A different thread reminded me of some of the stupid shit my family has pulled over the years, and I figured my very special cousin deserved his own thread to highlight his stupidity.

Lets talk about my cousin Matt.

Matt is a shitbum cocksucker.  Among his exploits are breaking into my Grandpa's house DURING his funeral, and stealing a Browning A-5, Marlin 39, and Remington 700 that belonged to my Grandpa.  While he was there, he also stole a 5 gallon wine carboy that was filled with pre-64 silver coins.  Because he's such an idiot, he didn't know the difference between silver coins and regular change.  He fed the entire carboy into a coinstar machine for face value minus the coinstar fee.  Keep in mind that my 86 year old Grandma is still alive and living on a fixed income.  A hundred pounds of 90% silver coins at today's value would go a long way towards making Grandma's golden years much more comfortable.  Thanks Matt, hope you die on the 4 wheeler you bought a week later.

Matt also has family problems.  He's got a wife and 4 kids.  A few years ago, his wife's 17 year old niece had her family fall apart and basically was homeless.  So she came to live with them.  For a while things were fine, she helped babysit the kids, etc.  You don't have to be a rocket surgeon to figure out that pretty soon Matt moved out of the house and took the babysitter with him.

Matt was bought out by Chrysler, and given a lump sum of money, a year or two of paychecks and benefits, and a free ticket to tech school.  He bought a truck, flunked out of tech, and sat on his ass until the paychecks stopped coming.

I don't know what he does for money now, haven't spoken to him in several years, and don't care to.  I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire.

Matt sounds like a real asshole. If it makes you feel better, I'd piss in his face if his feet were on fire.

What a shitbag!
My middle sister had it made due to my parents being awesome and hard-working. She decided to start running with the Mexicans at her high school and it all went downhill from there. She spent time in prison, witnessed a murder, has children that are retarded due to her drug use while pregnant and stole/allowed to be stolen heirloom guns that were to be mine. Fuck her! I wouldn't piss up her ass if her guts were on fire! One of ARFCOM's esteemed female members posted something about shared genes only making people relatives but love making people family. Well said! She's a criminal, liar and thief. I don't give a fuck what happens to her but would open my home to any of her kids.

Damn...

Best I got:

Uncle talked my grandmother into financing a bunch of owned rentals that my grandfather working his entire life for.

The guy started / stopped so many projects

He gets all the money, buys a lot, but never breaks ground.  (takes his family on a 3 week trip somewhere around the world.)

He has been doing this for YEARS.  

He should be in jail.

He owes my grandfather soo much money, my grandfather does not let my grandmother touch his money anymore.  

Matt sounds like a real dickhead.

"middle sister" sounds like a dumbass.

Edit: Nevermind.

My uncle married a women he met over the internet.  She's from Columbia.  I'm pretty sure she still doesn't speak english.



That's all I got right now.

I have a cousin who is a total loser, druggie, drunk and felon, most of my relatives are always welcome at my home with open arms, he will be welcomed with firearms.  He was in the navy and worked on a sub tender , but now swears he was a SEAL. He is on SS disablity, welfare, but does a work under the table. But the cherry on this Sunday is he is a registered sex offender, he swears the trailer (yes he has for decades lived in trailers) skank said she was 18, she was 15. He was 42 at the time. He gave her pot, booze and got her knocked up. His 3rd wife, here to be referred to as Landwhale is ok with it. Did I mention he and his wife can't make a full set of teeth between the 2 of them. I'm talking about a class of people that look up to Jeff Foxworthy as a role model.

My brother in law is a drunk who can't hold on to a job if you glued it to him, and steals from family. He has been in rehab more times them most Hollywood stars. The only positive part of his credit history are bar tabs, he went to get a loan and they ran his credit. Afterwards they took their calender back. He only turn up when he want something. He got a hold of my FIL's credit card number and charged $350 of booze and partied, this was 4 days after leaving a 6 month court ordered rehab. Total waste of O2.

All of my relatives are perfectly normal.
 

I have a sister that is certifiable.  Grade A nut job.  I had 2 friends that were plain old drunks.  I haven't seen them in 15 years and am hoping for another 15.

Details are too bizzare to believe, but you could write a book about them - if you wanted to waste even more of your life; I don't.

