Brief background: my wife's 21 year old brother has been living with us since last February. He moved down to get away after a shitty relationship and to try to get his head straightened out. He has had problems with alcohol and drugs in the past, but had gone through a 30 day rehab program and was supposed to be sober. Ha. Ha. Ha. He's been drinking heavily since he came down. There have been some periods where he actually stays sober, but he always goes back to the booze. As a side note, he does have a history of bar fights, and blacked out rages in the past.

Also, as a side note...he's been aiming to play pro baseball for years. He works out two or three times daily and is built like a brick shithouse. 6' 2" 200#.  He has also, for at least the last couple years, been using all manner and variety of prohormones and other workout supplements. He was feeling depressed recently and got some blood work done and his testosterone was around 90 and his estrogen around 142. The doctor put him on 460mg/week of testosterone replacement. I can't help but think this played into the following.

This brings us to last night. I had gone into town to mail a package at around 3:30 PM. Returned home about 4:30. Notice BIL's Jeep is missing. My wife tells me he got upset about something and "went for a drive". That's typically been code for "go for a booze run". He comes back and sits in his cad for about 20 minutes. We suspect, correctly so, that he was out there drinking before he came in.

Turns out he pounded two bottles of Fireball whiskey and then followed it up with 10 bottles of 6% beer. We realized this situation was going to be difficult by about 5 PM when, after only 1 beer he was slurring his speech badly and was obviously pretty drunk already. He decided to treat drinking these beers like a race. Less than 10 minutes per bottle.

Things continued fairly peacefully until probably 7 PM. He got started on his "woe is me, my life sucks" spiel and started getting all weepy and shit. At some point it started shifting to anger and then exploded very rapidly...

While my wife was out on the front porch talking to their mom about the situation at hand, he made his way out from his room where I was praying he would just pass out. No such luck. He went out to the porch as well, and not too long thereafter I hear him yelling loudly then hear banging and crashing. I immediately went to our bedroom and grabbed my S&W 645. By the time I got back to the front door things had escalated. He was rampaging around the porch throwing things and punching walls and what not. I opened the front door and my wife pushed inside and closed and locked it. I quickly went to the back and locked the back door.

This was about the time I first contemplated involving law enforcement. I should have listened to my instincts. He disappeared for a short time, less than 10 minutes. Then he reappeared at the front door and started banging and kicking at the door. I truly thought he was going to kick it in. My wife went to the door asking him to calm down and to take it down a notch or two, and he did, long enough to get back inside.

He started making trips to his room and throwing his clothes and crap out the front door onto the porch and lawn. In the process of this we can tell his rage is growing again. I went to the kitchen in between his trips and got our coats and shoes. We were getting ready to bug out. I went out the back with the dogs since our gate doesn't open and you have to hop the fence to get out, wife was going to meet me outside. She ended up in the living room with him while I was out front.

I admit, and I'm ashamed, that I stayed outside and listened instead of actually going in at that point. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. Then the crashes started. Turns out he demolished one of our tray tables and upended and destroyed our coffee table. Luckily, he never actually laid a hand on my wife, but he was apparently right up in her face screaming. My reason for staying outside was that I didn't want to startle him or trigger him to do something rash.

At this point, hearing the crashing and screaming I finally called 911. I told them we had a domestic disturbance, that my BIL who lived with us was very drunk and threatening violence. They dispatched a county sheriff immediately. Unfortunately, we're rural and response time ended up being about 12-15 minutes. We ended up locking ourselves in the tack room in one of the barns. I know I probably sound like a total coward here, but let me lay it out a bit clearer. I'm 6' 1" 150#. He's 6' 2" and probably 200# of solid muscle. I have never been in a physical fight in my 30 years, and this wasn't going to be my first. I also REALLY did NOT want to have to shoot my wife's brother...

Finally the deputy shows up and makes contact with her brother. He broke down crying sobbing again with the cop. The deputy comes over to us and starts discussing the situation. Because he never laid a hand on either of us, he could not arrest her brother. Nor could he make him leave for the night since this is his legal residence, despite him not being on the lease. The cop told me straight up, "until he hits either of you, I can't do anything". I was a bit taken aback by that, but OK fine, we figure we'll bug out to a hotel since he obviously can't drive.

Her brother apparently tells the cop he wants us to take him to the hospital. OK fine. Cop leaves, things stay peaceful, we get him to the hospital. Apparently he immediately started getting belligerent with the doctor and nurses. Shocking.

