Something my wife and I might be looking into

1) how difficult is it?

2) what age were they?

3) how expensive?

This thread has changed to just be experiences, looking to hear yours ad adopted parents or an adoptee

My wife and I adopted 2 daughters from Russia in the mid-90s, so I can talk to you about the adoption process, what the process was/is like (for domestic as well as international), as well as how we handled various things (how/when do you 'tell them', for example).

Ask away  

Did you get them as babies?

Two of my children are adopted.  Each adopted separately, and each were US adoptions.

ETA: I was in the delivery room for each of them at birth and we took them home from the hospital.  They are my kids in every way except biologically.

get some chinese girl, hour peoples are smarter then others

Having been adopted I would tell you that the kids will love you and will come to understand the generous thing you did.

I'm adopted and was/am/will continue to be a much better son to my parents than my shitbird siblings.



My white, mid twenties parents adopted a ~3 month old S. Korean kid and raised me in the middle of what was then nearly all white Indiana.  Not exactly subtle or possible to hide.  Racism was an issue that I remember well and I suspect was challenging for my parents as well, but they never showed it and I never recall being exposed to them dealing poorly with any situations.  That's something else I don't underestimate and was likely very trying for them at times.



So in the end, it worked out OK for my folks.  They are good people and were at least average or above average parents.  Some part of me has always been appreciative of what they undertook, and I have always looked at them and treated them as my birth parents.  Being adopted as a baby obviously had a lot to do with that.



If you have the means and commitment to raise a child that is not your own, as your own, then absolutely go ahead with it.  Just make sure (same as with any child situation) you are on the same page with your better half.  There are certainly some unique trials that will come with it compared to making your own.

Former brother and SIL adopted their first two kids.
Both were newborns right from the hospital.

The first adoption came together shortly before the mother was to give birth. Given they came together at the last moment it cost them next to nothing. It was  attorneys fees and some medical care. Beautiful healthy baby girl.  

The second adoption came about much earlier in the pregnancy so it cost them more for the mother and babies care etc. As I recall it was something around $20k.
Beautiful healthy baby boy.

Their first attempt to adopt tuned into a nightmare. The lawyer representing the mother steered the kid to another couple, a couple who just happened to be friends of his. My former brother was so enraged over the lawyer did to his wife he was going to end that lawyer, thankfully cooler heads prevailed. He told the attorney if he did not get back every dime he was going to the grievance committee and the papers. He got back every dime.

Life long childhood friend adopted an infant that he was told was Spanish, turned out the kid was also part American Indian. After the adoption appeared to be finalized the tribe stepped in some three months later and sued to get the kid back. He had to give the kid back to a state agency until it went through court. Basically they were trying to shake him down for more money. That adoption cost him in excess of $60k, with half of that being in legal costs after the adoption was supposed to have been done. It took almost nine months to get the baby back into their care. My friends father kept telling him to walk, that it was crazy to spend that kind of money on legal fees, that it would be easier to just start the process over. My friend told his Dad that the wife was already attached to the kid.

Moral do not adopt any baby that might be American  Indian.

1) how difficult is it? My wife and I adopted 3 at the same time from South America. The older two were biological brother and sister and the baby was unrelated. The older two had some major abuse issues from earlier childhood, which made it much more difficult overall. But the actual process wasn't too bad, which may have had something to do with their ages. From contacting the agency with our initial inquiry to picking up the kids in S. America was 4 months, which is pretty much unheard of.

2) what age were they? 10 years, 8 years, and 3 months.

3) how expensive? Older kids can have grants placed on them either from the country dropping their fees or from donations from 3rd parties. There are (or has been) tax credits up to $30K for international adoptions. I think by the time we were back in the U.S. it probably cost us about $15K, but we were refunded that through the tax credits. In Iowa, adoption from the state is free, but you can potentially deal with a LOT more hassle, especially if the birth parents are still working on getting the kids back. But assuming you're trying to adopt a kid from the state and you're licensed to do so, the state pays stipends for the 6+ months that they require the child live with you before the adoption, sometimes based on needs of the child the stipends can continue after the adoption as well. I'm sure it varies by state. Private adoptions can be much more costly and usually remain somewhat "open" with potential that the birth parent may recant even after you have custody.

