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Posted: 5/8/2001 7:01:28 AM EST
Last night on my way home from shopping I was mugged by several lawn Gnomes with gardening equipment. They ambushed me and ran off with all the food I had bought. I would have ran after them, but after they tripped me one of the little buggers hit me in the head with a hoe and it hurt like a bitch! What weapon would you guys recommend I use to protect myself from these three-foot-tall terrors? --- Killjoy
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:03:33 AM EST
A vulcan 20mm in a Bladetech holster, with belts of ammo hanging from your hat with custom hooks
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:06:30 AM EST
[Last Edit: 5/8/2001 7:06:06 AM EST by garry]
a trip to AA ha ha sorry couldn't resist..
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:07:30 AM EST
Your weapons are useless against them. You're only hope is to master Mall Ninjitsu and get those wall climbing ninja shoes. Good luck my friend...
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:07:32 AM EST
nah u need one of those 40mm auto cannons
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:07:52 AM EST
Actually I am a Diabetic so I don't drink, but thanks for the heart-felt advice. --- Killjoy
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:11:02 AM EST
ALL YOUR GNOMES ARE BELONG TO US.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:12:08 AM EST
Originally Posted By Killjoy: Actually I am a Diabetic so I don't drink, but thanks for the heart-felt advice. --- Killjoy
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Oh, I see, this really happened. I thought it was a joke. Set up some lawn jockeys, the black ones, and place them in a classic L shaped ambush
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:13:10 AM EST
Most of them lawn gnomes are wooden, ain't they??? Carry around a pocket full of termites. [:D]
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:13:56 AM EST
Originally Posted By Gun Toter: ALL YOUR GNOMES ARE BELONG TO US.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:14:15 AM EST
"Set up some lawn jockeys, the black ones, and place them in a classic L shaped ambush " ROTFLMAO!!!
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:24:54 AM EST
You are in danger.Dont listen to these fools.Only us who garden know what your up agianst.The only way is to biuld a reflecting pool.When the come to gaze they become infatuated and you sneek up behind them and drown them.Do not let your reflection appear in the pool.I did this on the first one and I was almost killed.I still have nightmares about that one.I can still see his face .He looked like tatoo off of Fantasy Island. PS. I will email you the secret chant to say while you build the pool.Or you can get it on the back of a box of miricale gro.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:27:20 AM EST
my e-mail address is killjoy@biteme.com . (Yes, that is my REAL e-mail address.) Thank you for your help!
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:46:17 AM EST
btt
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 9:27:12 AM EST
Your real problem, Killjoy, is that once those nasty little bastards get a taste of your food they will keep on coming back time and time again. I too had a problem with lawn gnomes, or 'turf terrors' as they are known here, and only after 8 months of ongoing muggings did I find a solution that works, -quite by accident I might add. Here's what you do: Shop as you normally do, only make certain to buy extra of the foods they like. Lawn gnomes are particularly fond of Shedd's Spread margarine, Sizzle-lean bacon substitute and Otter Pops. This is the bait that will ensure they attack you. Shedd's Spread is the key, make sure you buy one 5 lb crock for every 6 gnomes in the pack that is abusing you. Don't be afraid to buy extra. Walk home as normal, its even ok to look frightened as you normally do. These evil munchkins PREFER their victims to be expecting attack. Fulfilling this expectation heightens your chance of triggering another attack. This time however you are going to be ready for them. When they break cover and charge at you drop everything and back away saying something like "Y-y-you guys go ahead and take it...Just d-d-don't h-hit me with that hoe again!" Let them think you are scared and easy pickings. Confident in their victory they will pay little more attention to you. All you need do now is wait. Driven mad by the artificial scent infused in the corn oil matrix of the Shedd's Spread they will change their typical tactics and begin to gorge on margarine on the spot. As they eat their fill they will begin to play in it too, throwing it, smearing it on each other's perky little @sses, etc. Bide your time and do your best not to be psychologically damaged by the Bachannalian revelry that ensues. After a time the fats will get the best of them and they will begin to stagger and fall. Their little digestive and circulatory systems just cant keep up with the onslaught of partially hydrogenated oils that they will cram into their bodies. One by one they will drop into a deep margarine coma. At thise point you can do what you like with them. They will be out for hours at least, that is how long it took me to get the entire pack into my ravaged grocery bags, transport them home and fire up my barbeque. Should you decide to recoup some of your lost food bills by grilling them as I did, let me assure you that no basting is necessary. :)
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 9:51:16 AM EST
[Last Edit: 5/8/2001 9:51:40 AM EST by ARMALITE-FAN]
Killjoy watch out.JackAss has one post.I think he is a troll or worse a Gnome. Besides I like to hunt them over poisoning them,more sporting.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 10:02:11 AM EST
smearing it on each other's perky little @sses, etc.
