SHTF for me - AR15.COM

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - SHTF for me (Page 1 of 5)

Posted: 4/3/2014 1:41:34 PM EDT

Sorry guys,
Long time lurker, rare poster. The SHTF for me. I was recently told I was being "let go" from my job. I still can't find another one, but I have until the end of June. And today I got served with divorce papers from my wife of 12 years. Out of the blue... My face is leaking, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if it's TMI, but I don't have many friends, and I've never been in a place this dark before. I really don't know what to do. Ideas?

Posted: 4/3/2014 1:53:11 PM EDT

[#1]

That sucks. At least you get both problems behind you at once and can start fresh.

Posted: 4/3/2014 1:55:05 PM EDT

[#2]

First, take a deep breath.

Next, start making a list of things you need to do. Keep the list simple with things, almost like a "to do" list.

Then, start crossing things off. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you need support or a place to vent, you've got it right here on this board.

Posted: 4/3/2014 1:57:27 PM EDT

[#3]

Double back and re- group. Pull up those boot straps op and hit the pavement looking for the next job. Something will come along but you have to be hungry for it and pursue it hard. As for the soon to be ex, when mine left me it sucked hard, but things have a way of working themselves out. Take sometime to reflect the reasons and make sure you don't repeat you mistakes. I now have a new wife of 5yrs 2 beautiful daughters and the third due next week. Best thing my ex ever did for me was to GTFO. Stay positive op and stay focused. Things get better.

Posted: 4/3/2014 2:14:30 PM EDT

[#4]

Is it really out of the blue? Does it stem from the fact that you are out of work now? No martial issues what-so-ever previously?

Posted: 4/3/2014 2:20:57 PM EDT

[#5]

I still have my job, but until the end of June. I've had two interviews for new jobs, but no responses yet. Yes, it's out of the blue, at least for me. I thought all was well, apparently I was wrong.

Posted: 4/3/2014 2:30:21 PM EDT

[#6]

Been there, done that.

Immediate action items: Get a lawyer, now. If all your money in in joint accounts,
move some of it into a non-joint account, now as well unless your lawyer tells you otherwise.
I've heard too many situations where the accounts get cleared out and you can't even get a lawyer.

If you have kids, it well get complicated. If you don't have kids, I'll repeat the advice that was
given to me, which is to make any reasonable concession she wants in order for her to go away
quickly and leave you to keep all you money once she's gone.

Short term: you need to go into conservation mode knowing that there's not another job
lined up and you're going to be paying your lawyer and/or your ex. Jettison all unnecessary
expenses. Depending on the housing situation you may need to look for a cheap place to
stay or not, again lawyer can advise on how to handle this.

Longer term: it gets better. Had a very similar situation to me and a year after the divorce
I was doing better than any time in my life before, so don't give up hope.

Posted: 4/3/2014 2:43:22 PM EDT

[#7]

Thank you. I now have the numbers of two attorneys: one used to be a family law judge, and the other is said to be a "shark." I don't know who to go with. we have no kids, and the financials should be easy as I'm broke

. Thanks to all of you for your help and support! I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow because my heart is beating too fast and and I think my blood pressure is way too high. My mom now wants to visit me, and I guess that's probably a good thing.

Posted: 4/3/2014 2:50:30 PM EDT

[#8]

If you are actually broke, and JUST broke... You are actually in the enviable position of having nothing to lose.
Sorry about marriage, that is a blow to the balls there.
scratch up enough for retainer, hire lawyer, then GET out of town for a month.
Change of scenery is the best medicine.
sell anything you can, buy a thousand dollar motorcycle, and roll through 20 states or so.
Go do something that you wanted to do, but COULDNT because you were too busy working, and married.
look at it this way :
You are a free man. You can now DO ANYTHING.
.
.
. The rest of your life begins TODAY.

( Fullpower said that )

Posted: 4/3/2014 2:58:35 PM EDT

[#9]

I'd start by getting the hell out of Florida.

Posted: 4/3/2014 2:58:57 PM EDT

[#10]

sorry man. relax and keep your head up. like other have said start fresh!

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:04:22 PM EDT

[#11]

FD,

I can't hardly imagine what a double whammy like you got would do to me... Just know that you will get through it and things may, possibly, even work out for the better. Hang in there and keep talking to us.

TriumphRider

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:09:07 PM EDT

[#12]

Thank you, guys! This will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. It must. I believe it. Thank you all, again! What do you think for an attorney, former judge or "shark"?

