 |
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:30:28 PM
Three bucks are in a mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their does.
The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does with this new buck." The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY does." The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10 does." Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground seemed to shake. Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does." The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in the bushes, he'll leave me alone." But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely confrontational way. Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10 does." "He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BUCK!" |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:40:48 PM
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The
Georgia 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" A Mississippi man came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here My house is on fire!" "OK,"replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks? Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Israel. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver..."Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?" "I was born here." |
|
|
|
thebeekeeper1
Member
Site Staff
Joined: Mar 2001  IL, USA
 
 Posts: 86465 Feedback: 100% (17) Link To This Post |
Posted: 6/27/2012 11:07:00 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts real bad. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results . The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Costco! |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2012 8:09:16 AM
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist
as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his speeding traffic fine. "Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle." |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/28/2012 5:25:27 PM
 This thread has always been a great place to go for a laugh. Thanks to its huge joke input theres at least 1 genuine laugh per page. (Beekeeper1, 15jonshoot, other posters) THANKS! |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:03:34 PM
Originally Posted By 300yd:
This thread has always been a great place to go for a laugh. Thanks to its huge joke input theres at least 1 genuine laugh per page. (Beekeeper1, 15jonshoot, other posters) THANKS!It's a fun thread, be wary of what you post though. I try not to make too many jokes with women as the target, it is their section. And they can bite if they need to do so  .
It's usually easy enough to change the butt of the joke to something else, like I did with this one below. And it was just blond without gender as I got it originally. An idiot told the liberal: "Christmas is on a Friday this year" The liberal then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th. |
|
|
|
GiggleSmith
الجارحه
Team Member
Joined: Apr 2003 PA, USA
 
Posts: 27762 Feedback: 0% (0) Link To This Post |
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:29:43 PM
 |
|
|
thebeekeeper1
Member
Site Staff
Joined: Mar 2001 IL, USA
Posts: 86630 Feedback: 100% (17) Link To This Post |
Posted: 7/4/2012 5:25:21 PM
TEXAS VS CALIFORNIA
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish and Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure th e area is now free of dangerous animals. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "Coyote Awareness Program" for residents of the area. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State. TEXAS : The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent 50 cents on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge. The buzzards eat the dead coyote. And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not. |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 7/5/2012 11:08:08 AM
Nancy Pelosi goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". Nancy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Charlie Rangel spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. |
|
|
|
thebeekeeper1
Member
Site Staff
Joined: Mar 2001 IL, USA
Posts: 86832 Feedback: 100% (17) Link To This Post |
Posted: 7/10/2012 10:44:34 PM
~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?" |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 7/12/2012 5:55:20 AM
Merkel travels to Greece, at the airport the customs officer asks: "Nationality?"
Merkel: "German". Customs officer: "Occupation?" Merkel: "No, I'll be just staying for a few days." |
|
|
|
thebeekeeper1
Member
Site Staff
Joined: Mar 2001 IL, USA
Posts: 87028 Feedback: 100% (17) Link To This Post |
Posted: 7/18/2012 5:56:32 PM
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the
night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack at 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I KNOW he won't ask for directions." |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:28:32 PM
A liberal's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks. "Here boy!" she replies. |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:29:54 PM
A lady was golfing. She swung, missed and fell down.
Obama was in the next foursome and came over to look. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "yes, I do." "Will you vote for me in November?" The lady replied "I fell on my butt, not my head." |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:33:58 PM
"BEER" BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good. 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' ––Tim, 7 years old 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ' ––Mellanie, 7 years old 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' ––Grady, 7 years old ''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' ––Toby, 7 years old 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. ––Sarah, 7 years old 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' ––Lilly, 7 years old 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' ––Ethan, 7 years old 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' ––Shirley, 7 years old 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again. But that doesn't make any sense.' ––Jack, 7 years |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 7/25/2012 3:50:00 PM
How to Get a Jeep Unstuck
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." |
|
|
Striker
Arfcom's foreign office.
Site Staff
Joined: Nov 2000  CAN
Posts: 43254 Feedback: 0% (0) Link To This Post |
Posted: 7/28/2012 8:44:40 PM
Wives
don't forget old boyfriends!
Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor living it large break-dancing, moon-walking, back-flips, the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"  |
|
|
|
Posted: 7/29/2012 11:57:28 AM
[Last Edit: 7/29/2012 11:58:42 AM by 15jonshoot]
Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where theres a robot bartender! The robot says, What will you have? The guy says, Whiskey. The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, Whats your IQ? The guy says, 168. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, What will you have? The guy says, Whiskey. Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, Whats your IQ? The guy says, 100. The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, What will you have? The guy says, Whiskey, and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, Whats your IQ? The guy says, Uh, about 50. The robot leans in real close and says, SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama? - On a nice Saturday morning this summer I'm having playing a game of golf with a man, 25 years old. Getting ready to putt on the second hole, we see that woman running towards us in a wedding gown. The young man with me looks at her and says:" I told you: only if it rains!" We all know what a Birdie is, (one under par) and a Bogey is one over par but what is a Clinton? That's when you leave your shot three feet from the hole. |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:57:32 AM
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More than a day or two..' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see Yours. ''Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he Fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get The hell out of here!' |
|
|
|
thebeekeeper1
Member
Site Staff
Joined: Mar 2001 IL, USA
Posts: 87463 Feedback: 100% (17) Link To This Post |
Posted: 8/8/2012 11:40:40 PM
Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me, as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks, and because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. President, but these are the bank rules and I must obey them." Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check." Cashier: "Look, Mr. President, there may be a solution to your dilemma: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and promptly cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. "So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and he finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do." Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?" |
|
|
Striker
Arfcom's foreign office.
Site Staff
Joined: Nov 2000 CAN
Posts: 43345 Feedback: 0% (0) Link To This Post |
Posted: 8/12/2012 5:56:07 PM
The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what she was talking about............. the fridge works fine. WOMEN, who can understand them? |
|
|
|
Posted: 8/13/2012 5:32:05 PM
Q. Why is Obama more popular in China than in America?
A. He created jobs over there. ============================ Q. Why isn't TSA catching any terrorists? A. They don't screen passengers on Air Force One. ============================ It was recently revealed that President Obamas autobiography was actually written by the SDS terrorist Bill Ayers. Worse yet, Ayers copied most of it from Jimmy Carter's autobiography. ============================== Obama was leaving the country club golf course when he was accosted by an armed robber who demanded, "Give me all of your money!" Barack haughtily replied, "Do you know who I am. I'm the President of the United States!" The robber snarled back, "Then give me all MY money." ================================ Based on his performance in office so far, President Obama should do just fine on his future tax returns. After all, he will be able to write off his second term. ============================= Q. Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Jimmy didn't want to be the worst President in history. ============================== Q. Why did Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead. Q. Why did Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead. ============================== Q. What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A. Deductible. ============================= |
|
|
|
|
Posted: 8/13/2012 5:37:27 PM
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!! Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??' |
|
|
|
Striker
Arfcom's foreign office.
Site Staff
Joined: Nov 2000 CAN
Posts: 43380 Feedback: 0% (0) Link To This Post |
Posted: 8/21/2012 9:41:38 AM
I was visiting my daughter
and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod." I can tell you, that
friggin fly never knew What hit it...
|
|
|
D233
Inmate #36455
Life Member
Joined: Mar 2003 USA
Posts: 20488 Feedback: 100% (10) Link To This Post |
Posted: 8/21/2012 10:55:10 AM
Originally Posted By ppknut:
How to Get a Jeep Unstuck During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."  |
|