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Gay lawn Gnomes?
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 10:21:50 AM EST
killjoy, Are you talking about the psuedopod lawn gnomes of the minaturous ignoramius species or are we talking about the more vicious but slightly more dangerous minaturous headhuntorus species, which will play soccer with you balls, and rape lawn flamingos. If so the only way to get rid of them is to wear green argil socks and a bowling shirt with Earl stiched on it, while chanting the lyrics to "Freebird" and smacking them with a live hamster. (I don't condone violence to hamsters, but this is the only way.) If that doesn't work give the neighbor kids some golf clubs [X], better one of them gets attacked than you. Good luck and stay safe, Ice
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 11:08:35 AM EST
Originally Posted By theJackAss: Your real problem, Killjoy, is that once those nasty little bastards get a taste of your food they will keep on coming back time and time again. I too had a problem with lawn gnomes, or 'turf terrors' as they are known here, and only after 8 months of ongoing muggings did I find a solution that works, -quite by accident I might add. Here's what you do: Shop as you normally do, only make certain to buy extra of the foods they like. Lawn gnomes are particularly fond of Shedd's Spread margarine, Sizzle-lean bacon substitute and Otter Pops. This is the bait that will ensure they attack you. Shedd's Spread is the key, make sure you buy one 5 lb crock for every 6 gnomes in the pack that is abusing you. Don't be afraid to buy extra. Walk home as normal, its even ok to look frightened as you normally do. These evil munchkins PREFER their victims to be expecting attack. Fulfilling this expectation heightens your chance of triggering another attack. This time however you are going to be ready for them. When they break cover and charge at you drop everything and back away saying something like "Y-y-you guys go ahead and take it...Just d-d-don't h-hit me with that hoe again!" Let them think you are scared and easy pickings. Confident in their victory they will pay little more attention to you. All you need do now is wait. Driven mad by the artificial scent infused in the corn oil matrix of the Shedd's Spread they will change their typical tactics and begin to gorge on margarine on the spot. As they eat their fill they will begin to play in it too, throwing it, smearing it on each other's perky little @sses, etc. Bide your time and do your best not to be psychologically damaged by the Bachannalian revelry that ensues. After a time the fats will get the best of them and they will begin to stagger and fall. Their little digestive and circulatory systems just cant keep up with the onslaught of partially hydrogenated oils that they will cram into their bodies. One by one they will drop into a deep margarine coma. At thise point you can do what you like with them. They will be out for hours at least, that is how long it took me to get the entire pack into my ravaged grocery bags, transport them home and fire up my barbeque. Should you decide to recoup some of your lost food bills by grilling them as I did, let me assure you that no basting is necessary. :)
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Troll or not, we should try this againt Rosie!! Nuckles.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 12:41:39 PM EST
[Last Edit: 5/8/2001 12:40:38 PM EST by theJackAss]
Originally Posted By ARMALITE FAN: Killjoy watch out.JackAss has one post.I think he is a troll or worse a Gnome.
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I fight the the Gnomes wherever I find evidence of their attacks. If you find yourself beset by a pack of these vicious half-pint hooligans you will thank a JackAss like me for putting in my two cents.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:08:32 PM EST
I think a squad of pink flamingos should take care of 'em.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:17:41 PM EST
You need a Garden Weasel. Where is he when ya need him, anyway?
