the facts..

she thinks if we get a divorce she would live in the house and i would pay..

i told her it would have to be sold, since its 1/2 mine, and i would need the $ to get a new place


its been brought up a few times in the past, and i said no....we need to work on it..

normaly what happens is we would try and work on things, be nicer and more thoughtful to each other... this might go on for a month, or 2 then slowly things would stop

either from forgetfulness, or something might be going on that's interfering

example.. she goes to sleep at 9, i dont go to sleep till midnight or later

thats my only "free" time to watch TV, do things i need to work on or just "me" time..

so she complains that i dont go up to bed...



our personalities...

i dont talk much.. never have, never will

i have a deep voice and im told i talk loud "so im told anytime im talking loud to the kids, "im yelling"...

i get hyper focused on things that interest me

i suck at showing emotion..

im a realest...

im laid back

i hate to argue or yell, but ill respond when she ramps it up..

if i argue about something,  im fine the next day.. she stews on the shit for years



she is a clean freak and says she has anxiety if the house isnt picked up..

because of this, i get chewed out if she cleans and i do anything to change that.. like leve my mail to build up on the counter... or a dish in the sink

yet with in 3 days our bathroom counter will go from clean to 80% covered with her shit

she likes to escalate things, she cant stop, if you tell her "im done talking about this, i have nothing more to say and dont want to argue" i get.... "who are you to decide when we are done?"/.....

if the kids are acting up, and 1 of us is getting to heated with them we were told to "hand" it off to the other parent to handle so we didnt loses out tempers..

thats fine, but most of the time when i try that, she will say in front of them "no, calm down and you handle it.." and only escalates the issue...




"kids in another room when this happens"



so... this got brought up tonight because this happened...

i come home from work, she says the stuff in the freezer in soft... find out our fridge took a shit "i have no $$$ to buy a new"

so i start to move shit to a freezer in the garage..

her moms little shit dog who we watch when shes at work likes to attack my dog if it gets anywhere near her and knocks my dog down.. my dog is 18+, 1/2 blind and has trouble walking.. this pisses me the fuck off


i get called a liar and then she says "im going to tell my mom you did that"


so i respond in kind with some "choice" words....  when i walk back in from the garage, she tosses shit from the freezer at me as i open the door... so i respond with a whole bunch of colorful words





i would like for things to be batter and stay that way.... not keep slipping back to old habits...


ideas? suggestions? resources?

I'm no marriage counsellor -- and I suggest you find a one, perhaps through your church -- but I'd think back to why you married her in the first place and go from there.

You're the man -- the head of the house. Joining a men's fellowship group might help you by talking with other men & fathers and learn how to manage that role.

Your situation sounds very similar to what my wife and I went through about 7 years ago.  We had been married 10 years, kids were about 5 and 7 and our marriage was in shambles.  You and your wife's personalities are similar to mine and my wife's.  

We used our Christian faith as the foundation to rebuild our marriage, the first part being divorce was not an option.  Making the marriage work was the only option.  We received counseling from our preacher, who was also a good friend too.  He had a program we went through and since then I have made a point to read a marriage book about every two years or so to not let things slip.  Because of our personalities, I have much more control over how our marriage is (good or bad) than my wife does.  The more effort I put forth, the better our marriage is.  

My counsel to you is this, first commit to the marriage.  Next seek out a good marriage counselor who will also commit to making the marriage work being the only option (some counselors keep divorce as an option).  The rest is putting away your own selfishness (both parties) and committing to give each other the emotional support they desire.  Marriage is a lot of work.

Take it from me--seek counselling or mediation. There seems to be some underlying issues here which need to be addressed. Solving those will make your marriage "work" again.

Put all that past stuff behind you--'cuz guess what? All the money, crying or yelling can't change the past.

Please, please don't get involved in the court system. You will make lawyers wealthy and you will turn over a big part of your life to a very impersonal machine, called "the law."

You or your wife will not find "justice" in a courtroom. You will find disillusionment, anger, surprise, and maybe even bankruptcy. Ya really think a corrupt system can handle a set of problems that it knows very little about?

Cool your jets. Take the pain.

You go "a courtin;" and you will quickly find you have traded one set of problems that you know about (and therefore, can solve) for a set of problems you have never dreamt of andat a huge cost to your wallet, your psyche, your spirit, and your kids; well-being.

we have done counseling in the past, 2 different places. shes goes in thinking everything is me, the counselors tell here no, im not the root of all problems..

the problem is she cant drop the past, and will bring it up when ever she gets angry, insecure or paranoid...

say they tell us to work of 4 things, and i do 3, then she says im doing nothing..

or, she will do nothing, saying she wants to see it from me 1st.... and after so long of me seeing nothing in return from her, i give up.


i have no jest to cool, this is all her... i want nothing to do with a separation or divorce..

It takes 2 to get married and 1 to get divorced.  All the counseling in the world will do a marriage no good if BOTH aren't still committed to each other and the family they have made.

