S*** your dad told you.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - S*** your dad told you. (Page 1 of 5)

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:42:33 AM EDT

Mine:

"Me and my friend were drunk after a day working a dairy farm, we saw a bull and decided it would be a good idea to ride it. I ended up with a broken collar bone and Billy got thrown into a fence pole."

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:43:46 AM EDT

[#1]

Grab me another beer.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:45:04 AM EDT

[#2]

"i cant" is not part of your vocabulary

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:45:36 AM EDT

[#3]

"All women are crazy. It's just a matter of how much crazy you're willing to put up with."

and,

"Wrap that rascal."

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:45:53 AM EDT

[#4]

Dad: I used to have a great puppy.
Me: what happened to it?
Dad: i traded him for you beacuse i felt bad that your family was homeless.....i wish i still had the puppy
Me:

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:46:37 AM EDT

[#5]

If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working
A word to the wise is sufficient
Don't do anything that would ruin the family name.
if you're on time you are late

He had a ton of old sayings that he would roll out on us but I am drawing a blank

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:47:25 AM EDT

[#6]

"Do what I say, not what I do"

me: "I want -insert toy-"
dad: "Sure, we'll get you two of those"
Still waiting

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:48:26 AM EDT

[#7]

He would love me no matter what, unless I was gay.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:48:45 AM EDT

[#8]

Stay out of the San Diego jail, the windows are too high to look out.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:50:20 AM EDT

[#9]

Don't be lazy

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:50:39 AM EDT

[#10]

"One dog's puke is another dog's steak."

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:51:28 AM EDT

[#11]

"If you're gonna smoke keep it below the window."

Age 11, first cigarette.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:52:12 AM EDT

[#12]

Quote History

Quoted:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working

View Quote

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:53:46 AM EDT

[#13]

"If you want to know what your girlfriend or wife will look like when she is older, look at her mother".

"Don't go looking for trouble with anyone, but if anyone starts it with you, knock the ever living fuck out of them."

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:53:56 AM EDT

[#14]

Walk down the middle of the road, and if you see a stick, assume it will kill you.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:38 AM EDT

[#15]

"Hush, your voice will travel down the line scare off the fish."

Now that I have my own jabbermouths to take fishing with me I know why he said that.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:40 AM EDT

[#16]

A bunch of lies. He has told them so many times he believes them and has become a legend in his own mind and to the naive. Sad actually.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:45 AM EDT

[#17]

Monkey see- Monkey do.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:50 AM EDT

[#18]

When I was in high school:

If you go to jail, you can call me to come pick you up. Doesn't mean I will, but you can still call.

If you're drunk, don't be a dumbass and drive. Call me and I'll pick you up. We'll talk about the drunk thing the next day.

Don't ever start a fight. Feel free to finish one though.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:55:51 AM EDT

[#19]

"Don't write checks you ass can't cash"

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:59:02 AM EDT

[#20]

If you don't eat you can't poop.

If you don't poop you're going to die.

Posted: 8/29/2015 9:59:06 AM EDT

[#21]

Not Dad but Grandpa (while Grandma couldn't hear)

Boy, (called all his grandsons "Boy"), here's what you need to do: Get yourself hooked up with one of those old widows on Palm Beach; she'll have a nice house, buy you a nice car, and maybe get you a nice job in one of her dead husband's companies. You'll just have to be on her arm at social events and give her the lovin a couple times a month; but turn the lights off. Best part is, she'll expect you to be out chasing fine young tail in the fancy car she bought you and won't care because she'll only have it in her to do it a couple times a month and if you do it right you'll inherit everything when she croaks. I'm serious Boy, who needs all that dating bullshit.

I was like 20 at the time, he was dead serious, I did not take this advise

RIP Gramps

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:00:45 AM EDT

[#22]

"Son, did I ever tell you not to get married?...."

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:03:00 AM EDT

[#23]

Always take a piss after sex.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:03:32 AM EDT

[#24]

Quote History

Quoted:

View Quote View All Quotes

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Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working

It's not hard to understand for a man with work ethics....

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:05:42 AM EDT

[#25]

Dad:

If you ever get arrested, don't waste your 1 phone call calling me.

Get a fat girl, they'll work really hard to make you happy.

Ask the prettiest girls out, all the guys are afraid to get rejected, so they never get to go out.

When you turn 18, you're getting luggage and a bus ticket.

Condoms. Don't make me a grandpa before you're married.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:09:07 AM EDT

[#26]

If you shake it more then twice you're playing with it.

If you don't get caught, it doesn't count.

When I was around 30yo and my parents had been divorced for 12 years, "You should know by now your mom is crazy. Been that way since I married her, and always will be..."

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:09:18 AM EDT

[#27]

As he is having my mom cut off the long hair down to my shoulders.

