I lost.  

Neither of those are funny. Fucking weird.

Bullshit. Heard this same story on internet and various places around the US. You've been had.

that is by far one of the funniest / grossest / funniest again things i have ever read in my life

what kind of tool bag refuses to use a public restroom when an emergency brews

"my trustee pee bottle"

crazy

I was with a girl in college once, we're on second or third date and had sex. First time, well, it was fast and furious but she stayed the night so we go at it a couple more times (I was 20, nowadays I would return to my movie after the first crack at it). About the third time around the block I turn her over and we're doing doggy....she has her head down in a pillow, and I notice that my bathroom door has swung open from the breeze, and the mirror is letting me see the action. Being 20, and stupid, I start going at her doing muscle poses and making silly faces in the mirror.



The breeze blows the door just a tiny bit more, just enough for her to look over and see the mirror too, and me doing Mr. Olympia pose with a stupid look on my face while I'm plowing her.



Bond, James Bond.



Velvety smooth, that's what I am.



She gave me the most boner-killing disapproving mother look I've ever received. Probably should have waited a few more dates before trying that.






 

ok i remember another one that happened, not to me but to a friend of mine who i worked and partied with when we were all of about 16 / 17 years old

my friend's name is jesse and his girlfriend or hook up at the time was named trish

we take jesse's parents subourbon out to the beach to do a little off roading / partying

trish brings her friend along so i have someone to hang out with and hopefully bed down at the end of the evening

we get the beach and drinking ensues, we surf, swim, fire, eat, ect and it's getting late

the girl brought along for me was into me and we decided that we needed to break off so i could take her down the beach and break her off

we announce we'll be back in a bit and take off and jesse replys "sweet we're using the subourbon" we both laugh and i chase this little hot piece of ass down the beach

after a couple throw down's it's been well over an hour and i figure it's about time we head back and drive to the beach house for some R&R (sand fleas suck down here)

getting back to the subourbon i gently tap on the window to make sure they have time to cover before i open, it's dark and the windows are tinted

after 10 seconds i pop open the passenger side door and the interior light comes on and lights up the whole vehicle

apparently they were going for round 2-3 because HIS HEAD POPS UP FROM BETWEEN HER LEGS AND HIS FACE IS COVERED IN BLOOD FROM HIS CHIN TO HIS HAIR



i slam the passenger door and anncounce "i am walking back to the beach house"

we joke about it now and then, his only reply is "shit man i didn't know" and my reply is usually "got some iron in your diet"

This story... Your Avatar... Soda all over my desk... Thanks.

Fortunately, this did not happen to me. A co worker of my brother was out on a date with this chick he had been talking to for a week or two at the time. They went out and had mexican food and drinks one night, and he finally managed to seal the deal the next night I believe. They start going at it and she is apparently really getting into it. She tells him to stick it in her ass and ride her from behind. He obliges and romps her rear end late into the night.

Fast forward to a few days later and he begins having a burning sensation when he pees. He doesn't know wtf is up, and a few days later the head of his dick starts turning red and burning pretty much non stop. He finally decides to call into his doctor and get it checked out. The good news- no std. The bad news- His dick apparently helped itself to a jalapeño seed that was lodged in her ass from the mexican food date they had a few nights previous. Doctor removed the seed from the head of his dick and all was good after that.

One of the best I can remember is when I was banging my ex gf's huge boobs one night because she was on the rag. She had some super nice natural 36 dd's and I thoroughly enjoyed sliding my meat in between those sweater pillows. I was about to blast and she told me to blast on her boobs. I miscalculated my aim by a handful inches or so and unleashed the first couple of blasts right across her face. She was absolutely shocked and I was trying my best to refrain from exploding with laughter. Her parents were 2 doors down, and she sent me down the hall with a dying boner to retrieve some kleenexes.

A few years ago a different girlfriend was back in town from college for the winter break and she was staying at my place for a few days. I was still with the parents at this time, but they were pretty laid back as to allowing her to stay. One night we are messing around and she just randomly asks if I have any chocolate syrup. I say yes, and run naked as can be with a swinging boner flopping all around, into the kitchen and retrieve said chocolate syrup from the fridge. She proceeds to douse my dick with a few layers of syrup, and then do her best to suck and lick me clean. In the process of applying the syrup, the actual nozzle itself contacted the head of my dick a few times. We finish up, and I slip the syrup back into the fridge without even thinking twice.