The court system sucks; it sucks time, it sucks money and it sucks the sanity right out of you.  And do not think you will find justice there, anything but and HE always gets screwed.

If you get to that point try to do a dissolution, if it is the divorce route find a family law attorney $$$$.

Women?  I don't understand them either...

This is my Ex.  Remembers and holds everything against you. From 20 years before.  

The key is what happens in counseling.  Mine refused to accept that  she is/was anything less than perfect, I was to blame for everything.

The minute a counselor told her things about her she didn't want to hear she left them and looked for another counselor to fit what she wanted to hear.

She never could find one. The last one she "interviewed" for us to see, she had 3 one hour sessions with to tell them everything wrong with me.  Then I got the call for me to go in.  After our 1 hour conversation he told me "I need to talk to her again"

That was the last time we had any counseling.  

If that is the case with you then get an attorney, protect yourself and bail. IMHO

the problem is she is delusional about the house.... she thinks she would just stay there with the kids...

i told here no, in ohio, all off the assets as well as debts  would be split  50/50


so she would either have to pay me 1/2 or it would be sold... and she would have to find a new place to live..


she doesn't believe me

Sell your guns to a friend you trust before the Shit starts.  You can buy them back after everything cools down.   The way you say she is you know she will go after YOUR stuff.  If it comes to it you can swear under oath that you sold them because  of money needs while you are together  I would at least go talk to a Divorce  Attorney by yourself so you are ahead of the curve. An initial consultation should not cost anything. Seen a few friends get the short end because they waited. With Kids a Judge might just give her the house .Right now she is the major bread winner with your work situation. That might help you if it does not go well.
 
It’s none of my business, but you only get one Life. Why spend it miserable.  It won't be good for your kids either way.  You 2 fighting all the time or separated. Good Luck

Lots of advise that could be given should not be given in a public forum, like that above. If interested use pm or email.

Point taken.

 
That does not work, and hiding assets will get you burned.


OP, if your wife isn't committed to making it work, it's not going to work. It sounds like you want to, but it takes two and that means both of you putting in the effort and changing yourselves to make it work.


Be honest with yourselves....if you can't do it, then divorce amicably and decently, and do it for the good of your wife, and your children. A miserable marriage will hurt them as much (if not more) than a miserable divorce. Children set their template for their future relationships by what you show them, you're literally hardwiring them for unpleasant partnering.


Good luck.

seems relevant to the conversation.

Read/do the "Love Dare" book

BOOK, OP, I read this when trying to save my first marriage. REALLY helped me understand things about myself and my ex. We also tried the counseling and after three sessions, I was told "it's her that isn't committed to making it work". I was lucky, no kids to worry about and we did the whole thing without involving any lawyers, but it still put me in a dark place for few months. Hang in there, KEEP YOUR COOL, and cover your ass. Wish I could be of more help but the book is all I got.

OP. You've been married about as long as I have. We went through some tough spots (who hasn't), and the D word came up from time to time.

However, when we were about to call it quits, we reached out to some very close friends (Godly friends), and they counceled us for months.




We met once a week (which required sacrifice from the Wife and I), and we all four read two books together:








Read them together, in that order. If you can't do it together, do it separate, but stay together (reading the same chapter(s), then going over them together over coffee, dinner, whatever).




These books helped change our marriage, and also helped bring back some zeal that I had not seen in many years.




Heck, I'll buy you a copy of both books and send them to you if you think you and your wife will read them.




I'm praying for you two sir. I don't "know" you, but I know of you from here (I think we may also have some mutual acquaintances), and it seems to me like you want to save your marriage. While it's not good for miserable people to stick together "for the kids", statistics show that kids from homes where the parents stuck it out seem to have much better chances at being successful in life (and in their marriages). So, I commend you for wanting to do what you can for your kids, as this was a driving force for me also.




If you need anything man, seriously, PM or email me. I've been there, and while my marriage isn't perfect, we're MUCH stronger than ever.




 

Don’t give up hope yet, I know it seems like its not repairable but I’ve been at a point where I was ready to file for divorce and here I am years later happily married. Its amazing how well we recovered but it doesn’t happen overnight, it took a couple years.
Honestly, your problems don’t seem that bad or unusual. Youre not dealing with issues of violence, drug or gambling addiction so you certainly have a good chance to making things work.

As for the yelling and arguing, its not your problem. Arguing is the symptom, not problem. If you treat the problem, such as financial issues, respect issues, lack of intimacy, differences in parenting styles, etc… the arguing and yelling will go away on its own. Also, fighting is a good sign, it means you still care and are willing to fight for what you want. A marriage therapist once told me he only is concern when couples refuse to fight as it means they have given up and just don’t care anymore, those couple usually don’t make it.
Here just some items that helped my marriage that might help yours.

