Since Friday, my entire neighborhood has been overrun by vicious, bloodthirsty lawn gnomes. They seem to be properly afraid of my two cats, so they have not managed to breach my house yet, but silent, open doors yawn onto deserted backyards everywhere I look. I am really kicking myself for listening to my wife and not getting that Rottweiler pup last spring.
Thus far most of the injuries I have witnessed are minor: bulb-spade scratches, nips with anvil pruners, etc. but its only a matter of time before they figure out the push-button riding mower my neighbor keeps in his shed. Lord help us if they start the chain-saw.
To my horror, I witnessed the elderly lady behind me tumbled down her deck stairs in a vicious ambush yesterday, and I fear it is only a matter of time before these pint-sized hooligans finish us all off one by one.
So far my family is safe, if under seige. I don't know about the neighbors though. It's been awful quiet. One of the first things they did was gnaw through the telephone and cable wires. If I didn't have a wireless internet connection I would be totally cut off from the outside world. These gnomes are crafty, and this attack was obviously years in the planning.
I have been combing the internet for information on these deadly dwarves, but my confusion only grows as all I can find are their cherubic faces staring at me from the online catalogs of decor outlets. I need information on how to fight them, not bulk pricing to purchase them!
I am at my wits end and contemplating making a play for the buried gun vault in the backyard. This is almost certainly a suicide mission, -I know the cats won't watch my back.
This is my desperate plea for help...can anybody here give me advice?