Was having a pretty good day getting lots of little stuff on the honey-do list done. figured since it was so nice out and the grass was getting a tad long I might as well mow.

Mowing was going great, was making good time, getting a little tan action, and enjoying the tunes on my new wireless head phones I had just bought a month ago. Then I went by a hitching post over by the corral and shit went sideways real fast. See, this hitching post has a hole in it from when a wood pecker used it as a home a 3-4 years ago, but the past few years some bumble bees had moved in. They never bothered any of us, weren't aggressive, so we just left them alone and they left us alone. 

Well after my first pass by the hitching post two freaking huge ass bumble bees came out of the hole. I thought, hey, they are friendly critters and probably just coming out to enjoy the sun like I am and say "hi!" On my second pass about two or three them suckers came out, but again they were just minding their own business hovering around the post and left me alone. Then on my third pass all hell broke lose. About six of them fuckers came out and two came at me and were swirling around my head.

I figured if I just vacated the area quickly they would head back to their hive. So I gunned the John Deere riding mower at took off at a blazing fast 5.5 MPH towards the house and away from the post. But even at that near ludicrous speed I couldn't outrun them (any faster and I would have gone plaid). Those two bees kept angrily swirling around my head so I did what any rational human would, I started flailing one arm wildly trying to knock them out of the sky. 

I had made it about 30 yards from the hitching post when suddenly I felt a searing pain right between my eyes like I had been shot (by an air-soft pellet, or maybe a 9mm). Damn fucking bumble bee stung me just above the bridge of my nose in the space between my eyebrows. 

As I reacted to the attack I wildly flung my arm to my face to knock the bee away, and in doing so knocked my sunglasses and headphones off my head. Then I heard the gut-wrenching noise of my new $120 headphones getting sucked into the mower and then spit out in a bajillion pieces. 

I know I connected solidly with that SOB who stung me, but his wingman was moving in on me so I jumped off the mower (it automatically shuts down once your butt leaves the seat) and ran like a little girl to the house. After checking my wound I summoned the courage to go back out. 

The bumble bees had retreated to the hitching post so I cautiously approached. As I neared I could see one sitting on top of the post - a sentry no doubt - and a two others just inside looking out (probably a sniper and his spotter). I waited patiently (I hid in my barn and looked out the door) until they retreated inside. Then I went on the offensive and unleashed hell on them.

I approached the post and, about eight feet out, unloaded what to bumble bees must have been the equivalent of the Hiroshima bomb. I sprayed wasp killer inside the hole. The bees started coming out, and they looked pissed, so I ran as fast as I could (in my flip flops) back to my house. I think I set a new record for the 100 yard dash (in flip flops).

After about ten minutes I went back and, as I neared, saw movement inside. This time I went fully postal and squirted so much wasp killer inside the hole it started foaming up and billowing out, like a high school party where someone tosses a whole jug of bubble bath in a Jacuzzi. Then I ran back to the house again like a little girl.

After celebrating victory my wife gets home and takes one look at me and says "did you get stung by a wasp or bee?" I reply "How did you know?" She say "Because your brow and forehead are swollen up like a one of those guys from the Geico caveman commercials." I ran into the bathroom and looked at the mirror - yup, I look like an ANTIFA protester after taking a hickory shampooing to the forehead. 

For the tl;dr crowd - I ran from a bumble bee like a crying little bitch; the bee stung me between the eyes; I tried to swat it but karma is a bitch and I knocked my new fucking wireless headphones from my head and they got sucked into my mower and were obliterated; I exacted revenge and went genocidal on their hive with wasp spray; now my face and brow are swollen and I looked like a neanderthal.

UPDATE - Okay, I think this is just a fucking unlucky day for me. Was chilling in the living room watching TV with the wife and our 5 mo old golden retriever puppy wanted to play so we were playing tug of war with an old towel. I was making the dog spin around chasing the towel and he must have got dizzy or something because he slams into me and snaps, thinking he is biting at the towel. Newp, not the towel. He snaps and gets me right in the crotch. Well, since I'm wearing some some sweat pants and going commando guess what part of my anatomy he gets, yup. My wiener. Yes that is right. My dog bit my pecker through my sweat pants. Now the tip end of my dick fucking hurts. I'm going to bed. Hopefully nothing there will try and kill me, though it's very possible since my wife is experiencing shark week so badly right now you would think a great white named Jaws just ripped Quint in two.

TLDR for the tldr 

Pics of face.

wait till you have ground bees fly up your shorts and about 20 of em sting your nuts

Hahaha. 10/10.

Ludicrous speed

Was walking near my chicken coop earlier and saw a small hole in the ground about the size of a mole/vole hole (about the size of a nickle). As I bent down to look closer a bunch of yellow jackets started coming out. I de-assed that area fast. Was going to spray wasp killer into the hole but since it's on the ground abut five feet from my coop I didn't want any of my chickens possibly getting sick if they ate the grass near the hole. 

Or unknowingly shit on their hole....

Damnit! I should have taken a pic. Swelling has gone down considerably and what is left probably wouldn't show up very well in a pic. Plus a pic of my ugly mug might cause Arfcom to crash, and we wouldn't want to be responsible for that, now would we?

