Lost cause, OP. The more you try to help him, the more you'll end up hurting yourself.

Save yourself.

Sadly people don't change.

My mother has wasted her whole life waiting for my brother to change. He just went to prison for the 3rd time after being shot by the police.

Too bad they didn't kill him.  I killed him in my mind 20 years ago and never looked back.

Yep.

There are places to go for people to seek help, it's called counseling. Then there are places that go more in depth with more serious issues, called rehabilitation. Then, there's places for the fallacy of society that 99% have chosen for themselves to be complete shitbags, that's called prison.

Don't let family relations overshadow your own judgement. The very worst villains in history had fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers too.

+1

That's not the slightest bit legal

Cut him loose.

you can't help him, and he will just drag you down financially and emotionally.

I  had to cut family loose myself.

perhaps he could learn about estate laws?

Perhaps you need ro read the OP in your link again.



I am somone that has wrote off a brother, you need to do the same. The sooner you realize this the better off you will be. Good luck.

Typical convict behavior. Cut him off completely, RTS his letters unopened, and enjoy your life. He fucked-up his life and you & yours don't need his issues.

If he "wants stuff" he can apply himself and get paying prison job and earn his own money for "stuff".

Bear in mind you are already paying for his upkeep through your taxes.

The convicts at VDOC get a "free letter" every week. I can't count the number of them that come back RTSed because the recipient was long tired of their shit.

OP

Long story short, I had a pretty fucked up childhood. I got a brother 9 years older than me. I've talked to him 3 times since 2004. Once was a tornado and the other 2 times were less than 2 minutes about a car problem and those were a while back. I got this yesterday. I have not responded. It's been at least 4 years since he last contacted me. Not even a "hows the family" before asking me for mechanical help.

You can't pick your family but you can choose to be in their life or not. When someone is using you, YOU are the only one who can stop it.

 
He's my brother and I am the only person that gives a shit anymore.


It's tough for me to just cut ties, but something I know that needs to be done.

There is a reason that no one else on the face of the earth gives a shit about him any more.  

Time to get with the program.  You'll feel better once you do.

A leopard can't change his spots! My buddies son is the same way. Some people are better off where they are. I know you care about your brother but maybe it's time to cut your losses.

A leopard cannot change its spots.  He's a lost cause as are most like him. Society would be done a favor if he were left in there.

I don't think it is so outrageous to think that a guy sitting in prison for theft would look around and having very little while seeing others have a lot at least CONSIDER theft.  Hopefully after getting out people who still have the desire to steal say to themselves "I still want to grab this cash and run...but jail is SO BAD I won't"

Sorry man,I really don't know what to tell you to do..There seems to be plenty of experts here on the subject.

Good luck,stay strong.

I've never found it real hard cutting someone out of my life who thinks I should put their interests before my own.


It should be real simple if that someone is locked in a cage and can only snail mail you.

Yep.

You don't give me enough.  Even though you are behind on your bills and work is slow right now......I need moar.  Fuck you, pay me....essentially.

I'd just write him back and let him in on the fact that I see right through his bullshit.

"Dear Bro,

Thanks for the guilt trip.  In response to your request, I am no longer going to send you any money nor am I going to visit.  Have a nice life."

This. I was just wondering the other day how things came out for him. Sounded at the time like he was at least somewhat motivated to change. Sorry he didn't stay that way.

OP, he's only in his mid-sixties. I'm sure he'll change for the better.

I won't have dealings with addicts and thieves, family or otherwise.

 Prison will just make these tendencies worse. Having said that writing and sending small packages wont cost much and may help him. Still your brother.

What do they do for inmates who are indigent?  It's probably against the law for them not to provide medication.  Don't they have some way for them to earn some money/credit inside?


He is scamming you.  He will always be scamming you.  You will know he is actually turning around when he STOPS bothering you about helping him and starts apologizing for his past behavior without asking for anything.

You and your family need to close ranks on this.

lol

Why would you think someone would come out of prison better than they went in?  The come out worse the majority of the time.

LOL

Its not enough that we want to change him, he has to want to change himself.

And are master manipulators.

If it were my brother, and I'm surprised it hasn't come to that, he could fuck off.
I wouldn't sent the first dime or had any communication for that matter.
You can't help him. Forget him.
Makes me think of this scene from Natural Born Killers.

Hang in there man.  Sorry that you have to go through this.

This


Jail would make a sane person a little crazy, for a person with problems it's just going to aberrate them more.  As a rehabilitation tool it has almost zero value.  I think there are probably rare examples of people coming out and "flying right", but it's a statistically insignificant number.  

Jail is a huge deterrent for motivating already "good people" to obey authority. It's a mechanism of retribution for victims of crimes, and a way to store bad people away from society.  But let's not kid ourselves, jail isn't going to "help" anyone put there.    

You would be wrong. You want to know the common theme behind just about every criminal? Lack of self accountability and inability to make good decisions. Those aren't found through rehabilitation, education, counseling....those are core fundamentals that have to be instilled at an early age. If they are missing when they are adults it is never coming back.

True giving and true forgiveness means not expecting anything in return.

what would Jesus do?

34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

You might be feeling remorse (deep in your head) for calling in the tip.

You need to put down the baggage and walk away.

The people who prey on family because they are addicted to drugs are no longer your family.





The following letter is whats needed.

Dear so in so

I feel you have not changed one bit, the world does not owe you a damned thing, I don't owe you a damned thing.

You have treated all of us as strangers, lied, stole from us, and create nothing but chaos when you are around.