The next evening we come in from dinner, and my dad is sitting in his chair, eating a bowl of vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate syrup. I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard.

Not my story but a buddies at work. he was doing a girl "in the rear" and when he was "done" he pulled out and there was a whole lima bean stuck to the head of his cock, LOL

J-

Going at it with my HS GF and her grandpa walks in the room, looks at us, does a 180, then walks out.

Just like the Grandpa Simpson .GIF. JUST like it.

Was banging my then GF at my camp one night doggystyle. We were loaded and getting pretty athletic about it and ended up perpendicular in the bed. The bed was positioned with one side up against the wall and there was a window there and it was open about 2" to allow for some ventilation.  I had been "pushing off" against the wall for extra thrust when my foot slipped and my right little toe gets caught in the window track. This all happened VERY fast, too fast for me to get stopped and the resulting momentum of her pushing back into me resulted in my toe breaking with a very loud "SNAP!". Like a tree branch.

I was pretty drunk so I finished, walked out to get a drink, looked down and my little toe is sticking out the side of my foot at  90 degrees and I threw up.

I think his story is about me. Literally. Hey what army base? I'm tripping out because much of this lines up. So again..... What army unit?

Dated a woman with a four year old son. One night I stayed late over at her house and when she had put her son down to bed we got busy. I was behind her doing my best to bruise her cervix when I felt a small hand grab my foot and a voice asked "what are ya doin to mommy?" talk about a mood killer. His mommy was on the verge of finishing and made me promise to stay while she put him back to bed. Behind a very locked door we finished with a vengence...

Different woman we started goin at it for the first time when she says she has trouble cumming and that she has to have it a certain way to really enjoy it. I said ok whatever lets give it a go. She pulls out a fairly large 8" ish vibrating dildo complete with balls and some lube. She lubes up and slips it up her ass then cranks up the vibrator. As soon as she is done she says OK I'm ready and spreads her legs so I can go at her snatch. Once I'm in the vibration of that thing is so intense I cum in minutes. She sucks me hard then in I go again. After several rounds of this she cums and we lay there with it still going in her ass. Once she relaxes for a few minutes she tries to pull it out and it won't come out. I end up tryin to help after she decides it's stuck. After several tries I jerked it out and with it came a stream of shitty lube that hit the wall. I was like she was like and says oops that happens sometimes.

I think you quoted the wrong person.

I sure hope not.

My high school girlfriend and I used to go to the same parking lot every couple of days to have some fun. A couple of times each month a cruiser would pull in and a police officer would knock on my steamed up window to tell us to "move along". This went on for about two years.

I left for Basic Training. I came home after graduation and got pulled over. I didn't do anything wrong, the officer just wanted to make sure I was OK. He said nobody had reported chasing me off all summer and my disappearance had become a topic of conversation among the officers that worked that area. He looked at my girlfriend and said he was glad to see we were still together (I didn't live in this town and didn't know any local cops aside from being run off every so often). My girlfriend turned bright red in embarrassment. I didn't quite know what to make of this. I wasn't sure if I should be proud of my status as the local stud or worried that all the local cops instantly recognized my car. I felt uneasy.....almost violated for lack of a better word, that local cops tracked my sex life for their own entertainment. I'm sure their nights got boring. I guess it gave them something to talk about. It was odd.

As he walked away I heard him key the mic of his walkie-talkie and say, "You'll never guess who I just found...."

I never went back to that parking lot again.

same thing happened to me, me and my girl doing on the couch in the family room step dad walks in, doesnt say a word and turns aboutface and walks out, lol

J-

I don't know why but that is hilarious!

A little history first.....

My buddy and I worked at the local hospital for about 3 years together. In those 3 years we successfully tagged almost every piece of hot ass in that hospital. We literally could not go anywhere in the hospital without running into someone we had gotten with. This wasn't homo shit, we did the deed at seperate times.

