The Associated Press
5/17/01

Todd Bailey Gets New Business Partner to Boast Dwindling Sales

MESA ,AZ (AP)

Todd Bailey, owner of the unsuccessful Special Weapons LLC, and maker of
fine clones of Heckler & Koch firearms, is reaching out to tap new untouched
market groups. To aid in this venture, he as enlisted the assistance of a man
well know in the gun community as HANGFIRE.

Todd is planning to market a new line of 9mm carbines and .308 semi auto
rifles to the unlikely market group of women, age 21 to 45. The line will
consist of upgraded models of the current SW5 and SW3, with enhancements
aimed towards the "fairer sex." Todd plans to spruce up his line of SW5Ls
(Ladies model) and SW3Ls to include exciting new finishes, such as lavender, mauve,
teal, chartreuse and new camouflage patterns appropriately named "spring
delight" and "winter wonderland." The L models will also include such
accessories as pistol grip lipstick storage compartments, leather wrapped
forearm and stocks, silk tac-slings and monogrammed trigger groups.

Todd has this to say: "we needed some new customers after the recent bashing
I've been unjustly receiving over the gun boards.  
First we looked into the Gangsta line of SWs, called the SWGs (Gangsta model). We chrome plated a whole batch of SWs, and gold plated another batch. But we ran into a couple
major problems there. First, the gangbangers wouldn't give up their more
reliable Tec9s in favor of the SW5G. Second, we don't chamber the SWGs in
the more popular traditional Gangsta calibers, i.e., .25, .32, and .44mag."

Mr. Bailey even went so far as to give a test model of a SW5GPDW (Gangsta
Pimp-Daddy Weapon) to his long time friend, the notorious gangsta rapper,
Puff Daddy. Puff Daddy had this to say about the SWG line: "TB, why would
P-Diddy want a 9mm carbine, when my [Puff Daddy's] Glock is a FO-TEE cal.???
And 7.62NATO is fo suckas, all the homies use Aks."

Todd: "I tried to talk Puff Daddy into the .45 cal SWG, but he keep saying
'.45s are for honkies!' I finally asked him if there was any way he would
buy a SWG and he said 'well, maybe I'll get one for J-Lo (Jennifer Lopez)
for Christmas.' That is how the idea of the Ladies model was born.”

Puff Daddy and J-Lo were unavailable for comment.

cont..

"I thought I was going to take a beating on the chrome and gold plated SW5s,
but luckily a middle-eastern oil emirate came through at the last moment,
and bought the whole lot of them for his elite internal guards."

When asked why he chose HANGFIRE as his business partner in the Ladies model
venture, Todd Bailey had this to say: "Well, to put it frankly, the guy is
a p**sy hound!" Apparently Todd's latest business woes are a result of
customer service inability. "I needed some fresh blood, so I asked myself,
'who do I know that is really good with the ladies?' well, only one name
came to mind, my old buddy HANGFIRE."

According to Mr. Bailey, HANGFIRE knows just how to talk to females. "The
guy has this unnatural abililty to know just what a women wants to hear, and
then say it just how she wants to hear it! I mean, who else would think
that a women would like to hear 'THAT’S BULLS**T, YOU’RE A BLOODY ASSHOLE!'
screamed at her or ‘YOU'RE SO STUPID, YOU DON'T EVEN
REALIZE YOU ARE, THAT’S STUPID,’ I'll tell you who, HANGFIRE, and those lines work EVERY time, he makes the women melt."

HANGFIRE's talent for wooing the ladies has affected the two's friendship.
"It got so I didn't want to go to the bars with him anymore, you know, he
was picking up all the chicks, sometimes two or three in one night, and I
was going home alone EVERY single night. One time, he walks up to this
really fine lady, and screams "CAN YOU WHISTLE DIXIE WITH YOUR MOUTH
FULL?!?!', and I swear to god, the woman climaxed right there in front of
us!" Another time he yells across the bar "GOT YOUR TEATS CAUGHT IN A WRINGER NOW?!?!" and the girl just faints, right at the bar! Of
course he took her AND her roommate home with him that night. Lucky dog!"

When asked to pinpoint the source of HANGFIRE's uncanny proficiency with the
female persuasion, Mr. Bailey simply said: "I don't know, if I had to give
it a name, I'd have to call it 'Animal Magnetism.'"

We drove to HANGFIRE's residence to conduct an interview, however we were
greeted with gunfire, and our news chopper was shot at, as a lone gunman
inside the house yelled "GET YOUR EVIL BLACK HELICOPTERS OUT OF HERE YOU
SPAWN OF BABYLON!!!"

cont..

