"hey brother, you got an extra smoke?"

"Hell no, been buying them for 20 years and ain't got an extra one yet. Every damn packs just had 20."

I was in geometry class and the teacher mentioned the hypotenuse of a triangle. I said, “I wish I was high on Potenuse.”

I had a local Tennessee State Trooper pull me over one early morning. I was speeding a little, he asked," Sir why were you speeding?" My reply was," wasnt paying attention and iam runnning kinda late.
He then asked, " Do you have any drugs or weapons in your vehicle?" I thought for less than a second and gave him the staggered double knife hands. Left hand higher than the right and about ten inches apart. He tried not to laugh, snorted a little, stood there a few seconds then said," Go."
As he walked back to his vehicle i heard him say," slow down."

engineer joke. just roll with it.

Not mine, a co-worker shows up late one day. The supervisor asks "How come you're so late?" To which the guy replied "Because your mom's a slow cook."

Working as a Correctional  Sgt back in my mid thirties. One day walking into the Security office the Captain bellows my name...get in here Sgt Bitch...a play on my last name....been dealing with it my whole life...not a biggie... I look in his office and see half a dozen ass kissers just sitting there shooting the Friday afternoon bout to get off work BS....now the Captain is a 5'6" tall and 5'6" wide fat, greasy gawga cracker...so I said What? He said you heard me...get your ass in here Sgt Bitch...lots of snickers from the ass kissers. ..hahaha...the Deputy Warden who didnt much have the time of day for the good Captain was standing nearby and said...Sarge...are you gonna take that? No sir...Dep Warden could you come over and just witness this for me...he walks over as I walk into the Captains office...Now Capt I says...why do you always mispronounce my name like that....and just for the record Ive always treated you respectfully havent I? I mean I never have called you a fat slovenly bastard have I? I never have so long as you have known me ever called you a fat greasy bastard have I?  I MEAN...I NEVER HAVE HAVE I? NO SIR...I NEVER HAVE REFERRED TO YOU AS A LIMP DICKED, AINT SEEN HIS PECKER IN 35 YEARS NO GOOD SORRY SUMBITCH HAVE I? NO SIR...I NEVER HAVE...aint that right Dep Warden...I never have...NOW WHY YOU CALLING ME SGT BITCH again?

Fat bastard nearly had a,stroke he was so mad at me...tried to write me up for insubordination but the Dep Warden had my back, said he never did call you those things did he? ..fat greasy retired a month or two later. Still mad.

Actually that is #4!!!  Nicely done

I just had sex with the wife in the shower.  She was not completely satisfied.  In an attempt to get me to come back she said she was "wet".

I promptly responded "your in the shower".  Off to my nap...

In response to a "get a life" comment.  Why don't I just take yours.  

In response to a nosey step sister in law who shouted "kiss my ass", 'I would but I don't have all day'.
She slammed her car door so hard the window shattered.

I have a coworker that's a lazy, lazy fuck-stick.  One day he asks me if I want a free penny pony (one of those mechanical horse rides you see at supermarkets and the like). I'm always willing to take something I can make a buck on, so I said, "Sure. Why is it free?" Apparently his girlfriend had picked it up with the intention of having him fix it up for her kids. But, apparently Mr Lazy never got around to it and was told to fix it or sell it. Well, of course he's too lazy to fix it and also, it turns out, too lazy too put an ad out to get the $300 his lady wanted so he decided to give it away and just tell her he sold it.

So I go pick it up during our lunch break and left it in the bed of my truck until quitting time. My boss (who LOVES to buy tacky shit) spots it and asks me about it. I told him I just got it from Lazy and I was gonna fix it up and sell it. He offers me $300 on the spot for it so we moved it from my truck to his. We go back into the office and were telling another coworker about the deal and Lazy overheard. He bursts out, "WHAT DO I GET OUT OF IT?!?"

I turned and said, "A LESSON!" Everyone started laughing at him.


This one might be a "had to be there" thing, but at an old job I worked in the warehouse and we just hired a new kid. Three of us were standing in the office when one of the route drivers (known for being an obnoxious loud mouth) walks in  the room, but as he spots the new guy he stops mid stride like he just saw an IED trip wire and says, "Who's THIS rat-faced prick?!?" It was so out of the blue that everyone about shit themselves laughing.

Representative of an outside vendor is visiting our corporate HQ.  This guy is from Northern Virginia / DC metro area.  Talks really, really fast.

One evening a group of us go to dinner at a local eating establishment.  Guy gets to talking about all the cultural differences of the different places he's been.  Makes a comment about how southern accents are so different, and how 'you guys just speak so much more slowly than we do in DC.'

Without missing a beat, I say "that's because we like to think about what we're going to say before we say it."

Many years ago in high school Spanish class.  Mrs. Ford may have been a bit over the hill, but you could tell that she was a real looker in her time and her daughter that sometimes substituted for her was jaw-dropping beautiful.

Anyway, some kid was goofing off again in class and Mrs. Ford stopped her presentation to tell him to sit still and be quiet.

Kid, "Don't f--- with me, Mrs Ford!"

Mrs. Ford (laughing), "I wouldn't even consider it!"




