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Posted: 6/6/2015 2:59:46 PM EDT
[#1]
Understanding Engineers
> > > A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a > particularly slow group of golfers. > > > The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting > for fifteen minutes!" > > > The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" > > > The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with > him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? > They're rather slow, aren't they?" > > > The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. > They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we > always let them play for free anytime!" > > > The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I > think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." > > > The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist > colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them." > > > The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" > |
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Posted: 6/16/2015 4:38:59 PM EDT
[#2]
Marine teacher........... A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence... |
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MI, USA
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Posted: 7/21/2015 3:23:32 PM EDT
[#3]
A liberal guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop.
The liberal guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The liberal guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!" Murphy says to the liberal guy, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya." He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK ... So where is your famous magic trick?" Murphy says .... " Now look in the liberal guy's pocket!" |
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Posted: 7/24/2015 7:49:26 AM EDT
[#4]
I started a camp for kids with ADHD.
It's a Concentration camp. |
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MI, USA
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Posted: 8/16/2015 9:51:14 PM EDT
[#5]
obama went on vacation again.
I hear he’s going to write a new book. He’s calling it “Dreams of My Mullah’s”. -------------------------- Japanese Sex: A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex: Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!" Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!" Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!" Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!" Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!" I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this - you don't know Japanese. You'll read anything as long as it's about sex ... You need serious help! Sometimes I worry about you. ----------------------------------- : Dr. Young vs Dr. Geezer An old geezer, who had long ago retired from farming, became very bored. So he went to medical school and then opened a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: ”Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, I’ll pay you $1,000." Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic. This is what transpired: Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." Can you please help me ?? Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: --- “Aaagh !! This is gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: -- "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: -- "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything. Dr. Geezer: -- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: -- "Oh no you don't. That’s gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: -- "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young, having now lost $1000, leaves angrily but comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: -- "My eyesight has become really weak. I can hardly see. Dr. Geezer: -- "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here's your $1000." Dr. Young: -- "But this is only $500." Dr. Geezer: -- "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Geezers rule. 
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Posted: 10/17/2015 5:58:23 PM EDT
[#6]
Thought I'd bump this old thread.
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.” |
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MI, USA
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Posted: 10/29/2015 9:38:19 PM EDT
[#7]
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted. -------------- To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals), in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, shoot .... I'll see you on the bus. ----------------------------- My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. today. Can you believe the gall of my neighbor? Fortunately for him I was still up playing my drums. -------------------- They had to get a translator at the DMV today. Someone came in speaking English. ------------------ They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds? |
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Posted: 10/30/2015 5:33:19 AM EDT
[#8]
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition. |
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Posted: 10/31/2015 4:18:17 PM EDT
[#9]
"Violence in sports is getting so bad. Yesterday I went to a prize fight and a hockey game broke out!"
--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Posted: 11/30/2015 11:37:24 PM EDT
[#10]
Husbands
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way? 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong? 4. What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5 I don't understand what you mean? 6. What the hell did you do now? 7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 8. Am I dreaming? 9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. 10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. 11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she? Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it? |
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Posted: 12/1/2015 7:56:53 PM EDT
[#11]
A Scottish Golf Story
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do,' said Shawn 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... |
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Posted: 1/9/2016 5:44:12 PM EDT
[Last Edit: GiggleSmith]
[#12]
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Posted: 1/12/2016 2:13:44 PM EDT
[#13]
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?" "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story". As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay . Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown . "Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?" "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat. |
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Posted: 1/12/2016 6:00:31 PM EDT
[#14]
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MI, USA
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Posted: 1/16/2016 9:02:30 PM EDT
[#15]
Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your x. She's never coming back and don't ask y. |
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Posted: 1/29/2016 7:02:36 PM EDT
[#16]
Confucius Say:
A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying "Hold my purse." |
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MI, USA
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Posted: 2/6/2016 6:51:46 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 15jonshoot]
[#17]
Good News From the White House Concerning Pensions, Healthcare and Benefits:
imgurl If I hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know. |
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Posted: 2/11/2016 5:05:37 AM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By thebeekeeper1: I'm from Wisconsin, so hopefully I can get away with posting this-- Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By thebeekeeper1: I'm from Wisconsin, so hopefully I can get away with posting this-- > Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a weeklong ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Vikings had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Packers had caught 200 fish and the Vikings 0. That evening the Viking coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packer camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice". Southreners aren't going to get that one. |
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Posted: 2/11/2016 1:24:56 PM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By edb66:
Southreners aren't going to get that one. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By edb66:
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
I'm from Wisconsin, so hopefully I can get away with posting this-- > Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a weeklong ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Vikings had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Packers had caught 200 fish and the Vikings 0. That evening the Viking coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packer camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice". Southreners aren't going to get that one. There are Viking fans in the South? Who knew???? 
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Posted: 2/11/2016 7:32:20 PM EDT
[#20]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By thebeekeeper1: There are Viking fans in the South? Who knew???? Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Originally Posted By edb66: Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: I'm from Wisconsin, so hopefully I can get away with posting this-- > Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a weeklong ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Vikings had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Packers had caught 200 fish and the Vikings 0. That evening the Viking coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packer camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice". Southreners aren't going to get that one. There are Viking fans in the South? Who knew???? (((HUGS)))) Beekeeper. I have family in WI and MN.  It took me years to figure out I couldn't drive my truck out onto the lake when I moved to AL. |
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Posted: 2/11/2016 9:34:35 PM EDT
[#21]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By angelfire:
Roll Tide... (((HUGS)))) Beekeeper. I have family in WI and MN. It took me years to figure out I couldn't drive my truck out onto the lake when I moved to AL.
