After nearly 30 years of looking, my friend has found the son he gave up for adoption. - Page 1

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - After nearly 30 years of looking, my friend has found the son he gave up for adoption. (Page 1 of 2)

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:04:43 PM EDT

My friend Larry, late 60s, and his first wife made a baby out of wedlock about 44 years ago before they married. They were quite young and gave up the boy for adoption. They later married and had a daughter. Some years later they divorced. She died after remarrying. He remarried. He always wondered about his son. He spent the better part of 30 years trying to find him but the paper trail just wasn't there.

It remained a dream.

Two weeks ago he received a phone call. A man asked him if he was so-and-so. Larry said, "well maybe." Then the man asked if he knew the woman who he found out was his mother. Larry told him he did and that she was his ex and that she had died.

"What's this all about?"

"Well, I think I am your son."

Larry is a retired Fed Agent from NY. To look at him he wears cowboy boots, shirts, jeans, belts, etc. He has been in Texas decades and embraced the C&W culture. But he still sounds like a Yankee. Neat guy....a real gun nut. Collects Kimbers.

He said that he was so stunned he dropped the phone....picked it up and started asking and answering questions.

Long story not so long, it is indeed his long-lost son.

Son lives in NY, married, two girls, and I forget what he does for a living but it is honest work.

They are going to meet face-to-face early next month in NY. They have had many phone calls and exchanged pictures.

I could not be happier for the man. His wife is thrilled to death, too.

In a world bereft of happy stories, this is one.

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:13:19 PM EDT

[#1]

Man, thats great, I sure hope the meet works out well. What a dream come true..... I cannot imagine not knowing my lil ones.....

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:13:24 PM EDT

[#2]

Good for him...I hope they can establish a healthy relationship.

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:16:27 PM EDT

[#3]

I'd feel terrible giving up a child for adoption

Glad it worked out.

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:19:12 PM EDT

[#4]

Wow.

Hope things work out.

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:24:19 PM EDT

[#5]

My daughter looked me up when she was 23. It's been great knowing her and filling in missing bits of her life she couldn't figure out.

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:27:41 PM EDT

[#6]

I am adopted.

My parents will always be the people that raised me better than their own.

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:32:33 PM EDT

[#7]

Quote History

Quoted:
I'd feel terrible giving up a child for adoption

Glad it worked out.

View Quote

Meh, I'm adopted and have had quite a few adopted friends. I couldn't have asked for better or more loving parents.

One of my HS friends gave up a child for adoption. She was devastated about it for a long time.

Well a few years ago her long lost daughter found her and they reunited. She (my friend) has grandkids. It was a very happy outcome.

Posted: 8/20/2017 11:36:24 PM EDT

[#8]

I have mixed feelings on this.

Just remember... bringing a child in the world does not make you a Dad. It is all the stuff between birth and making a man out of him that does that.

ETA:

Changing diapers, working through illness, loose teeth, bad dreams, private schools, homework, baseball games, teaching hunting, learning about girls, deer hunting, college tuition, heartbreak, disappointment, sportsmanship, driving lessons, vacations, work ethic, unconditional love, being there every single day-- even when you are tired, sick, have commitments.

That's being a Dad.

I am glad that both will get some degree of closure, or whatever, out of it. However, there's a lot more to it than sharing DNA. I hope both the biological father and the biological son understand that.

Posted: 8/21/2017 2:31:38 AM EDT

[#9]

My wife and I have considered adopting, but don't want to deal with possible biological family issues later.

Posted: 8/21/2017 2:34:13 AM EDT

[#10]

That's pretty much how we found out about my aunt. She looked for 20 years trying to find her siblings. About 20 years ago, she called my dad out of the blue and had the same convo except "I'm your sister/you're my brother." My dad, coming from an extremely strict Roman Catholic upbringing/parents, thought it was some kind of prank and hung up the phone. A few days later, she called back and explained the situation, and bam, I have a new aunt.

Posted: 8/21/2017 2:38:38 AM EDT

[#11]

You give up a child for adoption, you have no right to pursue them later in life

Posted: 8/21/2017 2:40:11 AM EDT

[#12]

My relationship with my biological daughter has been strained for 20 years now and finally she asked me to be a friend on Facebook, which I gladly accepted and I am glad I did, I have seen her once in the last 20 years and that was when I was able to meet her husband the day after my father passed away. But she has still never been able to get over her mad about her mother and I getting divorced over 30 years ago and I doubt she ever will, my kids are the children I raised that were my current wife's, her and I just celebrated our 30th anniversary and her kids are mine.

