A Man went the doctors office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a triple dose.
‘Why not?’ asked the man.
‘Because it’s not safe,’ replied the doctor.
‘But I need it really bad,’ said the man.

‘Well, why do you need it so badly?’ asked the doctor.
The man said, ‘My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home
on Sunday. Can’t you see? I’ve got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented saying, ‘All right, I’ll give it to you,
but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you
to see if there are any side effects.’

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s
office…his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, ‘Good gawd! What happened to you?’
The man said, ‘No one showed up’.

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
--------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
--------------------------------------------
A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve politicians?", he asks the barman.
"Of course", says the barman.
"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a politician."
-------------------------------------------
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call her "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Are you kidding' me", she barked, "I dropped you off" !!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."


She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
-----------------------------------------------
WASHINGTON, DC - Sources close to the White House have learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at the end of this month.

Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe that the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican's highest office.

Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue, he states that he has discovered an Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born in Kenya. "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid for it anyway," he noted.

Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan."

Further questions should be directed to Obama's Papal Campaign Manager, Abdul Azeem Khan.
--------------------------------------
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?'

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach.. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandfather!'
----------------------------------

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and therefore they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $100,000. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $200,000 and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $300,000, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company


Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.
The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, Chapter 9, you
will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Jay Leno, from a fwd, fwd, fwd email.

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want  to
get audited by the IRS."

On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all
Americans  - now we have one."

On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he
has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to
close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The  doors will be shut in a month."

Concerning the Benghazi , Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember
in  the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"

On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy
not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."

"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the
subject."

"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're
casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the fifth."

"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"

"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in
Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten."

On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their
future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only
other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read
the official report on Benghazi ."

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."

"Give it to me right now", she screamed.  "I'm so wet."


"No", I said.  "Get your own umbrella."

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC .

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking
for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse
them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to
car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here .."

The monk went to the head of his order and said "Father Hugh, I want to become a botanist. Can you send me to school for that?"
To which Father Hugh replied "I am sorry my son, but it is written that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars."
------------------------------------
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to      determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:  when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.

- I want to be the only one in his life.

- I want him to sleep always by my side.

- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!

 

A man returned home from work one evening to find his girlfreind's bags packed and sitting by the door. The girlfreind was standing in font of the door with her arms crossed and a irate look on her face. The man was perplexed because everything was fine when he left that morning.

"What's going on," the man asked her.

"I'm leaving you," she relied.

"Why?" he asked, " Everything was going great between us."

"I heard today that you are a pedophile," she exclaimed.

"A pedophile!" the man responded, "Don't you think that's an awful big word for a ten-year-old to be using?"

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
--------------------------
Did you hear about Adolph, the Brown Nose Reindeer?



He could run as fast as Rudolph - he just couldn’t stop as quick!

So I bought this bull that I thought I would use to breed my cows. After several months.... nothing. He doesn't even act interested in the cows at all. I'm thinking "great, I got a gay bull or something".

So I call the vet. He comes out and gives me some pills for the dumb thing. After just a couple days he's humping every cow on the farm! Heck, he even jumps the fence and knocks up all the neighbors cows!

I have no idea what those pills are but they taste like peppermint.

   A Catholic priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the
   sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
   Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the
   same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can
   also be very dangerous.

   Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
   resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

   The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts
   more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

I went to the bank today.


I had to take my paycheck there.





It was too small to go by itself.

It says jokes we might enjoy.....



 

Sorry it just wouldn't work using direct deposit....

Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic
rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition,  200 pounds of heroin, 5 million dollars
in forged US banknotes and 25 prostitutes --- all located in a semi-detached house
behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.

Local residents were stunned.  A community spokesman said:  

"We're all shocked,.......we never knew we had a library."

This is the story of a blond flying in a two-seater airplane. The training pilot has a heart attack and dies.

The blond frantically calls out, "May Day!  May Day!  Help me!  Help me!
My pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly.  Please help me!”

Voice over the radio, "This is Air Traffic Control, a retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem & will talk you through this.  Now, just take a deep breath.
Everything will be fine!”  Please give me your height and position.”

He says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”

"OK" says the controller, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven... ."

I figured you might not have heard of this one.



We all need to just live and be happy and laugh a lot and always see the positive side of things.  

You know, rainbows and puppies, happiness is an attitude, that kind of thing.  

We need to always be happy and not feel sad or disappointed when people slight us or make us angry.

Did you know that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
only 4 to extend your middle finger?

A priest,  a rabbi, a midget, and a gay black man walk into a bar.



The bartender looks at them and says,  "What is this, some kind of joke?"

I would laugh if this wasn't my life



 

Today while driving I figured out what I am.





The guy driving in front of me was driving in such a manner that it was obvious he was a dick.



The guy driving behind me was clearly driving like an asshole.



So,  being stuck between a dick and an asshole,  I realized I must be a testicle.

A recent study shows that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than men who mention it.

During a long day of looking around Cabela’s, a couple
of my friends and I stopped in at ‘Hooter's for some
Hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me
which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and have to pee a lot.
----------------------
      She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to
her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
       The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
         
       She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was
wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
       She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in
my car.  I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
         
       He said, "Sure."  He walked over to the car, and in less than
a minute the car was open.
       She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO
Much!  You are a very nice man."
         
       The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out
of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
         
       The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
         
       Is GOD great or what!?!
---------------------------------
We all need to just live and be happy and laugh a lot and always see the positive side of things.  

You know, rainbows and puppies, happiness is an attitude, that kind of thing.  

We need to always be happy and not feel sad or disappointed when people slight us or make us angry.




Did you know that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your middle finger?

New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval...

ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries...

SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim...

SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV...

WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores...

SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently...

FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by.

Rev. Al Not So Sharpton...

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were
really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher in our town, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me - I don't know why, maybe it was because I was
the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty,
and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and
repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen.

Why I Love Older Women


SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES........ A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON... WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.  THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."


THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - NEVER BE ARROGANT.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid…

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

Two policemen call the station on the radio.  


"Hello. Is that you Sarge?  


"Yes?


"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on  
the floor she had just mopped clean.


"Have you arrested the woman?


"No sir.... The floor is still  wet."  

I took my dog Mason to apply for welfare yesterday.
They told me he didn't qualify.
I told them he was lazy, unemployed and didn't know who his Daddy was.
Mason gets his first check next week