Post 18K

Idiot got into over 250,000 of credit card debt. We can't figure out how as he had a very good paying job, no family, and nothing to show for it. My dad bailed him out.

Tops anything I could add.

I have a brother in law that is basically a bum. He let his house go to crap, then let the bank have it (this was like 6 years ago, not from the current stuff). His wife supports him, along with SS (i.e. you and I). Not a drunk or druggie, just a neerdowell.

Most of my idiot relatives have passed on. Out of respect I wont discuss them. It made for an interesting childhood when the extended family got together though.

Well I should have added the credit card company let him settle for like 60,000. He had no money to pay the 60,000 so my dad gave him the money as a loan and apparently he is still paying it back.



ETA: The whole situation fucking pisses me off to no end. My dad busts my balls for the dumbest stupid shit. I don't even do a fraction of what this idiot relative has done and my dad NEVER gives this guy any shit. This is even after he put my family's livelyhood in jepardy for being a fucking moron, not to mention screwing up the family name.

I feel much better about my family after reading this  thread.  I'm not saying we are perfect but I've got nothing this extreme going on.

Ive got a uncle who has been a leech off my grandmother since my grandpa passed away. He was cast out of the family for the most part by my grandpa but since he died he is making his way back in.

He was written out of the estate but through badgering my grandma she has got him back in but at a reduced rate.  He is 58 or so and never been able to make a living for himself. He constantly asks her for money and never is around except for holidays which involve gifts.  

The most odd and absolute biggest waste of space I know

I've got a SIL that's an "organic food nut/deadbeat/ron paul voter/the .gov is spraying us with chemicals from airliners" know it all freak that I cant get rid of.

My sister Gina- what a piece of work she is.

She graduated from UConn as  nurse and married a real nice guy who works his ass off for her and the kids. He got in on the ground floor of a biotech company (his badge number is in the mid-20s) and is now their CSO (Chief Scientific Officer) raking in millions but this isnt enough for my sister. Her most famous incident was she had ordered something on the order of $125k in new living room furniture. My BIL goes on a business trip to come home and find new furniture in its place- apparently she thought it "clashed" with the room color so 4 days after she got the new furntiure she gave it to Goodwill and went out and bought another 60k in furniture.

My sister has also "found religion" which is not necesarily bad. Except that she delights in telling everyone how sad she feels that we wont meet in heaven. Since we do not follow her exact faith we are all going to hell. No one invites her over for family get togethers anymore as all she does is try to convert you, talk abotu how much money she spent this week, and denigrating your house/car/SO's/children/etc and telling you how she is so much better then everyone else.

the cherry on this is how fucking greedy she is even now. Just before our grandpa passed we found out she visited him and tried to get him to change the will so that she was not only executrix but that grandpas estate should go to her and her kids only. Thankfully even on his deathbed grandpa told her to GTFO and his estate passed to my father and aunts.

My father has point blank told me that my brother and I are named as co-executors. He has also said do NOT under any circumstances let Gina into the house. She has already been sniffing around as to what is the most valuable items my father and step-mom own. My father has an extensive WW II Luger collection worth an easy 300k along with other high end weapons- my father blew a gasket when he found out she contacted Rock Island auctioneers about brokering the sale of the collection when my father passes. We know in the will that my brother and I are to split the collection 50/50 as part of our inheritance. My father also told us to make sure our bookkeeping is impeccable and to follow the will to the letter as Gina has made noises about hiring her own lawyers to oversee "the equal distribution of the estate". My brother and I are girding for an epic fight sometime in the future.

I dont know what Gina gets in the will but it may not be much- my father only says that she doesnt really need much as she is a multi-millionaire already.

All I got is an aunt who was busted doing the horizontal mambo with her daughter's husband (now ex-husband) - thus, my aunt's son-in-law.  The cousin ain't too much to look at, but she's 100 times better than her mama, who looks like a 100 pound bag of ugly that got dropped off a cliff.  

My aunt.



She sent me a card for my last birthday, wishing I'd have a happy day, along with my GF.



Except for she put my ex-GFs name, I broke up with 4 years ago on the card.



When I called her and asked why she did that, she said she couldn't remember my current GFs name so she just put the ex's down.







There are so many stupid things she did. Growing up with her stupidity around meant every Christmas dinner was a guaranteed argument between her and us.

Gambling.

or drugs.

ETA: probably both.

