SHOW THIS TO YOUR LADYFRIEND...
I thought you might enjoy learning about this newly released information. It certainly answers a lot of questions I've had
over the years.
The fire at Los Alamos has one significant consequence. A secret scientific
document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly
destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend.
Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show
that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury,
radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive
element also exists.
Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest
element known to science. This startling "new" discovery -- kept top secret
for 50 years -- has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv). The new
element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It
does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons,
and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, as
it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less
than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three
years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader
neutrons exchange places.
In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time,
since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become
neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads
some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as the 'Critical More-ass'.
It's a good thing we DON'T get
all the government we pay for!