Instead we interviewed several of HANGFIRE's neighbors who wished to remain
anonymous. Neighbors characterized HANGFIRE as solitary, cantankerous,
unbalanced, disgruntled and creepy. One neighbor related a chilling story:
"frankly the guy scares the bejezzus out of me. One night, I caught him
defecating in my wife's rosebeds, and all the time he was muttering 'DAMN
FEDS HAVE MY CRAPPER WIRED FOR SOUND, TRYING TO MONITOR MY EATING
HABITS!!!'" Another neighbor won't let her children out of the house
anymore. Her story is similarly disturbing: "one time the children were playing
ball in the street, and HANGFIRE comes out of his compound and starts
throwing rocks and yelling: 'YOU DAMN CHIL'UNS ARE ALL GOING TO GROW UP TO
BE JACK-BOOTED THUGS, YOU CAN'T TAKE MY PRECIOUS GUNS AWAY, STAY OUT OF MY HEAD, ARRGGG!!!'"

Apparently the local law enforcement community is familiar with HANGFIRE's
bizarre behavior. One officer related a 911 emergency response to
HANGFIRE's residence. "We responded to Mr. HANGFIRE's call of an assault in
progress. We arrived on scene 10 minutes later, and there was no evidence
of any disturbance. Mr. HANGFIRE kept on ranting 'IT WAS MCUZI!  SAVE
THE CRACK-HO, MCUZI IS GOING TO BEAT THE CRACK-HO!!!!' We couldn't find any
record of a Mr. McUZI or a Ms. Crack-Ho anywhere in our records. We were going to take Mr.
HANGFIRE in for counseling, but quite honestly, the smell was too over
powering, so we let him go.

We also consulted with the head of the local branch of the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the agent had this to say: "yeah, we're
keeping an eye on Mr. HANGFIRE, he's just the type of guy we like to see,
now if you'll excuse me, I have some doors to kick in..."

When we were finally granted an interview with HANGFIRE about his new job
with Special Weapons, it went like this:
"I HAVE READ EVERY POST ON THE BOARD,
I KNOW THE POST HISTORY OF THE ELITIST PIGS
MEN LIKE TO RALLY AROUND P**SY,
THE BOLD-FACED YELLA-DOG LIARS
ARE JUST WOMEN STARVED FAWNING DILDOS.  
THE SELF RIGHTEOUS, HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE
BITCHES, THE LIBELIAR JERK-OFFS ARE TOTAL F***-UPS!!!

DO AS I SAY, NOT DO AS I DO!!!
I AM NOW A SENIOR MEMBER AND
YOU WILL BUY MY GUNS!!!  ALL WILL
FALL DOWN BENEATH ME BECAUSE
I AM YOUR CREATION, YOU HAVE MADE
ME. DO YOU NOT LOVE YOUR
CREATION???  I AM MADE IN YOUR IMAGE!
NOW YOU WILL WORSHIP ME.
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD KEEP MAKING
ME SCREAM.   NEVER DELETE THE TRUTH
UNTIL THE LIE IS DELETED.
I AM YOUR GOD, RESPECT MY
AUTHORITAAA!!!!  ARGGG, OUCH!!!"

As we left Mr. HANGFIRE, as quickly as our news van could carry us, HANGFIRE
could be heard screaming a final warning: "ARE YOU THREATENING ME??? IS
THAT A DEATH THREAT??? VENGENCE WILL BE MINE, UNLESS YOU MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT IS NOT A DEATH THREAT!!!"

We returned to Mesa, AZ for a few final words with Mr. Bailey. "Mr. Bailey,
after hearing some of the words of those who know HANGFIRE well, we have
some serious misgivings about you choosing him as your new business partner.
What are the real reasons behind this unorthodox choice???

Todd: " I’m having problems with public relations, so I figure, why not bring in someone with good people skills.  So HANGFIRE is my new PR guy.  

Okay, okay, you got me, to be completely honest with you, I went with HANGFIRE, because Imbro|io was unavailable..."

The SWL line is stated for release in late forth quarter of 2025, after the release of the much delayed SW21, SW12, and SW50.
Special Weapons is taking full cash deposits for the guns immediately.

ROTFL

What are you steyring at?

ROFLMAO!!

Now thats funny.

You get a 10 for comedy.


Hunter out...

ROTFLMAO!

You go girl!

This wouldn't be more of the flame fest that Kuniper locked up earlier would it?

You're killing me!  LOL![:D]

atta boy, gold star, pat on the back

OMG, that is so funny!!!

Looks like I'm not the only one that got on HF's bad side, too bad I can't take credit for the post, nice name, TACTGIRL.

