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BlackDog714
I'm gonna spend my way out of debt just like .gov
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:06:56 PM EST
Post 'em if you got 'em.
"A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity."
Sigmund Freud, "General Introduction to Psychoanalysis".

Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidenti telum est
a308garand
M1 Garand Solves Problems Quick
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:08:46 PM EST
Chuck is no joke. I would be afraid to make fun of him here.
"Your times is over! You are gonna die bloody; all you can do is pick where!"
~Sheriff to Butch and Sundance
Johnny_Reno
Jackass Identification Specialist
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:09:02 PM EST


Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.


...and that's no joke.

I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Switchh
Wearer of Tinfoil
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:09:06 PM EST
He's so powerful, he doesn't need any jokes written about him. The name itself implies hilarity.
On the topic of home invasions: WinstonSmith

What do I do? I bellow "Finally", grab my home defense firearm, disengage the safety, and commence to smearing my naked form with a 50/50 mix of Astroglide and Breakfree.
saigamanTX
IT'S RAPING ME!
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:09:54 PM EST
It's not a democracy. It's a Chucktatorship!
Caboose314
Fightin' Texas Aggie
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:11:53 PM EST
In 'nam Chuck Norris fired 7.62 battlefield pickups from his Mattel M-16.
You must drink excellence before you can piss it.
Dog1
U.S. Rifle, Caliber .30, M1
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:12:16 PM EST
He's a great actor.
Hansan: "This is a .30 caliber, gas operated, clip fed, semi-automatic rifle....."
Soldier: "Look, you ain't sellin it to me, you're only showing me how it works."

blwallace5
Doin stuff with things!!
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:13:05 PM EST
Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.
lime cat part deux now with frog abilities
danpass
Harvest time
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:13:30 PM EST
Chuck Norris does not get wet .................................................................... the water gets Chuck Norris'd
Psalm 91:7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
http://danpass.blogspot.com
jsucraig
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:13:58 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/17/2010 2:15:08 PM EST by jsucraig]
www.google.com search for 'Where is Chuck Norris' click 'I'm feeling Lucky' you get:

Sign in

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Search: the web pages from Chuck's Beard



Web

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.



No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

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Run, before he finds you
Try a different person








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Created by Arran Schlosberg

Aussie? Check this out...

Will you be my little spoon?

Jonathan Sankey's pick up techniques
foxherb53
UP RIVER
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:31:58 PM EST
Chuck Norris doesn't dial 911. no joke there
I'm not always right , but I'm not really wrong either!!!
How do you like me now???
"May God have mercy on my enemy , because I won't" G.S.Patton
bigred3516
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:35:21 PM EST
Chuck Norris once lit a fart while camping in the Sahara forest.
“Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.”

"Nothing has the capability of turning a normally intelligent, logical man into a complete buffoon quite like boat ramps or wasp nests."
Myguitarisaweapn
Nobel Peace Prize Nominee
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:53:30 PM EST
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
-Weapn

"Fairly flat trajectory!?!? Unacceptable. Every bullet that passes through your barrel should be in sync with the Earth's rotation giving a 100% hit ratio on your target." -Ricky
Cpt_Kirks
Starfleet Brewmaster
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:56:39 PM EST
Chuck Norris walked down the street one day with an erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris is not afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the earth down.

Can you please stop telling me that I have a hobby of NOT collecting stamps? Seriously, I don't collect stamps. I don't mind that you collect stamps, and it's a fine hobby I'm sure. Please stop calling this thing I don't do, a hobby of mine.
Sub
Ironmaker
I make both 4140 and 4150.
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Posted: 10/17/2010 2:58:18 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/17/2010 2:59:11 PM EST by Ironmaker]
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands, when he left they were known only as the Islands.
Never follow anyone shorter than you; they can walk under things that you can't.
heyitsshane
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Posted: 10/17/2010 3:00:04 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/17/2010 3:00:20 PM EST by heyitsshane]
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
acegunner
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Posted: 10/17/2010 3:03:37 PM EST
CN can ride a wheely(sp) on a unicycle my fav.
America-first
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Posted: 10/17/2010 3:06:06 PM EST
When Chuck Norris wants your opinion.

He beats it out of you.
proto_moose
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:07:02 PM EST
Chuck Norris and Superman fought once. The winner had to wear their underwear on the outside for the rest of their life.
Eagle7222
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:50:22 PM EST
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer
"Man is not free unless government is limited."
-Ronald Reagan
Greenhorn
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:51:51 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/17/2010 4:58:11 PM EST by Greenhorn]
Chuck Norris can run around the Earth and roundhouse-kick himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris and Superman once had an arm-wrestling contest. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

We must hope that Chuck Norris and Christopher Walken never appear together. The awesome would destroy the universe.

If Chuck Norris was alive when Einstein wrote his theory of relativity, he would have known that light merely does not dare travel faster than Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
What was once the government of the United States of America is now an occupying hostile foreign government.

Collective rights do not exist. Rights cannot infringe on the rights of others, and a collective right by necessity does so.
CombatMP
Fallujah Parking Enforcement
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:52:01 PM EST
Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month, and as a result, they bleed for 7 days.
GNRNR
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:53:58 PM EST
Originally Posted By Dog1:
He's a great actor.


LoL

I see what you did th...
Ohio_Bill
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:54:13 PM EST
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
"My irritability keeps me alive and kicking" --Howard Devoto
Chromekilla
Is that you John Wayne, Is this me?
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:54:25 PM EST
Originally Posted By CombatMP:
Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month, and as a result, they bleed for 7 days.


