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About 20 years ago my then mother in law was going to bring the ham.



The stupid woman shows up with nothing.

She says

Oh ... I was thinking we’d just go to the store when I got here.



Needles to say I had to phone around and find an open store .... Asian one like 20 miles away.... just to get a fuckin POS canned ham.

It was an awesome day

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my whole family is pretty much a train wreck, but my mom's sisters, well they were some especially ignorant, obnoxious loud mouthed bitches... the last family gathering at our house ended abruptly when one of them intentionally broke a brand new kitchen chair while the other one laughed about it...

my dad had reached his breaking point and told sister #1 to leave... she looked at him, dumbfounded, and asked him "are you telling me to leave?"...  my dad responded "yes, you fat cunt. get out.".  when he said that, the other sister asked "did you call her a fat cunt?"  to which the old man replied "yes, you fatter cunt. you get the fuck out too."  

hilarity ensued

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My aunt decided to host Thanksgiving for the first time one year and we pulled one of the most epic pranks of all time on this poor woman. She's not the sharpest cookie on the tree, and, well, my uncles and I are sadistic in our collective senses of humor.

She had 2 ovens in her kitchen so we turned one of the extra ones on, moved the turkey that was cooking just fine into the other oven once it reached the correct temperature and replaced the turkey with a  Cornish Game Hen.

About 20 minutes later, when she went to go check on the turkey, she opened up the oven, and a great wailing was heard throughout the house.

Everyone goes rushing into the kitchen to see what was wrong and the poor woman is in tears. Like, sobbing, wailing, gnashing of teeth, snot bubbles, the whole works.

When my grandma asked her what was wrong, she pointed at the game hen, and, through choked sobs, exclaimed "I think I turned the oven on too high and the turkey got too hot."

Grandma asks, "Why? Is it burnt?"

She says, "No. The turkey shrunk."

At this point me and my uncles are trying to stop ourselves from bursting out in laughter and had to flee the kitchen. Grandma looked at the turkey, turned around very slowly and stalked out of the kitchen.

Needless to say, grandma was less then impressed. Grandpa thought it was hilarious, everyone else spent the next hour explaining to my aunt that the turkey was just fine and that she had been pranked, then they had to spend another hour preventing her from committing brutal, but completely understandable, homicide.

Last year, we served my aunt her own game hen. She was unamused and I was thoroughly soaked by a glass of water poured on my head.

I love Turkey Day shenanigans.

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I'm the gravy chef, except for the one time I fried the turkey. Big mistake. Turkey was delicious, but no gravy.

The last year my FIL was with us he kibitzed over my shoulder while I whipped up my masterpiece. The only problem was the flour my daughter had bought to make her contribution, some cheap ass off brand from Piggly Wiggly. It coagulated into little pebbles my gravy whisk couldn't smooth out.

FIL is all , saying it just isn't Thanksgiving without gravy for the spuds.

He didn't count on the ingenuity of the ol' gravy chef. I dragged out the Waring blender, set it to "atomize" and had the last laugh.

My MIL's family had a Thanksgiving tale they'd pull out from time to time. After my MIL's father died she and her mother went to live with her uncle. He was a well to do businessman in Baltimore. One Thanksgiving the cook was bringing the turkey out and it slid off the platter and hit the floor. He said, "That's all right, Mary. Take it back to the kitchen and bring out the other turkey." She caught on, took it back and spruced it up and brought it back out.

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One of my favorite aunts tried to lick mash taters off of the end of a 120v cord that plugged into the blender after she whipped up some mash taters for a holiday meal.



Thank goodness she wasn't seriously hurt .... but that 120V on a wet tongue pretty much ruined her day.



Pro-tip - unplug all electric appliance cords before lapping up any food goodness off the end of said appliance cord

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Not going into details, I have had several thanksgivings ruined by the presence of booze and angry, bitter alcoholics...

Than there are the Thanksgiving dinners I attended where my sister-in-law was in charge of cooking...

These days I pretty much fly solo on Thanksgiving.  It's lonely. but the food is guaranteed to be good, and I don't need to deal with other peoples baggage...