Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. - Page 1

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon.

Posted: 12/15/2010 5:49:45 PM EDT

"Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?

John: That's lite beer.

Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?

John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.

Grandpa:
Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95
years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake
up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And
for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

John: Bacon.

Grandpa:
Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according
to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like
thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha!
And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about
me. Just goes to show you, huh?

John: What?

Grandpa: Huh?

John: Goes to show you what?

Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?

John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

Grandpa: Yeah?

John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.

Posted: 12/15/2010 5:54:20 PM EDT

[#1]

Reminds me of a 76 year old friend of mine. Eats sweets and crap, smokes menthols and was an alcoholic for 30 years. He's still skinny and gets around better than most his age. I've convinced it's mostly genetics. Both his parents lived till over 90.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:02:03 PM EDT

[#2]

I've got no illusions of immortality, so my only hope in taking care of myself is that when the time comes, it's a sudden stop, rather than a long, painful decline.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:04:41 PM EDT

[#3]

Quoted:
I've got no illusions of immortality, so my only hope in taking care of myself is that when the time comes, it's a sudden stop, rather than a long, painful decline.

Didn't you die in the mid 90's?

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:09:06 PM EDT

[#4]

Is this a "Dad Joke" thread?? Awesome!

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the localchemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:10:19 PM EDT

[#5]

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

"Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:10:31 PM EDT

[#6]

Grumpy Old Men.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:13:56 PM EDT

[#7]

Love those movies. Lemmon and Matthau + Burgess Meredith = failproof.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:16:04 PM EDT

[#8]

I'm going to enjoy myself while I'm here. Fuck everyone else.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:17:51 PM EDT

[#9]

Growing up there was a neighbor next door to me, he was Italian. He would have wine at lunch, a couple or more shots of Grappa in the late afternoon, and a bottle of wine with supper. He was 92, he was retired, he had good cholestoral, he was slender, not over weight. In spite of this he was told by his doctor to get off the alcohol the red meat, and meat sauces. He became depressed, and he was dead in 18 months.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:18:28 PM EDT

[#10]

Quoted:
Is this a "Dad Joke" thread?? Awesome!

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the localchemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:18:47 PM EDT

[#11]

Grumpy Old Men

Funny as Hell movie. The outtakes during the credits are pee-your-pants funny as well!

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:19:45 PM EDT

[#12]

Quoted:

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

"Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:25:35 PM EDT

[#13]

The wife went to get some life insurance, had a blood test done, high cholesterol. Told her gramps about it, he says "the best way to lower your cholesterol is to eat a pound of bacon every day."

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:27:37 PM EDT

[#14]

That was a great movie.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:46:09 PM EDT

[#15]

Quoted:
That was a great movie.

QFT

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:52:24 PM EDT

[#16]

My Grandfather on my Mom's side smoked his entire life, every morning he spread pure lard on his toast.

He lived to be 92 years old.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:54:36 PM EDT

[#17]

Every morning, i wake up, and i eat a strip of bacon, and then smoke five cigarettes.

Posted: 12/15/2010 6:55:56 PM EDT

[#18]

"Pick me up a pack of Camels."

Posted: 12/15/2010 7:11:07 PM EDT

[#19]

oh yah like that 40 pound muskie your always yacking about...

I love those movies

Posted: 12/15/2010 7:11:44 PM EDT

[#20]

Quoted:
"Pick me up a pack of Camels."

"You're supposed to smokin' filter cigarettes, Pop."

"I'm 94 years old, what do I care?"

Posted: 12/15/2010 7:31:21 PM EDT

[#21]

Quoted:

Quoted:
I've got no illusions of immortality, so my only hope in taking care of myself is that when the time comes, it's a sudden stop, rather than a long, painful decline.

Didn't you die in the mid 90's?

Ok, I'll admit I laughed.