We adopted twin girls from China...cost us about $45k most of it was travel expenses.
They were 8 months old when we picked them up and brought them home.
This was April of 2001. It wasnt particularly difficult...the agency and my Wife did most of the paperwork.

I thought dealing with the State Dept (?) and US Embassy was the worst part.....

that i don't want to do it.

First, good on you guys.  Second, we're going to need some more specifics.  

Lots of sob stories out there.    Many success stories too.    I adopted my step daughter (she was 8 at the time but I had been her daddy since she was 6mo) which cost me less than $1k.  I did it as a single guy with no job and she wasn't able to be there because of medical issues.  

Are you a Veteran?  Do you want a baby?  Want a specific race?  Older kid that needs a home?  Want to use an agency?  A kid already in the US?

My best advise is to contact a Social Worker first and take their advise on a lawyer to pick.  They do this all the time and know what lawyers do this all the time and will make it easier on you.

You know, with as often as this topic comes up (which I think is a GREAT thing) maybe we should start a FAQ thread in the legal section and ask for a tac.  Some guys come into these threads and type paragraphs of awesome advise all the time.  Getting all of that info together could help quite a bit.

the other thing you may want to think of is  do you have biological kids also?  how will they interact?  

my little sister was adopted when i was 9, her and i get along better than my biological sister and i do.  my biological sister hates my adopted sister and my adopted sister has made every attempt to change that. My biological sister always used to drag me into the middle of it, so  almost two years ago, i have stopped talking to her unless i absolutely can't avoid it.i talk to my little sister weekly.

My wife and I adopted two girls, both from China (separate adoptions).  Both were right at 3 years old at the time of adoption.  This was in 1999 - 2000 timeframe.  I agree with an earlier poster, the US State Department was one of the biggest hassles.

We used Holt International Children's Services.  They have an excellent reputation and were one of early pioneers in international adoption.

Mine were from Russia, adopted in the mid-90's.  Separate processes.  Went to get one, one year, went to get the other the next year.  Ended up around 15k apiece.  Got one at 1 year old, the other at 18 months.

I wouldn't say the process was hard, but there is a lot of stuff to do that you've likely not done before as far as forms, etc...  

There are going to be good and poor adoption stories (I'm speaking post-placement, here), but most won't be because of the adoption, it will be because of the family situation, just as there are good and bad non-adoptive family stories.

We told our girls about their situation from the very beginning - that God had a special reason for them to be with us.  They've always thought it was really cool to be from Russia.

Bump with op change

I adopted my son 4 years ago.  We had everything prearranged prior to birth, and he came home with us at 3 days old.  It was private domestic adoption.

We had some issues come up over the adoption process largely due to:

1.) a VERY thorough judge who wanted to make sure that this as a rock-solid adoption.
2.) Biological mother's sister who did everything in her power to "shake us down" and almost cost us the adoption.
3.) Home study organization that tried to get into the process in order to collect fees.

In the end, it cost me $24,000 in various expenses that included court costs, home study, publication, investigation, DNA testing, confinement costs, two lawyers (one to represent us, and one to represent our son.)  The adoption finalized exactly 1 year from the time he was born.

It was expensive, and emotionally draining, but I am SO glad that we did-- and would do it again in a heartbeat.


However... a word of warning....

We contacted Bethany Christian Services when we were required to do a home study.  They were going to charge us $1,500 to do the home study, and I was OK paying it.

However, there is NOTHING Christian about that organization.  They attempted to get the biological mother to 1.) break the agreement with us in order to sign to allow them to represent her in order to collect a fee.  2.) attempted to get the biological mother to remove our son from our home until the adoption was finalized (which ended up one year later.)

I had choice words to say to the "counselor" and I fired them on the spot.   Use them at your own risk.

hit something by mistake

How did you get connected with the birth mother?

Agency?

We were connected to her because she had a family member in my FIL's church.  She asked her aunt to help her find a good family that would want to adopt and our name came up.  We spoke to her on the phone a few times, arranged for her to come to our area, and agreed to do the adoption.

