Long story short, FFL wont transfer a gun to me.
Have NC CCW out of state DL and not mil anymore but my wife is.

FFL says he cant transfer the gun, but I know all you have to do as FFL is confirm residence, not be a "resident"  ie dont have to have a DL

basically he would like a contact and the only one I know tried to fish me into a arrest because he was a dumbass.

The FFL does not have to transfer the gun to you.  It is their discretion based on their interpretation of the law and what the ATF has told them.  I was given false information by the ATF on how THEY, specifically Tim Mabe, wanted us to do the paperwork.  Tim told EVERYBODY how to do things HIS way, or else.  By "or else", I mean he would threaten to take your license.  In fact, he did try VERY hard to take Jim's license.  Overall, the ATF creates an atmosphere where the FFL is the victim and the ATF is the bully.  As you proceed, please consider this.  Don't try to get the ATF to force the FFL to do their job.  The ATF are the bad guys here.

http://www.nssf.org/share/PDF/BP021108.pdf

i agree the atf are douchbags, but the guy wants "backup" in the decision.

Again, in his defense, the reason he wants a backup is because he's been beaten down by the Gov'mnt so many times.  That said, after 15 years in the business, I know what dealers do it right and what ones are 'overly cautious' to put it kindly.  I have a few 'dealers' on my list that are sketchy in one way or another.  One demanded that I fill out TWO 4473's for the purchase of a handful of AR-15 receivers.  The form clearly stated that you MUST do a continuation form, not a separate 4473, if the quantity exceeded the number of places on the form.  He had no clue what that meant or how to do it.  He also demanded that the 4473 say, "rifle" when they were not rifles, they were component receivers that I intended to build as pistols.  He wanted to avoid doing a multiple sales form.  Another dealer had carbon paper and wanted a 'copy' of the 4473 to send to 'corporate' so I would have signed TWO 4473's.  I ignored him and filled out one.  I told him he'd have to photocopy it and I would only sign once.  Ended up leaving that one on the counter and walking out of the store.

To answer your question, though, good luck calling the ATF or finding anybody who cares or will answer a question.