Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
BCM
User Panel

Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 3
Posted: 8/22/2016 5:37:43 AM EDT
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 5:40:11 AM EDT
[#1]
Go to bed OP, you're drunk
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 5:41:07 AM EDT
[#2]
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?





He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 6:27:45 AM EDT
[#3]
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So. Why the long face?"
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 6:36:39 AM EDT
[#4]
A white horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "we've got a whisky here named after you"

"what Eric?" Says the horse.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 6:39:37 AM EDT
[#5]
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender, shocked at hearing a talking dog, says, "Holy shit! You should work for the circus!"

"Why?" the dog asks. "Do they need electricians?"
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 6:48:57 AM EDT
[#6]
A guy walked into a bar. It hurt.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 6:51:33 AM EDT
[#7]
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a mop."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:00:57 AM EDT
[#8]
A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


 
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:07:31 AM EDT
[#9]
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Quoted:
A white horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "we've got a whisky here named after you"

"what Eric?" Says the horse.
View Quote


"You 'ave a pet 'orse named Eric?"
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:08:18 AM EDT
[#10]
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:09:54 AM EDT
[#11]
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:12:15 AM EDT
[#12]
A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".


What do you call a constipated German?  Fahrfrompoopin'

What does a constipated Mathematician do?  Work it out with a pencil.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:12:36 AM EDT
[#13]
A clown walks into a bar and orders a beer.



The bartender says "Ok, but dont try anything funny.






Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:13:19 AM EDT
[#14]
A duck walks into a bar and orders drinks for everyone.  Bartender, noting that the duck isn't carrying a wallet asks, "How you gonna pay for that?"

Ducks replies, "Just put it on my bill."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:15:33 AM EDT
[#15]
A proton and a neutron are sitting in a bar when an electron walks in.  The proton turns to the neutron and says, "Stay away from that guy.  He is so negative about everything."

The neutron replies "Are you sure about that?"

Proton replies, "I'm positive."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:17:29 AM EDT
[#16]
A proton and a neutron are sitting in a bar when an electron walks in.  The proton turns to the neutron and says, "Stay away from that guy.  He is so negative about everything."

The neutron replies "Are you sure about that?"

Proton replies, "I'm positive."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:17:34 AM EDT
[#17]
What does the carrot say when poked with a fork?















Nothing, it is a fookin carrot.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:21:28 AM EDT
[#18]
A baby seal walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him "what would you like ?"

Seal answers: "anything but a Canadian Club".





A communist, an illegal alien and a Muslim walks into a bar.

The bartender says: "what will you be havng today Mr. president?"
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:24:47 AM EDT
[#19]

Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Quoted:


A baby seal walks into a bar.



The bartender asks him "what would you like ?"



Seal answers: "anything but a Canadian Club".
A communist, an illegal alien and a Muslim walks into a bar.



The bartender says: "what will you be havng today Mr. president?"
View Quote
A baby seal walks into a club.



 
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:26:06 AM EDT
[#20]
A ham sandwich walks into a bar.





The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here.".


 
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:27:13 AM EDT
[#21]
"You will"
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:27:18 AM EDT
[#22]
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...



Don't laugh. It *COULD* happen...
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:28:06 AM EDT
[#23]
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
To a different bar.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:30:36 AM EDT
[#24]
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Quoted:
<a href="http://s213.photobucket.com/user/natebedair/media/three-nazis-bar_zps62b56d0d.jpg.html" target="_blank">http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc141/natebedair/three-nazis-bar_zps62b56d0d.jpg</a>
View Quote



Now that's some funny shit right there.
 

God bless John Browning
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:34:41 AM EDT
[#25]
A mushroom walks into a bar.





The bartender says, " We don't like your kind in here.".  







The mushroom says, "You can serve me, I'm a fungi (fun guy, get it?).".