Well one day I'm walking down in OB and I see this SMOKIN blonde working down there. I strike up a convo with her and she tells me she just moved here and blah, blah blah. I couldn't stop starring at her twins. So right away I call my buddy in Lab and tell him about her. He tries running his game and she eventually agrees to go out with us one night.

Before I start rambling, I'll get to the point. We start dating and this girl is a FREAK. She tried to play the whole innocent thing but she was so far from that. Very eager and always willing to try new things, I had a lot of fun with her. We date for about 8 months. Towards the end of that 8 months, I get the feeling she is cheating on me. Acting distant, always hiding her phone, and never wanting to spend as much time with me. Come to find out my assumptions are true. I get pictures sent to me from a cousin that sees her at a party blowing another guy. Oh well. That's over.

Well this guy is a dbag. Always trying to rub it in my face that he is with her. Frankly I didn't care, she was a whore anyways.

Fast forward to the annual Hospital Christmas Party.

My buddy and I are both drunk and he is trying to get with this Nurse. There is this Administrative lady (cougar) there that I always see in the hallways but never knew who she was, she always looked good but tonight she was looking GREAT. I don't know how old she was but I'm guessing in her late 30's early 40's.

We are flirting all night and she ends up needing a ride home. She insists that I take her home last (I know where this is going). After the last person gets dropped off she immediately gets tired and needs a "lap nap". We get to her apartment and she gets on top of me and starts riding me. My truck has a 60/40 front seat so I put the middle part down and start going to town on her. Eventually it gets crammed for some of the positions she wants me to put her in so we decide to go in her house.

We literally go at it until the sun starts coming up. around 12-1 PM we hear something in her kitchen. She freaks out and the first thing that pops into my mind is, "Shit, the husband is probably grabbing a knife to cut my balls off." She leans over and says, "be quiet I thnk my son is home".

Two things start running through my mind, first, how old is this "son". Because if she didn't know if he was home or not, he has got to be old enough to take care of him self. Second, has he been here all night or did he just get home?

I slowly and quietly start getting dressed and work my way out of her bedroom. I'm trying my hardest to sneak out of her place when her son rounds the corner and I bump into him...........

Her "son" is the same douchebag that is laying pipe in my ex. The look on his face was absolutely priceless. That isn't even the kicker, he is wearing a pair of shorts and nothing else. My guess is that he was home all night, woke up, and came upstairs for a little breakfast/lunch. Which means he got to listen to me rail his mom all night long.

You may have got my girl, but I got your mom, bitch.

Oh thats good!

If that story is true, you win the thread.

nice.  real nice.

  OUT OF    

/thread

There I am. Thinking that my (old) roommate is gone for the night with his girlfriend. Turns out they got in a fight and he picked up another chick out of anger and brought her home. I didn't know, because I was in my room with a (third) date when he came home. Her and I got it on a couple times. At the end of the last time I pulled out and aimed for her belly button, but ended up being a random time of extreme power. It made a sound through the air, and struck her in the eye with a pretty distinct noise. It hit her pretty hard right in the eyes.

She goes into panic mode from blindness and I try to help her through the door and get into the bathroom, but she said it was okay and run into the hall. As it was our third date, and the first not at a neutral location, she had only used the restroom once since she got there. Where she was supposed to turn left, she turned right... into my roommates room.

It was that moment that I heard the screaming.

A man screaming, and what sounded like two women? How was that possible, I thought. I put on shorts off the floor and walked over. The girl I was with had turned tail and ran into the bathroom, the girl he was with was fully clothed,  carrying her bra, had a fresh cut on the side of forehead and asked me, "do I go left or right to get back to (Main street)?" I told her it was a left. I knocked on the door of the bathroom, and she said she was doing alright, just startled. So I walk into my roommates room.

Apparently he had started bawling while hooking up with the girl he brought back. She stayed with him for a bit and put her clothes back on. While she was standing near his door, my date burst through it, naked and holding her face, covered in spunk and blind, and hit the other girl in the face with her swinging entrance.

First time a girl asked me to use anal bead on her. I was a frosh in college. I put them in slowly, then pulled them out like I was starting a lawn mower. Bad idea, blood and poo every where. I just left.

punch yourself in the face.

