User Panel
Posted: 10/5/2011 12:12:09 AM EDT
Got any funny drunk stories?
I had a couple of friends (married couple [no pics]) who would have me over for dinner frequently. One night he and I stayed up shooting the shit, polishing off 2 very nice (if rather immature) bottles of red zinfandel. Come bed time I washed it down with a glass of milk. Big mistake. I was on the sofa and the room started doing some seriously silly things. I cast off the sleeping bag and staggered down the hallway. I barely got to their bathroom in time. There I was, losing every thing (including the last shreds of my dignity) when I heard her dulcet tones from the bedroom, singing an old Dr. Demento song, "Fish Heads." So who else has some funny stories of inebriation (drug- or alcohol- induced insanity are allowed). |
|
woke up in the morning one time when the whole Obamacare thing was happening and I was drinking a LOT the night before. Wife told me that in the middle of the night I stood up and started peeing on the floor. She yelled WTF ARE YOU DOING. I replied something along the lines of "Its okay the commies haven't passed the pee bill yet" then went and finished in the bathroom and went back to bed. I don't remember a damn bit of this but apparently it happened. The wife was pissed and made me go rent a carpet cleaner early the next morning while I was all hung over.
|
|
I went to bed one time with a smokin hottie... woke up in the morning next to a beached whale..... its like magic
|
|
Crashed at a house party a few years ago, after a long night of evan williams and other assorted debauchery. Many on the floor passed out, all the beds and couches were taken, I had myself a spot on the floor. My buddy had a spot on the couch. Evidently, in the middle of the night, I got up, walked to the (closed) window, unzipped, pissed ALL over it, re-zipped, turned around, began walking back to my spot, turned around again towards the window, smacked the sill (to flush), then proceeded back to my spot. Little sleepwalking episode that was witnessed by my buddy.
Some poor bastard woke up a little later covered in my piss. |
|
Started a Boom Truck at a house party, rode the bucket like a champ.
Never got invited to one of his parties ever again. Threatened to Puke on the table at a diner...cause they didnt serve eggs benedict. (I dont like Eggs benedict when im sober, i think its disgusting..but when Im drunk hell yeah!) That one made Texts From Last Night Wings Over Storrs on UCONN Campus had to put up a sign "No restrooms!" Because one night I insisted there was one in the kitchen while unzipping my pants. |
|
I would be asked by the owner of a bar I frequented if I was drinking or driving and when I chose driving he made me a DD. One night he asked me to take this drunk chic home so I loaded her up and she tells me she lives in the next town over, but it was only ten miles away.
When we get there I ask where she needs to go and when we get close to her house she is like "oh shit" and she has me pull in the back alley to let her out. Her very pissed off, jealous, truck driving husband got home about 12 hours early and guess who gets blamed for her being drunk. I'm just glad he was throwing bricks and not lead at my truck as I was making my getaway. One night I gave this woman a ride home and when she went to get out of my truck she never took her feet out of the truck. She turned, leaned out and preceeded to face plant in a gravel driveway, skinned her face and elbows up pretty bad. |
|
One time my buddy and I were walking home from a very good party where we got very drunk. We were walking down a very steep road when we found an abandoned tire in a yard and decided it needed to roll down the hill. We gave it a good shove and I immediately had the sober moment of "Oh fuck! That could hit an oncoming car and hurt someone!" Fortunately, it went about 100 feet, hit a curb, bounced about 10 feet in the air, over a parked car in a driveway without hitting it, then bounced several times in someone's front yard before coming to stop in another driveway