While we have a closed adoption, I am in regular contact with the biological mother.

I was adopted as a baby via Catholic Social Services, and have always knows that I was adopted.

My mother is the woman who raised me, period.

We adopted a Korean boy - started the process in 2000 through the oldest and most respected agency in NYC.
My wife DID NOT want to adopt domestically after hearing all the horror stories about $ shake downs, changing
of minds and other assorted drama that is associated with adopting state-side. Korea is VERY particular as to where
they place their children. Can't be too young or old, make a certain level of income (we are not wealthy), a lot of information
about your home / community etc... but it was all worth it in the end.  

On the flip side, Korea has an excellent gov-run system for women wanting to give up their kids for adoption. They place
boys and girls but you don't get to choose which was fine as I wanted a boy and my wife wanted a girl (we got a boy )
We often hear " oh how lucky that boy is to have parents like you" - truth is that we are the lucky ones. He arrived at 4 months
old and is now 14 and about to start HS in the fall. I could not have asked for a better son. The kid is smart, athletic, quiet (almost
to quiet but that's OK), respectful and obedient. I think he will turn out to be a most productive member of our society. IM if you have
any questions....

Thanks for all the help guys!

Sent my wife a link to this thread. It has already answered some things for her. I may take up the offer to message some of you guys.

Keep the experiences coming

My wife and I just finalized an adopted of little girl from the State.  We already had a biological son but wanted more children.

This was not a "private" adoption as the child did not have any legal parents and was in the custody of the State.  The process started when she was 10 Months old and it took 2 years.  State adoptions are usually very inexpensive as State usually provides all the necessary services and quick but in our case it was a contested adoption as the State could not make up their mind if she should be in foster home or get adopted by us...they were trying to avoid the issue of racism that came up as the child, my wife and I are all different race.  We never got any support from the State agency once the issue of race was brought up by the foster family.  Only one little support we got was from the child's Guardian ad Litem (GaL).  We had to fight through the State adoption system which we did and won after a year and then they contested so we had to have a trial by a judge...which we also won.  We had to get our own home study done, hire our own lawyer, get our own psychologist, etc.  It was not cheap and we joke that we should have named her "Mercedes".  

One thing we learned though this long process was that very few people really care about the well being and the future of the child.  State didn't care who adopted her as long as she was adopted out of the system as it's a "brownie" point for the agency.  The judge didn't really care about the case except she didn't want the racial issue to get out of hand and everybody else was just in it for the $$$$.  Now she's home and she's our second child.  She's perfect in our eyes.  When we finally brought her home I wrote on the first page of her scrap book "She may not be of my flesh and blood but she is of my heart and soul"...I want her to always remember that.  Despite all the difficulties we had, we are on the list to find another child to adopt from the state.

We also have a international adoption in the pipes.  It's a lot more expensive and there are plenty of agencies that are out for you money and nothing else.  Funny but most "religious" agencies we've had contacts with were some of the worst frauds.  A International adoption will cost you between $25k - $50k when completed.  It's going to be about 3-5 year process in most cases.

Think about this...
A private adoption will usually cost average of $30k
A International adoption will usually cost average of $32k
A IVF procedure from start to end usually cost average of $30k

I don't think it's an accident...basically it cost $30k to get a child either way.




 

Use an agency
We used Gladney

The good ones cover all the bases so Mom or Dad can not come back and haunt you

My Adoptive daughter will be 11 next month

If she lives...
Meaning I don't kill her for stupid things she does  

We had a closed adoption but met the Birth mom before so she could make sure we where the parents she wanted to raise our child
Great meeting but I had to tell the worker representing the birth mom to STFU next time when asking what degree I had since it is VERY specific and could have let them know where I worked
Birth Mom had her aunt there and that was great since she was shy and Aunt ask things she wanted to know
Also we can send information back through Gladney

And she is a HUGH Daddy's girl and I love it

Genetics mean nothing (in my case)
Mine acts so much like me its scary
And she looks like my wife
Birth mom looked like my niece

Thanks Dude.

I have yet to be adopted.  Come on Japan!

