I'm reposting this for the benefit of my ego others.

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Here's a guide to the stereotypical people you'll meet at the gunshow, for those of you who've never been.

Steve: Steve specializes in t-shirts that say things like "from my cold, dead hands", "bomb squad: if you see me running you'd better catch up", and "I shot terrorists in Iraq and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". He also has a massive amount of over-priced beef jerky for sale at his table. Steve is usually too distracted taking people's money to be rude, polite, or even notice you unless you're handing money to him while walking off with a t-shirt or package of jerky.

Clyde: Clyde has used guns with more rust than finish and if you look closely you might be able to see rifling in the barrel. These guns are priced $200 over what the guns cost when they were brand new and in decent condition. Clyde will be personally and deeply insulted if you offer anything less than what the price tag says, even though he hasn't made a single sale at the last three shows because his merchandise is worthless crap.

Billy: Billy is thirteen years old and at his first gun show with his dad. He's the one with the baseball cap and the bugged out eyes constantly exclaiming "WHOA, COOL! WOW! AWESOME!" Billy will one day have a firearms collection the size of a national guard armory to go along with his position as chairman of the NRA.

Bubba: Bubba is a tactical mall-ninja commando in mismatched camoflage from three different countries and patches, rank insignia, and reproduction medals from every branch of the military and a few that don't exist. He will try to corner you and tell you a story about the time he was flying F-22's in 'nam for the USMC SEAL team and then served as a space shuttle door gunner for a top secret mission to Afghanistan. If asked for proof of his exploits, all of his records are either classified or burned down with the building shortly after he retired at the age 29. Alternatively, he'll ask what gun you're buying and proceed to go into a long story about why that gun is a piece of crap and how his .223 caliber rifle that he may have bought from Clyde can blow a deer in half from a mile away with his special-made custom bullets that he makes in his basement. Bubba does not take the hint when you ignore him and will only leave when he finds someone else to latch onto and talk their ears off.

Rick: Rick is an awesome dealer whose table has three of everything you could ever want and they're all at a fair price. Unfortunately, you won't find Rick until after you've bought the same thing for twice what he's asking at another table.

Thelma: Thelma is a little old woman who may have been alive when Lincoln was president. She will be carrying an older firearm that belonged to her recently departed husband that she wants to sell because she has no use for it and no idea of its actual value. This firearm will likely be worth enough to buy a decent car with and she will try selling it to the nearest dealer to the door, usually Clyde. Clyde will offer $50 while barely concealing his cackling delight at finding such a sucker, while a dozen show attendees will run at Thelma screaming "NONONONONONONO!" and trying to stop her before she completes the transaction. Most of them will be honest and either inform her as to the actual value of the gun or direct her to a dealer that will give her more money for it.

Mike: Mike is an elderly man wearing a vest with VFW pins all over it. His table specializes in collectible coins and reproduction Nazi memoribilia for WWII collectors. He's an honest dealer but he's also stone deaf and has no idea what you're trying to buy.

Dave: Dave doesn't actually sell guns and hates Mike with a passion. He sells army surplus camo, police holsters, pepper spray, combat boots, kevlar flak jackets from the 70's, and American WWII memoribilia. He hates Mike because Mike actually sells off his merchandise while Dave's only gets man-handled by potential customers and then dropped back on the table.

Louis: Louis specializes in American-made handguns. Despite the high price tag, you can always get a good deal from Louis because everything is negotiable and he's a good guy. Unfortunately, Louis is in the convention center restroom with explosive diarhea, creating a stench that is almost but not quite enough to make attendees buy surplus gas masks from Dave before entering. Louis' wife Susie is running the table in his absence. Susie has absolutely zero interest in guns, the convention, or the customers. Susie will not negotiate prices and could care less whether or not you buy anything from the table.

Lorretta: Lorretta makes more money than any other vendor at the show. This defies rational logic since her table is covered almost exclusively with Beanie Babies, home crafts, and copies of Better Homes and Gardens from the mid-1980's. At a gun show. On the plus side, she does sell excellent peanut brittle and pecan chewies.

George: George sells older shotguns and bolt-action rifles. He displays open contempt for anyone who buys a so-called "assault weapon" or a handgun that was made after the 1940's and will glare at you if you so much as dare mention that just possibly the Second Amendment wasn't intended exclusively for deer and duck hunters. More than likely he will loudly declare that "the only reason to own one of those things is to kill people!" Then he'll cuss at you and tell you to get away from his booth if you ask if that's why the police own so many.

Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious.

Hank: Hank sells knives, swords, spears, crossbows, chainmail, and other archaic items. He makes nearly as much money as Lorretta, despite the fact that most of his merchandise is over-price stainless steel crap you can find at pawn shops and flea markets for a third the price.

Tom: Tom is wandering the convention grounds desperately looking for a very specific firearm. Unfortunately for Tom, he passes about ten vendors selling the exact item he's looking for without noticing and finally finds one for sale at Clyde's table. He goes home and ends up hating his purchase and sells it for less than half of what he paid for it. Six months later, he finds the gun he's looking for that doesn't look and perform as if it were run over by an armored column and goes home with tears of joy.

Ryan: Ryan has to sneak his new, hideously expensive super awesome gun into the house because if his wife finds out he bought yet another gun instead of making a car payment she'll kill him. Thus, he manages to look simultaneously ecstatic about his purchase and sickeningly nervous as he walks out into the parking lot.

Omar: Omar is an enthuisiastic target shooter who is thinking of getting his first "assault" rifle as a fun purchase. Unfortunately, he immigrated from Iran ten years ago and half the show attendees keep looking at him funny and wondering how quickly they could get the zip-ties off of their guns and have them in working order if they had to. The glares intensify as he makes his purchase and nervously heads out the door with it.

Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head.

Michelle: Michelle is obsessed with "assault" weapons and eager to add to her growing collection. Each vendor she meets tells her that whichever gun she tries buying isn't what she wants and then patronizes "the little lady" by selecting a tamer, more politically-correct firearm and telling her that that's exactly what she needs. Many then proceed to hit on her, despite the fact that she brought her boyfriend along to carry heavy things.

John: John learned everything he knows about guns from television and despite believing everything Feinstein, Boxer, and the DNC say about firearms and the people that own them has decided to get one of his own. After staring in bewilderment at an incredible array of firearms that he never imagined in his wildest dreams, he finally finds one that looks both cool and still politically-correct and pays more than it's worth. He ends up being thrown out of the show for muzzle-sweeping half the attendees and trying to load it on the spot.

Jerome: Jerome is a media hitman out to sensationalize guns, violence, and rednecks. Vendors look at him suspiciously while he takes pictures and asks oddly-phrased questions while his buddy with the tape recorder stands nearby pretending to look at guns. Jerome will later go home and either misquote everyone or quote them out of context while declaring that guns should be banned. He will later receive a literary award for writing such an excellent, balanced, and fair article.

Oswald: Oswald is a typical FBI/ATF agent. Cleverly, he approaches vendors and openly invites them to engage in illegal activity. Because they're too stupid to recognize entrapment when they see it and they're all criminals anyway. Oswald will avoid keeping an eye on Omar, Jose, or the black guy with the gold teeth and tattoos who just got a Tec-9 and smells suspiciously of marijuana. That would be racial profiling. Oswald will later ramdomly follow one of the vendors or attendees home and have them arrested for suspected gun trafficing, confiscate their firearms and any other personal possessions of value, and harrass them for the next two years in order to meet quota.

Jake: Jake is an asshole vendor who goes out of his way to piss off potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader on your ass.

Tommy: Tommy is your stereotypical black gangbanger. He calls every handgun either a Glock or a gat, refers to magazines as clips, and makes loud hooting sounds to get the vendor's attention and ask "how much fo' da the glock-fotey?" He eventually walks out with a Tec-9 and proceeds to frighten nearly everyone in the parking lot when he and his fifteen homies climb into a rusted-out Caddy with spinners and peel out.

William: Willaim is not your stereotypical black gangbanger. He's black, but well-dressed and makes a higher income than most of the people attending the show. He has never fired a gun in his life and does not own any ammunition. His only reason for being at the show is to complete his collection of Browning Hi-Powers that he keeps in glass display cases at home. William receives more dirty looks and suspicious glances than Tommy.

Gunny: Gunny is older than dirt but well-preserved. He walks with a slight limp, cusses at the drop of a hat, and speaks more loudly than necessary. Gunny is intent on finding a USGI M1 Garand and an M-14 clone and will gladly let you know that the M-16 is a jam-o-matic popgun and that the U.S. should never have used it to replace the M-14 as the main battle rifle.

Charles: Charles is English. This is his first time at a gun show that he decided to visit just to see what they're like. Despite his fears, prejudices, and pre-conceived notions, Charles actually finds himself enjoying the convention and becoming fascinated with the broad variety of weaponry on display. Then Bubba spots him.