Another time, my friends and I got plastered on 151. I went to bed on my buddy's couch since I didn't feel up to walking home. My friend's roommate went to the bathroom then came back to his bed to find our other plastered friend asleep in his bed. He said "Hey man, you need to go back to the couch." "FUCK YOU, THIS IS MY BED!" He woke up his roommate who convinced the guy to go back to the couch and we threw a blanket over him. Next morning at breakfast we said "Hey, you remember anything about last night?" "No, not really." "Do you remember getting naked and getting in X's bed?" "WTF, no!" "Yeah dude, you did."... 151 was banned from our group for a while. Another time we were drinking hooch - fruit salad soaked in a handle of everclear and a handle of 151 + 3 gallons of bug juice. My friend was shitfaced and got cut off. He started moving very slowly (in drunk time) toward the tupperware tub and said "They can't see me!" at which point we said "yes we can" at which point he tried to dive behind the couch, but landed on the extended foot rest of my lay-z-boy, spinning it around and knocking over a lamp which shattered the bulb on the floor and left him sprawled in the hallway. At another party we had a keg of Newcastle. Some asshole stole the tap so the next morning we had half a keg of beer. Rather than turn it in full, we figured out how to open it with a multitool and poured the remainder into jugs which were consumed before hitting up waffle house. |
|
Quoted:
Evidently arfcom likes to pee on things. Yup. My first time drinking jager freshman year in college... I could have sworn that the sound hole on my acoustic guitar leaning on the wall was a urinal. I woke up to find the guitar half filled with piss. |
|
Cincinnati, New Year's Eve. At a friend's place, very drunk.
A friend calls and says he got his car stuck on ice. We walk out there and he's high centered on a big patch of ice, so 4 of us shove it sideways into a parking spot. Mid way into it, a cop pulls up. Cop: "WTF are you doing?" Drunken phurba: "Parallel parking!" Cop: "Have you been drinking?" Drunken phurba: "Yes I have, thank you for noticing!" Cop: "Are you driving?" Drunken phurba: "No sir, I'm shoving." Cop: "Carry on" *drives away* |
|
Well I vomited between my bed and the wall a few days ago and passed out...not so funny. I had to replace all my bedding and clean up the huge dried pool of God knows what that crusted my floor. Luckily, only a little sploosh got on the mattress.
I honestly can't think of any funny drunk stories, despite having been totally wasted on many occasions. I guess it's because I usually drink by myself. |
|
Ice fishing about 10 years ago....First time i ever dove head first into beer and liquor.
Did about 6 funnels in 2 hours on a empty stomach. It was about 10pm and i passed out in my buddies car. They continued to party while i puked my brains out leaning out his car freezing my ass off and trying to keep warm. Well about 2 hours into blacking out i had to shit something fierce. Got out of the car stumbled around for a shitter and only found a snow bank, fuck it i thought it will do. Shit my brains out(yes i made this a poop thread) and realized that i had no TP. Fuck it, i turned around and found some clean snow and wiped my ass clean, all while piss drunk. Get back in the car and contined to freeze my ass off and puke until there was nothing left. About 4 hours later(seemed like eternity) my now wife(only a high school friendthen ) came and got me and dropped me off at my dads house. Finally got home and walked across the brand spanking new white carpet they installed and crawled to my room. Well about 2 hours later i woke up and puked all over the floor and in my bed. I would normally try and make it to the bathroom but i was still too shit faced to get up. Woke up with a hangover from hell and cleaned up the puke before my old man beat my ass for puking all over my self and the floor. Too this day im surprised i made it home without hypothermia. I remember sitting in that car shivering and thought i was going to die. |
|
Freshmen Year...Bottle of Jager down.
Opened my door and puked into the hallway. At this point I grabbed a bunch of paper towels and tried cleaning up all while slurring to my RA that my roomate had too much to drink and made me puke for him. |
|
I was walking down the street one night when young and was drunk as a skunk.
I must have been staggering and I hear behind me "sir, are you ok". I yell out "none of your damn business". The voice gets louder and I turn around. It is a cop. (He let me go after I apologized. ) |
|
After my first experience with Jagermeister, I gagged if I smelled anything similar. I couldn't even drink diet pepsi for a few weeks because it reminded me of it (the Jager) somehow.
