Well.... It's in.
tl;dr version - it was either a bad dvd drive or bad sata cable.
I first tried to install to the HDD. Same procedure (loaded drivers from flash, delete partitions, etc...) I instantly got a disk read error on restart, so I figured "must be the MB!" Call to GigabyteUSA. The number I dialed was a 626 area code, but I think I got dumped straight to China. The girl that got on had a cute sounding voice, and although she had a THICK Chinese accent, her English was excellent, but INSANELY fast! Fortunately, I'm pretty fast myself, so I was able to keep up. She was shocked to learn I was loading the SATA drivers from flash. Said that shouldn't be happening with Win 8.1. Blame fell on "You have a bad copy of windows." She made a convincing argument, and after 15 minutes on the phone, my brain was filling up too fast with her doing that cackle thing. I think the women call it "talking." So, I had a plan, and got off the phone.
No worries, I brought my copy of Win7 home from work, and I was sure to shut down my work computer. I'll install this one, then upgrade to 8.1. Good plan, right?
I put in the W7 disk, go to install, and get the same error about can't format/no partition/some MS bullshit. GAAAA Wait, I didn't clean the disk first. Clean, reload, start installing..... I got about 1/3 of the way into the install when it locks up and tells me that windows can't write to the drive... blah blah bullshit.
Now what are the odds that I bought a bad copy of windows (retail packaging, not an iso or oem faildisk.) and ALSO just happened to have a bad copy of win7 sitting on my desk at work.
That's when it hit me that the DVD must be the issue. HAS to be the issue. If it wasn't the issue I was going to throw $2000 and a nice paint job right out the second floor window. This was bringing me to a breaking point.
I drove down to Best Buy and bought a brandy new DVD. This one doesn't have BlueRay. Oh-the-noes! I just don't give a flying fuck any more.
New drive installed, fire up w8.1, go to install......... NOPE! Same error!
GAAAAAA
OK, hold on a second, I thought, maybe the cable? While I was changing the cable I convinced myself that the real issue was that I didn't load the SATA drivers. I just don't care what she said about not needing them. It's right bloody there in the rooty-tootin manual!
Fired everything up, this time I loaded the SATA drivers, then installed.
I have now installed all the drivers and hardware-associated programs. side note - fuck this fucking app shit. It's a god damn fucking program! I'll even call it an application if you jolly well fucking want, but FUCK APPS! - but I digress...
Everything is hooked back up. I even put in the "bad" dvd drive. If I ever pick up a BlueRay disk, I'll test it out. I've restarted at least 6-7 times, and let it rest about 30 min while off. I cross my fingers every time I power it up, and it's going to be a while before I trust it, but it seems to be working well. I need to figure out the tweaking. I don't think I need a full taskbar on each monitor, find a good wallpaper, etc...
One odd thing, when I go to shut down, it won't shut down, it just logs me out. Since I'm on my MS account, it can't get past the password, but before I logged in, it would just log me out, then right back in and to the desktop. Must be a setting somewhere.
Downloading Assassin's Creed Unity and Far Cry 4 right now.