Erney: Erney is a uniformed police officer supposedly providing security for the convention. In practice, however, he spends most of his time fondling other people's guns at the door or hitting on Michelle while her boyfriend is standing right there. Erney is oblivious to anything Jose or Tommy say or do.

Carl: Carl is an elderly man who couldn't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Despite this, he is asking each vendor about a massively heavy, large-caliber firearm and seems disappointed that no one at the convention is selling such hand-held artillery. Burt has five of them on display, but Carl is too nervous to approach his booth. He pauses in the middle of conversations and seems confused for a moment before starting over again with the same questions. Eventually he wanders home and falls asleep watching reruns of Matlock.

Joe: Joe is not a licensed dealer, but somehow he always end up with a bunch of guns in his arms that he walks around the aisles with trying to convince attendees to buy for more than they're worth. The vendors don't like Joe but say nothing as more often than not he ends up getting cornered by Bubba for most of the convention and is therefore kept out of their hair.

Willie: Willie is the stereotypical redneck who fondles each and every gun at the table before picking one, inevitably some sort of man-portable cannon. Willie, while sighting down the barrel at the ceiling, will make an offhand comment about how he really shouldn't buy the gun because he might get pissed and shoot his neighbor. This will result in the dealer quietly setting the gun back on the table and telling him to have a nice day. Willie, oblivious, moves on to the next table and does it all over again.

Smitty: Smitty specializes in BB guns, paintball guns, and airsoft that try to look like the real thing. Smitty has BB-firing MAC-10's labeled as "UZI FULL-AUTO BB GUN USES REAL UZI PARTS!!!! SPECIAL PRICE $399 TODAY ONLY" and camo fatigues that might conceivably be able to blend in with something if you were trying to hide in a crate of bananas. Smitty's battery-operated full-auto airsoft AK-47 costs more than the real thing.

Ray: Ray is like Bubba, except ten years younger, slightly less overweight, and hangs out at Smitty's table for nearly the whole convention. Like Bubba, he makes up bullshit as he goes, but his fantasies consist almost entirely of the time he single-handedly slew the evil Iron Commandos from Chicago single-handedly while the rest of his squad cowered in fear behind him. Later, both the female members of the squad joined him for a threesome to properly thank him for saving them all from being hit with yellow plastic pellets.

Sarah: Sarah is everything a man could ever want in a woman and knows it. Using the power of her body, she entices each and every male passing the booth to stop for a look- and maybe take their eyes off her low-cut blouse long enough to hand her money for something, anything, that she happens to be selling. Sarah will rebuff every attempt to get her phone number while still remaining seductive. Erney will have to forcibly remove Ray from the booth twice.

Wallace: Wallace sells every magazine to every gun known to man. Unfortunately, Wallace seems to think the ban is still in place if the $40 AK 30-rnd magazines with the 30% finish and dents are any indication. Most of his NIB stock is from USA and the used magazines cost nearly as much the guns they go to at other tables.

Henry: Henry goes to every convention and recognizes each of the regular attendees. He will inevitably bump into one of these regulars in the middle of the aisle and stop to loudly catch up on the events that occurred within the last week, blocking all passage down the aisle. If asked to please step out of the way, Henry will sway a few inches to one side or the other while keeping his feet planted and without slowing down his animated conversation with whatever poor soul he was cornered this time.

Cletus: Cletus is the size of a Volkswagen and the same general shape. Despite the fact that he is wide enough to single-handedly block traffic on any aisle he occupies, he always seems to have a thirty-foot radius of clear space around here. Likely because he smells like cheese formed in the socks of a French trench soldier in WWI. Any vendors selling gas masks will coincidentally demonstrate them for Cletus and leave them on until he ponderously makes his way to the next table. Cletus never seems to buy anything but asks a lot of questions.

Rufus: Rufus is an escapee from an anime or sci-fi convention, usually in costume. He knows absolutely nothing about guns and is willing to share that complete lack of information with anyone patient enough to listen to his filibusters. He inevetibally ends up swapping bogus stories about guns with Ray and Bubba before spending fifteen minutes working up the courage to approach Sarah's booth and buy a cool-looking stainless steel dagger the size of a cat.