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I adopted my step-son at 3 years old. He turned 18 in February.

Raising a son was a great experience.

When they turn 17 and decide they want to do drugs, party and be a thug, all I can think about is where did I fail. His mother is a POS, so maybe it's genetics? He damn sure didn't learn that from me.

You asked for experiences

We've adopted two. It was a privet adoption. The mother placed the first with us, the. Contacted us saying she was pregnant again, so we took that baby. It takes a bit of time to adopt. We paid a bit out of pocket. But we got it all back in our tax return. If you keep every receipt, Ca is very good on returning dollars you spent to adopt. So our attorney fees, court costs, and a few other items were covered.

My adopted daughter is a A+ student. Very kind, and very pretty. She is the best kid anyone could hope for. My adopted son is extremely autistic and developmentally delayed. He is a happy boy, but cannot talk, is not potty trained, and has very limited fine motor function. Outside of walking/ running and feeding himself, he needs 24 hour 1 on 1 care to help him through the day.

Adopting has both very big rewards, but also comes with its own set of challenges.

Exactly.  My daughter has no idea I adopted her.  The family joke is that she has my eyes as people tell us that all that time (like at the grocery store checkout line).  My daughter always says "no, I have grandma's eyes".  She also has no idea that grandma is technically my stepmom.    My daughter's teacher, before she knew my little girl was adopted said "she has your sense of humor, your eyes, your personality and your nose".  

A little over a year ago when the adoption was final I started a thread in team.  Someone who had been adopted as a kid posted that his dad always joked with that he should have kept the receipt.  

I still get a good laugh from that.  

It depends on your state and whether it is a private adoption or through the state.

We have 2 adopted boys and both were very different.  Both were from the same birth mother but different states meant different rules.

Start with a local lawyer.

Good luck

It depends on your state and whether it is a private adoption or through the state.

We have 2 adopted boys and both were very different.  Both were from the same birth mother but different states meant different rules.

Start with a local lawyer.

Good luck

Sorry Double tap

Ain't that the truth

He will always be my son, and I love him to death. I hope one day he pulls his head out of his ass.

We adopted our girl. We went through an attorney who runs a non-profit that aids in connecting birth-mothers with prospective parents. We met our birth-mother when she was about 4 months pregnant. We paid her about $1,200 a month living expenses. We took her to every doctors appointment, as she had recently had her car repo''d. We were there at the hospital when our baby was born and we were allowed to leave with her 36 hours later. The birth-mother never has contacted us since. Our daughter is 4 now. :)

I was adopted at six months old in 1971. I adopted my wife's two children when we got married, and she adopted my two from my first marriage shortly afterward. For the most part, it had gone very well.



There is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever go through the adoption process today, especially an "open adoption". My biological mother gave birth to me and then vanished, returning long enough to sign custody of me over to the state. This is how adoptions used to be carried out, and how they should be done today.

My parents are white, so they would not be allowed to adopt an American Indian baby today(I'm a Sioux).

I've seen greedy tribes demand $40,000+ per Indian baby to be adopted by a white family. The white family has to pay out of pocket to get the baby, and the tribe has no interest in the child at all. They just want their cut. Stupid part is, the child was in foster care to start with. If the tribe really wanted the kid, they could have gotten them. But the tribe let the state raid the kids, then they demand money to sign off on the adoption, then have nothing to do with the child ever again. I've seen this happen four different times.

When they asked us during the adoption preccess if our daughter or son was Indian, we were like NO!!!eleven!!1! Actually we just checked the box that said "not Indian" but you get the point.

That's horrible, but not unexpected...


I'm SO happy to not have been raised anywhere near the 'Rez.

My parents were pastor/ missionaries on a reservation in Az when I was little. It was worse than when we lived on the Baja in Mexico. Dry, hot, and dirty were the three best qualities of the reservation. They were a very poor tribe. Some of them were very fat and lazy. But a few of them were tradesmen, and my dad was there to teach construction and business, and share the gospel. He still keeps in contact with some of those guys almost 30 years later. I don't remember the name of the town. I'd have to ask my dad to see what the tribes name was.

Bump