I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.


A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.



I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

A golfer finishes his round and stops at the grocery store to get some things his wife asked him to pick up on his way home. As he returns to his car, a new Cadillac, his hands are full of grocery bags and he can't get his keys out of his pocket. Just then he notices an attractive young blonde woman walk by. "Miss," he says, "I know this is an awkward request, but would you mind reaching into my pocket and getting my keys?" "Oh, sure," she replies. As she pulls out the keys, several golf tees fall out onto the ground. "What are these?" she asks. "Oh, those keep my balls up when I drive," he replied. "Wow," she said, "those engineers at Cadillac think of EVERYTHING!"

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE



1.. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2.. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3.. Help someone when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he's in trouble again.

4.. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5.. Reforming an Obama supporter is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself . . .

I’m going to take that.




Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him:
“Where am I?”

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back:

"You're in that basket up there.."




I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

Give it your best answer.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
>> rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
>> assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
>> haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
>>
>> 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
>> 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go
>> out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
>>
>> 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when
>> you throw it away ?
>>
>> 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
>> Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
>>
>> 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
>> you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
>> plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
>> is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
>> about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at
>> it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Answers:
>>
>> 1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
>> That one was easy, right?
>>
>>
>> 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
>> developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and
>> hung).
>>
>>
>> 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
>>
>>
>> 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
>> tomorrow!
>>
>>
>> 5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
>> language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
>>

This is just too beautiful not to share––

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....





she's 21 and her name's Marilyn.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Lawyer to Saint Peter: "But, but, I thought I'd live to be older than 35..."



Saint Peter, looking in The Book: "I've got your billing hours right here son, and they say that you are 212..."

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE US POST OFFICE?

Welcome to this year's Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you
have been able to find yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you're
well on your way to becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and
become a member of the US Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem
and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits,
including:

* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning
up for work

* Flextime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work
and when you don't want to work away from work

* Free use of government stationery and the Pitney-Bowes meter machine for
all your postage needs.

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or
copying from a neighbor's paper will be automatically assigned to the
Letters to Santa Claus Division. OK, now we're ready to begin:

MATHEMATICS:

Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer
Sheet.

1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm, how
long have you had for lunch? ––

~ The answer, of course, is half an hour.


2. If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how
long would it take two postal employees to process the same form? ––

~ The answer is, of course, six hours.


For those of you who failed the Mathematics test, don't worry –– you may
still be eligible to become a tax payer policy adviser.


MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the
general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:

a. May I help you, Madam?
b. May I help you, Miss?
c. What can I do you for, baby?
d. How's tricks, doll-face?

~ The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If
you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all
while on your break time.


2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you
realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:

a. We are aggressively looking into the matter.
b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to the postal inspector.
d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

~ Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should
tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension...and put them on hold.


SPELLING:

Spell the following words:

a. Coffee
b. Stamp
c. Lunch break
d. Vacation

This is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the
front, and welcome to the United States Post Office!

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."


Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to
overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't
seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied. 'I
haven't had a single qualm since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"
"Fuck him, that's his problem."


These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is British, one is American, and the last one is Scottish. But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.
"Let's play golf." The American finally says.
"I don't know how to play that." The Scot says.
"Oh it's easy, " answers the Brit, "all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole."
"I got the ball, " says the American,
"I got the stick, " says the Brit.
Then the Scot says, "I don't wanna play."




The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


An octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even.
The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball , which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the octogenarian, "I do, would you please give me a hand?"

A mother was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the
girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,
she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

One day I was driving with my 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that grandpa."

I replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole!' afterwards."
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––-

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the
young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––-

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, a little voice
inside wouldn't let him. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear another internal, reassuring voice
that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single. Just let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering..."Dave, you're a veterinarian..."
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Entrance to Heaven

Out of the mouths of babes!!!!


If I sold my house and my
car, had a big garage sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that
get me into Heaven?" I asked the
children in my Sunday School
class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church
every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get
me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I
was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my wife,
would that get me into Heaven?" I asked
them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into
Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land,
or were we shot down?"