1 )Debt is a huge strain on a marriage, and money problems are the number one cause of divorce. Women tend to be more sensitive and aware of financial issues and constantly worry about long term goals, like retirement, paying for kids college, etc… Check out Dave Ramsey, its amazing how paying off debt brought my wife and I together to accomplish a common goal. When we were fighting we kept separate bank accounts, paid for bills on our own but when we joined out finances and worked as a team we grew closer. For women money is not just pieces of paper, its security. A mans historic roles as always been a provider to the family so when our finances are falling apart we feel the same way emotional. Getting control of your finances and living with in your means will help greatly. Your fight about the broken freezer probably wouldn’t have had happened if you had the cash set aside for emergencies, it would have turned a full blown end of marriage argument into a minor inconvenience. Not trying to give you a hard time, just being honest and ive been there before, it causes stress when you don’t have enough money at the end of the month to pay the bills.

2) Put your spouse first, before your kids, before your job. The best gift you can give your kids is parents with a happy marriage, its more important than taking them to a dozen different sports, camps, buying them expensive toys, etc…and ive found I actually perform better at work when my wife and I are getting along. An 8 hour day at work when My wife and I are happy is more productive than a 12 hour day when my wife are fighting.

3) Have long hard talks about what you want and expect from the marriage and when they tell you what they expect, literally write it down. We would have the same arguments over and over. Like you mentioned things would change for a month or two but then go back to the way they were because we would forget to do them. Writing them down keeps them fresh in your mind. I keep a list in my drawer in my office this way once a week I will glance at them when Im looking for files and it’s a nice subtle reminder to do simple things like go directly home after work, greet my wife when she comes home even if it means to stop what im doing, send her texts even if its random as she enjoys the attention. All of these little things add up to a happier marriage.

4) I would highly recommend you spend time with your wife in the evenings and go to bed at the same time. My wife mentioned spending time together before bed was extremely important to her. So about an hour before bed I stop whatever Im doing around the house and sit with her on the couch and watch TV. This allows us both a chance to relax, reconnect, and makes sure we’re ready to go to bed at the same time, which speaking from personal experience greatly increases your odds of marital bedroom activities, which as a result helps strengthen your marriage emotionally. Its amazing what that simple act of spending an hour with her before bed has done for our marriage.

5) I think most importantly I worked on MYSELF. You only truly have control over one person in life and that’s yourself. No one or no things makes you happy in life, you choose to be happy, you choose to react in a positive or a negative way when interacting with people or when things happen around you. When I hit a low point in my marriage I decided If she wasent going to be happy with me I was going to at least be happy with myself. I join a gym, lost some weight, joined a hockey team and made some new friends. My marriage still sucked but I was happier and more confident. Also, women are very  attracted to confident men so that improvement really helped rekindle our marriage. I stopped walking on egg shells, dropped the “Yes Dear” line and stood up for myself. It ddnt change things instantly, she def pushed back back but eventually realized that personality was there to stay she. She seems to have more respect for me and is more trusting of what I say, no longer questioning everything I do. When I first got married I looked for someone to complete me, to be my other half, etc…that is a recipe for disaster as it makes your mood dependent on that other person. I am now happy with myself and instead look for a spouse to share the journey of life for me, not complete it for more.

Personally Im glad I stuck it out. Ive had a few friends who got divorced over the years and none of them were magically happier because of it. I think most took what they thought was the “Easy” way out. A couple have remarried but found they have some of the same issues only now they have the additional complications of blended families, alimony payments, etc…

Op, unless one of you have been cheating on the other, I would say seek a marriage councilor. Cheating is the one thing that will destroy trust and a marriage. Everything else can be worked out.

You have grown apart, just leave and have her served. The kids are old enough to figure things out, they'll get over it. Why drag out the inevitable longer...........

Having divorced parents and a divorced parent, I can say from experience that "they'll get over it" is not always the case. I was too young to remember a time when my parents were married. It's just been life as usual for me. However, my son was 10. Yeah, he knew what was going on and it still bothers him 10 years later. And he harbors a pretty deep resentment towards his mother to this day and probably will til he dies. It really all depends on the child and the situation.

This works! Watch the movie too! Fireproof

My statement on the issue is: you should read this post again.  Seriously though, this is good stuff.  

http://www.retrouvaille.org

Do it. It sounds weird, and it is. It works.

How was that supposed to help the OP?      <safe1>

DO NOT DO THAT. THAT WOULD BE ILL ADVISED.

Just wondering....why?

financial misconduct, sale of marital asset. As I stated, better not discussed in a public forum... Now set in multiple posts...

Because the court will see it as a sham sale. If it's done after the divorce proceeding has been filed, then the courts really going to get pissed I could do things like a sign of majority of the debt to the party it believes is committing misconduct.

And if they really wanted to be a dick about it you could be held in contempt of court.

In general, judges are not likely to side with you or really give your opinion much consideration if you were a shady asshole

GET A FUCKING DIVORCE