User Panel
Posted: 8/23/2016 3:19:30 PM EDT
It seems that the more verbose and complicated a person's job title, the more pointless their job is. Things like electrician, carpenter, machinist are all straightforward, real jobs.
I just saw a listing for a watershed quality guarantee specialist. I can only imagine that this is some mouthbreather that is going to dip a pH strip in a river once a month and spend the rest of their time hash tagging on Facebook for $40 an hour (of taxpayer dollars). |
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USMC, circa 1995, I was designated our unit's Toe Hazard NCO.
That is not on my LinkedIn profile. |
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"Executive Customer Complaint and Resolution Specialist" for customer service.
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"Department of the Army, Civilian, Federal Police Officer."
That was the title |
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The guy running the copier is technically a "Reproduction Graphics Specialist"
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Any position with "human resources" or "facilitator" in the title.
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P.E.T. Plant Engineering Technician....turned out he was the Plant Manager's brother-in-law FFS!
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When I had the distinct pleasure of working at the Pentagon for a bit as a junior enlisted 11B, my fellow peons and I came up with the "Two diminutive modifier rule" which states that if your job title has more than one diminutive modifier, you are likely entirely worthless to anyone.
Assistanct Manager, Vice President, Deputy Sheriff etc. - One diminutive modifier - You're probably okay, and you may or may not be a worthwhile person, but at least your job has a function. Is your job title some shit like Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Defense Research Acquisitions? You are a black hole in which tax dollars are sunk. The best one I ever personally heard was, to the best of my recall "Senior Enlisted Advisor to the Deputy Commander for Defense Information Systems Research" His realistic job title was "Pogue ass CSM who jerked off all day." |
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How many of the jobs were created for women and betas that don't want to get sweaty or touch stuff that is ickey?
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Forgot about Apple Store "Geniuses"
Real geniuses probably don't wear name tags and work in malls |
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One of my past titles was: Environmental, Health & Safety, Risk Management, and Loss Control Manager.
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The environmental (like your example in the OP) and agricultural job titles are the best.
Like "State Manure Specialist" |
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Quoted:
Quoted:
I was a Quality Improvement/Management Officer at the VA. You revolutionized the rectal exam? At least brought down the waiting period from 18 months down to 6, and at a VA hospital/clinic 250 miles away instead of 1000. |
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My wife worked at a School district that had a "Ceiling Coordinator" working in the Admin building. He was a bad teacher so they promoted him. His job was to go around to all the schools and find ceiling tiles that needed to be replaced, order them so someone could replace them. He made more than a class room teacher did.
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Expert Infantry Badge Coordinator; Liaison.
A real TRADOC position, their job is to travel TDY to any place where there is an EIB test site and basically just... look at it. He doesn't validate anything, he doesn't give recommendations, he just looks at it. |
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Quoted:
USMC, circa 1995, I was designated our unit's Toe Hazard NCO. That is not on my LinkedIn profile. View Quote USA, circa 1995, I was designated, among other junior officer additional duties, the Battalion Seal Control Officer. Nobody knew what the hell the job was, but some dumbass 2LT had to hold the position, so it was me. I endured a lot of ribbing from the O-3s about the loose seals that were running around the Bn area causing havoc.... |
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Human Resources Employee Engagement Specialist.
Basically her job is to come up with ways to make the employees happy. I have a feeling she was the one who instituted the policy of leaving baskets of snacks laying around the building. Apparently keeping us fed with granola bars distracts us from our laughable pay. |
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I had 'Birthday Party Coordinator' on one of my business cards for a stretch, when I started out managing movie theatres.
Them parties were serious business. Chris |
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Manager of Ground Logistics and Operations.
Our lot guy had this printed on business cards and handed them out to customers who would park where they "were not supposed to". He threw a fit when he got fired. LOL |
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Quoted:
Expert Infantry Badge Coordinator; Liaison. A real TRADOC position, their job is to travel TDY to any place where there is an EIB test site and basically just... look at it. He doesn't validate anything, he doesn't give recommendations, he just looks at it. View Quote I may have met this person. I was in the 3d CR when they were beginning to transition to a Stryker BCT. |
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My first title in the Air Force: Integrated Avionics Instruments and Flight Controls Systems Specialist. DAMN did I sound important.
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All the fucking sales positions that refuse to word 'sales' and pretend to be marketing. (Angst from my wife's job search)
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Human Resources
Marketing Vice President of [anything] Supervisor |
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I had a guy from the county out to sample my pond water for me this morning. He had a photo ID badge around his neck that sad, "Sanatitian"
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Fucking anything along the lines of "Life Coach" or "Lifestyle Consultant." I hate that shit. Just making up titles to make it sound like your new-age bullshit advice is worth paying for.
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Social Media Techician.
They updated twitter and facebook and wanted a pay hike because it was technical. Might have gotten away with Facebook Engineer. |
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Chief Salesforce Account Management Officer
The job and title were created out of nepotism for the owner's son, who got an associate's degree in business. |
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"Relationship Manager" at our local Bank of America.
87% of ARFCOM needs to make an appointment. |
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