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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:20:23 AM EDT
[#1]
I always heard it as "The quickest way to a man's heart is with a broadsword."
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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:22:07 AM EDT
[#2]
"What time is it?"
"Time to buy a watch." |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:24:24 AM EDT
[#3]
I don't think you should (fill-in-the-blank here).
It's a good think I don't give a f*@k what you think then, isn't it? |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:25:30 AM EDT
[#4]
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:29:42 AM EDT
[#5]
In response to people telling you how to do your job:
PG version: Do I come over to your place of business and knock the burgers off your grill? NC-17 version: Do I come over to your place of business and knock the dicks out of your mouth? |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:34:17 AM EDT
[#6]
There is no "I" in team.
But there is an "M" and an "E". 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 6:54:51 AM EDT
[#7]
So one of the VP's down the hall walks into my office and asks me what my favorite musical movie is, it went like this:
Her: "Hi navvet89, So what's your favorite musical" Me(without looking up): "Apocalypse Now, Flight of the Valkyrie" She just laughed and kept on walking. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:05:56 AM EDT
[#8]
U.S. Gov't- Fix it till it's broke!!
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:05:59 AM EDT
[#9]
Hey Maxwell71 what are you doing this weekend?
Minding my own f&ck!n@ business Well maxwell71 I think that you should do this.... Thats funny..... I dont remember asking you |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:06:36 AM EDT
[#10]
...and there ain't no "we" either. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:07:29 AM EDT
[#11]
Noted. 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:08:18 AM EDT
[#12]
But, there's an I in "WIN!"
And the early worm gets eaten. Where's the motivation? |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:08:38 AM EDT
[#13]
My father-in-law is reigning champion of witty retorts.
Some drunk came staggering down the alley a few weeks ago and says, "What the hell kind of dog is that supposed to be?" in reference to my father-in-law's half basset hound/half cocker spaniel mix. His instant reply was "One that knows how to mind it's own damn business, that's what kind". |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:09:34 AM EDT
[#14]
I always say "There is no "i" in "Team" but there is "MEAT"... ... If at first you do not succeed, keep sucking, until you do (works better when you say it) |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:15:31 AM EDT
[#15]
Somebody talking: "Not to mention-"
Me: How come everybody says "not to mention" right before they mention it? |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:17:53 AM EDT
[#16]
Me: I'm sure this won't take more than a minute.
Random person: That's what she said! Me: You're an idiot. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:19:08 AM EDT
[#17]
I wouldn't call it witty, but you do get to the point quickly. 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:19:35 AM EDT
[#18]
Thats what she really said |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:23:36 AM EDT
[#19]
Typically!
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:23:57 AM EDT
[#20]
Stupid person: "There is always a light at the end of the tunnel"
Me: "otherwise known as an oncoming train" |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:25:16 AM EDT
[#21]
stupid person "Try seeing it from their point of view"
me-"I've tried nut I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass" |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:36:30 AM EDT
[#22]
Bum: Spare any change?
You: Change comes from within. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 7:39:19 AM EDT
[#23]
Them: "Have a good one."
Me: "I do ma'am, I do." Them: "What's up?" Me: "Your dick in a gay bar." |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:23:11 AM EDT
[#24]
Ha! Simple. Harsh. Great! |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:24:54 AM EDT
[#25]
Your MAMMA----->p2
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:29:37 AM EDT
[#26]
Or maybe: You: Do I look like a fucking bank, asswipe? |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:29:40 AM EDT
[#27]
Some lady outside of church, "Man is causing global warming."
2IDdoc, "Oh horsecock!" Horsecock. Guaranteed to stop any conversation cold in two seconds or less. Offer not valid when speaking to rednecks.
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:31:28 AM EDT
[#28]
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:36:39 AM EDT
[#29]
When I used to smoke cigarettes:
Them: Hey, you have an extra smoke? Me: No dumbass, only 20 come in a pack |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 8:42:42 AM EDT
[#30]
dude at work: "Hey man, I noticed you left early yesterday. Where did you go"
dude who left early: "Why, did your wife have that fresh fucked look when you got home?" Me:   I did have to physically get between them following that exchange. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:01:25 AM EDT
[#31]
I'm gonna use that next time some HR fuckhead starts spouting platitudes. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:03:51 AM EDT
[#32]
Them: "I think that <insert dumbass subject>."
Me: "That's what happens when you think without practicing first." |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:22:29 AM EDT
[#33]
I used to have this stupid boss who would use all of the stupid business cliches he could think of. One time in a meeting (and we had MANY) he said, blah, blah, blah, and our shop is like a ship. And I am like the captain of that ship. That will be our new metaphor."
Without thinking i simply said, "well, technically that's a simile." He was not amused. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:27:39 AM EDT
[#34]
You know, I never once doubted for a second that arfcom was home to the only selfish smoker on the face of the earth. Makes me proud to be a part of this place. 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:31:18 AM EDT
[#35]
Whomever: "Kiss my ass."
Me: "Looks too much like your face." SG |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:40:07 AM EDT
[#36]
THEM: See ya later!
ME: Thanx for the warning! |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:43:12 AM EDT
[#37]
Whenever you I get caught off guard with someones sly remark, or being the butt of a joke, or someone corrects a mistake I just said/made etc, it's easy to put it off by saying:
"Very well played my friend" or "touche" |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:45:18 AM EDT
[#38]
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:48:27 AM EDT
[#39]
Probably the most popular firefighter expression ever coined:
Hey, where is _________________ ? If it was up your ass you would know. I have said and heard that a million times. Probably every shift I ever worked. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:51:43 AM EDT
[#40]
"I have a stupid question......."
"There are no stupid questions, only inquisitive idiots" |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:57:35 AM EDT
[#41]
Them: But I want __________________________! Me: It's nice to want things |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:57:39 AM EDT
[#42]
Just saw the first half on TV.
"Oil is the problem. Somebody needs to fix the problem." "You - engineer a solution, asshole!" |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 9:58:24 AM EDT
[#43]
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:05:18 AM EDT
[#44]
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:07:43 AM EDT
[#45]
Variation: "No, but I've got a spare asskicking you can have." |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:14:49 AM EDT
[#46]
"Man who goes thru turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
guess that doesnt really fit here...oh well. 
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:15:53 AM EDT
[#47]
Wow
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:18:22 AM EDT
[#48]
Them: See you later.
Me: Not if I see you first. |
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:20:07 AM EDT
[#49]
Niiiiiiiice...
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Posted: 8/10/2007 10:25:31 AM EDT
[#50]
damn. 
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