BTW, HangFire, it's good to see you can laugh at yourself, maybe you aren't such a poop afterall...

Hey! It's P-Diddy y0. y0y0y0 I'm a wiggety wiggety whiteboyeeeeee.

my god... The site goes down for one day and the whole show is stolen by a bunch of jokers with foolish names...  Sign me up! [:D]  unfortunately, that post was not from a junior member.  no way.  Too much info in the workings of this soap opera we call GD.  Just one of us playing off Tac-Girls' somewhat tarnished albeit kinda kinky name.  Yeh.

Not So F

[:D]   [:D]   LOL!  That is some good stuff, TAC-GIRL imposter!  This person is a screen writer in the making!  Funny!!!!   [:)]

-RoadDog

*drum roll*

And the award for the longest continuous post on AR15.com goes to...

TACTGIRL!!!
Funny Stuff.

Jewbroni~

Death of some Sales Jerks- A short playlet.

ACT I
Scene: It is a lovely day at the shooting range, in the near future. A few avid hunters and coincidentally, AR-15.commers, are there, and in good spirits, despite the fact that it is not yet the season for avids. Parked nearby is a reeeealy cheap-a$$ sky-blueDodge, several nylon sleeves and cases peek suggestively through the windows. They are sighting in their new LEGP carbines off of a portable bench, and remarking on the amazing accuracy of their unchromed bores. One of them peers through a spotting scope at their target and speaks-

STEYRAUG(calmly): 5 holes in 2 inches at 100 yards. Pretty good for a “16 bbl.

JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, pretty darned good for $660.

TREETOP: What else do you have on you, Steyr? I’d like to see-

GARRYOWEN:(interrupting) Yeah, for a guy who claims to have “got AR’s like Janet Reno got ugly”, you sure haven’t shown us much. One LEGP can’t be your whole collection.

STEYRAUG: I was more interested in bringing out some finer weaponry. CQB fits my job description, so I brought along some Class III items. Steyrgirl didn’t even want me to take it out of the house. This one’s hers.

LORDTRADER: But-

STEYRAUG: Heck, we can’t shoot everything in one day!(pulls out a short, black nylon case) I figured we could try an MP5.

McUZI: (has finally untied himself where he was previously restrained for uninhibited sexual commentary) Aw, yeah! I wanna shoot that thang!

ALL: Geeze, dude, just chill!

STEYRAUG: Let’s give this a try.(he inserts a curved magazine of 9mm ball ammunition into the magazine well, and works the bolt. Swiftly, he brings it to his shoulder, flicks the selector to automatic fire, and burns off 30 rounds in a few seconds, reducing the center of the 50 yd target to a wide-ish, ragged hole.)

ANTIUSSA: Cool. Imagine what that’d do to a gator…

Rustling is heard in the bushes nearby.

ENTER stage right, from the bushes two desperate looking men. One of them, TODD is short, slightly potbellied and wears glasses. The pugnacious look, and the glare which he aims at all who are taller than him decisively determines him to have a definite case of Little Man Syndrome. The other, HANGFIRE, rangy, and with an arrogant stride, has a crazed look in his bloodshot eyes, revealing to all within 20 feet that he has once again mixed his medications. They bear several heavy garbage bags, and stagger under the weight slightly.

All shooters offer, without any visible enthusiasm, various glum salutations, some of the more respected members refusing to even acknowledge their presence. TODD pulls a couple of poorly finished pot-metal firearms from one of the bags and advances to the firing line, next to the shooters…

To Be Continued…

Gee NSF,  ya think??? [;D]

OUT-STAN-DING work gentlemen!

Didn't earn my GED the easy way.

NSF

Gecko you are one funny MoFo.

We're talking about TODD here. he went into business to be flamed. If anyone deserves it it's Toad. oh, and hangnail, uh Hangfire

More, MORE, [b]MORE[/b]!!! [:D]

DAGNABBIT .... somebody owes me a new keyboard .... one without snot and pepsi all in it !!!!

She is getting a lot of help I will admit that.

For a minute I was thinking it was for real :) good joke LOL.

I really wish I knew who is doing this work. this is really good material!

Gecko45 I don't use the word "genius" often.


But you are one f*cked up crazy insane genius.


When I retire can I get a job?

That is VERY funny stuff, and dead on accurate too...

You two are geniuses, you should start a show.

Gecko, where is part II???