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:23:37 PM EST
A Big Bertha driver should be fairly effective... [:D] [sniper] [b]The Sniper
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:42:51 PM EST
Gnomes you say. Why they are the distant relatives of the Tollocs. You must go to the Black Tower and learn magic. Learn to tap into Saidin and weave the four elements. That's the only way you'll beat em. That and stop drinking and taking acid. [:D]
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:52:49 PM EST
OMG, you guys are more wacked than I initally suspected. I need to go have a few beers with some of you LMAO Aviator
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:54:32 PM EST
Marshmallows soaked in DDT, followed by a Flamethrower should do it.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 5:20:47 PM EST
I like to slither up on the roof at night and jack-light them with muh M82A1 and APIT. I figger it's either them or me.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 5:25:16 PM EST
dangerousdan the pink flamingos is a good idea but if you read the original post were talkin 3 footer here.You dont want to know what they do to flamingos when they get this big
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 5:28:34 PM EST
Originally Posted By lordtrader: Gnomes you say. Why they are the distant relatives of the Tollocs. You must go to the Black Tower and learn magic. Learn to tap into Saidin and weave the four elements. That's the only way you'll beat em. That and stop drinking and taking acid. [:D]
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I was just gunna ask what acid was going for these days.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 5:30:45 PM EST
You might want to try ambushing them with claymores disguised as mirrored lawn balls. Try a lawn burro for bait.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 5:32:59 PM EST
Originally Posted By Attman: I was just gunna ask what acid was going for these days.
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Dunno, but back in the day, they were $2 a hit for black gels [:D] Ahhh youth.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 6:10:18 PM EST
Originally Posted By lordtrader:
Originally Posted By Attman: I was just gunna ask what acid was going for these days.
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Dunno, but back in the day, they were $2 a hit for black gels [:D] Ahhh youth.
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It`s up to 5 bucks a hit. Ken Keasy`s son has taken the reigns.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 7:36:18 PM EST
Lawn Gnomes with gardening tools????? Hmmmmm, sounds like GardenWeasel has a secret army.[:D]
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 10:32:57 PM EST
Originally Posted By Attman: I was just gunna ask what acid was going for these days.
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I think they give discounts on acid if you mention you frequently post on www.AR15.com I should also start bitching about the pink Christina Agulara monsters I have been seeing ever since I started taking Riddlin, but that's a cry for help best left for another post.
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 1:38:09 AM EST
I only know of 2 sure fire ways to get rid of em [pyro]flamethrower(I love the smell of napalm in the morning) or the extra deadly assault cop killing armor piercing hollow point exploding tip heat seeking nuclear preban high cap infared bunker buster super LAWN DARTS[rocket] those little bastards don't stand a chance against the darts, the look of utter horror in thier eyes when you break one out. That schrill little scream as they try to scurry away, but them little legs are just to short, then they beg for thier pitafull little lives, but its to late , the DART has already been released. A strange calmness comes over them as they realize thier time is up, then the dart comes down with all its hell fury on the bearded little bastard, so long MF'er. Yep that will usally do it.
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 6:14:00 AM EST
Originally Posted By lordtrader: Gnomes you say. Why they are the distant relatives of the Tollocs. You must go to the Black Tower and learn magic. Learn to tap into Saidin and weave the four elements. That's the only way you'll beat em. That and stop drinking and taking acid. [:D]
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Err...That would be 'Trollocs', the 'White Tower', and the FIVE elements. Perhaps you should stop taking acid my friend, it is messing with your esoteric fantasy literature knowledge. [smash]
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 2:44:41 PM EST
[Last Edit: 5/9/2001 2:45:01 PM EST by cyrax777]
just use a chainsaw [chainsawkill] as u run for away with the gnome [flag] then go home and have a good time with the girl friend [sex]
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 2:59:56 PM EST
Riding lawnmower. That's the only defence against a knome. If you are able to catch one, bury it up to it's neck and run it over with the riding lawn mower. Heck, the riding lawn mower is also good for warding off barbie doll attacks. I do it all the time!
