Bless you man.

Sorry to hear that but probably not for the reason you would suspect.  

First let me give you a little background.  My wife has taught pre-school special education for ten years now.  I pretty much live it every day and around more kids with issues than I ever dreamed of.  

Best advice I can give you is get him in a pre-school class.  Despite being in the grade-schools, they're actually federally funded and the teachers not only actually required to be trained in special needs including mandatory continuing education but its really a whole team of people from outside the classroom.  A good majority of the kids my wife works with are mainstreamed by kindergarten.  Heck if you look at my Devil Niece, they're more advanced than she is.  Its really not the 1950's anymore and if your kid not a perfect fit, you hide them away.  Some things just mean they have to work at things harder or from a different direction.  

Now from a personal level, if every parent expected their kid to be a chip off the old block, we'd be damn dissapointed all the time and end up with kids that are screwed up for life.  From my own life, its way more important they grow up to be a good person.  You are just in the beginning stages of that.  Nobody said parenting is easy and it damn sure ain't.  Buck up man.  Your kids no different only now you know.  If he isn't trying to cook the cat in the fireplace, bouncing off walls, and you need to strap him down with noise cancelling headphones to ride in a car, you are a lucky man.  The fact you got your kid, you are a lucky man.

My best friend in life married the dumbest fat person I ever known.  He had two boys one turned just like his dad and one like his mom with an IQ of about 80.  While mom took a nap one day, the one like dad got out of the backyard, fell in the river, and drown.   I can't imagine such a personal tragedy.  For years I worried about the poor slow one left behind.  You know what?  He's still dumb as a rock but grew up to be one of the finest young men I have ever known.  He's simply a pleasure to be around and despite his dad passing away, I still stay in touch with the kid and he's loved by everyone really.  Boy could that have taken a different turn.  

We can't control who our kids are.  All we do is influence those turns.  That's what determines who they become.  Physical things are overcome in life with time, patience, and persistence and are not even a handicap or overlooked entirely if they become a good person.  Molding children they say is like molding clay.  For some of us, its like molding brick.  I sometimes think most of us.  What I found is if you work on that who they become thing, the rest of it works its self out.  

They have some fantastic pre-school special needs classes in your sons age group.  Ten years now, I've envied my wife in how rewarding her job is.  She's had a few, she was convinced was going to be the next Newtown massacre shooter but by far most transition to living a normal childhood and really fast too.  Now is not the time to lose heart.  You've found out.  Now you can do something.  Its worse not knowing.  Most of the kids my wife works with have autism.  She's got a few physically handicapped like one poor little girl with no arms or legs, but most by far are working to get them out of that shell and they do too.

Tj

I don't know how much you know about ADHD yet but did you know the number 1 profession in the US with ADHD?  

This will blow your mind but if you think on it, it makes sense.  Company CEOs.  No kidding.  

Successful CEOs need to have high energy multitask and not dwell on the details thinking instead in macro.  Those with ADHD simply learned how to channel successfully.  

When my son was little TN was the number 1 state in the US for giving out riddlin to school children.  Being a traveler and only child, my son wasn't around siblings or extended families children.   One day in kindergarten, they called me in and told me my kid had ADD.  I was devastated.  Determined to be a good parent, I research the hell out it.  The more I read the more I was convinced he didn't but I did.  I bucked the system and had him tested by a professional instead of taking the word of a speech teacher.  He didn't.  In fact, the physiologist had to pull him off the machine that was suppose to bore the crap out of him.  You know what?  Some 20 years later, here I sit wishing he had a bit more ADD with a hell of a lot more H thrown in.  

A lot of people my age wonder about why we didn't have this stuff when we were kids.  They just can't remember.  We did.  What changed is someone drew a line in the sand is all.  Now we have a line, you cross this, you have that is all.  We've standardized so to say.  

Like my earlier post to our old friend Rat, this stuff is like all things in life.  Its really not a matter of how we get it done only that it gets done and done right.  Its who we are that's important not how we get there.

Tj

Good post as usual but I would like to add, we took a different tact on the sports thing.  We got our son into martial arts.  Its still a team sport, group activity / team competitions, but its way more progress individually at your own pace.  Man, you think soccer or rugby is hard on a parent, try marital arts.  Its 3-5 times a week.  That said, it gives the kid a social group outside their normal groups like school and church and martial arts kids are good kids.  Bad kids don't take to the discipline.  Its really not what most people think either.  These kids square off when they are ready all the time so there's nothing for them to prove outside their training.  They're actually less likely to fight etc. When they are forced though, its way more "Oh boy I get to use this stuff".  A good school builds character and at least in the US, they're the most ethnically and culturally diverse environments for children without all the PC crap.  

Tj

Talked to wife on how to start that you can do at home.

They have this program they call "Pecks" for some reason I don't get.  It really stands for Pictures.  Its a transition phase they use to get them to talk.  You take pictures of their favorite things and make cards out of it.  Then you get them to hand you a card if they want something.  Juice, for example, a picture of juice.  