Sgtar15: Sarge is getting up there in years and quite possibly insane, but everyone at the convention loves him. He makes his way around the convention with a cardboard box labeled "Sgtar15 Productions" and full of vintage G.I. Joes he finds at various tables. A lovable character, he manages to creep out many of the gun show attendees nonetheless. The only gun related item he will buy is a brick of .22lr ammo "because of my back".

Greg: Greg knows little about guns but knows what he likes. What he likes is the biggest fricking caliber they can put in a gun without killing the person firing it. Greg absolutely loves his BFG revolver in .45-70 and his Barret M82A1 that he fires from the shoulder. Greg can sometimes be seen wearing a sling on his arm and trying to sell a carbine chambered for .577 Tyrranosaurus.

Jason: Jason is a class III fanatic. Grenade launchers, mortar, RPG's, machine guns, he's into it. Unfortunately for Jason, the only class III dealer at the convention is an asshole who won't let you even touch a single thing on his table, even non-firearms, unless you work for a police or government agency. Jason dislikes being glared by the class III dealer until he leaves and goes home to bitch about it on the internet.

Enrique: Enrique does not speak english. He speaks some form of spanish that remains incomprehensible even to those who took a course in college. Enrique becomes angry if you ask him to speak english or say you don't understand spanish and acts as if he doesn't know what a 4473 is if you hand him one. Enrique suddenly has to leave the convention when Steve walks past wearing an INS t-shirt.

Daric: Daric is a college student out to buy his first evil black rifle. Unfortunately, Daric is on a budget and has decided to build his own AR-15 from parts since that will be more affordable. Those Hesse lower receivers look nice and would go great with that Vulcan upper receiver he saw at the gun store last week.

Winston: Winston sells AR-15's but will glare at anyone who asks if he has lower or upper receivers in stock and loudly tell them that no, he does NOT sell receivers and never will because everyone who buys a lower or upper receiver is a criminal building an illegal gun and the AWB prevents dealers from selling them anyway. Argument with Winston is futile, as is informing him that the ban ended.

That never gets old.

Been to way to many fun shows

Help me think of more people to add to the list.

I'm already working on the mountain man muzzleloader guy with the over-priced blackpowder guns and a jerky vender.

Holy crap, I know Bubba!

"I don't care who you are, that's funny!"

Good stuff.  I think I've seen every type mentioned at a gun show.  

Quoted: Help me think of more people to add to the list. I'm already working on the mountain man muzzleloader guy with the over-priced blackpowder guns and a jerky vender.

Don't forget the guy that shows up in full cowboy action regalia, bowie knife, spurs....the whole 9

What about the preppy guy with the uber hot trophy wife/girlfriend that stares blankly around the entire building wishing she was anywhere else but there, patiently waiting for the preppy guy to get enough of a testosterone buzz to go home and show her a mediocre time, but he is on the fast track at the firm.
Oh, he never buys anything, except maybe from the guy selling kitchen knives that would be perfect next time he prepares a gourment meal for their friends.   That or a wooden bowl.

"how much fo' da the glock-fotey?"

The reply should be "Are you pro-fesh-un-uhl enough to carry it?"

ROFL!!


GR

This gunny is not your typical gunny.

Well you don't have "Hans" on there.  Hans frequents the Eastman's shows in the southeast.  He is a German immigrant and never bathes.  Every weapon that an individual is selling excites him.  He paws them all over...then says in gruff broken English, "HmH, GOT ONE!"

BigDozer66

Tag.   Too damn funny.  

I am a "Ryan" checking in...



Hi Mom...

Good , Good Shit

Quoted: Quoted: Help me think of more people to add to the list. I'm already working on the mountain man muzzleloader guy with the over-priced blackpowder guns and a jerky vender. Don't forget the guy that shows up in full cowboy action regalia, bowie knife, spurs....the whole 9

I've seen guys in ten gallon hats even in MA at gun shows- on both sides of the counter.

Quoted:

+1

Mountain Man Luke- Luke wears buckskin clothing or flannel, with a big beard and coonskin cap on his head. Often has a big ass bowie knife on his belt. He smells strongly of sweat, leather, and gun smoke. Luke is a black powder purist/elitist and won't touch any firearm whose design isn't at least two hundred years old. Matchlock, wheel lock, flintlock, he loves. Percussion/cap and ball guns are tolerable but Luke won't use one personally. Luke dearly loves fine craftsmanship and good, hard work put into making an excellent firearm, and his merchandise reflects this. Unfortunately, for the cost of one of his fancy smoke poles you could probably help Burt retire early or purchase Norway in installments.

