Help! I need a good but clean joke for a job interview.......and fast

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Help! I need a good but clean joke for a job interview.......and fast (Page 1 of 3)

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:48:19 AM EDT

So, I'm leaving for a job interview in a couple hours and I just got an e-mail informing me to be ready to tell a joke (clean) as part of the process!
I need the best clean joke you can come up with.........I don't know any clean ones!

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:49:13 AM EDT

[#1]

What's brown and sticky.................................a stick.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:49:16 AM EDT

[#2]

IT job or ?

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:49:22 AM EDT

[#3]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first one goes: "Damn, it's hot in here!" The second muffin says: "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:49:49 AM EDT

[#4]

Tell them that you think the job is a joke.

WTF kind of stupid head game shit is that? Are you interviewing to be a stand up comedian?

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:50:46 AM EDT

[#5]

My wife's credit card was lost.
I am not going to report it stolen , because the thief is spending less than she does !!

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:51:39 AM EDT

[#6]

there are such things as clean jokes?

I only know dirty ones

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:51:48 AM EDT

[#7]

Did you hear the one about the old sea captain and the hooker?

He asks her "How am I doing?"

She says "About three knots. You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your money back."

Guaranteed ice breaker, especially if the interviewer is a woman.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:52:07 AM EDT

[#8]

Quoted:

My wife's credit card was lost.

I am not going to report it stolen , because the thief is spending less than she does !!

That's sexist.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:52:40 AM EDT

[#9]

Quoted:
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first one goes: "Damn, it's hot in here!" The second muffin says: "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

My favorite joke ever.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:52:46 AM EDT

[#10]

Quoted:
IT job or ?

No, Artist position at a gaming co.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:52:55 AM EDT

[#11]

Actually I'd tell the Aristocrats. You wouldn't get the job, but you'd become a legend.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:53:34 AM EDT

[#12]

Tell them the tomato joke from pulp fiction. A momma tomato a daddy tomato and a baby tomato were walking down the street, baby tomato starts lagging behind so daddy tomato goes back and squishes him and says ketchup!

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:53:34 AM EDT

[#13]

Quoted:
Tell them that you think the job is a joke.

WTF kind of stupid head game shit is that? Are you interviewing to be a stand up comedian?

If the OP is serious then I hope he does not get the job.

Sure you can crack a joke but make sure it's in context and it will show off your wit. If you bring a canned joke in, go choke yourself.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:53:39 AM EDT

[#14]

Guy walks into a bar with a Giraffe. Orders a drink and walks out the door. Bartender says, "You can't leave that lyin around."

The guy says "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:54:20 AM EDT

[#15]

Quoted:
Tell them that you think the job is a joke.

WTF kind of stupid head game shit is that? Are you interviewing to be a stand up comedian?

No kidding, I wasn't ready for that one. It's supposed to be a fun work environment

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:54:23 AM EDT

[#16]

Three women sitting in the beauty parlor minding their own business.

That is it.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:54:27 AM EDT

[#17]

Larry the cable guy had kind of a funny one.

He said "I try to be careful who I tell jokes around. A couple weeks ago I told a funny joke to a pregnant woman and she laughed so hard a foot came out of her nose."

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:56:12 AM EDT

[#18]

Quoted:
Tell them that you think the job is a joke.

WTF kind of stupid head game shit is that? Are you interviewing to be a stand up comedian?

I'm gonna go with this.

I would tell them, quite honestly, that if they are going to base their decision partly on how well you tell a joke then I am not sure I want to work there and would like to hear their reasoning as to how it translates to better job performance...................then I would be ready with a joke, just in case they make sense.

But still, if you were to sit at your desk and email jokes to everyone in the office all day you'd be out of a job quick. Yet those same bosses think it is a good idea?

Ah, I'm grumpy. Maybe I still need to wake up.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:57:40 AM EDT

[#19]

Ask the interviewer if they know what sexual position causes ugly babies.
When they say they don't know. Tell them you don't know either but that they should ask thier parents.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:58:42 AM EDT

[#20]

Tell them you only know racist jokes then ask when you start...

If they don't think that's funny, they're probably assholes.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:59:04 AM EDT

[#21]

a piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! Rope! Get the heck out of here. We dont like your kind around here!"

The rope gets up and leaves for fear of violence and heads into the alley. Ruffs himself up and ties himself into a knot then cautiously re enters the bar.

The bartender says "Hey arent you the rope I just kicked out?"