If your going to make an old and over used joke, please check the thread to make sure it hasn't already been made three times or more.

Oh, you must be TwistedSister's ex.     Tell us more.



 

I was up in Rockville Md, hanging out with my girlfriend at the time. There was a cemetery where the tombstones lied flat on the ground, covering the whole grave. Well, being the kinky sort that we were, we went right at it on the biggest one that we could find, just after the sun went down.

I would just like everyone to know, I may be the only male in America that hasn't used anal beads or pulled them out like I was starting a lawnmower.









 
 

im right there with ya

I haven't either. I've done a lot of really fucked up shit, never done that.

When I was an Emergency Room doctor in a large hospital, I had a young lady bring in a young man for treatment.  He  had managed to swallow a set of large anal beads, but the string was hanging out of his mouth.

He was too frightened about swallowing the string to speak, so she told me what happened.  It seems that the young lady was somewhat adventurous and had him insert the beads into her anus during their session of sexual activity.  During cotius he had managed to lube up and insert 4 of them, however since  she was approaching climax she told him to pull the beads out.  He apparently didn’t know what he was doing because he grabbed the string, wrapped it around his hand and pulled them out like he was starting a chainsaw.

The girl was so upset at the fecal matter hanging from her ceiling fan and the massive amount of rectal pain she was in, that she shoved the beads down his throat, even though they were liberally coated with her excrement.

I grasped the situation and my medical training immediately kicked in, and instead of possibly injuring him trying to retrieve an entire string of objects from the esophagus, I quietly suggested that she have the young man swallow the string, and then drink a half gallon mixture of sodium phosphate and magnesium citrate.  Then I suggested that she assist her young inexperienced friend with the coming explosive and fluid bowel movements by helping him to gently wipe himself to keep from getting too raw.  I also instructed her that at the first sign of a string hanging from the young man’s anus, she should wrap her hand around it and suddenly yank on it like she was starting a lawn mower.

She thanked me for my understanding to their dilemma and left with an Rx for the colon prep solution.  By the time she was out the ER door, I realized that I forgot to ask her for her phone number.  She seemed like a nice girl and that she would have been fun on a date.  









Guys, If you are going to repeat some old ass barracks bullshit – at least try and be creative with it, OK?  

In my younger days while still living with the parents...
They were gone for the night... did the gf in my bed the red tide was flowing, put a towel down and must have moved around too much...
Mom went to wash my sheets the next day and ....
The old cut myself in bed story... but I could not prove I bled like a stuck pig...

A couple stories...both from the same girl

First one...back in high school her parents had an open door rule.  Door was about halfway open and her bed was on the wall so that when you were in the doorway you could see the top of the bed by the pillows, but not further down.  First time ever this girl is blowing me and right as I hit my peak I look at the door only to realize her 9 year old is staring me in the face.  She couldn't see what her sister was doing, but somehow knew she probably shouldn't come in so she walked away.  Worst fucking orgasm ever locking eyes with her.

Second one was a year or so later...she decided she wanted to try anal.  I oblige and I hit it from behind...finish and as I pull out I feel something hit the sheets.  I'm already starting to get sick...I tell her not to move as I go and turn on the lights.  Staring me right in the face is a little shit nugget.  First and last time I've ever done that one.

Speaking of anal beads, a buddy of mine was telling me about his experience with them. He's a North Georgia country boy, and he said, "Right when I started a cummin', she commenced to pull them thangs out, and it felt like a covey of quail flyin' out of my ass." I laugh every time I think about it!

The "anal beads like a lawnmower" is actually code for "I've never seen a naked woman in real life.  I only play a non-virgin on the Internet."

When her mom caught us was kind of embarrassing, but nearly as bad as when her mom started telling the story at a wedding reception...



Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

Quite a few of these stories have been re-told by quite a few different people.For example I've heard the "Jalapeno seed." story at least 15 times from several different people.Me thinks people are fibbing on these here internetz.

Check the join dates and post counts. Methinks someone is trolling

The first time a girl asked me to choke her I didn't really understand and was kinda plastered so tried to strangle her until she bucked me from the bed.  That was interesting.