I don't know how that shit produces such a rotten hangover. Same with Tequila...if I tap in to a bottle of that I feel like I have significant neurological damage the next day(s). Quoted: Freshmen Year...Bottle of Jager down. Opened my door and puked into the hallway. At this point I grabbed a bunch of paper towels and tried cleaning up all while slurring to my RA that my roomate had too much to drink and made me puke for him. |
|
Quoted:
I went to bed one time with a smokin hottie... woke up in the morning next to a beached whale..... its like magic Damn, me too. They musta swapped places after we did the nasty. nevermind. |
|
Worked with a guy that when he and his wife would drink strange things happened. One day at work he was obviously in distress. Finally he told us him and the misses got drunk and he lost a bet and had to shave his crotch and the itching was driving him bonkers.
|
|
Few years back I'm out drinking with a good friend and we end up having a few too many. We get outside after last call, and he's like, "Man, I shouldn't drive..." So we call someone for a ride –– but –– the bar we're at is known for towing cars that are left overnight. So we spot a big open parking lot adjacent to us on the other side of the street, so we decide to just drive it across the street and leave it there until the next day. So in the morning we take my car to go to look for the truck. Well we're driving up and down this stretch of road for like an hour, like "where the fuck is that lot, none of this looks familiar..." So we're sitting at a light scratching our heads just sort of watching all these little kids playing at recess on this big playground, when we realize the "jungle gym" strongly resembles a red F-250. Yeah, we parked the truck in the middle of an elementary school playground. Lucky it was still there.
|
|
Looks like I am missing out on a whole lotta fun not being a drunk.
|
|
Freshman year of college I got invited to a sorority formal with this girl I had a thing for. A guy on my floor decided it would be a good idea for us to drink a bottle of rum in 20 minutes ab out an hour or so before. So obviously I'm loaded by the time I get there which did not impress the girl. So that pretty much killed that chance. The next day I woke up in the hallway outside my room with no memory of how I got there.
Later some things were pieced together for me, but definitely blew it with the chick.
|
|
My first Annual Training with the National Guard. They had an MWR bus, that would take us from Camp Grayling, to Traverse City, to go hang out on the beach for the day. It also went to the TC Mall, where everybody but myself, and my battle buddy went. Once the bus dropped us off, the first thing we did was road march about 4 miles back the way we had come, to the 7-11, and bought a 12 pack, which we drank on the way back.
We found a wine store, and bought a bottle of some cherry wine, wasn't bad. After consuming all our beer and wine, we decided to go to the bar... whereupon, everybody bought us shots. From what my buddy said, We were apparently approached by a couple hotties, but I was so wasted off bourbon by this point, that rather than try to get laid, or get a phone number, I pretty much told em to fucking leave me alone, and passed out My buddy ended up carrying me over his shoulder about a mile down to the beach, and proceeded to hook up with BOTH girls, LOL. The "chaperone" on the bus, when it got there to pick us up, turned out to be the CO's nephew..... DOH So needless to say, he wasn't too pleased when we got back. |
|
Quoted:
Looks like I am missing out on a whole lotta fun not being a drunk. Let me guess... All your stories end with, "and then I got home." |
|
Quoted:
Quoted:
Looks like I am missing out on a whole lotta fun not being a drunk. Let me guess... All your stories end with, "and then I got home." Of course, being the sober guy, and watching everybody else's drunken shenanigans can be quite amusing... |
|
I passed out in a Denny's one time, somewhere between 4 and 5 am, after a long stretch of pre-game / bar / titty bar, woke up to find my buddies had left, it was noon, and there was sharpie all over my face. The waitresses applauded when I stood up.