TODD,,, YOU MILKY LICKER!!!!! Busy my ass!!!! You are a lying sack of shit!!! I KNOW what you do all day. You do nothing but play video games on that stupid computer of yours. I know, cause we were down there 3 weeks ago watching you do it and you even told me that is all you like to do. You ignore your customers. Remember us?, My buddy is the one that bought that unassembled G-3 and you said you would E-mail us with the names of gunsmiths to put it together, but you haven't yet. No wonder your business is dwindling. GET OFF THAT DAMN COMPUTER AND GET TO WORK YOU BUTT BURGLER!!!!!!!!!

BTW, I know this is a joke, but I had to add some truth to this thread.

Well, what do you expect him to do???

He's gotten booted off every gun board known to man, so he has to have something to do now.

His guns are perfect, so he might as well sit around and play with himself while the money rolls in.

(I was being sarcastic, in case anyone doesn't know my feelings about toad)

Right here. And yes, STEYR, you can cover my six anytime.

-------------------------------------

Part II of "Death of some Sales Jerks"

Cont. from part one.

The newcomers, TODD and HANGFIRE stride to the 50 yard line beside our AR-15.Commers. TODD inserts a magazine of WOLF 9mm ammunition into his SW5, pulling off the side of the magazine a sticker that, when discreetly pocketed by one of the other shooters, HKOCHER, is shown to read, “Rsvd. for customer ******” with a later addition in pencil, “Ah, screw ‘im”.

FRANKSQUID: (under breath to others) Just act like he’s not there…

Some of the members are taking his advice, others, with more deeply entrenched grudges, are loading magazines. Meanwhile, TODD swiftly works the bolt handle with arrogant speed and skill, smoothly sliding the first round into the chamber, while HANGFIRE, his flunky, looks on in adoration.)  At least, that seems to be the plan. In practice, the cocking tube is so incredibly rough, it sounds as though it has been lined with sandpaper, and is too difficult for TODD to fully work the bolt. Frustrated, he yanks again on the charging handle, and with a gritty scraping sound, the bolt travels fully back.


And stops.

It is, quite clearly, stuck in the tube. TODD hauls on the charging handle to no avail, and curses, under his breath nonetheless causing the grass in front of him to turn brown at the obscenity. None of this however, has wiped the sappy grin of mindless subservience off of HANGFIRE’s face.

JUGGERNAUT:(loudly, mockingly cheerful) Y’need a little help there, Mister?

TODD and HANGFIRE in unison: NO! It’s PERFECT!

TODD bangs the gun, butt first on the bench, causing a rifle to wobble precariously. GARANDMAN, the owner, grabs it, and saves it from a fall. TODD bangs the SW5 again, and peers down the bore at the bolt.

IMBROG|IO(leans towards them swiftly):Hey, that’s not saf-

HANGFIRE:(suddenly enraged) What are you implying? Is that a threat? Are you saying something bad is going to happen to us? Well?

TODD:(soothingly, like chalk on sandpaper) No, no, nothing like that. He’s just concerned about me, after all, I’m very important. Just be calm, you’re PR, remember, Hangy?(hands him the Jammed SW5) Now, take alook in there, and see if you can see anyplace where the bolt is hung. My glasses are kind of foggy.

HANGFIRE:Ok. (scrapes some shavings aside from the ejection port and peers at the bolt.) Noooooo…Just seems tight all around.(smacks it on the ground, much to the semi-chagrin of the nearby shooters, who have stopped shooting altogether, and are trying to watch the two without seeming ostentatious, or-God forbid!_ concerned) Think I got it.

The bolt scrapes forward finally, scraping a round of steel cased ammo from the magazine and TODD wrenches it from his employee’s hands.

TODD: Good. Now stand back (louder)Let’s show these guys what a REAL gun can do!

Tossing a depreciating sneer at the MP5 held by the bemusedly grimacing STEYR AUG,
Todd aims from the hip and pulls the trigger…

To be continued...

Gecko45

I must have more!!! Find some more drugs and get this show on the road!

Even better, you're knowledge of the SW lineup is scary.

Are you sure you don't have a SW5 at you bed-side for home defense???[;)]

Final Installment-

Part Three

Amazingly, the SW5 fires. “Crack! Crack! Crack! Crack!” 4 times in all, rather rapidly. TODD, firing from the hip, misses the 10-inch target completely, though this could be attributed to the barrel, sights, or poor marksmanship. As the bolt grinds forward the fifth time, there is instead of the sharp crack, a faint click. Some of the bystanders nod at each other knowingly at the misfire, as TODD glares at his masterpiece. He seems frustrated and embarrassed, but seemingly does not wish to acknowledge the fact that the gun has misfired. He leans it casually on the bench, and reaches next for his SW3.