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 3:31:30 PM EST
Just shoot the bastards!!! Especially the one with the wheel barrel!!!
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 3:37:20 PM EST
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 6:54:09 PM EST
Thank your lucky stars its only lawn gnomes! It could be the dread Underwear Gnomes!!!!
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 7:03:02 PM EST
Think I'll let my pair of rottweillers play shake, rattle and pull them apart. then they can chew on them for a while.
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 7:10:40 PM EST
Originally Posted by theJackAss: Err...That would be 'Trollocs', the 'White Tower', and the FIVE elements For the love of God man are you Crazy? They get your ass in the White Tower & the Red Aes Sedai will Gentle you for sure!
Link Posted: 5/9/2001 7:56:05 PM EST
im not to keen on how to destroy lawn gnomes, but i know one thing you should never do...CONFUSE THEM WITH MATH PROBLEMS!!! this drives them completly berserk. my friend dave did this and they ripped the shit out of him with rusted hoe's. after this initial assault (which i survived because i was camoflauged) i consulted the book of armaments on the proper use of holy hand grenades. ever since i packed one of these babies i have'nt seen one of the little buggers yet. it's like they 'know' or somethin' camoflauged lib
Link Posted: 5/10/2001 5:41:09 AM EST
Originally Posted By Gwalchmai: For the love of God man are you Crazy? They get your ass in the White Tower & the Red Aes Sedai will Gentle you for sure!
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I am not saying I want to go to the White Tower. No sirree bob! However, to go to the Black Tower you would have to find a Waygate that leads to Stephen King's Gunslinger Universe. Race the Machin Shin my friend!
Link Posted: 5/10/2001 12:44:53 PM EST
Anybody watch Special Unit 2 on UPN? (Awesome and hilarious as hell, btw!!) Remember the episode with O'Malley in the Lawn Garden smashing the Gnomes with a golf club looking for the real one??? Getting any ideas???!!!
Link Posted: 5/10/2001 12:53:36 PM EST
Originally Posted By theJackAss: Err...That would be 'Trollocs', the 'White Tower', and the FIVE elements. Perhaps you should stop taking acid my friend, it is messing with your esoteric fantasy literature knowledge. [smash]
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Yes I do mean Trollocs(typo) And yes I do mean 4 elements remember water is not strong among men Asha-mans(sp?) Earth and Fire are the strongest weaves. And definitely not the White Tower unless of course Egwene gets the Amyrlin Seat there. Better off in the Black Tower and hangout with Rand [;)] Who's probably still fighting one of the Forsaken somewhere.
Link Posted: 5/10/2001 12:54:43 PM EST
Gazing Balls Are the Key. Set them up in a perimeter. Take out your laser pointer and bounce it off all the balls.
Link Posted: 5/10/2001 1:04:33 PM EST
I recommend a scorched Earth policy - No lawn = no gnomes. Rip out all of that useless grass and replace it with a cactus garden. If you insist on green try Astroturf, or lay down a gravel bed and paint it green. Besides no gnomes you'll have these added benefits: - No watering, feeding, or mowing. Your water bill will go way down. - No problem with gophers, lawn moths, chiggers, etc. - No surly giant chess pieces playing croquet with flamingoes and cute little English girls. - No danger from incoming lawn darts. Give it a try! Here in the PRK we are currently experience power outages. More often we have water shortages. The city of San Francisco used to have billboards that read "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down!" If you get rid of your lawn now you'll be ready for the coming privation.
Link Posted: 5/10/2001 1:05:21 PM EST
Grass colored cammo and high powered ammo!! Nuckles.
Link Posted: 5/10/2001 1:15:25 PM EST
I KNEW THEY EXISTED! holy shit, ya'll ever drink so much you don't remember what happened? Thats cause of the knomes, they come to parties and shit, where everyone is so wasted that they don't freak out at the sight of them, and they give you more beer, like when you say "i've had enough beer for tonight" sure enough those little bastards come with their little wagon and give you another beer. Knomes are evil and must be killed. Good luck with your effort to kill them. they are parasites and should be slaughtered
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