Posted: 5/3/2012 3:53:23 PM
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
Posted: 5/7/2012 4:06:39 PM
Not sure if this is true or just a tall tale, though I would not be surprised if it were true.
My Kind Of Teacher - Semper Fidelis
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence.
He had no trouble with discipline that year.
And thanks for your service, y'all
Posted: 5/8/2012 1:44:13 AM
A golfer finishes his round and stops at the grocery store to get some things his wife asked him to pick up on his way home. As he returns to his car, a new Cadillac, his hands are full of grocery bags and he can't get his keys out of his pocket. Just then he notices an attractive young blonde woman walk by. "Miss," he says, "I know this is an awkward request, but would you mind reaching into my pocket and getting my keys?" "Oh, sure," she replies. As she pulls out the keys, several golf tees fall out onto the ground. "What are these?" she asks. "Oh, those keep my balls up when I drive," he replied. "Wow," she said, "those engineers at Cadillac think of EVERYTHING!"
Posted: 5/20/2012 6:54:51 AM
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
Posted: 5/20/2012 6:55:36 AM
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1.. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2.. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3.. Help someone when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he's in trouble again.
4.. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5.. Reforming an Obama supporter is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.
Posted: 5/20/2012 6:59:51 AM
PGA Rule Changes for Seniors
Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (B) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is Simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.B.3(G) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k) There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7..G.15(z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9( S) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old outdated equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
Posted: 5/20/2012 7:05:53 AM
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself . . .
I’m going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him:
“Where am I?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back:
"You're in that basket up there.."
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'
Posted: 5/20/2012 10:48:23 PM
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!
Posted: 5/21/2012 10:02:17 PM
Give it your best answer.
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
>> rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
>> assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
>> haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
>> 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
>> 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go
>> out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
>> 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when
>> you throw it away ?
>> 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
>> Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
>> 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
>> you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
>> plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
>> is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
>> about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at
>> it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
>> THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
>> 1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
>> That one was easy, right?
>> 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
>> developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and
>> 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
>> 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
>> 5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
>> language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
Posted: 5/23/2012 11:00:56 PM
Not a joke, but kinda cool––
Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in
Houston, Texas. Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the
bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that
the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.. As he
considered what to do, he thought to himself, 'You'd better give the quarter back.
It would be wrong to keep it.' Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter.
Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too
much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a 'gift from God' and keep quiet.'
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed
the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change ...'
The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren't you the new preacher in town?'
'Yes' he replied.
'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship.
I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change.
I'll see you at church on Sunday.'
When the preacher stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest
light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.'
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is a really
scary example of how much people watch us as Christians, and will put us
to the test! Always be on guard –– and remember –– You carry the name of
Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself ’Christian’.
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits..
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Posted: 5/24/2012 12:08:50 AM
This is just too beautiful not to share––
Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on
grandpa's computer . Amen.
Posted: 5/29/2012 10:24:17 PM
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a
mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns
green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Stupid man!
Posted: 5/30/2012 7:43:32 PM
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Marilyn.
Lawyer to Saint Peter: "But, but, I thought I'd live to be older than 35..."
Saint Peter, looking in The Book: "I've got your billing hours right here son, and they say that you are 212..."
Posted: 6/8/2012 7:07:34 PM
Low-life cheatin' Republican!
The Presidential election 2012 was too close to call. Neither Mitt Romney
nor Obama had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting,
court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the
sportsmanlike way to settle things.
The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the
It was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two
candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would
take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for
counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the starting
line and he had 10 fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having
a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, the democrats got together secretly and said, "I think the
Mitt Romney is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow don't
bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), the
democrats got together for the report of how the republicans were cheating.
"You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice."
Posted: 6/14/2012 6:24:41 PM
HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE US POST OFFICE?
Welcome to this year's Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you
have been able to find yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you're
well on your way to becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and
become a member of the US Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem
and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits,
* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning
up for work
* Flextime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work
and when you don't want to work away from work
* Free use of government stationery and the Pitney-Bowes meter machine for
all your postage needs.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or
copying from a neighbor's paper will be automatically assigned to the
Letters to Santa Claus Division. OK, now we're ready to begin:
Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer
1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm, how
long have you had for lunch? ––
~ The answer, of course, is half an hour.
2. If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how
long would it take two postal employees to process the same form? ––
~ The answer is, of course, six hours.
For those of you who failed the Mathematics test, don't worry –– you may
still be eligible to become a tax payer policy adviser.
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the
general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a. May I help you, Madam?
b. May I help you, Miss?
c. What can I do you for, baby?
d. How's tricks, doll-face?
~ The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If
you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all
while on your break time.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you
realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:
a. We are aggressively looking into the matter.
b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to the postal inspector.
d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
~ Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should
tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension...and put them on hold.
Spell the following words:
c. Lunch break
This is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the
front, and welcome to the United States Post Office!
Posted: 6/14/2012 6:25:14 PM
Sam had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.
'When did you first notice the leak?' the repairman inquired.
Sam scowled. 'Last night, when it took me 2 hours to finish my soup!'
Posted: 6/14/2012 6:28:06 PM
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to
overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't
seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied. 'I
haven't had a single qualm since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"
"Fuck him, that's his problem."
These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is British, one is American, and the last one is Scottish. But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.
"Let's play golf." The American finally says.
"I don't know how to play that." The Scot says.
"Oh it's easy, " answers the Brit, "all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole."
"I got the ball, " says the American,
"I got the stick, " says the Brit.
Then the Scot says, "I don't wanna play."
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
An octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.
Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even.
The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball , which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the octogenarian, "I do, would you please give me a hand?"
Posted: 6/14/2012 11:20:55 PM
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:I rost.
Sam had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.
'When did you first notice the leak?' the repairman inquired.
Sam scowled. 'Last night, when it took me 2 hours to finish my soup!'
Posted: 6/15/2012 9:07:53 PM
On January 9 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped. The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a “be-a-legend” opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that –– and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
Posted: 6/18/2012 7:07:18 AM
They worked up one side of a street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it ––
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and
fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today
the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
Posted: 6/18/2012 7:12:42 AM
A mother was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the
girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,
she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
One day I was driving with my 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that grandpa."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole!' afterwards."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the
young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, a little voice
inside wouldn't let him. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
But every once in a while he'd hear another internal, reassuring voice
that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single. Just let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering..."Dave, you're a veterinarian..."
Entrance to Heaven
Out of the mouths of babes!!!!
If I sold my house and my
car, had a big garage sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that
get me into Heaven?" I asked the
children in my Sunday School
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church
every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get
me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I
was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my wife,
would that get me into Heaven?" I asked
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Posted: 6/25/2012 12:12:40 PM
A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks ‘Why in the world are you walking
Around like this?’
The cowboy says, ‘Well it’s like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt…. So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants….. So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…. So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
‘Now go to town cowboy. ‘
‘And here I am.’
Posted: 6/25/2012 3:00:38 PM
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land,
or were we shot down?"
Posted: 6/25/2012 3:07:37 PM
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker and with a surprised look on his face begins to chuckle.
"And what's so damn funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing . . . really, but I just realized you came here for the food!"
Posted: 6/26/2012 5:47:20 PM
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or
putting it another way... Who's your baby's Daddy? These are genuine
excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize
and #3 is runner up.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity
of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived
on the same night.
2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if his helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with
I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives
a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country..
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World.Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you