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Posted: 12/11/2011 7:04:38 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/11/2011 7:15:18 PM EST by maleante]
Well, not exactly... but that could have been the worst case scenario.

According to the police report, the husband was lying on the couch in his living room when his wife noticed her $15,000 ring was missing from the place she normally kept it.

...grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him...

...she put down the knife and walked over to him as he lay on the couch, the report said. She reached down and "firmly" grabbed his left testicle and refused to let go, authorities said.

The police report stated that she held on for about two minutes before finally releasing her grip.
When authorities arrived at the scene, a photo of the testicle showed red marks and bruises.


Picture by mustardtiger

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:05:45 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:06:31 PM EST
They'd have had to take me to jail.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:07:44 PM EST
My balls hurt just by reading that.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:09:08 PM EST
Originally Posted By Jarhead_22:
They'd have had to take me to jail.

And clean her remains off the carpet.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:11:17 PM EST
Couple 12-6 elbows to the face or fingers into the eyes and she'd let go
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:11:39 PM EST
She looks like Kathy Bates playing Annie Wilkes in "Misery".
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:12:42 PM EST
"Look at my balls, officer! LOOK AT THEM."
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:13:47 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:13:52 PM EST
"I was in fear of great bodily harm. I wish to speak with an attorney. My chest hurts, will you call me an ambulance?"
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:15:05 PM EST
That's just nuts.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:15:06 PM EST
Fat vile whore.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:17:48 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:19:37 PM EST
My brother's second wife did something similar to him twice (grabbed his family jewels).
The first time he told her to never do it again.
The second time she did it he knocked her out with a fist.
She filed charges on him and a judge evicted him from their home with the kids.
That was about 20 years ago. Times may have changed but domestic violence can be one hellacious mess for a family.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:19:50 PM EST
Those are the craziest googly eyes I've ever seen.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:20:12 PM EST
I screamed after reading the headline.

I screamed like a little bitch.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:20:14 PM EST
Winner of the most painfully exaggerated thread title of the day.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:22:32 PM EST

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:28:46 PM EST
No cross-eyed jokes yet? Come on people.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:29:27 PM EST
15 K$ ring for THAT?
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:36:38 PM EST
I don't even have balls and that hurt. What the crap?!
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:36:38 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/11/2011 7:37:31 PM EST by Furious]

True story:

I have a close friend named Travis who was assaulted by his ex-girlfriend. She stalked him at his home one night and found his new girfriends car there. She started by bashing the windshield then when Travis came out to stop her (wearing only boxers) he pushed her down and stood over her screaming. She grabbed his balls and yanked as hard as she could ripping one out of his sack. She then calmly left.
He was in ICU for a few days after that while they tried to save his balls. I remember him cussing at me when I would make him laugh because it hurt. He used to show people the blood stains on his hardwood floor and say "that's when my balls got ripped off". This all happened back in the early 90s.

What I gathered from this is to NEVER date the crazy.

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:37:00 PM EST

That woman is herp derp strong!
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:44:18 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/11/2011 7:45:36 PM EST by stickfigure]
I would have kicked that bitch's eye straight.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:44:51 PM EST
never trust a woman with a wonky eye
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:46:30 PM EST
Reminds me of the subpoena joke.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:48:58 PM EST

Originally Posted By Billmanweh:
never trust a woman with a wonky eye

Seems like a good rule of thumb.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:53:26 PM EST

Maybe she was looking in the wrong place for the ring.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:54:38 PM EST
Florida is the Capitol of Crazy.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:54:40 PM EST
Originally Posted By hdhogman:
15 K$ ring for THAT?

That's what I was going to post. That guy must have the worst luck in history when it comes to getting tail to marry that.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:55:24 PM EST
That's not how you give a handjob.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:55:29 PM EST
The eyes just do not get any crazier than that.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 7:55:50 PM EST
I guess she got a bit testy.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:04:02 PM EST
How the deuce do you get a smiley face in a poll?
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:15:45 PM EST
She is a lazy eyed dike. Trust me.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:21:02 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:23:04 PM EST

Originally Posted By jmhat98:

I lol'd
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:27:40 PM EST

Originally Posted By DisplayName:
She is a lazy eyed dike dikfer. Trust me.

So THAT'S what a dikfer is.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:28:05 PM EST

What's she lookin' at?
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:35:48 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 8:39:47 PM EST
Originally Posted By geekz0r:

Maybe she was looking in the wrong place for the ring.

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 10:01:38 PM EST
Originally Posted By RCJ:
"Look at my balls, officer! LOOK AT THEM."

Link Posted: 12/11/2011 11:45:40 PM EST
Why would any one in their right mind pay 15k for a ring??? Hell, you could buy 5 M4's and a shit pot of ammo for that much money.
Link Posted: 12/11/2011 11:53:20 PM EST
...and then she yelled I AM A BOY DAMON!
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:16:47 AM EST
After working a 16 hour day,she was tired of coming home and finding him on the sofa.
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:22:05 AM EST
That right eye seems problematic
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:36:57 AM EST
Where's that damn "do not want" pic?
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:38:05 AM EST
Daym!!!!! That bitch could pick apples and look for snakes at the same time!!!!
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:49:03 AM EST
Her left eye must be really interesting. Her right eye keeps looking at it.
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 12:51:15 AM EST
That would hurt. Bitch would get knocked out, and I don't hit women. Well, once, and in a similar situation.

If any of you were around in the 1980s and a teen around oh, say 16 years old, you'll understand. One of the horrible fashions or that time for guys, were these silk looking shorts. Sure, they were comfortable, and on girls, looked absolutely fantastic, but in retrospect, were not real manly on us. Anyway. I was at the river house with my girlfriend and her cousin. We'd been drinking and swimming and other things and I got tired, and I passed out on the recliner under the a/c. Cousin, hot as she was, decides it's a bright idea to get a lighter and see how flammable my nuts were.

Answer? Nuts are indeed flammable when shorts are set on fire first. Drunk bitch was down there trying to blow the fire out. I just felt warm at first, and cracked open an eye to see her on her knees between my legs with her lips half an inch from my pecker. Heaven right? Until, the intense pain actually woke me up. I leaned forward and swung for the nearest thing to my pain, hitting her in the chin as she tried to stand up and knocking her out cold.Then I noticed the actual fire that had spread rapidly along my groin area. In less than a second, the girlfriend threw a glass of water on it, putting it out. I was pissed. I did receive restitution from the cousin about a week after the incident. So I guess all went well.
Link Posted: 12/12/2011 1:02:04 AM EST
[Last Edit: 12/12/2011 1:02:50 AM EST by cgrant26]

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