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:16:30 PM EDT

[#13]

Quoted:
Sorry guys,
Long time lurker, rare poster. The SHTF for me. I was recently told I was being "let go" from my job. I still can't find another one, but I have until the end of June. And today I got served with divorce papers from my wife of 12 years. Out of the blue... My face is leaking, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if it's TMI, but I don't have many friends, and I've never been in a place this dark before. I really don't know what to do. Ideas?

View Quote

The worst thing to do is be alone right now. There are groups for people that will be and are divorced. Find them. Don't sit and hit the booze get out and get involved with some type of group...hiking, biking hell even bowling. And remember this its something my buddy said. " you'll forget about her after the next pussy you go balls deep on". Carry on.

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:19:05 PM EDT

[#14]

Hang in there brother. What you're going through is not fun, but you can survive it. Don't ever give up.

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:26:19 PM EDT

[#15]

How old are you?

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:28:32 PM EDT

[#16]

Quoted:
Sorry guys,
Long time lurker, rare poster. The SHTF for me. I was recently told I was being "let go" from my job. I still can't find another one, but I have until the end of June. And today I got served with divorce papers from my wife of 12 years. Out of the blue... My face is leaking, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if it's TMI, but I don't have many friends, and I've never been in a place this dark before. I really don't know what to do. Ideas?

View Quote

It will get better Doc. It seems terrible now but trust me it will get better. Stay strong.

Jim

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:32:22 PM EDT

[#17]

I'm 38. Been married 12 years. No kids. I'm just in shock of it all. It's like watching a train wreck happen, but I'm on it. I feel physically sick, that's why I'm going to my doctor tomorrow.

Posted: 4/3/2014 3:43:49 PM EDT

[#18]

As others have written, it will get better. Keep yourself busy. Look for a new job, get into a hobby you like and keep your mind occupied. I always find exercise helped me through those bad times.

Posted: 4/3/2014 4:22:52 PM EDT

[#19]

Heed that 'shark somethings' post. First concern is Protect yourself. Move some cash to your own name (but don't hide them) so she will not get control of all and leave you unable to fight for yourself. On Lawyers: Do NOT get one to fight or punish her, that will just bleed your money, get the lawyer who will best PROTECT you.

If you have some type of pension, 401k, 457, pay a settlement if possible to get her out of that completely. If not, because there is more than one way to split them later down the road, spell it out very carefully or she can get a bigger chunk than you planned for.

Mortgages, Loans. Beware: Example: House mortgage. Joint on mortgage, she keeps the house and agrees to take over the full payments but later defaults. YOU then still have to make the payment though you have no right to the house. Some lawyers will not mention that.

Posted: 4/3/2014 4:37:31 PM EDT

[#20]

Quote History

Quoted:

I'm 38. Been married 12 years. No kids. I'm just in shock of it all. It's like watching a train wreck happen, but I'm on it. I feel physically sick, that's why I'm going to my doctor tomorrow.

View Quote

Going to your doc probably isn't a bad idea if you think you're having BP issues, etc. like you previously posted.

Please use caution taking any kind of "happy pill" they give you for anxiety, though. I've seen those thing lead to horrible outcomes.

Prayers for you OP, it'll get better eventually.

Posted: 4/3/2014 4:51:09 PM EDT

[#21]

Hang in there. Be diligent on the job search. Be proactive and don't wait to hear back just continue to throw out lines as if you won't hear from any of them. Alot of people go in to downtime mode thinking they'll hear back from their first 2 leads and lose mucho time that way.

Posted: 4/3/2014 5:05:28 PM EDT

[#22]

+1 on the lawyer - immediately.

Since you have no kids and no money, this is really akin to a run-of-the-mill breakup with a few legal implications, and your former spouse will try ant take some of your shit (don't let her have the guns...

). I know it feels worse, but it does greatly simplify things.

Focus on getting another job. Become obsessed with it. Put everything else out of your mind, make your resume perfect, cast a WIDE net, apply to a dozen positions a day, be prepared to relocate, and you WILL find something. You NEED money, you need a job. If you have that you can recover from everything else, and before you know it you'll be a single guy hitting up the bars for one-night stands again... or whatever floats your boat.

It's not the end of the world. Get a lawyer, let him focus on your divorce, YOU focus on the job situation. You'll get past it and make something new out of it.

Posted: 4/3/2014 5:24:19 PM EDT

[#23]

Assuming your doc says you are safe to do so, PT (physical training, a.k.a., exercise) as much as you can. You will feel much better. Nothing like a 2-a-day if you are upset about something.