3.5 hours after he stopped drinking his BAC was 0.277...  He finally ended up falling asleep at some point. I came home at about 6 AM to get all the horses fed, wife is still there.  

I may not have conveyed everything in the best way, but I'm working on absolutely 0 sleep and am a bit fried after that. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life.

I know this is really long, if anything is unclear, just ask and I can clarify.

Your first mistake was allowing him to move in.

Your second will be allowing him to remain.

Oh Damn !!!


The  " First Post Nails It " and all that .


gd

You are kicking him out, right?

He doesn't need to make any more mistakes.

OP, please don't.

I'm going with this. BIL is 21 and a man, let him take care of himself, don't do it for him.

Don't fucking sweat this. What you did was understandable, and I'm sure that at some point, if you had to, you would have responded.

It didn't get to that point, thankfully.



What you have to do now... is get him the fuck out.



Start legal eviction proceedings if you have to, just get him the fuck out.
Because eventually, it's going to get to that point.



 

You couldn't have him charged with property damage?

He is going to promptly pack his shit and get out of your house, right?

Is all of the broken furniture and other items listed on the police report?

What does the wife have to say about this fiasco?

FPNI.  Move him out.  Let him rot.

Kick his ass out and cut all ties immediately.

Kick him out now

OP, that was well-written.

Depression, Testosterone supplements and massive quantities of alcohol. What could go wrong there?
I hope you can get this worked out OP. I know he's family and it's hard not to want to help.
This guy is a train wreck and is heading for a full blown derailment and hopefully dosent take anyone with him.
The only option is to get him into rehab and if he refuses he has to get out of your home anyway it goes.
Good Luck.

Cop can't do anything until he hits you?


What about him breaking all your shit?

Never let relatives move in with you.  Ever.
(Elderly parents unable to care for themselves being the only exception)

The added stress of a deadbeat relative under your roof is one of the quickest ways to destroy a marriage.

You've put yourself in one hell of a "damned if you do/don't" situation...
If you don't stand up to him...your wife will be mad because you're her husband.
If you do stand up to him...your wife will be mad because he's her brother.

Keep an axe handle leaned up behind the door. A little hickory shampoo will calm down most drunks.

Ha.  I really hope no one here would call you a pussy for not shooting your drunk BIL.  Ya'll will probably laugh about the whole thing 20yrs down the road.  Shooting a family member when you could have gotten away like you did?  Ya'll would never get over that.

You don't sound like a coward at all. You sound like a man who avoided taking a human life, and that's something to be proud of.

I bet he has a helluva hangover this morning.

Not wanting to shoot him is why baseball bats were invented.

He would have 8 seconds to get his shit out of the house when he gets out of hospital.

Kick him out.

Sounds harsh, but people like that are no good.

Pretty straight forward.

FPNI

"And he'll NEVER do that AGAIN! He PROMISES!"

(I was peripherally raised around that shit. As a result, I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for an aggressive, abusive drunk.)

Al Lot depends on the individual state...here in NJ it would be Domestic Violence because of the criminal mischief..which we could arrest for, even if it was Under the felony threshold.....that said if neither party wanted a RO against him, he would be processed, released on a summons, and able to go right back.  IIRC the Cutoff between Indictable and DP is $500 here

I had a shitty sister that was one of those "squatter's rights" types.  I shouldn't have let her move in, but I fucked up.  After she tried to move her shitbag baby-daddy in I had enough.  I told her I would put her up in a hotel if she agreed to move out.  She agreed.  She packed her shit (not all of it), and met us at a hotel.  My wife and I swept the house for anything that could be hers and brought it to the hotel, so she would never have an excuse to step foot in my house again.  Dumb bitch thought we would put her up in the hotel for a week.  We paid for a day, dumped her shit, took our truck back and left her sorry ass.  She had no legal ground to return since she had vacated my house voluntarily.

Your wife comes first and protecting her from any more of this behavior is the most important thing. There is no excuse for his actions. Sounds like he needs to make a choice of another rehab trip for Christmas or GTFO now.

.277 and coherent indicates serious alcohol abuse. Really serious. Most people would be unable to function at that level. He was breaking things and speaking intelligibly.

He has to go. It's for his own good, and yours.

