Dear Brownells.com,
My current goal in life is to give you my money. This time, it happens to be $1,400 of my money, to be precise. I have looked forward to giving you my money since I placed an order with you last week. I was so happy and excited, but then something very sad happened. You wouldn't take my money and placed my order on hold. Again.
Vexed, I attempted to plead my case to chat-based customer service. Sir Eugene was very nice, and I was happy and smiling as I thought you were going to take my money! My dreams were shattered, however, when Sir Eugene informed me that he could not help me give you my money or tell me why...
Now I am in a state of despair, wondering why you don't want my money? You have refused to take my money several times before, and I have often pleaded with the magical being at telephone customer service to tell me why? Much to my dismay, they only smiled and gave me half-finished sentences about mysterious dark magic that checks first-time orders customers place after having placed 10 or 12 prior orders. I can only guess that you won't tell me why because, truthfully, you just don't like me.
Alas, I have not yet given into the urge to cut myself. I cling to one final hope that the magical being at phone-based customer support will take pity on me, cast their magical spell and make me beautiful so you will like me and take my money now and forever lest I be banished permanently to the land of potter fields. I only hope I can last the night until I can call you during your normal business hours.
Longing for your acceptance,
FMJunkie