Got a cousin who ran with drugs, wrong people, etc for many years. His mother just chooses to not deal with him, so he moves in with my grandma.

I want to kill Matt...  Why are cousins so messed up?

My cousin, radical Commie liberal and alcoholic, could hold a job and support himself but lives with my aunt and uncle at 36!  They made him a ward of the state.  They kicked him out several times for drinking in the house.  Can't go anywhere without a water bottle full of vodka (like we don't know!?!)  They have no idea what to do about him in regards to estate planning.  His sister, who has worked hard her whole life (has a Masters) is going to get the shaft on that one.

My wife's cousin is also ultra liberal––and ghey.  Drives drunk and has wrecked two cars––one of which wasn't his.  Starts family shit with my FiL and everyone at family gatherings.  Graduated from an expensive east coast Ivy League school that his dad will be paying off for the next 20 years.  Works at a meat counter (ironic eh?).  Angry about his situation and thinks he is entitled to everyone else's paycheck.  I guess the liberal establishment didn't cut him in...

The worst I've got is a Lib brother with anti social tendency.
He is an anti-Semite too.

Worst example for my family is my wife's cousin.  



He was trouble from the time he was in 8th grade.  Stole a car, managed to park it in a river before he was 14yrs old.  Convicted felon by age 19 for B&E.  After a year in prison he was getting his life on track by becoming a building contractor*.



*building contractor - read: steal anything that wasn't bolted down at the job sites, run up material bills at various lumber yards & never pay, steal deposits from customers and NEVER show back up.



By age 28 he was in prison again for another 18 month vacation.  Thanks to Jennifer Granholm installing revolving doors at the prisons he got out in 7 months.



He takes up with 'a good friend' (also a convicted felon) and THEY proceed to start up another contracting business.  Repeat previous *building contractor business plan.  They both will be heading back to the maximum security bed & breakfast soon.



Now mind you, my wife works in the dept of corrections and CANNOT associate with felons.  A couple years ago when my son was getting married my wife made the uncomfortable call to her aunt to explain why her son can not come to the wedding.  Aunt had a hissy fit and said some nasty things but thankfully didn't show up at the wedding either.

Shitbird nephew, spoiled rotten as a kid by lower income sister and BIL.  He got arrested for ignoring a restraining order to stay away from his ex gf.  Constant little liar, trying to tell everyone he didn't know she worked at said establishment.  Jump forward a couple years this slug had already dropped out of community college for lack of attendance and failure to do any of the homework.  Allegedly he did well on the tests but it wouldn't carry his lazy ass in any class.  Kid is a dreamer and then wants to go to a florida film school/college that is supposed to be a high intensity program.  Well he goes last minute and didn't get any grants, scholarships, or student loans so my sister cosigns the loan for the whole program (it's not done by the semester I guess) with the explicit understanding that he's the one to pay for it.  

Well 18 months later, it's done and I'm not sure what happened, work projects still due or something but I don't think he ever got his degree even though he claims he did and to boot he tells his mother that  he isn't going to pay them back because they paid for his sister's wedding and that he should get something too.  I wanted to kick his ass from 250 miles away.  My sister and my BIL have already filed bankruptcy the maximum number of times allowed by law so they're stuck with it.  (The filed for BS stuff before, can you say chickens coming home to roost?)  Shitbird nephew then goes out the Ca to live with college GF who did work hard and did graduate.  After about a year of him playing video games she kick's his ass out and keeps his friend as a room mate because the roomate pays the bills.  Wall,.... I see writing on it.  Last Christmas the little bullshitting liar was telling me he was talking to an AF recruiter who was setting him up to be a fighter pilot.    F'ing POS liar, I called him on it.


Niece, my brother's 2nd daugher is completely F'd in the head.  I'll just give the quick run down.  Rebelllious, hangs with punk druggies.  Gets knocked up in high school, baby gets adopted out, supposedly she learns her lesson.  A year later she gets knocked up on purpose due to regret over  adopting out baby #1.  Fight ensues and my brother's wife ends their marriage.    POS neice stays and has her baby,  eventually runs off with BF1, 2, or 3.  I'm not sure which at this point and she has little no contact with family despite aunts and grandma trying to help her.  She gets knocked up again by same or other BF/drug dealer.  CPS comes and takes kids, court thingy, supervision by social worker, she gets them back under condition to stay working and stay away from drug dealing BF.  Well that didn't last and she gets knocked up again,  IIRC baby daddy #1 is back.   Again she looses kids after being arrested for prostitution/drugs.  They did not come back, she gets supervised visits with them.   Stupidly someone gets her signed up on government dime for single mothers training program.  She goes to nursing school for free but even if she does/did graduate she'll never get licensed with her drug and prostitution arrests.  Who the F is in charge of that wasted tax dollar idea?  Sadly she's a waste of life.

