When I was a little younger I worked as an unarmed security officer. I mostly worked grave yards at various sites in Utah. I had some interesting "experiences" to say the least. I thought it would be a good idea to share some of the highlights with ARFCOM.

We will be going semi-chronologically.

First posting I had was for only a few days at a truck stop.

Basically all I did was walk the parking lot, make sure no one was sleeping in the customer parking lot, and chase off any suspicious people.

My first night on the job went something like this.

Killswitch: Hi I'm Killswitch. The FIRM sent me to be your night watchman.

Truck Stop Supervisor: Yeah, I kinda figured since you're dressed up like that.

Killswitch: Uh...yeah...well....what would you like me to do first?

TSS: Take this flashlight and go walk the lot. Kick anyone off that looks like they don't belong here. DON'T DISTURB THE TRUCKERS!

KS: Yeah, no problem.

So I go walk the lot, making sure not to shine my light in any truck cabs. I come across what looks like a lady climbing out of a truck cab. "She" starts walking my way.

Now before she gets 10 feet from me this horrible stink hits my nose...like ass, sweaty coochy, feet, and tobacco smoke. I start to gag. I realize the smell is coming from this "woman".

Because she is now looking at me I try to adjust my vector so as not to come any closer to her. Well that did not work as she changes her direction of movement to coincide with mine. She speed up and starts calling out "Hey, cutie! HEY!"

I stop, hold my breath, and wait for her to catch up to me. I get my first "good" look at this....person...."she" is plump, sweaty, has matted bleached hair, streaked mascara, and has a voice like 30 miles of pot holes.

Great....my first lot lizard....

AND I have my suspicions that she is really a male tranny. Grody.

KS: Yes ma'am, how can I help you?

Tranny/Lot-lizard: Hey there cutie! I haven't seen you here before. Are you new?

KS: Uh...yeah, this is my first night.

T/L-L: Awww....well my name is Porsche. I hang out here a lot. Say, you're kinda cute! You got a girlfriend?

KS: Uh....yeah, I do. [I lied]

T/L-L: Oh, well...are you guys serious? Does she put out?

KS: Well....we aren't really to that part of our relationship yet. So.......yeah......

T/L-L: Well, cuz yer new I'll give you a BJ over there in the bushes where no one can see us.

KS: HUH?!?!?! Uh...no! That's OK! I've got a lot of work to do, and I don't think that would be appropriate.

T/L-L: WELL FUCK YOU THEN YOU STUCK UP RENT-A-COP!

KS: Uh...have a nice night ma'am!

And she stormed away picking a wedgie....

I go back into the store to check on things. I walk up to the supervisor at the counter.

KS: How is everything in here?

TSS: Why? What's it to you?

KS: I was just being nice. Thought I'd check on you to make sure everything is OK in here.

TSS: WELL DON'T!!!

KS: OK....sorry....

The rest of my short stay there was uneventful. I was transfered to a manufacturing site about a week and a half later because I had EMS training.

Part two to come soon.

8.4 so far

Must be fun!

Jobs like that scream "Sit on your ass until told specifically to get up and do something by your supervisor."

You were likely only there for insurance purposes.

Part two: The manufacturing site.

My second post was a manufacturing site near the airport. I won't give out company names, but they make parts for BIG BIG things. This place was MASSIVE!

My first night.

KS: Hi, I'm Killswitch.

Krystal: High, I'm Krystal. I'm the site supervisor here. If you have any questions just ask me. Mostly you will be doing general security, but from time to time we do have medical situations that you will be expected to respond to. Nothing major normaly.

KS: It's nice to meet you. That sounds fine with me. What do you want me to do first?

Krystal: Well you'll be working with Matt for most of the night. He's out in the gate house. Go on out and let him know you're here. Make sure he sees you coming. DON'T EVER SNEAK UP ON MATT.

KS: Don't sneak up on Matt...got it.

So I walk out to the gate house to meet Matt. Now Matt was retired from the Army. He was an Airborn Ranger, and was one of the most bad ass people I have ever met in my life.
But the reason you NEVER sneak up on Matt is because he has a BAD case of PTSD and has been know to put people to the ground if they sneak up on him.

I walk up, making sure that Matt can see me coming, and open the door to the gate house.

KS: You must be Matt.

Matt: That;s what my Mama named me.

KS: Well Matt, I'm Killswitch. Krystal said you were going to show me the ropes.

Matt: Yeah, I can do that. C'mon kid...lets go for a walk.

Well we walk the production floor, check the boiler room, water tower, fire suppression units...stuff like that. He also tells me a little about the other officers that work there. Seems like a cool bunch of people.

