This is the indecisive gene all women have and science refuses to acknowledge it.

This is the indecisive gene all women have and science refuses to acknowledge it.

This is the indecisive gene all women have and science refuses to acknowledge it.

3 round burst!

Lord if I had the time...

My wife is a very competitive rifle match shooter:
"Aim at nothing and you will hit it every time."
"If I want your opinion, I will beat it out of you!"

your wife says that? She's demanding

when are we gonna go shooting?

My GF. Shot her first Glock match recently. She said she liked shooting better at my house wearing a  teddy and drinking a beer.

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Wife started explaining how she didn't get a chance to finish her free book on her Kindle before it expired, and she wasn't able to renew it in time.  



Then, followed with: "I know, first world problems."  





Guess she listens to more quotes off here than I thought.  

I have no wife.

"stop being your penis size
!"

This!

Hard to convey that I know you're the wife with smilies.

so i guess you should contribute what he says

You're an ass...

Oh, I know you know I'm the wife. You don't give your wife the occasional 3rd round? Shame on you!!!

Don't look at me in that tone!

It's not the dumb shit she says, it's the dumb shit she says and then conveniently forgets later that frustrates me.

"You're an idiot."

I hear this a lot.

I'm currently in an uncontrollable fit of giggles visualizing this paired up with your perfect username.

Easy fix for the "I don't care" problem:

If they say they don't care, then stop asking or suggesting.

If you're cooking, cook what you want.

If you're going out, drive to the place you want to go.  Don't go anywhere else.

It'll fix it.  Trust me.

All men have the gene too. They just have the good manners to gtf over it and make a decision for the sake of decision making. Women can do the exact same thing. They don't do it because they don't have to. Turn up the pain and teach her how to keep herself out of trouble. She'll be blurting out answers ("Outback!") in no time. Or she'll eject. Either way, problem solved.

Instant quandary:  Video of BES as sister wife or a guy chasing chickens with a leaf blower on an ATV.

Let's get both!

"F^&$ING FEMALE DRIVERS!" (her words, not mine!)



My wife gets especially indecisive when she's hungry. It drives me mad sometimes.



"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, kind of."

"So do you want to eat now or get something on the way home?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Ok, what do you want? Something quick or a restaurant?"

"I don't care."

"...ok, so Wendy's? Subway?"

"I don't know."

"Subway is is then."

"I don't really want Subway."

"So what DO you want?"

"I don't care. Anything."



At that point I'll just drive to the nearest place and order something I know she'll eat. Usually after eating, her powers of decision making return. Magic!

Usually when I'm not looking straight at her she says "I love you honey" in that tone that makes me certain she is rolling her eyes

Let's go fishing.

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After eating at the same place two times in a row mine says we should go somewhere different next time. Her Birthday comes and we go out to the same place her choice then says we should try something else after leaving. WTF?

"_____"

Typically followed days later by "I know I told you--you never listen".  The problem is the words never leave her mouth--it's either her constant internal dialog, or she gets distracted and never actually says the words she plans to.  My adult kids confirm this so it's not a case of selective hearing.


.

My GF:

"Did you hear what I just said.......fuck I hate dealing with the hearing impaired"
"I just want to punch you"

And my favorite......."Come give me some dick"

She mispronounces words a lot, which is adorable. Most recently, Ockham's Razor became Ocelot's Razor.

The one thing she says that bugs me though is "You don't listen." This is code for "I didn't explain it well enough, and I think your question is dumb because you didn't know what I actually meant." If she's really angry, it's "You never listen to me" which I shut down by walking to the door and saying, "Are you really sure you want to marry a guy who doesn't ever listen to you? You should figure that out soon." That usually brings her back to earth.

My wife has the adorable habit of being completely oblivious to anything raunchy.

Take any internet joke; for example the set of raunchy sexual maneuvers that came of age in the late 90s - the Donkey Punch, the Dirty Sanchez, the Hot Carl, etc.  

Nobody has ever done these things (not real people, at least), but everyone knows about the jokes, right?

Nope.  Not my wife.  Completely oblivious.  We'll be at a party, and somebody will make a joke, and she's the only one not laughing, and then asks, "No, seriously, what's a Blumpkin?"  


It's not like we're old, either.  I know she's heard it all before because I make all those jokes.  She just immediately forgets anything raunchy.  Nearly every innuendo goes right over her head.

Rock out with your cock out

Sajer , you are one crazy SOB , that's why I married you

Can you just take a regular picture for once!

It's all about me


Dont ever do the laundry you dont fold right.   She says that a lot

Dont load the dishwasher , you do it wrong.