Cowboy Curtis- Curtis loves cowboy action shooters. Lever-action rifles, Shiloh-Sharps buffalo guns, reproduction Colt Navy revolvers, Colt SAA revolvers, and all sorts of neat holsters, boots, saddles, and other gear can be found at his table. The prices are sometimes exhorbitant and Curtis can sometimes be a bit huffy with his customers, but he nearly always has what you're looking for. From the glares between Curtis and Luke, you suspect that on weekends they reenact Civil War battles and bitterly duke it out just to prove a point.

Hans- Do not make Die Hard references in Hans' presence. Hans will wander the convention grounds and lovingly fondle firearms all day. Glock, Heckler and Koch, Mauser, Steyr, Walther; if it's German or Austrian, he adores it and will gladly tell everyone in ear shot about how those are the finest guns in the world and they put all others, especially American firearms, to shame. He will avoid the tables selling nazi memorabilia like the plague and takes personal offense if anyone points out that a large number of German guns are over-engineered and over-priced finicky crap.

Peter: Peter has no idea what kind of gun he has, what ammunition it takes, or how to use it. It sits unloaded on the top shelf of his bedroom closet, collecting dust. He has finally decided to buy a box of ammo for it after seeing how horrible things got during the New Orleans disaster. He will vaguely describe the weapon to any dealer selling ammo in hopes that the dealer will telepathically be able to understand exactly what firearm Peter has and what ammo it uses. If it is a pistol or rifle, he will come home with the wrong caliber ammunition and never realize the difference as he has never attempted to load or use the gun in the first place. If it is a shotgun, he will come home with a box of birdshot that he will promptly lose somewhere in the closet, attic, or basement for the next twenty years.

Felix: Felix is the smoothest high-speed low-drag operator you ever saw. He looks like an advertisement in SWAT magazine or an HK poster. Unlike most of his ilk, Felix actually trains and practices with his firearms to gain a respectable level of competence and skill. The only firearms he has any interest in purchasing are evil "assault" weapons and pistols with high-capacity magazines. If it has an accessory rail, he loves it; the more accessory rails, the better. Despite his taste in expensive firearms, Felix has spent more money on accessories, holster rigs, slings, tactical vests, combat boots, kneepads, gloves, goggles, etc. than he has on firearms. In fact,  just the accessories attached to his M4gery cost more than the gun. Felix is the only non-LEO who won't have glares of hatred directed at him by the LEO-only class III dealer at the convention, possibly because of mistaken identity.

tag for later!

You forgot,

Willie:  Willie has been crippled by some unknown reason and is only able to move about the convention by means of a motorized scooter.  Like Cletus, he takes up 30ft radius of space.  Not because of his stench, but more of the size of the scooter.  Don't get caught behind Willie at the show, because he is in no hurry to get through it.  If you could ride around the convention, you wouldn't be in a hurry either.

The guy I always used to see at the shows in Texas

"Grumpy you don't know shit" guy.  He has a bunch of weapons that are reasonably priced and in very good condition.  But, everytime you ask him to tell you about a certain gun he goes into a rant about how you are an idiot for not knowing every thing about every gun on the table.  

He sells stuff once in awhile but only after making a dozen grown men feel like complete morons that will never walk by his table again.

Quoted: Help me think of more people to add to the list. I'm already working on the mountain man muzzleloader guy with the over-priced blackpowder guns and a jerky vender.

SteyrAUG - He's a FFL/SOT who only sells 4 or 5 brands of firearms because everything else is shit. He fills the empty space on his table with classic 80s porn.

SteyrAUG - What 5 brands and what pornos?

I am actually one of those guys with the correct name. Wierd.

You really need to repost this thread every 6 months or so.

It is classic Truth.

When I saw this list before someone posted about the Taser Lady.

Ask her to test it on someone, etc ...

Quoted: The guy I always used to see at the shows in Texas "Grumpy you don't know shit" guy.  He has a bunch of weapons that are reasonably priced and in very good condition.  But, everytime you ask him to tell you about a certain gun he goes into a rant about how you are an idiot for not knowing every thing about every gun on the table.   He sells stuff once in awhile but only after making a dozen grown men feel like complete morons that will never walk by his table again.

I always meet that guy.

Funny post Swindle1984.