Three is the age they start them in pre-school special ed around here.  Potting training and changing diapers are a who's turn is it today.  Its every day in the class.  Some kids are in and out with their special need addressed.  You know I'd say most kids really.  A much smaller number move on to higher level special needs classes and very rarely (they don't use this term anymore) is one institutionalized and that's mainly because they have the parents from hell.  Sometimes that's literally too.  They got this set now with updown crosses in their house, dead animals under the floors, and pentagrams tattoed on their skin.  The poor kids a mess, major behavior problem, threatening to kill people and as dead serious as a 3-4 year old can be, and the teachers actually laugh behind closed doors that he has perfect grammer in using the "F" word which comes out of the little guys lips every sentence.  You see what I mean?  His case he has both a special needs issue and an environment that has to be addressed.  Now this said, ten years, my wife has only had two, only two.  The other one once moved to mainstream use to strip off, tell the whole class to "F" off, stand on a desk, try to pee on all of them, then dart out the door naked to run in front a car.  Strange as this sounds, his real problem was he was a danger to himself.  By far, the vast majority of children are just a little slow here or there and they either need to catch up or learn the special trick that works for them for lack of a better word they don't use, be normal.  They go from special needs pre-school right into kindergarten then we only see them at restaurants or stores where they usually scream my wife's name and run up and give a hug.

Well there was one exception.  Funny as hell too.  Going to dinner one night, there was a line outside.  Sitting there was a little guy, cut little fellow.  He took one look at my wife and started bawling like a baby screaming, "I don't want to go to school."  Everyone got a good laugh because you talk about mainstreaming, man, that's mainstreaming.  

Though its frowned upon and technically against the rules, my wife has made friends with a lot of parents over the years.  You can't help it as they share a child's affection.  Amazing how little kids totally out of it in many ways click right in step once in a group, see other kids doing something.  They have team support on this stuff, speech therapists,  physical and occupational therapists, physiologists, nurses, etc. and each child's curriculum is designed specifically around their needs.   Its this much this a day or week and this much time with this person or that one.  Very rarely is social services involved.  That's considered counterproductive and only in cases of suspected abuse.  Parents are part of the team and attend meetings regularly to discuss the program goals specific for their child and have input.  Now the good or bad news is, its not at that age typically an all day thing, regular school hours.  Depending on their needs, they get placed in classes with similar needs and it can only be a couple hours a day so many days a week.  Its quite impressive all the shared information nationally on evaluation and defining what works then constantly adjusting.  

Because its very typical these days for both parents to work, its not uncommon for grandparents to be involved in the schedules for pick up etc. and some little ones go right from school to a day care.  Its really all over the place depending on a circumstance.  

Now the good news is very often the pre-school special needs class in our county a child goes to isn't even in the school they will attend.  Sometimes it is.  Its a circumstance of where you live, where the classes are, and what needs are needed.  Unlike things like speech therapy in kindergarten, it doesn't follow them all through grade school.  That's kind of the idea of a pre-school program, address it early.  Home schooling isn't like it use to be either.  There's all sorts of support groups now for like minded parents of home schoolers to mainstream so there is no lacking of social skills (another way of saying putting up with the problem kids).  

I can't advise you on home schooling or private schooling.  In retrospect, I often question my decision to have my boy go to public school.  The time we spent undoing the PC crap and/or filling in the blanks, we came pretty close to having the same effort.  I do think its the effort that counts.  Three though is very young.  My little guy which one big ole guy now, wasn't talking at three either.  I often think it was because mom has ESP and just met his needs before he had to vocalize it.  Though a parent will never be satsified and always want more for their children no matter what age they are, I had to admit, my boys a good person.  In that I have been very lucky.  He hasn't put me through a 10th of what I did my parents but then that's yet another one of those don't know its and retrospect things you realize years down the road.

Tj

I hear you.  There's all sorts of private schools here but they all have a waiting list, you almost have to sign up the day the kids born to get in.  Like I posted, in retrospect I don't know.  There is such a thing as too much socialization too.  When my son discovered girls, man, its like he went stupid or something.  His grades went down the drain.  LOL  

This I can tell you, the pre-school special ed is though in a school is almost like a totally different school.  Its a federal thing that they even have their own management and have to meet federal guidelines.  Very few of the children here actually end up going to the school they had their pre-school special ed.  Its whole goal is to get children over the hump so to say so they can mainstream whatever direction that is.  Just check your state laws on homeschooling which I'm sure you have.  TN, for example, has this BS thing if in the system, you have to stay in the system, but even then the exception is special needs pre-school.  Though they cover the basics of pre-school, their real aim is to teach a child how to learn to their specific needs.  It surprises me how successful they are.  

Sounds like you are just in the beginning stages, defining the what and the need.  Stay encouraged because like I posted, they're no different just now you know and now you can address it.  Its just one more bump in the road of life.  You'll have way more even bigger ones than this.  I look back when I was a kid and wish we had programs that identified and addressed things like Autism.  Although three even four is still really early, its so important to get over those humps in their learning so much stage.  Kids grow out of all sorts of things and often so fast it blows your mind.

Tj