TODD: That’s enough, let’s-

Then without warning, the SW5 fires again, and with a snap, the 5th 9mm round strikes TODD’s partner in the lower leg. He screams like a girl.

TODD:(spinning around in surprise) Hangfire!


STEYRAUG: Sure was…

9DIVDOC jogs casually forward to them, and kneeling besides the lanky man in the fetal position, screaming his head off. FRANKTHESPANK runs for the phone.  

Hangfire is bleeding freely, but his wound is not serious. One of them, Vyper45, loans 9DIVDOC a knife to cut the stained jeans away from the leg. The others, some 20, cluster around and give advice, some helpful, some not. Much of the advice is legal, advising HANGFIRE of his amazing opportunity to sue his employer for his injury on the job. TODD scurries about, almost frantic first assuring HANGFIRE that he will be fine, just fine, then next tugging at the arms of shooters quoting 6 digit numbers as possible compensation for being shot by an employer.

NSFJojo: Hangfire, man, you are gonna clean up on this one-

TODD:(snarling ): Shut up, you ___________, he’s gonna be fine! Don’t give him the wrong ideas. He’s gonna be walking again in no time! Right, Hangy?

HANGFIRE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuugh!*wheeze*Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuugh!

TODD pulls his hair in desperation, wailing something about lapsed insurance.

Hkocher(musing as if to himself)Gee, gonna be hard to cover these costs. Even a multi-million dollar businessman might notbe able to pay for a ruined limb.

TODD:You G.D., S.O.B-

M15A2 (carries on the conversation as if  he has not heard): Especially considering it was a weapon! Even more so, a copy of a Death Dealing High-Capacity Semiautomatic SubMachineGun Clone!(he continues speaking in CBS Anchor tones)Why, there’s going to be hell to pay for this example of GunViolence!



(next page)

ED AVILA SR. continues animatedly: Yeah, I don’t know how the jury’s going to feel about this one. Gonna be hard to keep SW running…

STEYRAUG:Yeah, let alone to buy H&K! Dang, man, hate to see you go under over this.

TODD:(now almost in frantic tears): Shuttup! Shuttup, you moron! This is not how it supposed to happen! I’m going to be successful! I am successful! This can’t stop me, none of you can!(he falls to his knees, weeping. Meanwhile, HANGFIRE starts to gurgle in pain on his saliva. Many there, including TODD, mistake it for a death rattle, though when a range bag is placed under his head, he is able to swallow.

TODD: SteyrAUG, this is(pounds his ineffective fist on the ground)all(pound)your(pound)fault!(pound)

In the distance, the sound of an ambulances’ wail can be heard. We leave this odd scene, having learned little since we first looked upon it. The shooters drift back to their benches, shanking their heads and only TODD is left, attempting to bargain through his tears with his irate associate. As we drift back from the cameo, we can hear TODD’s wailing promises of free weapons, a cushy job, 51% of the stock, anything for his co-operation and promise not to sue, interspersed with painful growls from HANGFIRE that he will break TODD and his business utterly for this. Fade to black

(Voice Over)

There is little more to say that can be said without inviting litigation. HANGFIRE recovered fully, to sue TODD successfully for 2.7 million dollars, with all attendant court costs. The publicity was negative for the trail, but not overly extensive enough to cause another bout of gun-banning frenzy from the Brady ilk. Special Weapons soon became no more than a bad dream in the minds of so many firearm owners, and most of the receivers were reassembled with real HK parts for US legal clones. TODD returned to his job at Strabucks, muttering constantly under his breath and HANGFIRE remained on AR15.com for the rest of his days, nursing his “war wound”, and ranting about the First Amendment on private websites. Shawn Nealon, purchased the assets of SW for a fair amount, and reworked the molds and dies thoroughly and was soon selling very decent HK clones under the Cavalry Arms name. No one who was not privy to the tale would have ever guessed that they were connected the defunct SW.

The shooters that were present on the fateful day at the range, also witnesses at the trial, grew to have a faint aura of fame in the firearms community, though they had little to do with the incident, and much to say about it. It lives on it the shooting community as “Bloody Wednesday”.

Gecko45/J********* to my friends.

(The above is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons real or otherwise, dead or alive is purely coincidental. All Rights Reserved)

Awesome work, Gecko45. Or may I call you [b]J*********[/b]? [:)]

"screamed like a girl"?!
I want a rewrite!
I get the money, thats good, but who got the
girl?

Had to get one myself. Paid $10.00.

All we need now are streaming videos of this latest newscast.

I fell off my seat laughing.

Gecko45,

You are a real piece of work! The only thing missing in closing was a paragraph written, "About the Author"..... but I'm not really sure I want to know.

Rock on!