Actual Writings on Hospital Charts

(my comments in parentheses)
>
>1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very >hot in bed last night. (I don't think you need to go to the hospital for that "problem" )
>
>2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her
left side for over a year.
>
>3. On the second day the knee was better, and on  the third day it>disappeared.
>
>4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.She also appears to be
>depressed. (this doc receives the DUH award)
>
>5. The patient has been depressed since she
began seeing me in 1993.
>
>6. Discharge status: Alive but without my
permission. (These docs all think they are gods  [:D] )
>
>7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but  >forgetful.
>
>8. The patient refused autopsy.
>
>9. The patient has no previous history of
suicides. (Really?? How could you tell??)
>
>10. Patient has left white blood cells at
another hospital.
>
>11. Patient's medical history has been
remarkably insignificant with only a
>40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
>
>12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and
anorexia for lunch.
>
>13. She is numb from her toes down. (Doc is apparently numb from the head down [:D] )
>
>14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and
sent home. (Volume, volume, volume people!!! lets get these patients out the door!!!!)
>
>15. The skin was moist and dry. (Probably can't pick which side of the road to drive on either.)
>
>16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches. (Best way to avoid malpractice suit - cover ALL your bases)
>
>17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>
>18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size
thyroid. (OUCH!!!!!! )
>
>19. She stated that she had been constipated for  most of  her life, until  >she
>got a divorce.
>
>20. I saw your patient today, who is still under  our car for physical >therapy.
>
>21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
>
>22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is  circus sized.
>
>23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover
function. (They have a test for that???? Where can I get THAT lab job???)
>
>24. The patient was to have a bowel resection.
However, he took a job as a >stockbroker instead. (So THAT is why Lordtrader went into the market. Heck, if a bowel resection were the other choice, I'd become a broker too.)
>
>25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. (Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets past THIS doctor)
>
>26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the
floor. (DO try THIS at home [:D] )
>
>27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.
Blank, who felt we should sit on >the abdomen, and I agree.
>
>28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. (Eeeeeewwwwwwww!!!!!!!)
>
>29. Patient has two teenage children but no
other abnormalities