Originally Posted By Max-Paul: Have to give my wife credit for finding this on one of the boards she visits. Seven Reasons Not To Mess With Children:)) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

I love it.

What do tickle me Elmo dolls get before they leave the factory?




Two test tickles.

A slighted updated version of this:

The World's Shortest Books: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton _______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton ________________________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton ___________________________________ MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman _________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC ___________________________________ A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian __________________________________ ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel ____________________________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson ________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy ___________________________________ MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND, JUST ADDED : Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy! By Nancy Pelosi

a man and his wife are in the car, she's driving.

the man says "i want a divorce", no response from his wife, she just drives a little faster
so, he says "i think i should get the house",

still no response, she just drives faster

he says "i think i should keep the kids", still she stays quiet and just drives faster

"i want the money in our savings and the good car" still no response from his wife she just drives faster

"isn't there anything you want?"

"i've got everything i want"

"whats that?"

"the airbag"

A young couple, Tom and MaryAnn, joined a new church and the pastor told them, "We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after three weeks returned to
see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" inquired the pastor.
"We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly. "The first week we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week, we were powerless." The pastor asked what happened.
The young man replied, "My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. It was loud and passionate lovemaking. It lasted over an hour and, when we were done, we were both drenched in sweat."
The pastor said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church." "We understand." said Tom hanging his head. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.

"Excuse me," he said.

"I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere."

Don't mess with a woman, as hell truly hath no fury as a woman scorned . . .

Curtain Rods.... Priceless ~ She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I'm not so sure about this one. If anyone thinks it's inappropriate for the WS Forum just let me know and I'll can it.

The Voodoo Penis A Texas businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!" The husband said "The what"? The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..." The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!" The rest, as they say, is history....

not a tag

Little Mikey came into the kitchen where his mother was
making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good
time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
birthday."

Now, Little Mikey was a bit of a troublemaker. He had
gotten into trouble at school and at home. Mikey's mother asked him if
he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Mikey,
of course, thought he did.

Mikey's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to
reflect on his behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and
tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Mikey stomped
up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for
my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Mikey


Mikey knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very
good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Mikey. I have been a pretty
good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Mikey

Mikey knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter
and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am
very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Mikey

Mikey knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going
to get him a bike. By now, he was very upset. He went downstairs
and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Mikey's mother thought
her plan had worked because Mikey looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother
said. Mikey walked down the street to the church and up to the
altar. he looked around to see if anyone was there. he picked up a
statue of the Virgin Mary , slipped it under his jacket and ran out of the
church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. he
shut the door and sat down and wrote his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.


IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.


Signed, YOU KNOW WHO