 
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 7:58:13 AM EDT
[#26]
n/m someone beat me to it.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 8:54:00 AM EDT
[#27]
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 8:56:13 AM EDT
[#28]
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Quoted:
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."
View Quote

Link Posted: 8/22/2016 8:58:51 AM EDT
[#29]
guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:00:06 AM EDT
[#30]

       Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't



Pavlov Is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

 

Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:00:47 AM EDT
[#31]
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:04:09 AM EDT
[#32]
An arfcommer walks into a bar

While reaching for his wallet, his CZ comes loose, tumbles halfway across the bar, and ends up on the floor.

Bartender says 'OK bud, get out. See the sign? 'No bounced Czechs'
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:09:21 AM EDT
[#33]
John Kerry walks into a bar.

Bartender says "hey, pal - why the long face?"
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:11:04 AM EDT
[#34]
Two guys walk into a bar.  The third guy ducks.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:23:48 AM EDT
[#35]
A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?".
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"

The man says, "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:26:14 AM EDT
[#36]
A dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm here to kill the man who shot my paw."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:29:40 AM EDT
[#37]
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.
They ask the bartender for a beer.
The bartender replies, "OK, just don't start anything!".
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:33:46 AM EDT
[#38]
Quoted:
A time traveler walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here
View Quote


-Maybe not tonight...but last night you will.

Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:36:52 AM EDT
[#39]
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 9:38:38 AM EDT
[#40]
A piece of string walks into a bar
Bartender says "HEY, We don't serve strings in here"

String leaves and comes back some time later and the bartender says "HEY, I done told you, we don't serve strings in here!"

String leaves again, goes around the corner and twists himself up over and over.  Even messes up his ends. Looks like a complete mess. Then he walks into the bar again.

Bartender says "HEY... Aren't you that string I told to leave earlier?"

String says "Nope, frayed knot"


Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:18:44 PM EDT
[#41]
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:23:20 PM EDT
[#42]
a blind guy walks into a bar.

his friend walks around it.



Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:30:40 PM EDT
[#43]
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Quoted:
An arfcommer walks into a bar

While reaching for his wallet, his CZ comes loose, tumbles halfway across the bar, and ends up on the floor.

Bartender says 'OK bud, get out. See the sign? 'No bounced Czechs'
View Quote


I thought it was handcuffs.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:34:23 PM EDT
[#44]
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Quoted:
A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".


What do you call a constipated German?  Fahrfrompoopin'

What does a constipated Mathematician do?  Work it out with a pencil.
View Quote


I don't know if it's the word constipation, or the fact that the jokes are so corny, but I laughed!
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:35:49 PM EDT
[#45]
Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.

Bartender says, "Can I help you?"

The duck says, "Yea, can you get this guy off my ass?"
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:39:00 PM EDT
[#46]
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:42:58 PM EDT
[#47]
EQ joke:
A ranger walks into a bar. A random spawn starts camping his corpse.



Link Posted: 8/22/2016 12:49:45 PM EDT
[#48]
Two fish are in a tank.



One fish turns to the other and says, "You man the gun, and I'll drive."
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 3:52:14 PM EDT
[#49]
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer.  He gives the bartender a $20.



The bartender thinks to himself "Gorillas aren't very smart.", so he gives the gorilla 3 singles for change.




Later the bartender tries to make conversation and says "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here.".




The gorilla says "No wonder, 17 bucks for a lousy beer.".




I think of that joke every time I buy something at the airport.
Link Posted: 8/22/2016 4:48:57 PM EDT
[#50]
Discussion ForumsJump to Quoted PostQuote History
Quoted:
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender, shocked at hearing a talking dog, says, "Holy shit! You should work for the circus!"

"Why?" the dog asks. "Do they need electricians?"
View Quote




This one got me... , just busted out laughing.
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 3
Close Join Our Mail List to Stay Up To Date! Win a FREE Membership!

Sign up for the ARFCOM weekly newsletter and be entered to win a free ARFCOM membership. One new winner* is announced every week!

You will receive an email every Friday morning featuring the latest chatter from the hottest topics, breaking news surrounding legislation, as well as exclusive deals only available to ARFCOM email subscribers.


By signing up you agree to our User Agreement. *Must have a registered ARFCOM account to win.
Top Top