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3/20/2017 5:03:23 PM
Posted: 10/2/2001 3:24:04 PM EDT
Next time Female Emotional Blackmail Day rolls around, I'm up and ready! (sorry not gun related but funny nontheless) Ways to Say, "I Love You." The empty sex thus far has been good enough to justify attempting to forge an emotional bond. Your lousy personality isn't quite so lousy after a few drinks I care for you so much, I'm unable to even conceive of our inevitable divorce. I've grown sufficiently fond of you to stop sleeping with your best friend. You are to me what an eye patch and parrot are to a pirate. You're all that stands between me and an long, lonely life of masturbation. You make me want to crap little chocolate hearts. I am the pork, you are the beans. "You are my personal emotional parachute." "If you were a margarita, I'd drink you till I puked." "I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you." "If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I'd lean against the far wall, stare creepily at you all night, then hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch." "I don't love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely." "I'll still want to ravage you even when you're old, fat, and ugly." "Normally, when people ask if they can borrow my 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee, I totally tell them to fuck off. But I guess you could maybe borrow it if there was like an emergency or something." "If you needed a kidney transplant, I'd donate - and I'd throw in a bonus lung." "The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into close proximity." "You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus." "While you're in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck." "Life without fellatio from you would be a life not worth living." "If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I'd gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, and defrost you." "Our dysfunctional co-dependence fills me with all-consuming contentment." "I'm not saying we shouldn't see other people. I'm just saying I'll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat." "I am your blank check - and you are free to bounce me all night long." "I want nothing more than for us to sire offspring who will one day despise us." "You're such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let's forgive each other, get drunk, and screw." "If I was smart, I'd follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner." "I'm highly unlikely to meet anyone who comes closer to marginally adequate than you." "Not only would I die for you, I'd bitch-slap Satan a good one, too." "Look: you're the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I clean my shotgun." "I could smoke five packs of you every day - and relish each and every eventual tumor." "You're my best and only naked friend."
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