What about the guy who has an insanely large stock at the show, but won't give you a fair trade to save your life?  His prices are a bit high, but he thinks that his huge selection makes up for it because he figures you won't find it anywhere at the show, and that being able to look at every single make and model of handgun and long arm avaliable makes up for dicking his customers somewhat.  Won't deal on prices, not even $5.  He shows his wealth by bringing two of his gun shop minions, and then orders them around from atop a segway scooter moving up and down his arena lengh, double sided stand, all the while scaring the crap out of his minions.

tag for when I have more time.

DUPE


GM

Tag of more

Very funny

You may consider adding a character that just walks around until he finds someone looking at a rifl;e at a table, starts talking about how he has fired a better one, or bought one 15 years ago for 1/5 the price. I have this happen all the time to me. Even when you ignore these people they keep bragging about nothing.

does someone have the link to the DARTH VADER story? I would like to read that again.


thanks

what about the guys walking around the show with signs taped to there backs.

I have met EVERY ONE of them with the possible exception of Charles

Great post, Swindle

how about the 2 guys that show up for every show with 150 tackle boxes full of mystery parts.  nobody actually ever buys anything from them or even slows down to look at the springs, screws, and bent pieces of metal resembling firearm parts that they have been hauling to every gun show for the last 20 years.  their tenure is displayed by somehow getting the prime spot in front of the men's restroom.

Dont mean to hijack, but seeing we're on the "gunshow" topic.

This was originally posted on the Bowers Board some time ago by a member there, kept a copy - but all credit goes to them:

**********************************************************************************
It is a most enlightening look at the average gunshow crowd. But I for one think they left out a
couple.

The Know it ALL dealer :
The know it all dealer can tell you the entire history of every gun in the place. He can be a great help to a newbie but the fact is he doesn't know shit. In his perfect memory (fantasy) the guns on his table are truly unique and one of a kind. Never mind the fucking serial numbers being in the 4 million range. When doing you the large favor of just acknowledging your presence, he can and will make you the deal of a lifetime. Preband (sic) weapons of fierce lineage. The AR15 on his table ? Yep, sure enough it's the one issued to Carlos Hathcock. The Norinco .45 ? You gessed it, Audie Murphy carried that one. The hicap AR mags ? Of course they are the "real deal" buster. These were carried in 'nam. None of the imitation USGI shit here man, the real thing. They have 10% of the original finish left and are worth $60 each, and you are damn lucky he is in a good mood.

The Wannabe :
This guy is usually in his late teens or early twenties. Hasn't been laid but once in his life and wants you to believe you are an inch away from a sure, swift, horrific death just because he walked within 5 feet of you on an aisle. Sporting the trendy "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out" new t-shirt and a pair of Danner copies. His pants are stuffed in his boot tops, he is DAMN sure he can handle any weapon at the show and is the first guy in line to by from Mr. Know it ALL dealer. He is specops material for sure. If he ever saves enough money to buy gas to go over to the enlistment office he will offer his services to this fine country of ours. As long as he can skip boot camp, not have to cut his hair and can lead some really cool Ranger outfit. Otherwise, it's too much trouble. He watches movies about war and sits and loudly elaborates on how he would have done things if he had been in charge of the movie outfit.

The Class III dealer :
This guy is one way cooool mother fucker. He has twenty five guns lined out on his table with the little signs "Please don't touch" every two or three inches. If you ask him ANY question he looks scornfully at you and let's you know you are a waste of good useable oxygen. He has the same guns at every show, and the same crappy accessories in his little glass case. The reason he hangs on to his stuff forever is he wants 13k for a registered receiver Uzi in about 70%. This along with the BANNED SAR48 Springfield for $9500 in 80%. The mags in the case ? Well they are there for serious customers only. Yep, Glock hicaps are $125 each and oh yes, the MP5 curved 30 rd mags at $100 each used is only for a "serious" buyer. Sadly he doesn't realize just how much business he pisses away when answering every question with an angry, hostile response. He doesn't at all understand money or the international exchange rate of same. This is evident because this idiot full auto bastard MUST have everything priced based on Canadian dollars. Why would he be 40% high on everything ?

