[img]http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/compdiff/title.jpg[/img]

A customer enters a pet shop.



Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.



(The owner does not respond.)



C: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad.  I wish to complain about this parrot what I

  purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's

  wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking

  at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!  Remarkable bird, the Norwegian

  Blue, idn'it, ay?  Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it.  It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no!  'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

  (shouting at the cage)

  'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if

  you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!

  Testing! Testing!  Testing! Testing!  This is your nine o'clock alarm call!



(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter.  Throws it up

in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)



C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah!  You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!  Norwegian Blues

  stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.

  That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour

  ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'

  tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!?  What kind of talk is that?, look, why

  did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!  Remarkable bird, id'nit,

  squire?  Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,

  and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in

  the first place was that it had been NAILED there.



(pause)



O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,

  it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and

  VOOM!  Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!?  Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts

  through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no!  'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'!  'E's passed on!  This parrot is no more!  He has ceased

  to be!  'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!  'E's a stiff!  Bereft

  of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be

  pushing up the daisies!  'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory!  'E's off

  the twig!  'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run

  down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

  THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!



(pause)



O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O:  Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're

   right out of parrots.

C: I see.  I see, I get the picture.

O: I got a slug.



(pause)



C: Pray, does it talk?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?



O: Well!  I never wanted to do this in the first place.  I wanted to be...

  A LUMBERJACK!

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what exactly is the purpose of this?  [:D]

Lovely guv`nur,quite lovely........[;)]

[img]http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/compdiff/title.jpg[/img]

"Hullo Mom, hullo Dad. There's another dead Bishop on the landing..."

P3[pyro][NI]

It's a Python thing. You wouldn't understand.

P3[pyro][NI]

Wink wink Nudge nudge

LMAO Rich
Thanks for the comedy relief.

Wake up Polly Parrot.
[img]http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/compdiff/wakeywak.jpg[/img]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Zip it back up, dude! Sorry, man. I was just trying to be a smartass, you know, like the T-shirts from a few years ago that had "It's a _____ thing. You wouldn't understand" I was _NOT_ flaming ya!!!

P3[pyro][BD]

Look Watson........House droppings.........

DK [NI]

King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants,

"ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn.



Arthur: HELLO!



(waits)



Bedevere: HELLO!



(waits)



An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart.

It speaks in an outrageous French accent.



Soldier: 'Allo!  'Oo is it?

Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.

Whose castle is this?

S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard.

A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred

  quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us

  in our quest for the Holy Grail.

S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got

  one, you see?

A: What?

Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one!

A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?

S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.

  (to the other soldiers:)  I told 'em we've already *got* one!

  (they snicker)

A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?

S: Of course not!  You are English types.

A: Well, what are you then?

S: (Indignant) Ah'm French!  Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous

  accent, you silly king?!

Galahad: What are you doing in *England*?

S: Mind your own business!

A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your bottoms, son of a

  silly person!  Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"!  You and

  all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!



(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his

tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)



Galahad: What a strange person.

A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--

S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough

  wiper!  Ah fart in your general direction!  Your mother was a hamster, and

  your father smelt of elderberries!

Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

S: No!!  Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!



(pause)



A: Now this is your last chance!   I've been more than reasonable....

S: (to four other soldiers, standing behind him on the rampart)

  Fetchez la vache.

Other Soldier: qua?

S: Fetchez la vache!



(the other soldiers are seen leading a cow... mooing noises)



A: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--



(Boing!  The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart...

A: Jesus Christ!

(...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen.  Various crying-outs

from Arthur's party.)



A: (determined) Right!

  (drawing sword) CHARGE!

Rest of Arthur's Party: CHAAAARGE!



(As they run towards the French Castle, swords drawn, they are met by a huge

onslaught of live animals of all sizes, that come plummeting down from the

ramparts of the castle.  Amid screams, they all turn back before even reaching

the castle walls, save Launcelot, who reaches the stone wall in time to give

it one stroke with his sword before retreating.)



French Soldier: (throwing down a goose) Hey, this one is for your mother!

(and a duck) And this one's for your gran!



Arthur's party:  (hastily retreating) Run away!

     RUN AWAAAAY!

I say, is your wife? is your wife a bit of a sport? Know what I mean, know what I mean?

A wink is as good as a nod to a blind man.

Eric The(Pythonized)Hun[>]:)]

wink wink nod nod

Spam, spam, spam....

Consult the book of armaments....
and lobbeth thy holy hand grenade !!!
Tis but a flesh wound !!!!
What are ya gonna do, Bleed on me !!!
[NI][NI]

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Both Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could pack it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed

BROTHER MAYNARD:  Armaments, chapter two,      verses nine to twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER:  And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow
Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'  And the Lord did grin, and
the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies
and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
MAYNARD:  Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER:  And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
Holy Pin.  Then, shalt thou count to three.  No more.  No less.  Three
shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
shall be three.  Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once the
number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My
sight, shall snuff it.'
MAYNARD:  Amen.
KNIGHTS:  Amen.
ARTHUR:  Right!  One!...  Two!...  Five!
GALAHAD:  Three, sir!
ARTHUR:  Three!
   [angels sing]
   [boom]

"Oh Dennis, there's some lovely filth down 'ere!"

"The Upper Class Twit of the Year Contest."

[B]I DON'T LIKE SPAM!![/B] bloody vikings...

Q:  "'ow could you tell 'e was King?"

A:  "'e didn't have shit all over 'im."

__

Tim:  "What is the windspeed to lift ratio of a Sparrow?"

Arthur:  "An English or an African Sparrow?"

Tim:  "What?  I don't...AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!"

[img]http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/compdiff/chinese.jpg[/img]

Oooohhh.........OH WELL....PEOPLE EXPLODE EVERY DAY!...........

"This is Mr. Murphy of Dorchester. He cannot be seen. We do, however, know which shrub he's hiding behind..."

KA-BOOM!!!!!!!!!!

Peethree[pyro][NI]

"....therefore if she floats, she is?"
"a duck!"

"no..."

"what else floats?"

"a rock!"
"wood!"
"yes, very good, so therefore she is..."
"a witch!!"
"burn her!!"


"ah the machine that goes 'ping'.  you know we sold that to another company and then leased it back..."

"we've come for your liver"

"nasty stuff, i woke up and the leg was just gone.  bloody shame."

"now 'hoos up for marching up and down the square? "

steve