I hope your friend does well with this new found relationship with his child, but it is not going to be easy, it is a tough road to hoe when it comes to kids..

Good luck..

Posted: 8/21/2017 3:02:02 AM EDT

[#13]

My MIL did the ancestry dna and was not looking for any familily members. She has a half sister that contacted her and their mother wants no contact with them. They also have a half sister that she kept. Only relation is the mother.

Posted: 8/21/2017 3:11:34 AM EDT

[#14]

I was around 20, virgin, thanks catholic guilt, never put it in my then girlfriend (we did end up sleeping with one another, this was prior to that though). She, also virgin, thanks again catholic guilt, got pregnant. She miscarried. 18 years later we were chatting and realized through all the bullshit, the baby never got named. Her friend Sandy was there when she went to the hospital. I grew up about a mile from sandy beach on Oahu. We named her Sandy that night. I cried. Married someone who can't have children, last of 3 boys, oldest brother can't have kids, middle brother doesn't want em, and the name dies with me.

Hope everything works out for them op.

Posted: 8/21/2017 7:24:45 AM EDT

[#15]

Gave him up because they were young and conclude that they were ill-equipped to raise him.

He was never told he was adopted until after his mother died when he was well into his adult years.

His step-father had no problem with the son searching. He was the one who gave him the name of his bio-dad. Step dad always believed that the boy's mom had told him that he was adopted.

My friend had the normal desire to want to know how his son was doing. Given that he never found him, he did not have to make the decision to reveal himself.

My friend gave up the child with the best of intentions. He is not the villian. In fact no one is.

Posted: 8/21/2017 7:36:46 AM EDT

[#16]

Quote History

Quoted:
Gave him up because they were young and conclude that they were ill-equipped to raise him.

He was never told he was adopted until after his mother died when he was well into his adult years.

His step-father had no problem with the son searching. He was the one who gave him the name of his bio-dad. Step dad always believed that the boy's mom had told him that he was adopted.

My friend had the normal desire to want to know how his son was doing. Given that he never found him, he did not have to make the decision to reveal himself.

My friend gave up the child with the best of intentions. He is not the villian. In fact no one is.

View Quote

Of course there is no "villain." Yet. And maybe there never will be.

What I posted was from the mind of the one that has been there. I'm an adopted dad, and I have given you what goes on in that mind.

There is NO way that I'd ever stop my son from contact from the biological parents. But you don't think those things would go through my mind? I'll probably have to deal with it one day (at least in terms of the biological mother.) Sure, we'd give our son our blessings, but it would hurt in ways that I can't verbalize if he developed notions that the biological parents had any standing. And it would be bad if they thought that they did.

I am friends with my son's biological mother. I understand the tough decision she made-- but she also understands that WE are my son's parents in all that matters.

Posted: 8/21/2017 7:53:39 AM EDT

[#17]

Quote History

Quoted:
My MIL did the ancestry dna and was not looking for any familily members. She has a half sister that contacted her and their mother wants no contact with them. They also have a half sister that she kept. Only relation is the mother.

View Quote

My wife's coworker did that test and found a sister or cousin (can't remember which). He comes from a big family, the adopted child went to a family that raised her well but had 0 siblings or cousins. She'd always wanted a big extended family and then, bam, suddenly she did. They were all happy to have her.

Posted: 8/21/2017 7:54:55 AM EDT

[#18]

Quote History

Quoted:

My parents will always be the people that raised me better than their own.

View Quote

My wife is adopted also. She has access to the paperwork of who her mother is but has never wanted it. Her adopted parents are her parents. She is 43.

Glad things worked out for both of them.

Posted: 8/21/2017 7:55:37 AM EDT

[#19]

Wow, that's going to make for a poignant face-to-face. Happiness, sadness, and a look back at regret coupled with an apology; worth doing though. I hope the two of them can find an ok place with each other. From what you've described, it seems like they're open to mending things as well as things can be mended. Wish them the best.

Posted: 8/21/2017 7:56:39 AM EDT

[#20]

Great story. Too bad he likes Kimbers.