In-light(sp?) of all the spelling threads tonight, If Chuck Norris misspells a word, the dictionary just changes the actual spelling of the word.
Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
Smells like fucking guido up in this motherfucker.
Gun_Crank
Machinist
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Posted: 10/17/2010 4:58:38 PM EST
Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in under an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Most boys can pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can Piss his name into concrete.
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain
-FiveFiveSIx-
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:02:26 PM EST
Chuck norris is currently in the middle of a lawsuit against NBC, as Law&Order are the trademark names for his left and right leg....
Chuck norris can skip a rock underwater
DR, phill ask chuck norris for advice
Chuck norris does not were a condom, becuase there is no protection from chuck norris
-Certain misery is better than the misery of uncertainty-
tc2k11
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:02:51 PM EST
Originally Posted By proto_moose:
Chuck Norris and Superman fought once. The winner loser had to wear their underwear on the outside for the rest of their life.
Lxpony
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:03:59 PM EST
When Chuck Norris has sex, he is always on top since Chuck Norris never fucks up
cbsaf
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:06:49 PM EST
Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
patmuaddib
You cannot stop us all
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:09:35 PM EST
Chuck Norris can simply walk into Mordor.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile
"Just because I'm a teacher don't make me a p---y."
wtr100
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:23:19 PM EST
Chuck Norris once strangled Steven Segal with a cordless Phone

Who's tougher Ziva David or Chuck Norris?
Le Roy Jethro Gibbs!
Sarah Palin - may or may not be the solution but she surely makes the problem scream like a bunch of little girls!
Stegadeth
Stormin' Mormon
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:25:53 PM EST
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
“Stand fast in this liberty wherewith ye have been made free.” Mosiah 23:13
koorva
Deagle Wit Da BEAMZ!!!
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:29:10 PM EST
When Chuck Norris does push ups he pushes the earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn't join the army, the army joins Chuck Norris.
http://www.americansnipers.org/
wtr100
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:38:31 PM EST
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burgerking and got one!
Sarah Palin - may or may not be the solution but she surely makes the problem scream like a bunch of little girls!
Vulcan20mm
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:42:48 PM EST
In a pinch, Chuck Noris once used a Rattlesnake for a condom.
von_landstuhl
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:42:55 PM EST
Chuck Norris is so awesome, sharks have a "Chuck Norris Week."
I am a sheepdog. I live to protect the flock and confront the wolf.
DRhodes
LOOP DOOP
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:45:39 PM EST
The beach landing scene in 'Saving Private Ryan' is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Chuck Norris had in the second grade.
Your heroes are dead, Burn all you love.
GiggleSmith
الجارحه
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:51:24 PM EST
Chuck Norris once lost an Arm Wrestling match.

It when he was young and was beaten by a stronger and smarter Chuck Norris that traveled in a time machine from his own future.

Only Chuck Norris can say that line in one breath.
"He should have killed me. I would have killed me."
PaperKiller
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:53:00 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/17/2010 6:05:32 PM EST by PaperKiller]
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shit out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


MagazineFed
Elite Delta Tactical Special Operator
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:54:17 PM EST
Originally Posted By DRhodes:
The beach landing scene in 'Saving Private Ryan' is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Chuck Norris had in the second grade.


I like that one. It's original.
U.S. Army 91F small arms/artillery repairer
"Personally I wouldn't go anywhere that I couldn't sit on a stash of food and ammo with an AR15. I'm a right wing extremist though" -Currahee
DRhodes
LOOP DOOP
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Posted: 10/17/2010 5:59:52 PM EST

Originally Posted By MagazineFed:
Originally Posted By DRhodes:
The beach landing scene in 'Saving Private Ryan' is loosely based on a game of dodgeball Chuck Norris had in the second grade.


I like that one. It's original.

I've never actually heard it anywhere but from an old boss. I don't know if he thought it up himself but it never ceases to make me laugh pretty hard.

It's definitely my favorite.
Your heroes are dead, Burn all you love.
Windustsearch
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:06:34 PM EST
Chuck Norris does not teabag, he potato-sacks.

Chuck Norris invented hamburger by throwing a cow at a chain link fence.
Zam18th
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:22:35 PM EST
Chuck Norris is the reason that Cap'n Crunch's eyebrows are on his hat.
RTUtah
Something clever.
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:24:27 PM EST
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits in ambush.
MACV-SOG nut.
TT4life
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:31:43 PM EST
When Chuck Norris has sex, the woman never survives.
kpel308
Legbreaker extraordinaire
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:32:24 PM EST
[Last Edit: 10/17/2010 6:33:34 PM EST by kpel308]
Chuck Norris Ranger rolls his Kevlar.

Chuck Norris was such a bad-assed Airman, they had to make him a Marine.

That one's my favorite, because it's TRUE:

Kick Ass.
Take Names.
Repeat As Necessary.
cbsaf
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:36:36 PM EST
This was suppossed to be a Chuck Norris joke thread but all I see are facts. There are no Chuck Norris jokes.
cssalabama
commerce raider
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:47:14 PM EST
if you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars he has more money than you .
Aide Toi et Dieu T'Aidera - God helps those who helps themselves
DStrokes
To Infinity, and Beyond!
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:52:08 PM EST
Chuck Norris has a dick so big, his dick has its own dick. And that dick is bigger than your dick!

Chuck Norris CAN touch this!

Chuck Norris can count to infinity. In fact he did it, twice!

Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag, he Potato-sacks.
"Tyranny is defined as that which is legal for the government, but illegal for the citizenry." -- Thomas Jefferson
62GMC
eliminator of ghouls
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Posted: 10/17/2010 6:55:58 PM EST
When Chuck Norris looks through a telescope into certain areas of space, an entire planet of aliens gets the creepy feeling they're being watched.
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