The JUNK guy :
This fine fellow will bring 8 tables worth of rusted shit you never recognize. He has several boxes of stuff on his tables. Too lazy to unload, tag or price any of it, he is assuming that every son of a bitch at the show is going to stop in and immediately recognize something from the mess. Goes to EVERY show, the same shit and when you walk buy, he is sitting on his ass talking shit to a buddy and ignoring anyone or anything around his tables. If you happen to be so lucky as to get his attention and ask about a specific item in the hopes that the all elusive magic part you need may be hidden away in his shit, he simply says "yeah I have one, check back with me in about an hour, I will see if I can find it". You, being most patient and amenable agree and walk on. After an hour, you drop back by his table and ask if he found your wonderzap springs. "What was that ? Yeah I think I have one of those, check back with me in an hour or so"

The Mag Guy :
This fellow sells only mags. He may wear a white straw cowboy hat. His attitude is the worst of any seller in the show. He has hundreds of mags, all thrown out on a table. Many are rusted and worn beyound recognition. If you happen to ask about a specific mag, he snaps at you and informs you " yeah $140". Shit ! Who knew a CZ mag would be worth that much ? If you ask him to confirm the price, he gets furious and barks for you to move on since you can't afford shit anyway. Nevermind the black Steyr you are carrying and the 5k in cash you brought.

The Kinda Shady Guy :
This person has two tables. It is covered with things ranging from LEO mags to fucked up home job AR kit guns. His willingness to let you in on the "really good deals" on shit you can't get ANYWHERE else is a testament to his fine demeanor. "Yeah those are LEO mags, but hey do you REALLY think they're gonna chack you ? Shit, those BATF guys don't care about this kind of stuff, they are out looking for gun runners. They're too stupid to even know what's legal and what isn't anyway. If the LEO mags bother you, I have a shitload of ones I just refinished myself. You can't see the LEO markings on them at all " The AR kit guns all have selector switches that rotate 180 degrees and some have an M16 bolt. He isn't going to tell anyone about them so just buy it and keep quiet...ok ? You can have an AR with MACHINE GUN parts in it. How cool is that ? The AR's are right next to the pre-86 $179 drop in sears with the copied letter in the little bag, just so you can be "legal".

The Beanie Baby/Ammo guy :
He is selling ammo and beanie babies. Well actually his wife and kid are selling the beanie babies. Cavim .308 for $200 a case and Pooch the Snoot (or WTF ever) beanie baby for $25 bucks. Nevermind the fact that he bought the Cavim from the guy across the aisle who still has quite a bit left selling for $149 a case. He opens up boxes of IMI SS109 from Cole and puts a few on stripper clips and sells it to The Wannabe for $60 a clip. If you happen to be so bold as to inquire why in hell he would try to sell ammo right across the aisle from the same ammo priced $50 less a case, he just looks real confused at you and says I got two cases, you interested in a Beanie Baby today ?

The Knife Guy :
This guy is sharp. He is in the zone when it comes to gunshows. He buys every piece of merchandise he sells off the Shop At Home cable show. The daggers, the swords and oh HELL yes the tactical folders with a boot, belt or pocket clip. Where the hell else is Wannabe going to get the really cool survival knife for 18 bucks out the door ? Where WOULD the Mexicans buy the daggers and Bowie knock offs to keep in their back pockets ?

The Beef Jerky guy :
This fellow has lost sight of the fact that "THIS - IS - A - GUNSHOW". He puts his two coolers of shrink wrapped jerky on the table, a cooler of cold drinks and a little sign reading "free cold drink with every purchase". He spends the entire gunshow giving out samples to passers-by. He sells beef jerky to the Beanie Baby/Ammo guy because he is too cheap to buy his wife and kid a hotdog from the concession stand, the FREE cold drink cinched it. The trips, three purchases and viola ! free lunch and drinks. The Jerky guy thinks he is doing well because three customers have bought his beef jerky in the last 10 minutes. He has no idea the reason his table always seems so crowded is because he is setup right in front of the concession stand at all those people are in line to get nachos.

The Doofus Guy :
This fellow is in his late 50's or 60's and works gunshows part time with the missus. She sits behind the table all day, licking her little dogs ass and smoking like a fucking chimney. She is wearing sequens and makes damn sure everyone she speaks with KNOWS she drove here in a Lincoln. They are trying to sell things like Leapers scopes, lame videos, cheapo cleaning stuff and aftermarket sights. They don't know shit about what goes with or on what and their only response to any question is "what we have is on display" He is pussy whipped beyond belief and at randon times (when safe) he has an outburst just to confirm his manhood (as long as Mama says it is ok). No warranty, no refund, all sales final. If you buy anything from him and it breaks well, you should have known that before you bought it.