Posted: 8/21/2017 8:01:30 AM EDT

[#21]

when i was eleven my mom dropped a bomb on my brothers and me. when my parents were in h.s. mom got knocked up and her old fashioned italian parents put her in a home for unwed mothers. she got to hold my brother for a few minutes before they took him for adoption. he tracked us down many years later. it was weird for me at first but hes a good guy and we are in contact quite a bit. hes 100% our brother. gun guy, republican

Posted: 8/21/2017 8:02:38 AM EDT

[#22]

Quote History

Quoted:
You give up a child for adoption, you have no right to pursue them later in life

View Quote

I don't necessarily agree with this.

Nobody wants to give their kid up. Sometimes adoption really is about doing what is absolutely best for the child. Having a child out of wedlock in High School, or other similar poor choices may cause hardship for mom, dad, and baby.

Beats the hell out of abortion too.

ETA: Informal Adoption used to be a much bigger thing too. I know of at least two older women (70s-80s) who gave 4-5 of their children that they could not care for away to other families who could not conceive, etc etc etc. This was obviously a much bigger thing before effective birth control.

Posted: 8/21/2017 8:11:26 AM EDT

[#23]

I am adopted and once in a while thought it would be cool if a biological family member popped up one day. I have a couple acquaintances that found their biological family but they were white trash crazy mooching losers in both cases and realized a person better be careful what they wish for. My Mom and Dad aren't biological but are the my only family as they raised me.

I hope it works out for your friend and the son is a good person.

Posted: 8/21/2017 8:17:24 AM EDT

[#24]

Quote History

Quoted:
My wife and I have considered adopting, but don't want to deal with possible biological family issues later.

View Quote

There is a way around that, you can choose a closed adoption.

You can't control when they grow up and are curious. They aren't all of the sudden going to start calling the bio parents theirs. We've known many adopt d kids over the years and have 4 in our family. All view their adopted parents as their "#1 parents" they have no attachment, to their biological parents and it shows.

ETA: if anyone here is adopted I suggest you be a VERY grounded and mature person if you seek your biological family. It may not turn into a Disney story. Be sure you know the love your adopted (real) family has for you before facing the unknown.

Posted: 8/21/2017 8:19:00 AM EDT

[#25]

I am very happy that there is no way for my birth parents to find me. The paper trail is controlled by me, and it's not getting opened up for anything. I only have one set of parents, the ones who raised me.

Posted: 8/21/2017 8:29:20 AM EDT

[#26]

Quote History

Quoted:
My wife is adopted also. She has access to the paperwork of who her mother is but has never wanted it. Her adopted parents are her parents. She is 43.

Glad things worked out for both of them.

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Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:

My parents will always be the people that raised me better than their own.

My wife is adopted also. She has access to the paperwork of who her mother is but has never wanted it. Her adopted parents are her parents. She is 43.

Glad things worked out for both of them.

I'd probably look it up for health purposes. Seems like the first questions they always ask you are "family history? Have your parents had XYZ?"

I had to have a little procedure done and they didn't do something slightly risky in addition because I have no family history.

Posted: 8/21/2017 9:53:19 AM EDT

[#27]

Quote History

Quoted:
I am adopted.

My parents will always be the people that raised me better than their own.

View Quote

Same here. I met my real parents and don't want anything to do with those people.

Posted: 8/21/2017 10:06:15 AM EDT

[#28]

Quote History

Quoted:
ETA: if anyone here is adopted I suggest you be a VERY grounded and mature person if you seek your biological family. It may not turn into a Disney story.

View Quote

This.
My friend tracked down his real dad and it did not go well.

Posted: 8/21/2017 10:10:18 AM EDT

[#29]

I'm going to go against the flow here. I think if you give up a child and then feel some kind of guilt or whatever years later, you should just can it.

Parachuting into the kid's life years later - even if he or she is an adult now - is nothing more than an assault on the child's reality and is usually done only to make the parent feel better about him- or herself.

The child has made a life for himself or herself by now, so, leave them the fuck alone. You're only going to disrupt their life and create all kinds of psychological responses. You gave the kid up, so live with it.

Posted: 8/21/2017 10:19:39 AM EDT

[#30]

Glad it worked out. A family member was adopted and the biological story isn't great after searching for some answers.

The best part of the story is that I learned Alcoholism runs high in the family so I have something to warn my kids about.

Posted: 8/21/2017 10:20:43 AM EDT

[#31]

I was adopted I've never had an interest in finding my birth mother and father. Over the last couple years I have become more interested in finding them if only just for medical history but I still haven't done it.