... that's some funny shit, I don't care who you are

Or you're riding a bike and a bunch of them fly in your shirt and get trapped.

How do the buggers figure out whether to sting you or the John Deere that you're riding on, anyway?

It couldn't just be thermal vision, because the mower must have been putting out some BTUs.

Maybe the CO2 from your heavy breathing?

Or do humans emit some kind of "I'll be a good target" molecules that the stingers can zero in on?

Nearly all of my revenge with ground demons, has never involved spray.

I kill them with fire and tannerite.  It destroys my property, but the scars on my lawn, mark the bloody battles that laid there before.

10/10.

Best ARFCOM post of the week.

Great rant, I'll give it a 10, even with the obvious lack of F-bombs.

I've been swarmed by jackets twice in my life and it fucking blows. It ain't sissy to run from a swarm, it's sane.

10/10.

Funniest thing I have read all day! (Second only to CNN.com)

Yep, just turn in the man card.

Last year I was on the riding mower and a ground bee stung my left ankle.  At first I thought it was a killer mosquito until I saw it on my sock.  Went around the yard and got stung again on my neck and put the mower away until I found their nest and promptly killed them all with Sevin liquid concentrate, not to be confused with Sevin Dust (same company) or Sevendust the band (different company and useless against bees unless you play it REALLY loud)..

10/10

Thanks for the laugh at your expense OP. I needed it today!

Cliff's notes of the TL;DR

OP got stung by a bee. Swatted off sunglasses and $120 wireless headphones under moving lawn mower. OP killed bees. Wife saved 15% on auto ins by switching to Geico.

I worked with the owner of a company that drilled shot holes for seismic surveys who often spoke to his crews about surviving encounters with bumble bees, hornets, etc. at morning safety meetings.  He advised getting the drill or water buggy out of gear and running away leaving the engine running at high idle or more because the insects associated the threat to them with the noise mostly once they were disturbed.  I don't know if that's true or not but he had been in the business a long time.  The deadman  switch was probably not to your advantage and they may have actually been prompted to sting you only after you went to fast and loud.  Hard to know what to do in such times but you sure better do something.

then update....

Agree 10/10.  Well done!

Riveting tale old chap.   Send it to the $150 headphone company and maybe they'll comp you a new set.

If the dog broke skin you may want to get some antibiotics. Dog bites are nasty, it doesn't matter if the dog is clean, dirty, cute, ugly, young, old. And if your dick goes necrotic it's a slightly big deal.

Hey op, don't know if this has been mentioned, but dog bites get infected badly and quickly. You better clean your pecker b4 you hit the hay, or it may end up being a stump.

15/10

Happened to me. Almost killed me.

 

Ive been bit by dogs many a time. Never got a dog bite to the one and only before though.

So this may be a solid tip from the 17'er.

Just the tip?

Be glad it wasn't a snake that bit you.
You'd a' died.




(There's gotta be a great Arfcom meme there.)

Could have been the whole sausage and applesack as far as we know at this point.

OP probably has a bad case of the sepsis on his johnny right now.

Gaseous necrosis.

I am working outside tonight and after I read your update.........
I was laughing so hard that I could not even pick up a screw driver.
Hope things get better for you OP.

Attached File

I'm crying laughing .   The headphones crunching hahaha

This made my day haha

Note to OP:
OP, dont play pool tonight.

You can just cover the hole with a large glass bowl or similar (at night). They won't be able to get out of the bowl, but since they can get out of the hole they don't dig a new escape. I've done it and it worked just as advertised.

When I read your post, I immediately thought of this:

Attached File


Glad you're ok OP.

Your chickens don't eat yellow jackets?!?!? Around here, once the chickens spot the hive, its almost  impossible to keep 'em away from it.
One or more chickens always make a bee line right to the hole in the ground long after the wasps are gone...

Morning all. I made it through the night unscathed, though I did wake up around 4 am a little chilled since my wife apparently decided to burrito-wrap herself in the bed sheets and blanket sometime during the night leaving me totally uncovered.

I just had an opportunity to read all the new posts since going to bed last night. My dog didn't break skin when he bit ole' mr. one-eye last night, but he was looking at me funny this morning and licking his chops. I had to give him the stink eye of disapproval, but I think his lustful stare was just because I was giving him is morning medication which, coincidentally, is a pill shoved in a - you guessed it - Oscar Meyer wiener.

But thank you all for your concern, it's reassuring to know Arfcom is very concerned about the health and well-being of my penis. 

Edited to add: a ray of sunshine to start my day! Just looked on Amazon for some new wireless headphones and found the exact ones I lost yesterday, that previously were $100+, are on sale for $65 (with free on-day Prime shipping). Today is going to be a good day...today is going to be a good day...crazy, I mean like so many positive waves maybe we can't lose!

Thank you OP.

Unlike most of the first person accounts on this forum, yours was
well written and funny....In fact, it was hilarious.

10/10
Great use of paragraphs

lol. Great post.

Maybe you should stay inside during the eclipse today, OP.  Just in case.