You ever cheat on me I will cut a bitch

"You're such an asshole......but you're my asshole."

"You make my head hurt"

"Not talking to you....just gonna skip my daily aneurism."

"You want to do WHAT? NO, I don't have bail money."

her: "Sooooo...."
me: "ugh... now what?" ("sooo" is never a good sign)
"I was thinking about dyeing my hair..."
"Dont, you'll like it for 2 days then change it back."
her:

Yeah its fucking insane. I mean its not entirely her fault, when she gets a heavy dose of morphine man its anything goes.

I dont let her drive of course, but otherwise its a combination of amusing entertainment and maddeningly frustrating childish behavior.

I think my favorite memory of the ex wife was when i was talking to our landlord, out of nowhere she just starts talking over (she did this alot).  Finally I had to get a word in:

"Honey?"

"What?!? "

I point to the next room "Shiney object."

She spins around, then reality hits and she spins back.

Her:

Me:

Landlord: ...

Holy yes!  We were at a fried fish joint specifically for their fish and chips.. She was so hungry that she could not even decide on how many to get.

"Get the fuck outta my kitchen!"

I didn't listen at first, but after the second time she cut me with a knife, I realized I'd be better on the couch watching t.v. She ( 2nd wife ) said this whenever she was cooking something with a really old family recipe. Like I would know what to do with a damn recipe'. Of course, it might also be that she got aggravated by my really bad Zuluish accent of " Bootitee Bootitee Bootie.", and smacking her on the ass when she was bent over a hot stove, but who knows. I almost needed stitches the second time, but we super glued it.

"Stop being a bitch and get up. I'm gonna fuck the pain away if you stop being a pussy."

This was after she came back from MP training at Leonard wood. We were coming down the steps at my parents house and headed over to ours. She decided to show me a baton type take down she learned there, with a 5 cell maglight she had in her hands, while I was stepping off into the gravel driveway, with the cement walkway still extending for the next three feet. All I know is she got my arms behind me as I was stepping off, and locked them, and I went face first into the gravel, bleeding, while she jumped on my back and cuffed me. Cussing her, and spitting out rocks was apparently being a whiny bitch.  She made up for it, but geez.

"I'm gonna dig your brain out with a spoon."  Anytime I said something stupid, but with her track record of violence, I could never be sure if she was being funny or serious.



"Go out and put the targets up."

At the range, after a night of knock down , drag out fighting, where she pulled a knife on me and I thought I was gonna have to hit her with a bat. Then she said the knife was for her, but we kept fighting. She would never shut up, and to get the last word. I slept in another bedroom that night. Well, slept isn't the right word, I never fell asleep. She slept like a baby, and laughed at me because she said she psyched me out. She decided that we should go shoot that morning, bought us breakfast and all. She asked me to go put the targets up while she stayed back at the shooting line, with nobody there but us two, in the middle of nowhere, with no cell service. Yeah, like that was gonna happen. I told her hell, no, you're walking out here with me.


The first wife was all sunshine and daisies. Second one was crazy as hell. And yeah, the 2nd one is the 19-20 year old ( (I was 32-33) that wanted to play "overwatch " on a gun deal on the river roads on top of a buddy's dad's two story store, where there was a ladder to go up on the extension that was a first floor patio thing. I didn't tell her no. It would have broke her spirit, and I wouldn't have got laid that night. It was her 10rd AK and she was using the money for a 30rd SAR1.

Holy shit.

Me, after she started crap out of nowhere, sometimes with me not even in the same room, minding my own business. " Why are you being such a bitch?"

Her, " Because you made me that way."

ETA, sometimes if I really wanted her to leave me alone, in response to the above.

" yeah, but you're so fucking good at it, I think you had a lot of training before I got you."

Everything but the fish part makes perfect sense to me. Am I fucked?

"NO MY CULO NOOOOOOO!"

"My lup are you talking alone?"

(All in a heavy hispanic accent)

Can you build me <insert Pinterest project from hell>? It looks easy ...

Arby's will put the fear of god in a woman.

Hell it will put the fear of god in me as I hate Arby's.   But I will suffer in silence and pretend to enjoy it knowing what that foul excuse for meat and horsey sauce will do to me in a couple hours.    

Cannot decide and pull that shit?   Fine, let's goto Arby's.

If your avatar is the colors of the flag of your wife's country, mine is from the same place.

I often hear (after I don't get one of her jokes, that still happens more than not)
"I'm sorry, I fuck your brain"

"close the lights please" (turn off the lights please)

"did you close the cooker" (turn off the stove)

When she wants to get her point across, she will just draw her thumb across her throat, in a slashing motion.