The rope replies "Nope, Im a frayed knot"

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:59:11 AM EDT

[#22]

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

Posted: 8/10/2011 5:59:25 AM EDT

[#23]

I'm pretty sure I'd tell them to find another candidate after receiving that email.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:00:42 AM EDT

[#24]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:01:39 AM EDT

[#25]

HAHA wow I love the grumpy old guys that come out in the morning.

Place sounds like a fun place to work IMO. Glad more of you folks would pass up on it.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:03:04 AM EDT

[#26]

Quoted:

HAHA wow I love the grumpy old guys that come out in the morning.

Place sounds like a fun place to work IMO. Glad more of you folks would pass up on it.

Yeah, kind of put me off a little bit then he said posistion is an artist at a gaming company. That explains it.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:03:05 AM EDT

[#27]

Well, I'll have a coke then.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:03:05 AM EDT

[#28]

Quoted:
What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

I like this one.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:03:26 AM EDT

[#29]

A baby seal walks into a club......................

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:04:08 AM EDT

[#30]

Quoted:
HAHA wow I love the grumpy old guys that come out in the morning.

Place sounds like a fun place to work IMO. Glad more of you folks would pass up on it.

No kidding.........we got some grumpy bastards in here!

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:04:36 AM EDT

[#31]

What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

A coyote is boarding an airplane carrying a dead rabbit. The flight attendant says "Hey you can't take a rabbit on the plane." Coyote says "Sure I can, it's carrion."

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:05:12 AM EDT

[#32]

Quoted:

Quoted:
What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

I like this one.

Me too! It certainly is appropriate!

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:05:20 AM EDT

[#33]

One evening, Obama gathers his staff and tells them "No more speeches in Texas. If you get a request for me to attend a function in Texas, refuse it."
One of the staff asks "Why?".
Obama replies "Because everytime I get up in front of the crowd and start to speak, people in the front row start bidding."

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:06:26 AM EDT

[#34]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says hey pirate why do you have a steering wheel in your pants? The pirate replies aaarrrr it's driving me nuts!

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:08:22 AM EDT

[#35]

Quoted:
Well, I'll have a coke then.

First thing I thought of.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:09:07 AM EDT

[#36]

"How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

<interrupt their answer> "You don't know, man, you weren't there!"

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:09:48 AM EDT

[#37]

How do Microsoft engineers change a burned out light bulb?

They don't... they just declare dark a new standard.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:10:22 AM EDT

[#38]

Quoted:
HAHA wow I love the grumpy old guys that come out in the morning.

Place sounds like a fun place to work IMO. Glad more of you folks would pass up on it.

Mandatory fun is creepier than being driven with a whip.;

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:10:30 AM EDT

[#39]

A horse* walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face"

* Insert Sarah Jessica Parker reference here.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:13:04 AM EDT

[#40]

A termite walks into a bar and asks "where's the bar tender?"

bar tender = the guy serving drinks
bar tender = on a wooden bar, where is the wood tender (for a termite to eat)

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:13:33 AM EDT

[#41]

A blonde a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar, followed by a priest a priest a rabbi and a mullah, then a donkey walks in with a monkey on it's back and the guy at the bar looks at the bartender and says,"what is this, a joke?"

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:16:01 AM EDT

[#42]

Quoted:
How do Microsoft engineers change a burned out light bulb?

They don't... they just declare dark a new standard.

This is the one you want for a gaming company.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:16:32 AM EDT

[#43]

Quoted:
How do Microsoft engineers change a burned out light bulb?

They don't... they just declare dark a new standard.

I like this one the best so far.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:17:18 AM EDT

[#44]

Quoted:

Quoted:
What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

I like this one.

Me too! It certainly is appropriate!

I just asked it to two people who I know don't come to this site, and they got it right.

Two others didn't get it...so there is a chace that half the population has either heard it...or thought about it long enough to answer correctly.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:18:12 AM EDT

[#45]

...so an SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to a couple of tables and says "hey, can I join you guys?"

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:18:29 AM EDT

[#46]

Quoted:

Quoted:
How do Microsoft engineers change a burned out light bulb?

They don't... they just declare dark a new standard.

This is the one you want for a gaming company.

That is pretty good. The format is a joke that everyone knows, and it's specific to the software industry.

Maybe start with that one, and keep the red paint/blue paint in the back of your mind as a backup.

Posted: 8/10/2011 6:19:10 AM EDT

[#47]

A Scotsman walks into bar in Alaska and asks what kind of animal was hanging from the wall to which the barman replies "A moose".

The Scotsman replies "Geez, what size are the cats over here?"