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

I'm sitting at the local bar one night, flying solo and just nursing some beer. Guy I know from seeing him at the bar comes hustling in the front door. He looks around, sees me and makes a beeline for me.

"Hey, man, I need a favor."

I'm thinking he needs to borrow some money but no. He had gone out with his roomate but the roommate had gotten stinkin' plowed so he took him home and went back to the local meat market. That's where he met these 2 chicks. Now they were up for a party but not a 3-way so he needed a wingman. After assurances that BOTH chicks were of a doable nature I follow him back to the other bar. They're still there and surprisingly still unaccompanied as they WERE both doable. We have a couple drinks and it's back to his place for some fun.

He takes one into his room and me and the other girl start going at it on the couch. HARD. I'm surised we didn't break a pelvis. Now on the other side of the wall from the couch is the passed out roommates bed. Did you know that a man will wake from a drunken stupor when a picture falls off it's hook and hits him in the head gashing it open? Well he will.

So the roommate is now wide awake, still drunk and bleeding profusely. He comes out into the living room to yell at his buddy for knocking the picture down. He's never met me. Doesn't know me from Adam. Upon seeing 2 strangers fucking on his couch he goes into protect the house mode, grabs me by the shoulders and RIPS me out of this girl, spins me around and starts asking me what the fuck I think I'm doing at a very high volume level. Noticing something missing the girl turns around and sees a half naked man covered in blood yelling at her current fuck puppet and SCREAMS.

By this time my buddy has untangled himself from his lust interest and the both come running out to see what the fuss is about. So we have 2 naked men with rock hard dicks, one half naked man covered in blood and 2 naked girls who are starting to wish they had never gone out that night.  Buddy gets the roommate calmed down, everybody gets dressed quickly and the girls leave. We're sitting there cleeaning up roommate head and putting a butterfly on it when there's a knock at the door. Yep, it's the cops. So now it's just 3 guys with no shirts on. One of them still bloodstained and the police asking what the fuck is going on.

"That's a long story, Officer."

Went to my college girlfriends parents house for Christmas. Her parents left for something and we started going at like crazed weasels.
Her dad came back just in time to her her screaming "fuck my ass, fuck it hard!!".
He yelled down the hall "if I could only get your mother to do that". I just about puked from laughing so hard.
Her Dad was a cool guy, I miss him. Dinner was a little awkward.

this one time, and band camp, i knew a girl that had a thing for her flute, her girl parts, and beads.  how was i to know you can't rip them out like you're starting an outboard?


OP, edit your first post to something like "no, you didn't remove beads from any girl as if you were starting [insert preferred piece of 2 stroke equipment here].

When I was 16, I had what I still consider the hottest girlfriend I've ever seen.  Brunette, long curly hair, size 2, 36DD, and an ass that just wouldn't quit.  

Ok here is mine...... A buddy of mine had a "Party house" it was the place that everybody went and partied. Well there was a chick that was a friend of friend that was always hitting on me.... Now she was cute but I had my eye on a few other better prospects. Well one night she challenges me to go shot for shot with her, I know where it is headed but I decieded what the hell there was nothing better around that night. She breaks out a bottle of Southern Comfort and we start drinking and drinking and drinking. We polished that bottle off and by that time I was ready to go! We go upstairs, start going at it and I am pounding it like a rockstar. Only one prob.... I have a wisky dick like you cannot belive and I CANNOT get off. I am trying all the tricks eyes closed thinking of Pamela Anderson (it was the 90's) talking dirty you name it. Well I finally getting to the point that I am gonna finish it off and I am pounding it hard and I see her eyes get a panicked look, she starts clawing to get to the side of the bed, I am pounding it hard and keep pulling her back, suddenly her mouth EXPLODES vomit all over. I mean it launches out of her mouth all over her face and chest, the bed, spews over the side onto the floor. All the while I am going to town on her...... well I was  JUST ABOUT TO CUM. Now you may have done something a little different but I was 23 or so, drunk and horny as hell.... what did I do? I kept on pounding that till I finished, got up wiped my dick off and left her there in a pool of her vomit on some dude's bed. God I was a A-hole back then.

 

God damn!

best dupe ever!