Posted: 8/21/2017 10:37:21 AM EDT

[#32]

20 some years ago I dated this chick for a short time, nothing serious.

A few years ago a friend of a friend told me she had gotten pregnant and gave the baby boy up for adoption since she was young and just starting college. Also said it was my kid.

I'm torn if I should try to find him or not and how to find him. I have a 15 y/o son with my wife. She says I should track him down.

Posted: 8/21/2017 11:06:29 AM EDT

[#33]

Quote History

Quoted:

Meh, I'm adopted and have had quite a few adopted friends. I couldn't have asked for better or more loving parents.

One of my HS friends gave up a child for adoption. She was devastated about it for a long time.

Well a few years ago her long lost daughter found her and they reunited. She (my friend) has grandkids. It was a very happy outcome.

View Quote

Beats the hell out of abortion! You can always change things later with the adoption route.

Posted: 8/21/2017 11:23:45 AM EDT

[#34]

Quote History

Quoted:
You give up a child for adoption, you have no right to pursue them later in life

View Quote

I'm adopted and can say, it's not always that simple. I'll say you have no right to try and insert yourself into the person's life or mess with them when they are a child. Contacting them as an adult gives them the ability to make an adult decision about how they want to react. Maybe they will ignore you and you gotta be ok with that. Maybe they are curious as well and will want to know some things. For example - one thing I'd really like to know is my family medical history.

Putting a kid up for adoption cannot be an easy choice. There's a lot to be said for someone realizing it's best for the kid and not just terminating or doing a shit job raising a kid. As an adult they can make an adult decision about how to respond.

Posted: 8/21/2017 11:58:57 AM EDT

[#35]

Quote History

Quoted:
This.
My friend tracked down his real dad and it did not go well.

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
ETA: if anyone here is adopted I suggest you be a VERY grounded and mature person if you seek your biological family. It may not turn into a Disney story.

This.
My friend tracked down his real dad and it did not go well.

I think people in general just expect too much from life.

its not always a Hollywood movie

Posted: 8/21/2017 12:14:22 PM EDT

[#36]

Awesome sorry but you lost me at Kimber.

My dad hired a PI to find my sister and i.

Posted: 8/21/2017 12:56:01 PM EDT

[#37]

Quote History

Quoted:
I am adopted.

My parents will always be the people that raised me better than their own.

View Quote

I feel the same way about my adoptive parents.

I wouldn't mind knowing the my birth parents medical history though.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:07:00 PM EDT

[#38]

Dear Biological Mother/Father,

If you're looking for me, please stop. I don't have any money. I have a Mom and Dad. I have no ill will towards you, and wish you the best, and likely made the best decision you could for both of us at the time. If you do find me, then you may fuck off and die, and I will make certain you regret looking for me.

Thanks,
Me.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:12:06 PM EDT

[#39]

The only contact I want with my biological mother is a check from her estate when she kicks the proverbial bucket. The man purported to be my biological father has been dead since 1988, so that's not going to be an issue. His siblings are Facebook friends with Mrs. IHJ, but I want nothing to do with them, either.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:12:52 PM EDT

[#40]

Quoted:
My friend Larry,

Collects Kimbers.

View Quote

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this. My condolences.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:19:03 PM EDT

[#41]

Quote History

Quoted:
My wife and I have considered adopting, but don't want to deal with possible biological family issues later.

View Quote

I know, right? It should be illegal to try and find any kid you gave up for adoption. It's just a pain in the neck for everybody. LET IT GO.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:22:06 PM EDT

[#42]

Keep in mind that my friend tried and failed to locate the son he sired. He had given up hope and accepted that all the time hoping the best for the son.

It was his son who tracked him down.

Many times adoption is the kindest, most loving thing to do. I've known people who appreciate their bioparent's painful sacrifice. Not all bioparents are that way, but some are.

I lost a teenaged son to suicide years ago. For a while I hoped that some girl would contact me and tell me that she was carrying my son's child. But that was an unrealistic pipe dream. My son is gone. Nothing about his will come back except for the terrific pain of his death.

Given what we know about genetics and their massive influence on disease, wanting to know the health of your bioparents is very reasonable.

If two good people can reconnect later in life and share some joy, where is the harm in that?

