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Posted: 7/26/2001 5:57:31 AM EST
Actual Writings on Hospital Charts (my comments in parentheses) > >1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very >hot in bed last night. (I don't think you need to go to the hospital for that "problem" ) > >2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. > >3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it>disappeared. > >4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.She also appears to be >depressed. (this doc receives the DUH award) > >5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. > >6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. (These docs all think they are gods [:D] ) > >7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but >forgetful. > >8. The patient refused autopsy. > >9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. (Really?? How could you tell??) > >10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. > >11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a >40-pound weight gain in the past three days. > >12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. > >13. She is numb from her toes down. (Doc is apparently numb from the head down [:D] ) > >14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. (Volume, volume, volume people!!! lets get these patients out the door!!!!) > >15. The skin was moist and dry. (Probably can't pick which side of the road to drive on either.) > >16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches. (Best way to avoid malpractice suit - cover ALL your bases) > >17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. > >18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. (OUCH!!!!!! ) > >19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until >she >got a divorce. > >20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical >therapy. > >21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. > >22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. > >23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. (They have a test for that???? Where can I get THAT lab job???) > >24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a >stockbroker instead. (So THAT is why Lordtrader went into the market. Heck, if a bowel resection were the other choice, I'd become a broker too.) > >25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. (Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets past THIS doctor) > >26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. (DO try THIS at home [:D] ) > >27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on >the abdomen, and I agree. > >28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. (Eeeeeewwwwwwww!!!!!!!) > >29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
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