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By angelfire:
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
. (((HUGS)))) Beekeeper. I have family in WI and MN. It took me years to figure out I couldn't drive my truck out onto the lake when I moved to AL.
Hehe It's good to "see" you, Dear Lady! 
I should send you some cheese. We brought a bunch home at Christmas time--YUMMMMMMMMMMMM |
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Posted: 4/10/2016 11:39:08 PM EDT
[#22]
Yes it's Florida, but it's somewhat heartwarming--
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible!" |
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Posted: 6/17/2016 8:34:38 PM EDT
[#23]
Ain't the one that came up with this:
LRSD31C:What did the terrorist say when he walked into the gay bar? ...... ...... LRSD31C:So, of course, when the terrorist walked into the gay bar he said... "Shots for everyone!" |
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Posted: 6/20/2016 11:57:45 PM EDT
[#24]
It's all in the pronunciation
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came To his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and Again answers, "a quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps Him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" And storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." |
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Posted: 6/20/2016 11:59:15 PM EDT
[#25]
Meanwhile, somewhere in Africa
A priest was leaving his mission in the jungle, where he had spent years civilizing a tribe of natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So, he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The priest was getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of very heavy sexual activity. The priest is really flustered and quickly responds "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief, telling him that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized, and to be kind to each other. And, now, how could you just kill these people in cold blood? The chief replied, "My bike." |
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Posted: 8/28/2016 6:21:17 PM EDT
[#26]
When Chuck Norris' was a little tyke his wading pool was the Red River.
Chuck Norris is also the reason there is land South of the Red River that belong to Oklahoma. (Check the maps) |
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Posted: 9/25/2016 11:26:49 PM EDT
[#27]
CARDS AT THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB
Seven retired Italian Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!" So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale. |
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Posted: 9/25/2016 11:29:25 PM EDT
[#28]
DEAF WIFE....."Priceless”
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, it's chicken" |
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Posted: 10/23/2016 8:59:43 AM EDT
[#29]
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Posted: 11/28/2016 3:15:42 PM EDT
[#30]
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied. "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that." |
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Posted: 12/4/2016 6:56:52 PM EDT
[Last Edit: GiggleSmith]
[#31]
From Elsewhere:
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, Ireland, a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.” After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?” “Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband. “Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied. ”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch. |
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Posted: 12/23/2016 8:40:30 PM EDT
[#32]
IMMUTABLE LAWS 1. Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers. 5. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. 6. Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. 7. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 8. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! 9. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 11. The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 12. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 13. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 14. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. 15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! 17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it! 18. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. |
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Posted: 1/9/2017 12:49:51 AM EDT
[#33]
Following Orders
A U.S. Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. A message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.' Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?' |
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Posted: 1/14/2017 10:46:13 AM EDT
[#34]
A wild eyed (and quite ugly) 69 year old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, District of Columbia, waivingan un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?”
A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo Hillary!” 
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Posted: 4/14/2017 9:51:52 AM EDT
[#35]
Husband’s Text Message: “Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays. I had a blow to my head. Fortunately it did not cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in my left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife’s Response: “Who’s Paula?” |
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Posted: 4/14/2017 11:06:36 PM EDT
[#36]
This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo at a gun shop.
On the way home from the gun shop he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of his pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?” He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?” |
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Posted: 4/29/2017 8:58:10 AM EDT
[#37]
 Failed To Load Title |
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Posted: 4/29/2017 9:31:57 AM EDT
[#38]
Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. One says to the other "what would you rather have, Alzheimers or Parkinsons"? Other guy says "Parkinsons. I'd rather loose a half ounce of scotch than forget where I put the bottle".
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Posted: 6/14/2017 3:39:49 PM EDT
[#39]
She found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week." |
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Posted: 6/25/2017 3:57:47 PM EDT
[#40]
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Posted: 7/14/2017 8:58:36 PM EDT
[#41]
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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Posted: 7/16/2017 5:12:27 PM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism. I am going to USE this for my office.
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Posted: 8/3/2018 5:45:06 PM EDT
[#43]
The Thread should NOT die:
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Posted: 8/3/2018 6:05:32 PM EDT
[#44]
Quote HistoryStep one: Fire one round into head of cat.
Step two: Hold cat as long as you'd like Step there: profit?? |
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Posted: 10/27/2018 8:55:57 PM EDT
[Last Edit: GiggleSmith]
[#45]
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Posted: 10/28/2018 6:44:37 AM EDT
[#46]
This thread has been around so long that this may be a repeat.
A lawyer dies and is standing in front of the Pearly Gates. He says, "Saint Peter, I'm only 35, I'm too young to die!" St. Peter examines a huge old book, and says, "According to your billable hours, you are 76!" |
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Posted: 10/28/2018 7:44:21 AM EDT
[#47]
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Posted: 10/31/2018 6:17:19 PM EDT
[#48]
Staged of course....
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Posted: 11/8/2018 11:11:10 PM EDT
[#49]
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Posted: 11/10/2018 9:46:45 PM EDT
[#50]
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