Needless to say, payback was in order, and delivered |
|
Quoted: I would be asked by the owner of a bar I frequented if I was drinking or driving and when I chose driving he made me a DD. One night he asked me to take this drunk chic home so I loaded her up and she tells me she lives in the next town over, but it was only ten miles away. When we get there I ask where she needs to go and when we get close to her house she is like "oh shit" and she has me pull in the back alley to let her out. Her very pissed off, jealous, truck driving husband got home about 12 hours early and guess who gets blamed for her being drunk. I'm just glad he was throwing bricks and not lead at my truck as I was making my getaway. One night I gave this woman a ride home and when she went to get out of my truck she never took her feet out of the truck. She turned, leaned out and preceeded to face plant in a gravel driveway, skinned her face and elbows up pretty bad. Can I have my bricks back? |
|
We were having a rather loud barracks party (already been visited by the MP's) when someone came up with the bright idea to go on a mission to steal 1-16 Infintry's mascot. We got in full battle rattle (minus weapons or uniforms, just the body armor and helmet) and haul ass over to their Barracks where we are busted by brigade staff duty doing his rounds. A guy in my squad dove over a bush head first and knocked himself cold as we scattered to keep from getting arrested. Hung over as hell, we got to stand in formation to explain our shenanigans to our CSM. 30 and 30. Yeah that sucked.
|
|
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Looks like I am missing out on a whole lotta fun not being a drunk. Let me guess... All your stories end with, "and then I got home." Of course, being the sober guy, and watching everybody else's drunken shenanigans can be quite amusing... This +1 I'm a long distance drinker, I hate being drunk so I will take my time and just enjoy myself so I end up watching all the stupid shit the drunks do. Watched as one of the guys pierced his ballsack in order to get a BJ from a pretty hot chick, he never did get that BJ. |
|
I have fed snack food to dogs and then apologized to them, argued theology, sat in one place complaining my hair felt funny, and scratched my nose until people told me it would fall off if I kept scratching.
I've also said some really cruel things to my friends when drunk, which is why I'll now stop at 2 something+cokes. My friends are better people than me, I wouldn't have invited me back. |
|
Woke up in Vegas after a bender to find a pair of pantyhose full of M&M's on the bed and my pockets full of uprooted weeds and leaves.
There was two pairs of shoes on the balcony, one of which had a 20 in it. I have no idea what I did. |
|
I pissed in the dryer one time. It was full of clean clothes.
|
|
I closed the local bar with my friend Tom. The town was totally silent as we walked home, so he shouted at the top of his lungs, "I'M GONNA GO SMOKE POT!"
I grabbed his arm and pointed to the house across the street. "Tom, my friend Brian lives there and he's a sergeant on the police." He looked at me for a second, then yelled out, "NO I'M NOT!" I don't know how I made it home, I was laughing so hard. |
|
Quoted:
Evidently arfcom likes to pee on things. It's how we establish dominance around here. |
|
Quoted:
Red zinfandel? WTF? It was the day I discovered just how bad a wine hangover can get. |
|
MANY years ago I got a phone call from a MUCH younger girl asking ME out! ( She was 27ish I was 45ish). I tried to reason my way out of it but the little head was speaking louder than the big head.
We went to the comedy club where she seemed to try to out drink me –– she didn't weigh much more than 110. We left early and she was sloppy drunk. We ended up at a motel and when I got out to go register I hit the door lock out of habit. Midway through checking in I heard the car alarm going off. I went outside to find she had opened the car door to puke and watched as she took a headder right into the pile of puke! She busted her nose and scraped her head. I finished registering and got her up to the room where she promptly passed out. What a waste, but it is funny as hell now. |
|
The last time we went to the beach a few years ago, we were staying in a hotel that, conveniently, was next to a bar. We all got really drunk.