I end my night with the sun coming up and Bob and Tom on the radio. My relief comes and I go home.

A few weeks later I'm working with an officer named Brady. Now Brady is a full time firefighter, is totally ripped, and bald. He is also one of the craziest MoFo's I have ever met.

One time when we were on day shift, we were both in the gate house and he sees a fox in the field across the street.

So this crazy, glorious bastard takes off at a full run, leaps the fence to the field, and starts chasing this fox. Literally for like, 8 or 9 minutes tries to catch this fox.

He walks back in, dripping with sweat, and says "Almost caught the damn thing this time!"

Another time when we were working graves together he was walking the floor and I was in the gate house.

The radio crackles:

Brady: Hey KS!

KS: Yeah Brady?

Brady: Hey bro, there are two chicks getting it on in the ladies room. Wanna come see?

KS: You're messing with me!

Brady: Would I lie to you?

KS: Probably, yeah.

Brady: Well I'm not now, come check this out. Or are you a fag?

KS: I'm not a fag....

Brady: Prove it ya big queer! Come check this out...

So I lock the gates down and go walking in, thinking "Something is up. How does Brady know there are chicks having sex in the bathroom?"

I walk up to Brady and he's grinning like the Devil himself.

Brady: Go check it out dude....last stall.

KS: Dude...you're so full of shit.

Brady: Homo.

KS: Fine...whatever.

So I walk in, creep down to the last stall. I hear moaning, kissing, panting, wet sounds....stuff like that.

I bend over to peak under the stall and suddenly someone in a mask jumps out at me, screaming like a mad man, and jumps on top of me.

Well I wasn't expecting this so I scream like a little girl and start slapping....yes, slapping....at my assailant.

Brady is laughing his ass off, red in the face. The other guy, who was the production floor manager, is laughing even harder. In his hand is a tape recorder with sex sounds coming from it.

I had been punk'd.

KS: You guys are dicks!

Brady: Dude, fuck you! that was funny!


I never did get back at them.

I used to do the unarmed security. Same deal, large industrial complex. The looks we got from the workers could burn a hole through diamond. They were union and thought we were there to look for reasons for them to get fired

Why did Krystal change her name to Cheryl?

The bathroom stall is some funny shit
Ill have to remembe that one

Part 3: New guy sneaks up on Matt.

A few months go by...

So it started out as a normal night. We are training a new guy. He is inside the gate house with me.

KS: Ok New Guy. Matt is inside the building in the reception area. He's going to show you the rounds. Be sure you don't sneak up on him, it's bad ju-ju.

NG: What? How bad would it be if I sneak up on him?

KS: Dunno....no one has been dumb enough to do it. Don't be the first ok?

NG: Sure dude, whatever...

So I watch on the CCTV monitors as dumb ass proceeds to sneak up on, and grab Matt.

I didn't have sound but I'm pretty sure it went something like this:

NG grabs Matt's shoulder. Matt grabs NG's wrist and forarm and throws him onto his chest, pulling NG's arm straight back, and places his knee on NG's neck.

Matt: JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING TO TWINKLE TOED COCKSUCKER?

NG: Please sir, I'm so sorry, I will never do that again! DON'T KILL ME!

Matt: I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU TOO YOU SHIT HEAD! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR MALFUNCTION?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!

NG goes running out of the reception area, holding his shoulder, and quite visibly crying his eyes out.

He walks into the gate house, tears in his eyes.

KS: I TOLD you not to sneak up on Matt.

So besides your mag-lite, did you at least get a pointy stick?

That last one sounds extremely fabricated.

Quoted: Why did Krystal change her name to Cheryl?

Sorry...I'm trying to protect identities. Must've typed it by accident.

Tag for more good stories

MOAR!

ETA: This is a TAG

Quoted: Quoted: Why did Krystal change her name to Cheryl? Sorry...I'm trying to protect identities. Must've typed it by accident.

the bathroom story and the last one, extremely funny. I have to tag this.

Not a tag...

Quoted: Tag for more good stories

I did security for a while. What a hoot.
If you work security, don't worry about the people you're supposed to be watching, and don't worry about the client.
But NEVER, EVER turn your back on your coworkers... Most of them are not mentally stable. A lot of them are on drugs and paranoid as fuck.
I could type up some of my stories again to compete with killswitch, but it'd take forever

Part 4: The Motel 6.

Well I worked for the manufacturing place for nearly a year. A good friend of mine worked for a rival security company and offered me a job with more money. I took it and worked at a Motel 6 for a few months. I also met one of my best friends at this job.

My first night on the job, a Friday night.