"If you don't look like a juvenile delinquent you won't be one"

It worked oddly enough, but I wasn't "happy" being a bad kid anyway, it was an excuse to straighten up.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:10:22 AM EDT

[#28]

Anyone who can't be to work on time must not need the job. The general public is pretty damn dumb.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:11:09 AM EDT

[#29]

"I'll never lie to you, or break a promise." He never has as far as I know.

I do the same for my kids.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:11:12 AM EDT

[#30]

Quote History

Quoted:
"If you want to know what your girlfriend or wife will look like when she is older, look at her mother".

"Don't go looking for trouble with anyone, but if anyone starts it with you, knock the ever living fuck out of them."

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

View Quote

My old man used to say that all the time too.

When I got my driver's license, before he turned me loose that first Friday night he said "Just remember to respect your elders, don't tear up other people's shit and most importantly, if you get thrown in jail just remember that I didn't get you in and I'm not getting you out. Otherwise have fun and be safe." That "Don't get thrown in jail" bit always stuck with me because I damn well knew he meant it!

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:11:53 AM EDT

[#31]

Guard your honor, it can't be regrown.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:14:56 AM EDT

[#32]

Hey, smoke up Johnny.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:16:46 AM EDT

[#33]

Son...you can only rent beer...

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:19:04 AM EDT

[#34]

Him: Are you stupid?
Me: No
Him: Then act like it!

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:19:13 AM EDT

[#35]

Quote History

Quoted:
"i cant" is not part of your vocabulary

View Quote

This.

My father was a band director. On the back wall of his band hall was a huge banner reading: "YES, YOU CAN."

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:21:01 AM EDT

[#36]

Quote History

Quoted:

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working

To understand the man, read what I posted here

http://www.ar15.com/forums/t_1_5/1781770_Tell_us_a_good_story_about_your_parents.html&page=2#i55314364

It explains why he believes what he believes
He is 77 years old and still working, refuses to draw social security because he doesn't believe in it, etc

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:22:22 AM EDT

[#37]

We fished a lot together years ago when I was very young. I can still hear him when I would get a mess in my line from the old spinning reels ......"Jeeeeezus Christ". Makes me smile when I recall those times, especially when I would catch myself saying it to my own kids.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:23:28 AM EDT

[#38]

"See that box (pointing at the TV)? It's not real."

One of the smartest lessons I ever learned.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:24:20 AM EDT

[#39]

"Life is going to kick the shit of you." Probably the most valuable lesson he ever taught me.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:25:39 AM EDT

[#40]

Quote History

Quoted:

To understand the man, read what I posted here

http://www.ar15.com/forums/t_1_5/1781770_Tell_us_a_good_story_about_your_parents.html&page=2#i55314364

It explains why he believes what he believes
He is 77 years old and still working, refuses to draw social security because he doesn't believe in it, etc

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
If you're only working 40 hours a week, you aren't really working

To understand the man, read what I posted here

http://www.ar15.com/forums/t_1_5/1781770_Tell_us_a_good_story_about_your_parents.html&page=2#i55314364

It explains why he believes what he believes
He is 77 years old and still working, refuses to draw social security because he doesn't believe in it, etc

You should try to remind him it's HIS money that's been stolen from him his entire life

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:25:48 AM EDT

[#41]

A girl brought some Mexican cookies to school for treat day when I was little.

https://www.google.com/#q=mexican+marshmallow+cookie

I wanted to buy some next time we went to walmart. He said; "Those aren't safe to eat. The Mexicans that make them don't use toilet paper. They use their hands to wipe and don't wash them so they have shit all over their hands and clothes when they work at the factory."

He said that when I was 7 and it didn't dawn on me till I was 23 that I could buy those and he was racist. They are made in America anyway, atleast that brand was. Our last name is Spanish but he hates dark people.

"If you sleep more than 4 hours a night you need to file for welfare and give up on life. You ain't gonna make it son."

"Life sucks, it hurts, and then you die. Now get the fuck back to digging." He told me that when I was 7 or 8 and my hands started bleeding from running the manual diggers.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:26:00 AM EDT

[#42]

"How you think is far more important than how you look."

He also never told me I looked pretty, but he'd praise the hell out of my intellectual accomplishments.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:26:29 AM EDT

[#43]

Get an education. Its the only thing that cant be taken away from you.

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:26:37 AM EDT

[#44]

Better shot at and missed, than shit at and hit

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:30:33 AM EDT

[#45]

Here...hold this...hands me a fully charged ignition capacitor that proceeded to knock me dick stiff...first lesson in mechanics...shit will hurt you fast...

Posted: 8/29/2015 10:33:19 AM EDT

[#46]

"If you can't drive a stick, you can't drive" a metaphor for many things

"Only prey are afraid of the dark"

"Boots and a hat don't make you a cowboy"

"Quitting is for pussies"

Regarding handshakes

"A man who squeezes too hard has something to hide"
"A limp handshake is a sign of disrespect "

"A fake laugh says a lot about a person, avoid them"