Posted: 4/3/2014 5:40:34 PM EDT

[#24]

Quote History

Quoted:
I'm 38. Been married 12 years..

View Quote

This is almost exactly what happened to me about the same age too. This is a women's "mid-life" crisis, they figure they are still young enough to explore the world since they arent tied down to kids and young enough to bag another guy without being the "old maid".

The best part for me, she married a loser, is broke, getting kicked out of their apartment, quit a 60k a year job to be "self employed" but was forced to use all her 401k (so no retirement), borrowing money from his mommy and daddy, gained about 20-30lbs (and it looks horrible on her), got a boob job and just trying to figure out her next step.

I see your in Florida, depending where you are, shot me a PM and maybe get together and shoot the shit and vent.

Some quick and dirty advice.

1) No matter how much it hurts, dont ever let her know it or show it.

2) Be confident in your life , esp around her., the idea is to make her think the break up doesnt bother you and life goes on (which it does). Eventually things will come together for you and you will move on and find happiness again.

3) Focus on your career, this is what I did, and got promoted to a position that figured id never get.

4) Stay outa the friend zone, if she left you, she dont care about you. she did it for pure selfish reasons. There is probably another guy, get over it and move on.

5) No kids, divorce should be quick and easy. The fact she blind sided you with it means she has been planning it. Look back and Ill bet you will see signs of it coming. I did , after the dust settled, things she said and did months leading up to it made more sense (didnt want to look at houses or vacation property, didnt want to go visit my family, etc etc).

Posted: 4/3/2014 6:03:13 PM EDT

[#25]

I am a glass half empty type.....

I say this is a good thing. Being unemployed with no dependents = FREEDOM

Even if you don't feel that way right now. It beats unemployed with dependents.

Get your finances secured. Don't move out. Don't date. Get a good lawyer. She hit ya when you were down....don't be chivalrous.

Posted: 4/3/2014 6:04:07 PM EDT

[#26]

Sorry to hear it but here is the long term view.

She just did you a favor serving you while you have no job. You have no income so she isn't getting any alimony and you get off free hopefully.

Be glad you got off easy and get a prenup next time.

I have to pay ex alimony for the rest of my life due to my mistake.

Posted: 4/3/2014 6:08:30 PM EDT

[#27]

Thanks to you all! There is still a lot to take in, but I really appreciate all of your input!

Posted: 4/3/2014 6:28:20 PM EDT

[#28]

remember sometimes its better to appear like a lamb instead of a lion
use the ex judge for your lawyer

1st appear weak and pathetic around her until divorce is finalized
tell your lawyer not to give anymore than absolutely necessary

2nd when divorce is over and finalized then turn off the act and switch to your strong, happy self
it will make her NUTS

3RD REMEMBER THIS
every day you wake up and are alive is a GOOD DAY!

Posted: 4/3/2014 6:42:57 PM EDT

[#29]

It sucks to go through this process. Consider it as a right of passage. The storm will pass.

Now, Look at the opportunity that you have! You are in an enviable position. No ties, can go anywhere, take any job, maybe in a new location and fresh start!

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and take care of business. Divorce is a business. Negotiate the contract, cover your bases and implement. The emotion and sentiment is to be left behind.

As they say, "Why is a divorce so expensive? Because they are worth it."

Bob

Posted: 4/3/2014 6:46:29 PM EDT

[#30]

what do you currently do for work? option to move back in the with the parents? at least until you get back on your feet.

Posted: 4/3/2014 7:54:47 PM EDT

[#31]

I'd suggest going with the family law guy and not the shark.

Sharks are in it for money, and the idea is to get past this as quickly as possible,
not to pay lawyers or squeeze the soon-to-be-ex. An ex-judge will likely be
viewed better and more kindly by whoever presides over the case. If you do this
right, make acceptable concessions, you can be out within a few days of the
minimum times in your state. The sooner you are free, the better (time is money,
and there's no point in spending more money on lawyers or the ex.)

I agree on no happy pills (antidepressants) and going with PT, but a tranquilizer
isn't a bad thing under the circumstances and a lorazepam is hell of a lot easier
on your than shots of whiskey are. My doc gave me 30 days when I got divorced,
and it (along with lawyer, friends and family) was all I needed to get back on
track.

If you're genuinely broke and not in significant debt, you're in a great position.
If you have debt, that's something the lawyer will work on to split with the ex,
and/or potentially do a bankruptcy if it's too large to handle.