I walk into the office and meet the Hotel Manager.

HM: You must be Killswitch.

KS: That's me. Looks like I'm your new guard.

HM: Great! Well our night auditor will be here soon. He will be the guy that you'll be working with most nights. His name is Lane. Before he gets here I just want to let you know what you will be doing mostly. Basically you will be walking the lot, checking in on Lane, helping guests if they need it, and keeping people out of the pool at night. Pretty simple right?

KS: Sounds like a cake walk!

Well Lane, my now friend, arrives. Lane is a metal head, and also a bit of a druggy. He is one of the funniest guys I have ever met, especially when he is baked. He got lost i his own back seat once while high. He thought it was the front seat and couldn't find the steering wheel.

Radio crackles:

Lane: Dude, could you come up here? I need your help.

KS: Sure, no problem.

I walk up to the office and Lane is standing there with this nasty ass canister vacuum. This thing smells like shit. I will soon find out why it smells like shit.

Lane: Dude, the lady room 105 clogged her shitter and it's flooded her bathroom.

KS: So you want me to watch the office while you go fix it?

Lane: Uhhh...not exactly. I need YOU to go unclog it.

KS: HUH?!?! I'm not a plumber!

Lane: I know bro, but I have to stay here and you're the only person on site to do it.

KS: Awww....fuck my life!

So I schlep this nasty ass shitty vacuum to this lady's room. She opens the door and the smell hits me. It's HORRID! Not only is it flooded, but she used her towels to mop up the shitty water...it's nasty!

So I vacuum up the water, put the shitty wet towels in a plastic bag, plunge her toilet, and leave.

I get on the radio.

KS: I have no dignity left.

Lane: Dude, I've been here longer and seen worse...you'll get used to it.

KS: But I don't wanna get used to it!!!!

So I put up the vacuum ad take the towels to the laundry room, feeling dirty and used.

at the stall prank...

EXACTLY what I'd expect from a FIREMAN...

They are some of the most notorious & crude pranksters on the PLANET.....

Part 5: Motel 6 II

So a few days go by. A group of 4 young people get a room together, 3 guys one girl...who was HOT! Smoking hot!

I'm on my rounds and they are out side smoking and drinking. They call me over.

Young kids: Hey! Hey buddy! Come over here!

KS: What's up?

YKs: Hey man, you;re the guard here right?

KS: That's me. What's up?

YKs: Well, we're going to be here a while and we were wondering, what would you do if we jumped in the pool after it's closed?

KS: I'd ask you to get out of the pool and go back to your room.

One of them points to the girl and says: Well, if we did it she'd be naked. What would you do then?

KS: Tell you to take your time getting out.

Well we say good night and I go back to my rounds. Nothing out of the ordinary...kicked some bums off the property, called the cops on a drug dealer...same ol' same ol'.

Well I'm on the east side of the property and I hear a splash in the pool. I grin to myself and go check it out, knowing exactly what I was going to see.

I open the gate to the pool and there all four of them are in the pool in various states of dress.

Yes the hot chick was naked.

KS: Alright you guys, outta the pool.

YKs: Damn that was fast! Do we have to?

KS: Yeah, c'mon. You've had your fun.

Well they all get out, but the guys keep pushing the chick back in the pool. They get dressed and go back to their room.

I went home a happy man.

I like story time.

ETA: MSPaint or it didn't happen

Why on earth would I tag this?

Quoted: Why on earth would I tag this?

i dont hve the slightest idea

Does MSpaint need to be coc compliant?

Nothing like mspaint drawn nipples at 0218 in the morning.

That is some funny stuff!

I worked as a bouncer at a famous bar on Austins 6th street (payed my way for higher education by throwing out drunks and clocking "tough guys"...  

The good news (fringe benefit) was there was always lots of honeys at closing time and I was roomie with one of the Bartenders so lots of great afterhours party with the pretty ladies!

Ahhhhh..... those were the days!!!

BIGGER_HAMMER

    Love them stories Killswitch.  You were in stark contrast from the security guard that I knew when I use to work as maintenance tech for a small hotel.  

    I've caught that security guard "peeping tom", sleeping in the grass area behind a bush, and came out of a occupied room breathing heavily, sweat pouring down his face, and shirt undone.  He was funny as heck though not his looks but other things he has done while on duty.  Too bad the hotel manager caught him in the act of let's just say being gratified by one of the hotel's waitress in a storage room.

Quoted: DON'T EVER SNEAK UP ON MATT.

thats words to live by right there. for the same reasons too.

-Matt

ETA: i worked security myself for about a year. good stuff, but i got fat.