But I respect those of you who disagree.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:26:30 PM EDT

[#43]

Quote History

Quoted:
You give up a child for adoption, you have no right to pursue them later in life

View Quote

People make mistakes.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:26:48 PM EDT

[#44]

I'm 40 yrs old and I have never met my biological father. I know exactly where he is, about 30 miles away, but I don't have any desire to meet him.

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:35:38 PM EDT

[#45]

I totally agree. No better thing in this world for me than being a Dad.

Quote History

Quoted:
I have mixed feelings on this.

Just remember... bringing a child in the world does not make you a Dad. It is all the stuff between birth and making a man out of him that does that.

ETA:

Changing diapers, working through illness, loose teeth, bad dreams, private schools, homework, baseball games, teaching hunting, learning about girls, deer hunting, college tuition, heartbreak, disappointment, sportsmanship, driving lessons, vacations, work ethic, unconditional love, being there every single day-- even when you are tired, sick, have commitments.

That's being a Dad.

I am glad that both will get some degree of closure, or whatever, out of it. However, there's a lot more to it than sharing DNA. I hope both the biological father and the biological son understand that.

View Quote

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:47:18 PM EDT

[#46]

Good for them

Posted: 8/21/2017 1:49:35 PM EDT

[#47]

I am glad he has had a good outcome. My adopted daughters father facebooked my daughter against our wishes. We had discussed with him and through the courts no contact until 18. He gave up rights.

Well she figured out Either way that he was a douchebag and that was that.

My SIL found his father who wanted nothing to do with either.

Posted: 8/21/2017 2:06:02 PM EDT

[#48]

I have a client in the Rockabilly HOF.
He first learned he had a son when his kid was 42 years old.
Son was the product of a groupie.

Both were overjoyed to learn of the other. Shame to have lost those 42 years, but there's no better time than the present.

Oh - the son is an exceptional musician, and plays similarly to dad.

Posted: 8/21/2017 2:25:54 PM EDT

[#49]

Think of it this way ... you're rocking along in your life, you're maybe 30 years old, or 40, or whatever, and you maybe have a wife and a child or two of your own. You've had an adoptive family for as long as you have memories, and they've raised you, educated you, made you who you are. You have family, aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and maybe a sister or brother, and a wealth of memories of growing up and generally experiencing life ... birthdays, holidays, vacation trips, school activities, friends, hobbies, jobs, successes and even a few failures that taught you things. You're adopted, yeah, but you're a complete person.

And then some dude drops into your life and says he's you real father.

What do you do now? Are you supposed to love him more than your adoptive parents? Do you now look at your adoptive family differently? Does this just split your reality down the middle, and underscore the fact that the people who raised you aren't your "real" parents? Does it leave you feeling like you're dangling in the middle of some kind of dual family world?

No. NO.

If you have given your kid up for adoption, have the decency and goodness of heart to leave them alone. Don't do that to them. Don't create an identity crisis for them just so you can assuage your own guilt or your own sense of emptiness or whatever. You did it, so man up and accept it. And leave them alone so they can live their own lives.

Posted: 8/21/2017 4:40:42 PM EDT

[#50]

Quote History

Quoted:
Think of it this way ... you're rocking along in your life, you're maybe 30 years old, or 40, or whatever, and you maybe have a wife and a child or two of your own. You've had an adoptive family for as long as you have memories, and they've raised you, educated you, made you who you are. You have family, aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and maybe a sister or brother, and a wealth of memories of growing up and generally experiencing life ... birthdays, holidays, vacation trips, school activities, friends, hobbies, jobs, successes and even a few failures that taught you things. You're adopted, yeah, but you're a complete person.

And then some dude drops into your life and says he's you real father.

What do you do now? Are you supposed to love him more than your adoptive parents? Do you now look at your adoptive family differently? Does this just split your reality down the middle, and underscore the fact that the people who raised you aren't your "real" parents? Does it leave you feeling like you're dangling in the middle of some kind of dual family world?

No. NO.

If you have given your kid up for adoption, have the decency and goodness of heart to leave them alone. Don't do that to them. Don't create an identity crisis for them just so you can assuage your own guilt or your own sense of emptiness or whatever. You did it, so man up and accept it. And leave them alone so they can live their own lives.

View Quote

Read the OP because that is not what happened. He had given up looking. No paper trail. Nothing. It was his biokid who looked for him with his surviving parent's blessing.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - After nearly 30 years of looking, my friend has found the son he gave up for adoption. (Page 1 of 2)

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