Posted: 4/3/2014 8:17:25 PM EDT

[#32]

your 38, finish the divorce, sell your shit, and enlist in the military.

Clean slate, new skill set and you get to hang with the best group of guys on the planet.

Posted: 4/3/2014 9:13:03 PM EDT

[#33]

Quote History

Quoted:
If you are actually broke, and JUST broke... You are actually in the enviable position of having nothing to lose.
Sorry about marriage, that is a blow to the balls there.
scratch up enough for retainer, hire lawyer, then GET out of town for a month.
Change of scenery is the best medicine.
sell anything you can, buy a thousand dollar motorcycle, and roll through 20 states or so.
Go do something that you wanted to do, but COULDNT because you were too busy working, and married.
look at it this way :
You are a free man. You can now DO ANYTHING.
.
.
. The rest of your life begins TODAY.

( Fullpower said that )

View Quote

Yep, hard to place a value on being a FREE MAN!!!!!

What kind of job are you looking for???

Posted: 4/3/2014 9:14:02 PM EDT

[#34]

Quote History

Quoted:
Thank you. I now have the numbers of two attorneys: one used to be a family law judge, and the other is said to be a "shark." I don't know who to go with. we have no kids, and the financials should be easy as I'm broke

. Thanks to all of you for your help and support! I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow because my heart is beating too fast and and I think my blood pressure is way too high. My mom now wants to visit me, and I guess that's probably a good thing.

View Quote

Family law judge.

Posted: 4/3/2014 9:14:48 PM EDT

[#35]

Quote History

Quoted:

The worst thing to do is be alone right now. There are groups for people that will be and are divorced. Find them. Don't sit and hit the booze get out and get involved with some type of group...hiking, biking hell even bowling. And remember this its something my buddy said. " you'll forget about her after the next pussy you go balls deep on". Carry on.

View Quote View All Quotes

View All Quotes

Quote History

Quoted:

Quoted:
Sorry guys,
Long time lurker, rare poster. The SHTF for me. I was recently told I was being "let go" from my job. I still can't find another one, but I have until the end of June. And today I got served with divorce papers from my wife of 12 years. Out of the blue... My face is leaking, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if it's TMI, but I don't have many friends, and I've never been in a place this dark before. I really don't know what to do. Ideas?

The worst thing to do is be alone right now. There are groups for people that will be and are divorced. Find them. Don't sit and hit the booze get out and get involved with some type of group...hiking, biking hell even bowling. And remember this its something my buddy said. " you'll forget about her after the next pussy you go balls deep on". Carry on.

Yep, stay far away from the booze...

Posted: 4/3/2014 10:15:58 PM EDT

[#36]

If you are in the Lakeland/Winter Haven area (Polk county), I can recommend a lawyer if you are still looking. I just paid for and helped my daughter through a divorce.

Good luck. You have been given a lot of good advice. There is life on the other side of this. Take care of yourself.

Posted: 4/3/2014 10:25:36 PM EDT

[#37]

Hey pal, in case I missed it..... Where in Florida are you? SW here....

Posted: 4/3/2014 10:38:05 PM EDT

[#38]

I've been there twice. The main thing to remember is no matter what she says it took both of you to get to the point of divorce just as it took both to get to marriage. Don't let her put the "this is all your fault" grief on top of anything else happening. Moving is an option now since your single. I don't know what you do but oilfield work pays well and it's not in Florida. There is a lot of good advice so far here but don't push your self into anything your not ready for. Stop, think, then react.

Posted: 4/4/2014 1:21:21 AM EDT

[#39]

Hang in there OP. It's amazing how many times something that looks like the end of the world turns out to be, in fact, a change for the better. I've seen it over and over again.

What line of work are are you in? What other marketable skills do you have? Might be a great opportunity to look for a job doing something you want to do instead of something you need to do.

Posted: 4/4/2014 2:45:18 AM EDT

[#40]

Ive been there too. It does get better. Im happier now than I ever was before.
Just watch out for the domestic violence injunction..aka the back door divorce. Lots of FL lawyers like to use that on the husbands.
Find some of the FL guys in your area, support is important!

Posted: 4/4/2014 4:11:37 AM EDT

[#41]

Thanks guy! I'm in SE Florida. Like I said I don't have many friends. This is just so much. Two swift kicks in the balls at the same time...

Posted: 4/4/2014 4:52:37 AM EDT

[#42]

Quote History

Quoted:
Thanks guy! I'm in SE Florida. Like I said I don't have many friends. This is just so much. Two swift kicks in the balls at the same time...