Part 6: Motel 6 Part III: The zombie homeless guy, and the Young Kids say goodbye.

Well about a week after the pool incident I come to work. It all started out normally, but on my rounds I see something in the ivy on th north side of the lot.

I move closer to it and see it is a homeless guy laying in the ivy. O.....kaaaaayyyy....

I walk up to him.

KS: Hey! Hey, wake up. You can't sleep here.

Zombie Homeless Guy:.....

KS: HEY! WAKE UP!

ZHG:.......

So I get close and kick his foot...

KS: HEY! WAKE THE FUCK UP!

ZHG:.......

Now this dude is not moving. I cannot hear him breathing or see him breathing. I have been there trying to wake him up for a couple minutes and there are guests outside staring at us because I am yelling so loudly.

I get pissed and grab his arm...he is cold to the touch and still not moving.

I'm thinking: Shit, this guy is dead! He is totally dead!

So I grab my radio...

KS: Lane, there is a dead homeless guy over here!

Lane: DUDE! NO WAY!

KS: Would I fucking make something like that up?!?!

Lane: You sure the dude is dead? Did you check his pulse?

I feel stupid for not checking his pulse. After all I was still EMT-B certified at the time.

I bend over to check his neck for a pulse. That's when Zombie Homeless Gey comes back to the land of the living!

ZHG: What the fuck are you doing to my neck?

KS: HOLY FUCK!

Lane: What? What's going on?

KS: He just fucking jumped up!

ZHG: Who are you? Are you going to kill me?

KS: No....are you going to kill me?

ZHGGet the fuck away from me! Grumble mumble murmur murmur....grgjnbfjkwgrhvnjhfsjf...

KS: Dude...just get the fuck out of here! You can't sleep here, this is private property!

ZHG: Fuck you! I'll sleep where ever I fucking want to! Grumble grumble ksfhj;lksfjniuetjkgn;lkgeang...

KS: DUDE, JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY!!!!

Ge gets up, gives me the finger and walks away into the night.

I'm quite sure as he shuffled away I heard him moan "braaaaaiiiiiinnnns!"


So I collect myself from Zombie Homeless Guy. I continue my rounds. The Young Kids call me over to their room.

YKs: Hey! It's our favorite night watchman!

KS: Hey guys. How's your night going?

YKs: Good. We're taking of tomorrow morning. Before we left we wanted to play you a song.

So I come in to their room. Hot chick is sitting cross-legged on the bed wearing a white tank top and boxer shorts...whit nothing else underneath. The way she is sitting and the angle from me to her, I could see through one of the legs....lets just say, she liked to keep her garden trimmed.

so they play me a nice song...I think it was a Smashing Pumpkins song, and we say goodbye.

I really miss those guys sometimes.

Quoted: So besides your mag-lite, did you at least get a pointy stick?

I didn't even have a mag-lite. I had a little Surefire.

I'll have some more stories for you tomorrow. I'm too tired to type out anymore tonight. Feel free to comment on the ones I've already typed.

at Zombie Homeless guys story!

Quoted: at Zombie Homeless guys story!

Yeah, that's one of my favorites too.

Quoted: Quoted: at Zombie Homeless guys story! Yeah, that's one of my favorites too.

Brains? Some one say Brains?  

Good stories, kind of reminds me of the Bruiser Saga.

Good stories, KS. I like the homless guy, and the YK stories. What were they doing? Just travling around, and stopped for a while to see the sights? Always wonder about
groups like that. Nomadic kids, that are not constricted to day to day requirements.
Kinda nice in a way, but you never see both sides of the story.

tag for more stories

I worked graveyard security too, although I don't have as many wild stories as KS.

Funny stuff. Tag for more!

The homeless guy was probally recentlty bitten and the virus had not fully mutated into its host.....best to try and kick thme in the head first to stun and daze them.  NEVER,NEVER,NEVER try and touch or grab the undead or soon to be undead......or you may be undead soon

Tag for more stories.

KS, your to good a guy  to be a rent-a-thug.   Stick to manwhoring i think you'll enjoy it more.

KS, I'm not trying to derail your awesome thread.  Guys, if you want to see equally cool stories - check out the Street Sweeper's tale on somethingawful.

The Street Sweeper's Tale (not a rickroll!)

Quoted: Good stories, kind of reminds me of the Bruiser Saga.

That's what I thought.

KS, I look forward to more stories.

Tag

I look forward to more stories.

patiently awaiting more.............

I have a feeling Ed is going to tell me to quit using pictures for a while since this is my forth today.

ost

Excellent use of smileys.

Great stories keep them coming.