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, go get some counseling from a pro-marriage counselor who can help teach you and your wife how to rebuild that marital trust.  

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Hi all,

Just to get this out of the way, this is absolutely not a troll thread.  I have debated even posting this for months.

My wife and I are both Catholic, we initially met through eharmony, we both said that our faith played an important part in our lives.  The first time we met I knew that I would marry her.  She was (and still is) gorgeous and had a magnificent personality and outlook on life.  Things between us became quite serious early in our relationship, we both knew we were meant for each other and loved each other deeply.  

The topic of premarital sex was discussed early, she informed me that she was not a virgin, I told her that I was, as I believed in waiting for the woman I would marry.  As we talked about the subject further, what she described to me was basically non-consensual.  I felt absolutely awful for her and assured her that what had happened to her was in no way her fault and that she needed to accept that she had been forced against her will and forgive herself.

Fast forward 5 years.  We have a 2 year old daughter with a second on the way and have been married for 3 1/2 years.  A couple of months ago she randomly began talking about her relationship that resulted in her being forced to have intercourse.  Without getting into too much detail, she, for some reason, brought this up after we had just been together.  She said that she did not really enjoy her first time with this person and that she was reluctant to have sex with him.  I was immediately taken aback and asked her what she meant by that.  She then told me that they had actually had intercourse multiple times.  I was upset as I had thought for the past 5 year that she had basically been raped by this person.

She did not understand why I was upset, that she had told me early on in the relationship that she was not a virgin.  I told her that to me, there was quite a difference between being forced to have sex with a person versus having an ongoing relationship involving multiple instances of intercourse.  I told her that I felt I had been deceived.  She did not agree with me, asking what difference it made whether she had had sex once or 100 times as she had told me she was not a virgin.  

I told her that, at least to me, the circumstances surrounding her relationship had a great deal to do with my perception regarding her sexual history.  I asked if there was anything else that she had not told me and she then went on to tell me that she was intimate with 4 other people during college.  I felt, and still do feel crushed.  I asked her why she did not tell me this when we were dating and she replied that I had not asked.  I did ask regarding her past, as I felt that it was important that the person I would eventually marry shared my values.  She responded that I did not ask her specifically and so she felt that her saying she was not a virgin was enough of an answer.

As a religious person, I know that I should forgive her and ask God for guidance in forgiveness and move on.  But at the same time, I am absolutely tormented that at the time this occurred she was very heavily involved in her university's Catholic organization and the person she lost her virginity to was part of a Catholic outreach ministry.  I am completely lost in all of this.  I feel betrayed and devastated that the woman I love chose to withhold this information when I made it clear early in our relationship that this was something that was important to me.  Obviously divorce is not and will not be an option, I fully intend to honor the vows of marriage, something I have told her time and again.  But in spite of this I cannot seem to move past this.  

I posted this in the religious forum because I did not want to deal with the ridicule of general discussion, and even if this post garners no response, it is some how therapeutic to be able to vent these feelings.

To everyone that took the time to read this lengthy post, thank you and God bless.

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Easier said than done, but this.  She's the mother of your children.  Get over it and love her like Christ loves his church.

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She decieved him in a very serious way, and she's unrepentant and pretending like it's no big deal. Sure he should forgive her, after she asks to be forgiven. She's very lucky he's catholic, IMHO. Her current behavior vis a vis her dishonesty would have me considering separating if I were in his shoes.

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Let the past go.

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The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

People do not truly change long term.  They adjust...but they do not change their nature.  

Liars will lie again.  Cheaters will cheat again.  Thieves will steal again.

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 | ESV

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Negative.

The biggest evidence of a person becoming a Christian is a changed life. I would agree with you that a person can not change themselves, it is the work of the Holy Spirit changing them. Becoming a Christian is a one step process; accepting Jesus as your Saviour. Then they no longer are this things they used to be. There are not perfect, but they are no longer ruled by their past.