When we went back to the room, I felt like I needed a nap. So, because I know the rules about sleeping with your clothes on, I took my shoes and socks off before catching 20 minutes of sleep. I woke up, sat upright, and exclaimed, "I GOT THIS!" And then I left. Just ran right out the door. My very pregnant and very sober wife is now very confused about what I'm doing. So she goes after me. I am nowhere to be found. When I fully regain consciousness, I am back in the bar. Barefoot. The floor is sticky, and I have to pee. Rather than turn around, I think, "OK, this is OK. Just play it off. Be cool. Just be cool." So I marched straight to the bathroom, stood barefoot in a puddle of urine and had about the longest piss ever. Then I marched straight back to the hotel room. My wife was initially shocked, and I explained what happened. Then she glances down at my feet and sees them still moist from the urine and spilled booze. I said, "Who gives a fuck? It's sterile!" She yells at me that I'm not allowed back into the room until I clean my feet. I said, "I'm too drunk to clean my feet." So my wife, God bless her, gets down on her knees and proceeds to clean my feet with soap on paper towels while I sit outside the hotel room, laughing my ass off. My brother got me a beer while I sat there. We stayed up drinking well into the morning. Since then, everyone on that trip gives me shit about, "I GOT THIS!" |
|
Quoted:
Quoted:
Evidently arfcom likes to pee on things. Yup. My first time drinking jager freshman year in college... I could have sworn that the sound hole on my acoustic guitar leaning on the wall was a urinal. I woke up to find the guitar half filled with piss. You win! Very unique! I drank from 1969 to 1996. I saw many strange things & did a few Myself. The few things I don't remember were probably the wackiest. 1983 The most wasted I ever was (I actually blacked out & was told later about My antics), I consumed at least: 10 Quba libres (sp)? (some kind of rum concoction) 10 shots of Teh-Killya 10 draft beers All on an empty stomach. I called this combo a "Gonzo", inspired by Hunter S Thompson. This behavior was observed by a sober companion. The main problem was I did this in the All Ranks Club @ Richenbacher ANG Base while TDY for an ORE!!! (I never again began a night by buying a round for the bar!) My room dog & I were herded back to the room by Our sober Savior (Thank You "Casey" Jones, wherever You are!!!) The SP's were punding on doors @ 0100, looking for Us by name. They gave-up 2 doors away. At 0700 , the Flight Line Super called Us in to inquire about the antics We performed as We were herded back to the room. I plead ignorance & along with My squeaky clean record, I dodged the bullet & was lucky to keep My stripe. That 12 hour shift was brutal, with much ribbing from My work Mates & knowing smiles from all the NCO's. . When the Roach Coach showed-up @ 1000, I went on the attack & spent about $15 on crap to fill My gut. The last thing I remember as I left the Club was smashing a glass on the front outside wall by the entrance. We watched TV the rest of the trip. The Ol' Crew Chief |
|
Camping in the Laguna Mountains north of Diego.
Time to cook dinner. Dave had picked up some new charcol called Match Light, siad it lights itself. Heads into the tent for the farmer matches. Richie is filling up the Coleman and has about a half cup or so of white gas left over. Pours it on the charcol. Dave comes out of the tent, lights a match, touchs the charcol with it and WHOOOOOOM the whole fucking thing goes up in flame. He jumps back with a suprised look on his face and exclaims.......Fucking works!!!!! We about fucking die laughing.... |
|
I can't remember most of the good ones. You'd have to ask the witnesses. |
|
Went camping with some old high school friends. Drank WAY too much. Everyone was asleep but me and one guy, he was worse off than I was.
There was a big tree perfect for climbing above everyone's tents. He dared me to climb up it. I got about 30 ft up and had a sudden urge to pee. I unintentionally peed on someone's tent from 30 ft up in a tree. Everyone laughed about it, but they never invited me to hang out again. |
|
Quoted:
Quoted:
Red zinfandel? WTF? It was the day I discovered just how bad a wine hangover can get. Don't get me wrong, I love wine, but zinfandel is for the ladies. I'm more of a cabernet drinker when I'm not drinking beer or bourbon. $6 bottle of Rex Goliath. |
|
As far as the awkward wake up, one time we were partying at the lake i had apparently jumped in the water to save my reflection. I wake up outside of on an asian womans camper on the picknick table beside a candle i had apparantly been chewwing on, she would not stop screaming at me.
|
|
My friend got so smashed at a keg party, all he could say was " It was like boom" and kept trying to grope people. We stopped at a truck stop on the way home to take a piss, he went in before me but I didn't see him in the bathroom. On my way back to the truck I noticed a dark utility closet door ajar and noise coming from inside. When I opened the door, there he was pissing in the mop bucket.
