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Posted: 5/7/2001 6:33:09 PM EDT
Subject: how to bathe a cat 1. Thoroughly clean toilet. 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo. 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom. 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both and stand on top so cat cannot escape. 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this) 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids. 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Sincerely, The Dog
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 6:36:08 PM EDT
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 6:36:40 PM EDT
get some pics of this!!! I have to go to the bathroom now. lol
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 6:41:31 PM EDT
Hrmmm not sure about the suds, but you are damn skippy the cat will be "agitated". LOL Aviator
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 6:41:47 PM EDT
Careful there, steyrDOG, there's a contingency on this board that will tolerate no anti-feline sentiment whatsoever. A 'So many cats, so few recipes'-attitude will get you tagged, subito! Eric The(Dog kinda guy)Hun
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 7:06:15 PM EDT
Thanks alot hes Blue now. [:D] [sniper]
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 7:36:48 PM EDT
I cannot be responsible for those who follow the advice of my dog.
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 7:47:28 PM EDT
We shaved the pussy(cat) yesterday. Furry fleabag is a damned longhair hymlaian and now that it's already hitting 100 degrees here we're giving kitty a nice crewcut, leave the head/legs/tail but everything else gets chopped nearly skin tight. Animal looks funny as sin now! Ofcourse the other cats came over to watch so they could achieve some amusement at the expensive of "tubby the wondercat", not wanting to let the other two cats go without having some fun of their own we swooped up the remaining felines and gave them a creative tail chop. One cat now has a very nice "poof ball" at the end of their tail and they look like some sort of wierd Dr. Zuess creation. The other cat has it's tail trimmed as well but the results didn't turn out so well, looks more like a rat tail now than anything else even though it does have a furry puff at the tip.
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 8:01:01 PM EDT
Uglygun, How does the hymlaian look in a g-string bikini. That is why you shave a p****, not? At least us less knowledgeable SD people only thought that there was only one reason.
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 8:28:54 PM EDT
I'll give it a try
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 8:35:53 PM EDT
Link Posted: 5/7/2001 10:15:47 PM EDT
So maybe it's a good thing I didn't become a vet. [url]http://www.catenema.com/cat1.html[/url] [red][size=4]P.R.K.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 3:18:55 AM EDT
A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Debcall out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I'm scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machineaphobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" AKA "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought tocontrol orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known......
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 3:53:11 AM EDT
Steyr and Ron's Toys: Thanks for getting my day off to a great start with the kind of entertainment one usually has to pay for! ROTFLMAO; gawd, those are funny! [}:)]
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:02:00 AM EDT
MEMO: How To Give A Cat A Pill 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. MEMO: How To Give A Dog A Pill... 1) Wrap it in bacon.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:29:09 AM EDT
Great work Ron, I loved it! It's refreshing to hear a cat story without the work "gun", in it.
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 4:41:00 AM EDT
And Adam said..... Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "Notta problem! I will create a companion for you that will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "Notta problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "Notta problem! I will create for him a companion who will see him as he is, and will remind him of his limitations." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased... And Dog was happy and wagged his tail... And Adam was greatly improved... And Cat did not care one way or the other. May you remember your cat as the unique creature and companion it was,
Link Posted: 5/8/2001 11:16:50 AM EDT
For the day crew.
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