Sadly, you will likely be the only ones who perceive the benefit of this in the near future. He will continue to get drunk and ruin his life. He's never going to play professional sports. Baseball has much better things to do than tolerate that kind of nonsense from a generic minor-leaguer.

He may hate the two of you until he dies, and that may only be a few years away.

If you give him a place to behave that way, you will only prolong the inevitable. He'll go crying to some other relative who may tolerate his behavior, but at least you won't have a violent drunk in your home who destroys your property and threatens your safety. You didn't mention children. Imagine the effect on them.

The most important thing to understand about addiction is that it's his problem and not yours. You can't fix it. It can't be done. Only he can correct his behavior. That will happen when his mistakes make his life unlivable. He'll either stop or die. You can't predict which one. Your prayers are the only thing you can offer. Your tolerance of his behavior will only enable him to continue to misbehave.

That sucks, but if he was born blind, you'd understand that he can't see. Understand that his body craves intoxication and he can't control himself. It has nothing to do with you and your wife. It's all him. You can only remove him to an acceptable distance and hope that he learns.

Alcoholism runs in my family and I've taken more than my share of shit on this site for offering understanding of it.

The only thing you can do is protect yourselves from any harm he might cause. I strongly suggest that you and your wife visit an addiction counselor and learn a few things about what's happened to your BIL. It may help both of you to hear it from a professional and a stranger. You mentioned prayers for him in your post. There are numerous Christian addiction groups that may offer you some help.

Good luck.

I'll say a prayer for all of you.

God that sucks.  That guy has to go.

smart move OP, those situations you have to remove yourself and avoid escalating the conflict

it sounds like your house is enabling him to continue his destructive behavior. Let him know that you need him gone and put it in writing.

Cop didn't do his job.
Should have hauled him off for disorderly conduct, property damage, and if he made any threats towards you or your wife assault.
He should have spent the night in detox at least.

Good move.

OP don't beat yourself up for your PROPER actions.  You deescalated the situation to the best of your ability.  No sense confronting a belligerent and irrational adversary right then.



Now where to go from here?



As stated above.  IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS tell him he has to leave immediately.  If your wife objects (enabling his behavior), look her in the eye and tell her he has endangered her and your family for the very last time.





Reading between the lines...



He sounds like one of those privileged athlete types.  The type who were NEVER punished for their misdeeds as they were always protected because of abilities & talent.



Lastly, he ain't never going to play pro ball. NEVER.  Teams - BUSINESSES - these days avoid the problem children unless they are the next Derrick Jeeter.  If he ain't playing now, he ain't no Derrick Jeeter.

Wow, I think you did just about everything wrong in that scenario.

2 bottles of fireball, and 10 beers in approximately 20 minutes, and that didn't clue you in?

+1

I'm surprised breaking furniture doesn't constitute "domestic violence".

Get . . . him . . . out.  Start the eviction proceedings NOW.

I'm gonna keep that idea now if I have to help anyone get rid of a parasite. It's a damn good idea.

There are maybe 3 people in my life that I would even allow to move in with me, and only if they were really really on hard times.

Even then I would have a contract drawn up.

If I were you OP, I'd immediately go to court to do the following:

- restraining order/ex-parte whatever prohibiting him from threatening you all and destroying your shit
- initiate eviction proceedings
- apply for a court order mandating alcohol rehab

Remove all your weapons from anywhere he can get to, stay somewhere else for now or at the very least carry all the time.

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That is horrible. He needs to be kicked out. I would carry all the time around him if I were you. Be prepared to shoot him. I wouldn't tolerate someone getting in my wife's face and screaming. Just because he is muscled up doesn't actually mean he knows how to fight.

You need to talk to him when he is sober. Don't kick him out after he's been drinking or he'll just fly into another rage. You may actually have to shoot him then.

This

Sorry to hear about your troubles.  You either need to kick him out, or start getting yourself mentally prepared to shoot your sister's brother.

I think you don't understand what it's like to have an alcoholic loved one.

The OP did his best and he's trying to solve his problem.

I doubt they laugh about her brother being a violent alcoholic.

well said...

They do in Louisiana

That motherfucker sure can drink, damn.

"""

Yes I'm being critical, but he had about a half dozen points in that story where descalation could have occured, doors could have been locked, police could have been called sooner, etc.

I'll admit, I don't know what it's like to live with an alcoholic relative, but if it's that terrible and I've CHOSEN to live with/perpetuate that burden, then I better be prepared to stand by when people criticicize my life choices