This letter serves notice on you that we are no longer related, we are not friends or brothers.

Do not call me, do not write to me.

All letters will be returned to sender unopened.

See ya

     



 

You can't fix him, only he can do that.

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother"

I understand that you're upset. Please tell me that you're not surprised. The red part should make the blue part pretty obvious.
My brother used people for his whole life. For a while he had 2 people making his mortgage payments, telling both he couldn't afford it and he'd be homeless soon.

Blood is blood, but don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Personal experience.

My thoughts exactly. I would say screw it, but I have two brothers. I don't know that I could just give up on them if they did some bad shit and brought drama/hardship into my life, but that isn't to say that I shouldn't.

It may be worth keeping in mind that he is in prison and while he is there he is being influenced by the worst of society and you are probably his only life line to the sane world. That doesn't excuse him, and remember that it doesn't excuse him, but you know him better than we do.

I think my response would pretty much be that he needs to man up and accept the consequences of his shitty decisions but I would be there for him as much as I can but I have my own life to worry about too.

This is pretty much what I have mentioned to a relative (not a brother) who has made a mess of his life (not as bad as your brother) and expects everyone else to panbder to his feels and problems which he brought on himself.

OP, I've been following this thread since you first posted it last night.

You've met your commitment to your brother and then some.  It appears as though he is now playing mental games with you.

You can decide whether to cut him out of your life or not.  It's your choice, but if you do - I'd say you have gone far, far beyond what you were obligated to do as family.

my brother did multiple jail times..... he did a 5 year sentence once.. figured he might learn something.... fuck no.  

he had been out of jail on the 5 year term for maybe 3 months.... refused to work or do anything.. ( he was 25).. he said this to me.

brother..... you know what? mom does things for me, ( money and bought him shit)... and my girlfriend does things for me, ( money and bought him shit).... but you dont want to do anything for me.... whats your problem?!?!!?
me.............you lazy worthless cocksucker.... your 25 fucking years old..... noone should be doing shit for you...... you should be doing it for yourself !   if you go back to jail, it will be for one reason..... it will be because you put yourself these, by being lazy, and more interested in stealing shit, than working.

and boom.... a few months later he goes away for carjacking...... gets out after a few months on bail.... then robs two banks.....while on bail.... hes been in jail since around 2001... and will get out around 2020... he will be about 50 years old, and NEVER worked a day in his life....... i mail him $100.00 every month.... ONLY because i own him 1/2 of te insurance money from when my mother died..... she basically died , because she worried herself to death about him.

i MIGHT write a 1 page letter every 6 months.. maybe....... he writes 10 letters a week, demanding pictures, letters, money, blah, blah.... i really dont give a shit. i dont want him to know about my family. when he gets out, if i still owe him and cash, he will get a lump sun, and ill point him to the nearest homeless shelter..... after a entire life of seeing him ruin peoples lives, i have zero interest in letting him set foot in mine.

my mom used to spend around 1000 a month on his ass when he was in jail.. about $600 in collect phonce calls, and $400 in " spending money". i changed my phone number after the first month after my mom died, cause he cwould call me collect 9 times a fucking day.. " just to talk"..... not giving a shit my phone bill would be enormous. i also didnt send him a single dime for about 5 years....... he needed to get the " real" prison experience, and no the pampered one my mom provided..... as i said, he gets $100 a month now, and thats it. i did send $300 at once, because he had some list of bullshit he wanted to buy.... but not its $100 a month.

he told me he had been making money over the years by doing other inmates laundry, for $1.00 a load........ i thought that was fucking awesome... finally the fucker had a job.

started out a spoiled kid..... grew to a lazy self entitled teen, who wanted to smoke weed. to get money he stole anything and everything from anyone and everyone... robbed cars, houses, etc...ratted out everyone he knew to the cops to get out of trouble...... got onto more trouble.... he would have at LEAST 3 court cases running at once. ... got into meth and other drugs,... fried his brain and turned into a schitzo, full of paranoia about everything..... finally ended up robbing 2 banks and hit the long term jail lotto......

There are a lot of people who serve time for crimes I wouldn't call serious. Especially when you factor in 3 strike rules.

And for those who do commit serious offenses, we just write them off for the next 50 years of their lives? It costs money to put them back in prison if they recommit crimes. Take some of that money and work to getting them to clean up their act.

For sure there are incurable people. But there are people who could be turned around. There are many examples of people who went to prison and later went on to do good things. IIRC Waylon Jennings listened to Johnny Cash play live at Folsom Prison. I guess Cash was just a hippie cocksucker for giving them a concert.

It sucks but you have to cut him off. My mom is in prison for drugs and before a holiday weekend, she was literally trying to call my stepdad hourly to send in a money order for her commissary fund. He was busy working and didn't get to it before the mail went out (he would have had to drop what he was doing and drive 15 miles to the nearest town with a bank and post office). None of us were dumb enough to put ourselves on her phone list so she kept on his ass. She was so fucking panicked about not having money in her commissary fund for this particular weekend and we kept telling him to shut the ringer off, which he finally did. The following week it was on the news that some other inmates in her prison were caught smuggling in drugs over the weekend.  The more desperate he seems, the less you should give in. If he's playing pity cards and he doesn't have an ulterior motive, he needs to man the fuck up anyway so hold strong for his own good.

It was Merle Haggard, and the prison was San Quentin.

i met 1 one time, but it turned out he was lying.

Well fuck him then. He isn't going to learn how to stop being a fucking piece of shit with someone making it easy for him.