It took several minutes for the class to stop laughing at the kid.
He never mouthed off again.

We had an employee who was a cocksman,  he had always been able to get pussy and he was a old man and still had women coming to his house to give him blow jobs.

One day he was on a job and a customer told him he was sure glad we were doing the electrical work.  He then said ........


]I'm a real pussy when it comes to live wires.

and bob without missing a beat said I am just the opposite I'm a live wire when it comes to pussy.


Bob got the religion real hard and stopped horndogging. and eventually died of Alzheimer's.

But he was a hell of a lineman, Hi liner, dynamite man, fisherman, electrician and cocksman and all around good guy.  Rest in peace my friend.

I was in a camp in northern Kuwait near the Iraq border right before the war. There were about 2500+ men in the camp and only about 30 females. Mostly officer nurses. There were about 4 sets of 3 Porta Potties on each wall of the camp and a constant line at them. Someone had taken a Sharpie and labeled one "FEMALES ONLY". Early one morning a guy hits the "FEMALE ONLY" one and meets and angry looking officer as he is coming out.
Officer: The females are tired of sitting in piss.
Guy: Tell them to stop sitting in the urinal.
and he keeps on going.

as a side note one of the female O-3's made the remark after we had been there a couple of days that the Porta Potties were really nice, they even had a gas mask holder for when you used the restroom.

Working around plumbers and electricians on one job, and I'm honestly surprised they didn't choke on their own tongues, they were that fucking stupid. And those sorry fucks complained when they had a scissor lift to work off of.

I'd been going back and forth with this one electrician for about a week, cause he's been fighting me over where he needs to run his conduit. I'm working with 46" by 52" stainless duct, heavy shit. His conduit is 5/8" and I've let him run his stuff first most of the time, since it's smaller and less obtrusive. Bastard still manages to run it right where I need to get my duct, no matter how many times I've told him.

One day, I'm up in the ceiling, hanging a stainless stack elbow; fucker weighs about 30 pounds. Now I'm on top of a 12' ladder, cussing up a storm because I've barely got enough space to wedge this thing up there, it's 110 degrees, and I'm stuck doing it on my own. Electrician is on the ground, watching me work for a good ten, fifteen minutes.

Just after I've got the top two bolts in it and I'm finally able to wipe the sweat off my face, the electrician down on the floor starts shouting up at me, "Hey! Can you take that piece back down? There's a dead switch up above it."

I looked down at him and said, "Sure, but you're gonna need to get another electrician."

He gave me a stupid look. "Why?"

"Cause I'm about to put a dead electrician up there!"

Stupid fuck could've told me before I'd finished hanging that heavy bastard. But no, that'd make sense.

Full time firefighter here. After a busy night with little sleep, I'm heading to the McD's near my house for that greasy creation that is the steak egg and cheese bagel. I'm in the drive through line, and the girl ahead of me in an SUV is perusing the menu boards. She needed another look, so she puts it in reverse, and starts backing up, backing up, and I hit my horn just as she hit the front of my pick-up. I got out to survey any damage-none- and she ( nice looking blonde) was saying " I'm sorry" over and over again. I looked at her and said " Next time someone makes a joke about women drivers or blondes", -wagging my left finger at her- " don't you say a damn thing". She mumbled another sorry,  got in her car and drove away.

My 5yo son is walking past me when I notice he had his shirt on backwards. I tell him to stop and tell him it's on backwards. Her looks at me and then pulls his collar out and looks in and then tells me as he is walking away "yeah I put it on like this because I like looking at the fruits".

Just this past week someone on ArfCom posts a pic of a (animal) silver fox.

I had never seen one, and wanted to show the wife (who has issues with me pointing our her ever-growing grey hair).

Me: Hey babe, want to see a picture of a beautiful silver fox?

Her(assuming it's MILF porn): Is that a dirty picture?

Me: Babe, you're the only silver fox for me....

Her: NO! I'm NOT!

Me: So I can have more than one?

Was in the local jail interviewing an inmate for an investigation.  Buddy of mine was a counselor there and his office was directly across the hall from my interview room.  

After I finished we were standing there shooting the shit and a line of inmates walked by being escorted by a correctional officer. My buddy had just gotten married to an old friend of mine.   As they walked by one of the inmates said, Hey Counselor _______, You getting fat homie."  Without missing a beat, my buddy rubbed his gut and said, "you know what thats from?  Too much good beer and steak my wife makes me for dinner before she gives me a blow job after work.  But then again you wouldn't really know anything about that right now would you."  

I laughed until my stomach hurt.

Couple of years back, I'm in Wal-Mart and there's a hottie MILF I had been checking out in the aisle next to me with two bratty kids....  They sound like they're basically being a pain in the ass and she finally snaps and yells, "OK, that's IT!  Who wants a spank'in??!?"

I poked my head around the corner, raised my hand and said, "Ma'am?  I wouldn't mind..."

She looked confused for a second, but once she got it she lost her shit and was laughing so hard she looked like she was going to piss herself.

Another time, I'm at Thanksgiving dinner at the wife's family's place and I'm talking about guns..... Some aunt or some shit says, "you know... I don't believe in guns."

I look at her: . "Ma'am... I assure you.  They exist."