The Mexican gunshow attendee :
I'm not talking about Americans who have Mexican heritage, I'm talking about the taco bending mother fucker who can't speak a word of english and is wearing white shoes. He is dragging the wife who is wearing her rosary and a shawl along with 8 or 9 mutants screaming and running around getting in the way. Wannabe, has to hold back when he sees them. He is sure he could take them all. The Mexican is looking for an AK. It is Saturday, he went by the liquor store and cashed his paycheck on the way to the show, so he is rolling in fluid cash. Three maybe four hundred. He walks past one table and another until he comes to the one he has been "looking for". A VERY post Romak single stack. $400 and a handshake later he is over at the Mag Guy's table trying to buy 30 rd mags for it. His wife just looks confused and a little nervous, the kids are all lined up at the Beef Jerky guys table swiping samples like government cheese.

The Mag Guy gets pissed and starts yelling and the Mexican gets offended. He leaves the wife at the Mag Guys table holding the single stack Romak, to go over to see the Knife Guys to get a kinfe so he can settle this shit. He will be right back. The kinda shady guy who sold him the Romak is keeping his head down now in hopes that the Mexican doesn't realize he bought a single stack for $400. The Doofus stops the Mexican on the way to the Knife Guy's table and asks if he would like to buy a set of paper-clip night sights for his new AK. He does. By now the Beanie Baby/Ammo guy sees the Mexican and offers him some ammo. Realizing the Mexican doesn't speak english, he decides to quit trying to sell ammo and picks up a beanie baby and says loudly and slowly " PIINNNYYAAAATTAA por El Nino". He takes two. By now Wannabe is damn sure all hell is going to break loose. He hurries back to the Know it ALL dealers table and buys all the $60 AR mags, 'cause the shit is about to hit the fuckin' fan and he has got to have the real deal to come out of it alive. The Class III dealer is now sure one of the little Mexicans who are picking up his guns are going to steal one. He starts running around the table trying to chase the little bastards off and realizes one of them ran off with an MP5K and is running around the show yelling BANG ! BANG ! Every time he tries to catch the little turd he runs under a table to the next aisle. Finally the little bandito gets to the Kinda Shady Guys table. KSG realizes the opportunity at hand and shoves the kid under his table until Mr Class III asshole runs by in a panic. When the coast is all clear he pulls the little Mexican out from under the table and sends him on his way. He takes the MP5K from the kid and tells him he shouldn't be playing with real guns, the kid hears his mother scream and takes off because Mexican just stabbed the Mag Guy with the knife he bough from The Knife guy. Kinda Shady Guy turns around and digs in his bag, slaps a price tag on the MP5K and put's it out on his table for sale. The Junk guy realizes the Mag Guy is now dead and goes over and offers to buy all the mags left from the Mag Guys wife. Horribly shaken, she agrees and sell everything. The Junk Guy rakes all the mags off the table into a couple of boxes and takes and sets both boxes out on his table. This is usually where I come in. Everyone acting like they just won the lottery or pissed off at the world. Doofus, Beanie Baby, Beef Jerky and Knife guys have had a good day. They sold something. Know it ALL Dealer and Class III guys are now more sure than they were EVER before that their opinions of gunshow customers are accurate. Kinda Shady guy still isn't saying shit (know what I mean ?) and Wannabee is stranded on one of the rafters where he climbed up to get a better shot. He is hanging upside down from a rapelling rope and yelling for help as he tries to get to his survival knife. Not sure what he is going to do with it when he gets to it though. The Junk Guy made out like a bandit, but will never realize it because he will continue to ignore buyers and the Mag Guy...well let's just say I ain't going to lose any sleep over him being gone.

So as I walk from aisle to aisle, looking for anything I can use, I always feel like I just missed the
big happening. Why else would these ignorant fucks be the way they are ? Yep, I must have missed something big.

Spud

That was some funny shit. Especally like wannabe guy hanging from the rafters to get a better shot.

Quoted: Very funny You may consider adding a character that just walks around until he finds someone looking at a rifl;e at a table, starts talking about how he has fired a better one, or bought one 15 years ago for 1/5 the price. I have this happen all the time to me. Even when you ignore these people they keep bragging about nothing.

Did you miss Bubba somehow?

Quoted: what about the guys walking around the show with signs taped to there backs.

I already covered them.

This stuff would  be really funny if it were not so close to the mark!

Quoted: This stuff would  be really funny if it were not so close to the mark!

I think it's the fact that 90% of it is true that makes it so funny.

And would you believe I've only been to two gun shows in my entire life?

I catch on quick!

OMG!

I resemble some of them.  

But I'm not telling which ones.