balls touch.

 

and if you don't pull out.

That guy's amazing! I tried to friend his page on fb but he has too many friend requests.

@0:10

Ignore him - he's probably a quack whore.

I swear that was the funniest thing I've ever read in this thread.

 

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/red_velvet_mite

I thought it was funny.  Man hit by a train.

You're from Denmark, so why would that matter?