My father, who has a history of taking money from my mother and blowing it and blowing his paycheck on shit to the point of being behind on the mortgage 3 months (and has done this many times), decided last year about 3 weeks before Christmas it would be a great idea to forge a check on my bank account for $750.  It caused HUGE fallout, and he tried to defend himself saying he had to do it.  

Not to mention all of the times he threatened to leave my family.

I wish I had a real man as a father figure growing up.  



Also my Grandparrent stole a at least 6 figure inheritance from me and others in the family.

matt sounds like a little bitch, i think he needs a good beat down

only thing we have wrong in our family is that they all get drunk and fight with each other on Christmas and ruin it for everyone

My brother is a liberal.

Fiancee's dad has a son from a previous marriage.   Junior is 40. When junior was 20 he got a DUI and ran off before the cop got him in the back of the cop car. Since Jr and Sr have the exact same name, dad gets picked up for DUI, evading police etc. Dad calls Jr and says "get your ass down here and get me out of jail". Junior says "sorry dad" and lets dad go to court where most of it gets sorted out. Dad still loses his job because he was locked up for 7 days before court since the judge considered him a flight risk for obvious reasons.

Fiancee's older brother has serious meth mouth for the obvious reason. Cant hold a job, has no permanent residence and I hate to say it,is pretty much a social parasite. Constantly in and out of jail for drug and alcohol charges. Hes a really nice guy he just cant get his act together. I do feel bad for him but he made his own bed.

Fiancee's mom has been a drug user since my fiancee was 6. She had used up her welcome with her family and had no place to go. About a year ago she found a local mission who specialized in drug abuse. They gave her a place to stay and feed her so long as she's clean and stays in their program. She had one relapse but seems to be doing good.

Fiancee's dad is a serious alcoholic. He lives in Alaska and I bought him and his wife a ticket to come stay with us for my fiancee's last birthday.  They were here a week and drank 4 or 5 of the 1.75 liter bottles of rail vodka. They maxed their check card out so we payed for everything the second half of the week. That didnt bother me until I heard that the father was telling the rest of the family "he didnt think we made good choices with our money".  I can only imagine he based this on the fact that I hadn't fixed a broken window motor in one of my cars while they were here because I didnt want to be down a car during their visit. I also took them out and bought $200 worth of Wii games when they first got here so we'd have something to do. I also found out her dad hasn't had a job in 15 years because he doesnt want to pay years of back child support and alimony to his two previous wives.  

Damn, all I got is my wife's cross dressing cousin....if it helps, she has another cousin that was a topless masseuse..but she looks like this>

I'm not sure. He was a pothead/ coke head/ alcoholic till he was about 30 or so. That was about 30 years ago.





 

Matt is a criminal......it's just that plain and simple.

My brother cashed in the gold coins my dad entrusted to him and had them in my brother's safe deposit box.

My brother is a criminal......it's just that plain and simple.

Whenever he calls someone cheap I ask him how much gold coins are worth nowadays.

He is remorseful now and I have forgiven him........but........once the criminal mentality........you never get my full trust.

My Great-uncle Mike is an alcoholic, deadbeat son of a bitch. I won’t waste my time going to his funeral.

When I was a kid and was in Tae Kwon Do, I had several pair of nunchukas (song jol bong or something in Korean?) many of which were padded practice sets. Drunk Mike got out in the parking lot at a family reunion and said “I used to have a set of these and started whipping them around like an idiot. In his backswing the padding flew off exposing the PVC interior and he proceeded to whack himself in the nuts unintentionally for about 20 seconds. He was so drunk he didn’t notice it first. Hilarity ensued.

I'm sorry to say that your sister Gina is a criminal.

My cousin is the fuckstick that did this:

Man Charged With Attempted Murder in Attack on Trick-or-Treater

WTF???



