[i]TASTEFULNESS ADVISORY: Do not read this column if you are eating, or plan to
eat ever again. Thank you. [/i]
(Source Unknown)
Recently I watched as a professional engineer attempted to flush fermented
bean curd down a toilet.
This was not some fun engineer prank. This was a laboratory test conducted
at the research center of the National Association of Home Builders, which
is trying to develop a laboratory test for toilet performance that
simulates the challenges faced by toilets in the real world.
This research is necessary because Americans are unhappy with the wimpy
toilets we are now required to buy. We yearn for the glory years, when our
toilets were among the most powerful on earth -- when the standard American
household commode could, in a single flush, as proven in actual tests, suck
down a mature sheep.
(Before I get a lot of mail from angry animal-rights activists, let me
stress that these tests did NOT use an actual sheep. That would be
barbaric! They used two goats tied together.)
But then, in 1992, the U.S. Congress -- instead of passing a law that would
actually benefit ordinary Americans, such as a mandatory death penalty for
telemarketers -- decided to cripple our toilets. Specifically, Congress
passed a law limiting new toilets to 1.6 gallons of water per flush, less
than half what the old toilets used. In terms of power and studliness, our
toilets went from being the Baltimore Ravens to being Barry Manilow.
(Before I get a lot of mail from angry Barry Manilow fans, let me stress
that, as a musician and a performer, he sounds like two goats tied
together.)
The new toilets were supposed to save water. And they work OK when it comes
to disposing of what is euphemistically referred to as ``Number One.'' The
problem is that, when they must dispose of what is euphemistically referred
to as ``Geraldo,'' they tend to clog, and they often must be flushed
repeatedly, which actually wastes water.
(Before I get a lot of mail from angry Geraldo fans, let me stress that
there ARE no Geraldo fans.)
So anyway, the plumbing and homebuilding industries have gotten many
complaints about the new toilets. That's why the National Association of
Home Builders has been trying to come up with a real-world toilet test, so
we'll know which, if any, toilets actually work, so consumers can buy these
and get rid of the bad toilets, which will then be dropped from bombers
onto the U.S. Capitol.
OK, that last part is a fantasy (for now).
But the NAHB really is doing serious toilet research, as I learned when I
was given a tour of its Maryland research facility by Larry Zarker, Chuck
Arnold and Tom Kenney. They showed me a laboratory where test toilets are
mounted on a frame; the procedure is, you put your test material into the
bowl, flush, then see how much material makes it through to a wire
collection basket underneath. (Kids: This would be a GREAT science-fair
project!)