I have many alcohol fueled crimes funny stories but I'm not about to put them on the Internet. |
|
At a girls apartment drinking, she was a bartender and a bunch of us went over there after she got off work.
Well, I hit the bathroom prior to leaving and look down and I see the cat's litter box. An epiphany! I filled that fucker up real good. HAHA, I still laugh about it. |
|
I was playing poker and drinking beer in the dorm day room with a bunch of friends and I needed to piss like a race horse. Unfortunately there was money on the table and those guys would steal you blind if you let it out of your site, so I just stepped out onto the third floor (metal) fire escape and let it fly while I kept my eye on my money.
No sooner had I started, I heard a woman scream and a guy yell what the fuck - hey motherfucker, and then started charging up the fire escape. You know how hard it is to stop pissing once you start, and you also know that your aim instinctively goes where you’re looking right? Suffice to say that I already knew I was going to get my ass kicked so I kept pissing on him just so I’d get my moneys worth. By the time he made it up all three flights of stairs, I was back at the poker table. He burst in mad as a hornet, and looking like he’d been pissed on...LOL He was so pissed (pun) that he couldn’t string two words together without stuttering, and the more he stuttered the more we laughed. Eventually he started laughing too when it dawned on him that he wasn’t going to be able to whip the entire room. |
|
Quoted:
Woke up in Vegas after a bender to find a pair of pantyhose full of M&M's on the bed and my pockets full of uprooted weeds and leaves. There was two pairs of shoes on the balcony, one of which had a 20 in it. I have no idea what I did. Sorry I couldn't leave more, you deserved it. |
|
Many years ago, I was getting hammered with some buddies and we all decided to do a ‘strike out’.
Later that night I pissed in my girlfriend’s purse…she was less than pleased. |
|
I have a pair of stories.
I have only once gone black out drunk all I know is, according to my sister, I ran off into the night shouting Martin Luther King Jrs. "I have a dream speech" and when I awoke I was in a kayak in lake pontchartrain tied to the causeway with paracord. The second one is a something a buddy of mine, lets call him Mike, did. We are hanging out at the bar with a bunch of people from college. So as we are sitting there two guys start picking on a gay fellow who is a very nice guy who you would never know if he was gay without extended conversation, anyways so as they keep getting more and more drunk they got louder and crueler until finally the bartender told them it was time for them to go, So Mike being the nice guy he is said hed give them a lift back to their dorm rooms. So the next day I see them and they look ashamed to be alive, wont make eye contact with anyone, wont say anything louder than a mumble, anything. So i ask Mike what happened and he gets this evil grin on his face he says to me "Well on the way back I stopped and bought them two bottles of Everclear, a box of condoms, and a jar of mayonaise. Once they were blacked out I striped them to their boxers, put them in the same bunk, filled the condoms with mayonaise and slung them all of the room then left them alone to figure it out for themselves. Sorry for the long read. |
|
Sign up for the ARFCOM weekly newsletter and be entered to win a free ARFCOM membership. One new winner* is announced every week!
You will receive an email every Friday morning featuring the latest chatter from the hottest topics, breaking news surrounding legislation, as well as exclusive deals only available to ARFCOM email subscribers.
AR15.COM is the world's largest firearm community and is a gathering place for firearm enthusiasts of all types.
From hunters and military members, to competition shooters and general firearm enthusiasts, we welcome anyone who values and respects the way of the firearm.
Subscribe to our monthly Newsletter to receive firearm news, product discounts from your favorite Industry Partners, and more.
Copyright © 1996-2024 AR15.COM LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Any use of this content without express written consent is prohibited.
AR15.Com reserves the right to overwrite or replace any affiliate, commercial, or monetizable links, posted by users, with our own.