 

I’ll try to hit the career highlights of my stepson’s sperm donor. Let’s call him Steve.

Family owned a tortilla company. Steve went to a prestigious private high school, played football, got loads of hotties, and was looking at baseball and golf scholarships.

Gets busted by college recruiter for drugs, puts blame on another guy (who is an honest guy – also born into wealth, his family owns a Mexican restaurant chain in Dallas).

So instead of college, Steve goes to work running the family business. My friend David and his wife Diane (Steve’s sister) also work there. Dave and Diane have a child and said child is diagnosed with Leukemia. That’s when they learned Steve hasn’t been paying the insurance premiums and they have no health insurance.

Steve owes my wife over $60k in back child support. My stepson is now 24 years old. Steve has two other kids, one boy on heroin, and one girl he gave up rights to years ago. Owes the other boy’s mom probably $60k also.

Steve lived with his parents until a few years ago when a sister moved the parents out of the house to Austin. There was some suspicion that he was stealing his parents’ welfare checks and physically abusing the old folks. Steve sold everything including his dad’s prized video collection and continued to live in the vacant house until it foreclosed and the Sheriff evicted him.

Needless to say, he’s stolen from his parents, his siblings, and anyone else he can. He’s 50 years old and homeless. He hasn’t had a real job in over 30 years. Whenever he does get a little job, the state garnishes for back child support and then he quits.

His oldest niece recently got married. Steve wasn’t invited and family/friends all kept it hush-hush until it was over. He is the definition of loser.

Mine are all dead now, except my lesbian aunt who stole a bunch of money from me.



She's a chain smoker, drinks like a fish, and is now nearly a crip..., uh, handicapped, uh, DISABLED, and may be moving into an "assisted care" facility soon.



She's pathetic, really.

My Aunt Charrie is a lesbian who thinks healthcare is a Right.

Apparently you hid the bodies pretty damn good.



 

I have a "relative" (actually, he's a long-term boyfriend of a relative) who is one of those ultra-liberals who has decided that even Obama is too far to the right.

He would occasionally spout some idiotic liberal talking point, and sometimes I'd take the bait and argue, although it's always pointless.  Eventually, I figured out that he was merely parrotting whatever he read in the latest Krugman column in the NY Times (this "relative" reads the NY Times, and especially the editorial pages, RELIGIOUSLY).

At this point, I try and avoid talking to him.

And this is why I don't give money to the homeless.  Most make more than I do: tax free of course.  And most are hurtful swindlers like this, who leave a legacy of pain to whoever they touch.  I'll donate generously to the food bank, as those include broke grandmothers, but street bum? Never.

All I got is a cousin who "was" (probably still is) a heroin/drug addict.  Broke into my parents house and stole our dead grandmothers jewelry and pawned it.  Then stole the rest of my dead grandmothers jewelry from her parents house along with my uncles fathers 1911, which was his in WWII.  Pawned everything, and we've never been able to find it to buy it back.

I had a neighbor who was divorced and living with his pregnant 19 yera old step daughter.  He is the baby daddy.

My wife is a teacher and has had 2 different girls 16 and pregnant with their third kids.

From my mom's side of the family:

Me (on the phone): Cousin Eddie (Yes, I have a cousin Eddie who is more redneck than the one on Christmas Vacation), our other cousin, Rusty, just died in jail.
Cousin Eddie: Damn! That SOB still owes me money for some pot I gave him.

Cousin Eddie is now in jail for the 14th time on drug charges.

Have you ever heard that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree .... just saying[ tou might want to eject

My Grandfather was in WWII, was a POW and made it home after the war.  Worked for Union Pacific until retirement and when he died, he left her with plenty of money to be very comfortable for the rest of her life.  



Six months later, she had given loans to all my scumbag cousins, remodeled the house twice, bought a new car, paid lawyer bills for a second cousin who was accused of killing a guy in a drug deal etc. etc. etc.  Money was gone.  



For a long time, my family was sending her money to survive.  Then my cousin posted on facebook the pictures of the new car that Grandma just bought her.  We stopped sending checks.  



She did a reverse mortgage on the house, to have enough to get by.  Spent all that money in even less time.  She's sold everything of value, drives a 30 year old shitbox car and works at Sams Club giving out samples to get enough money to eat.  She's 93.