View Quote

What kind of work do you do, what skill sets do you have? If your interested in the VA jobs, we have an office in St Pete.

Posted: 4/4/2014 5:17:41 AM EDT

[#43]

I'm in a very specialized area of medicine, so it's hard to directly move my skill set. I might have to retrain into something more general. But, now I'm open to anything reasonable. It might be easier for me to just flat out start over in something else.

Posted: 4/4/2014 5:27:54 AM EDT

[#44]

Quote History

Quoted:
That sucks. At least you get both problems behind you at once and can start fresh.

View Quote

This. View it as an opportunity. As for lawyers the judge probably be the best one since they see and hear every tactic known to man.

Posted: 4/4/2014 5:40:20 AM EDT

[#45]

I've now got an appointment with the ex-judge on Monday. I will see my family doc in an hour or so for my blood pressure, which is now sky high. Thanks again all!

Posted: 4/4/2014 5:59:24 AM EDT

[#46]

Quote History

Quoted:
I am a glass half empty type.....

I say this is a good thing. Being unemployed with no dependents = FREEDOM

Even if you don't feel that way right now. It beats unemployed with dependents.

Get your finances secured. Don't move out. Don't date. Get a good lawyer. She hit ya when you were down....don't be chivalrous.

View Quote

I think you mean you're a glass half full guy.. . . . .?

OP: As someone who's had some things go down, I'll start here:

Do you pray? Any parents or siblings?

DO: secure your cash and your stuff. Find someone to talk to. Get fit. Get obsessed with finding a job. Once you find the job, start dating.

DO NOT: Increase your drinking. Take any anxiety meds. Do any "if only" thinking. Go down the dark path.

Time will give you the perspective you need. You just have to get through this time, whether it's weeks or months, while your mind spins this around.

One thing you'll learn: SHE wasn't and isn't worth your soul. If she walked out as described, she's probably not the human being you fell in love with. Or maybe you simply projected upon her the person you WANTED to fall in love with. Let her go. It may seem hard now, but as you rebuild yourself, you'll start to get clarity.

I've been where you are. You are still You. You are not the miserable person you are making yourself out to be.

Good luck.

Posted: 4/4/2014 6:38:02 AM EDT

[#47]

Quote History

Quoted:
I've now got an appointment with the ex-judge on Monday. I will see my family doc in an hour or so for my blood pressure, which is now sky high. Thanks again all!

View Quote

Good.

Might want to go for a consult with the shark too, not necessarily because you will use him, but it will prevent your soon to be ex-wife from using him too.

Posted: 4/4/2014 7:22:09 AM EDT

[#48]

Quote History

Quoted:
I'm in a very specialized area of medicine, so it's hard to directly move my skill set. I might have to retrain into something more general. But, now I'm open to anything reasonable. It might be easier for me to just flat out start over in something else.

View Quote

I know very lil about medical training, but like most jobs, isnt there a "base" level of skill that is taught and then people specialize from there out? Couldnt u fall back into practical medicine or something? Like I said, I have no idea, just trying to think out of the box a bit.

Posted: 4/4/2014 7:35:06 AM EDT

[#49]

I practice family law.

1. Get everything that is irreplaceable and that you want out of that house.

Guns. Jewelry ammo. Cameras everything that can walk off or be moved.

Make the bank accounts safe so she can't take the rent money.

2. Enjoy your freedom. Move on.

Posted: 4/4/2014 8:04:48 AM EDT

[#50]

Quote History

Quoted:
If you are actually broke, and JUST broke... You are actually in the enviable position of having nothing to lose.
Sorry about marriage, that is a blow to the balls there.
scratch up enough for retainer, hire lawyer, then GET out of town for a month.
Change of scenery is the best medicine.
sell anything you can, buy a thousand dollar motorcycle, and roll through 20 states or so.
Go do something that you wanted to do, but COULDNT because you were too busy working, and married.
look at it this way :
You are a free man. You can now DO ANYTHING.
.
.
. The rest of your life begins TODAY.

( Fullpower said that )

View Quote

It's hard to see it this way, but This! Most people live lives of quiet desperation and mediocrity, because they're are trapped by circumstances.

Change is the only constant in life. Things are always getting better- or worse, but never staying the same.

Change sucks. It's hard. But you have you shake yourself outa the doldrums and insist on better.

Living well is the Best Revenge.

Where in FL? I'm in the FLL area. If you're close, send me an IM, we'll grab a beer.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - SHTF for me (Page 1 of 5)

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