It appears I have a stalker (at public events only)
it seems I have a stalker…
I'm putting this here as I didn't feel comfortable putting it in GD. Figured maybe one of the other gals has experience with this. Sorry this is so long, but I had to provide some background as to why this guy creeps me out so much and makes me very uncomfortable.
A little more than 2.5 years ago, I dated a guy maybe 8-10 times over 3 months. Met him online, but he's local to me. Nice guy at first, but after a while just turned into a jerk. Guy was an immigrant within the past 10 years. He had another close relative here whom he lived with. Guy was VERY old school. After not seeing him for several weeks, he calls in late winter 2009, asking me out again. I said "No, thank you" and firmly but politely told him that I did not want to go out again as there were too many cultural differences. Guy would constantly mutter derogatory comments under his breath, but loud enough to hear, about "independent American women" (and that was the mild stuff).
I never heard from the guy via email or phone after that at all. I happened to change my cell number a few months later and he never had my home landline number. He visited my church once. I had him over for dinner once (before he became a jerk), after he had me over to his place for dinner. I don't think he could find my place again since I'm at the back of a very maze-like apartment complex. Hasn't shown his face at my church since the one time he visited while we were dating.
Fast forward to late winter 2010. I'm at an area-wide event for my denomination. Guy comes to sit at my table (I'm with people he apparently knew), with family members and his FIANCE in tow. I talked to the sister some, but that was it. Very awkward. He treated the fiance like dirt, right in front of me, all sorts of derogatory comments. And she didn't say hardly anything, just took it. Must have really low self-worth to put up with a guy who treats her that badly - in public. They married spring 2010.
I thought maybe the encounter with that guy and his entourage at that event was just a fluke. But it kept happening - all last fall and winter, too. I didn't seem them for a while, then late spring of this year (2011), they show up for something, but with a new baby in tow, too.
What this guy does is he tries at all costs to sit at the same table I am. He's even tried to push his way in and force room for them when there clearly is no room. He gets up and follows me when I get up to get food or something to drink. He's always starting at me. If he can't sit at my table, he sits as close as possible. If I'm stuck at the same table with the guy and his entourage due to the meal or a speaker beginning, I ignore them totally. I've so far not wanted to cause a scene or anything. Just ignoring them.
I'm in leadership locally for my denomination so I'm expected to be at a good many of these area wide events, but none in summer. I told several friends who turned out to know this guy about what's been going on, but they just laugh and say the guy attends all the events in our area. They didn't take me seriously at all, but they've not seen any of the stuff. Close friends at my current church know what is going on, including my pastor. I've got several VERY tall men I know who are aware of the situation and have said they will help me out if situation requires it at an event.
I'm not changing my life for this guy - or not much. I'm a very observant sort and continually people watch around me. As a single woman, my radar is always on a high setting. Since I'm in IL, CCW is not an option as it's not legal. I've recently gotten my FOID card, but due to my current schedule and obligations, I can't go shooting with any of the local Arfcom women or even on my own to a range with an instructor/take a class until after the beginning of the year at the earliest.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? The guy has been staying the other side of the line. Nothing I could really report to the cops, especially since he's not tried to contact me at home via phone/email, hasn't visited my church, etc. Ignoring him has not worked, as he is still trying to force his way into sitting at my table at events, following me around, etc.
Friends stick close to me at events where he is (I left them know via text if he's there).
I'm at a loss. Guy is scum. I've seen him berate his wife verbally in public more than a few times. Much better to be single than with a guy who doesn't respect you and treats you like dirt. He didn't like independent American women who can think for themselves, and boy, did he get the opposite of that! I should feel sorry for the guy's wife, but hey, he was treating her badly in public before they were married, so it wasn't news to her that it happens!
Maybe I should talk about guns in his hearing, though! I have no qualms about being a witch if necessary. I've taken security precautions - having a PO box, being very careful about what I put on Facebook or Google+ or what I post elsewhere online. I'm also very careful about what information I give my friends (as in what's going on in my life) who also know this guy. The whole things just sets off alarms and red flags and a queasy feeling in my gut. The guy does this in front of his WIFE. That alone tells you he's lower than pond scum.
Thanks for any advice/suggestions.
Always, always, always follow your gut.
Make sure you are never alone at these functions.
Can you carry pepper spray?
Originally Posted By SpeechPathJunkie:
Always, always, always follow your gut.
Make sure you are never alone at these functions.
Can you carry pepper spray?
Yes, pepper spray is legal (I checked it out).
What nationality that disrespect women?
Originally Posted By buckeyeborn:
What nationality that disrespect women?
Check your PMs. Didn't want to put that info out here as it's too identifying to the situation.
It sounds like you are on the right track.
If there comes a situation where you are able - I would recommend making it perfectly clear (in public) that you do not want his company. I say that with the thought that it gives you solid standing should it come to a restraining order if he ever toes the line. It would be better that you have people who know you publicly told him to leave you alone - and that he knows that they know as well.
Best of luck.
Trust your gut.
Sometimes our subconscious picks up clues that our conscious mind does not.
Keep up your guard.
Make sure your church hierarchy is aware of the situation. Once they are, then have someone (male) from either his church or yours pull him aside and firmly tell him that is behavior is unwelcome and being monitored. That might be enough to make him back off. If it doesn't, then consider having him banned from events at which you are present, since he has been given a chance to correct his behavior and hasn't.
Document all of this. If that still doesn't work, get a restraining order. Good luck.
