AR15.Com Archives
 How about a few limericks There once was a man from kent...
EMORY308  [Member]
8/4/2010 2:45:49 PM EST
I will start
There once was a man named Dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave
he said "what the hell"
I`ll get used to the smell
just think of the money I`ll save.

There once was a man named Screwy Dick,
A man who was born with a spiral prick.
His life was spent in one long hunt
to find the girl with the spiral cunt.
When he found her he dropped dead,
'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread!!!

These were a big hit with me when i was young, Now that I am older i love them even more.


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midnitecreeper  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 2:47:39 PM EST
There once was a man from Norway
his ball got caught in the doorway
along came his wife with a big carving knife
now his balls are in the hallway!

xdoctor  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 2:48:26 PM EST
There once was a barmaid from Veil,
Who had on her chest,
All the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille.
savage1971  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 2:59:27 PM EST
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it.
Bitmap  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:00:55 PM EST
There was an old miser named Dave
Who found a dead whore in a cave.
Though it's disgustin', while he was thrustin'
he thought of the money he'd saved.

An art buff in London named Snowe
was accosted a fortnight ago.
He's alleged to have quipped when a flasher unzipped
"Your exhibit's well hung sir, good show."
Dumpster_Baby  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:03:39 PM EST
The was a man from South Boston
who bought himself a new Austin
there was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
the rest hung out and he lost 'em

DDiggler  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:05:19 PM EST
Here's one that I wrote in college for a literary course in the 90's, before I realized I should be politically correct on campus.

Luckily I knew the prof.

In San Francisco's daily agenda
Homosexuals are sure to offend ya.
The Chinese they say
Cause the most accidents each day
You better hope it's a Chinese who rear-ends ya.
TheYellowThing  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:08:01 PM EST
There once was a man named Houdini
Who spilled some gin on his wienie
Not to be uncouth
He dipped it in some vermouth
And slipped his wife a martini
SWMP15AOP  [Member]
8/4/2010 3:10:34 PM EST
There once was a dear girl named Alice
Who used a dymamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And the rest of dear Alice in Dallas.
speedfreak955  [Member]
8/4/2010 3:11:38 PM EST
What is this limerick of which you speak?
For the Haiku is fodder for the Arfcom Geek
Scotch /Irish I may be,
like my forefathers I long to be Free,
Limericks are not for the weak
MochaJava  [Member]
8/4/2010 3:12:16 PM EST
There once was a man from Madras
whose balls were made out of brass.
When they banged together
they played Stormy Weather
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Wayward_Texan  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:16:27 PM EST
I will finish the one you started in the title...

there once was a man from Kent
his dick was so long it was bent
to save the girls trouble
he stuck it in double
instead of coming he went
CletusRoundbelly  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:17:54 PM EST
There once was a lady, god bless her
Who tried to jump over her dresser
She caught her shirt tail
On an eight-penny nail
and tore open her P i double S er


A pirate one day, history relates
was wrestling on deck with some of his mates
He fell on his cutlass,
which rendered him nutless
and totally useless on dates.


There once was a lass from Brewster
Who's ass was so fine that I goosed her
but her panties were thin
and my finger slipped in
and now it don't smell like it used 'ter

LePew  [Member]
8/4/2010 3:24:42 PM EST
A truck driving lesbo named Spike
Hauled dildos at night down the pike
When stopped by the fuzz
and asked what it was that she does
She replied "I'm a fake-dick van dyke"


ETA: alert....

There once was a girl from the Azores
Whose pussy was covered with sores
The dogs in the streets would eat the green meats
that hung in festoons from her drawers.
Vulcan94  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:24:55 PM EST
There once was a girl named Denise,
Who everyone wanted a piece.
So She put up this sign,
with the following line.
"Pussy, for sale or for lease."



Vulcan94
speedfreak955  [Member]
8/4/2010 3:28:46 PM EST
There once was a Georgia born fellow,
After beers, his mood it would mellow,
But in a sober state,
aware of his fate,
No one ever called Mr. Holliday"Yellow"
webtaz99  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:33:42 PM EST
There once was a woman named Honey,
who did something you might say was funny.
She'd wad up a buck
in her cunt when she'd fuck
so her husband could come into money.
MichiganMafia  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:39:24 PM EST
There once was a man named Blair
Who was banging his wife on the stair
The banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in the air
Zoomer302  [Member]
8/4/2010 3:46:45 PM EST
There once was a man from Peru
Who, one night fell asleep in a canoe.
While dreaming of Venus
He played with his penis
And woke up with a handful of Goo
Cpt_Kirks  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:52:12 PM EST
There once was a man from Kenya,
Who wanted to tax and skin ya,

He married a Wookie,
But didn't know Snookie,

I tried to warn ya, now dindna?

Shawnmt6601  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:53:10 PM EST
wow those are great! i have never heard any of those
DDiggler  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:55:52 PM EST
A poster named ShawnOfTheDead
Went to an orgy looking for head.
The lure of a good blowing
Made him say "Fuck it I'm foing"
Now I'm afraid the hogs are well fed.
pcsutton  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:58:10 PM EST
There original post was by Emory
whos' lymrics stirred a fuckin' wierd memory,
He'd tried to screw a chicken,
but when he got his dickin,
that Jap bird cried "Fuuky-no-mori!!"


Ah, well.......
ISED8U  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 3:59:28 PM EST
Old ricky ticky was a good old soul
He beat his wife with a green cane pole
Lined a hundred women up on the wall
Bet a hundred dollars he could fuck them all
Fucked down to number ninety-eight when his dick started turning blue
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two
vherring  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:04:21 PM EST
Originally Posted By Cpt_Kirks:
There once was a man from Kenya,
Who wanted to tax and skin ya,

He married a Wookie,
But didn't know Snookie,

I tried to warn ya, now dindna?



Best one so far.
Delbaeth  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:06:33 PM EST
There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her cherry was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike
But it really was broken from pokin'
Cpt_Kirks  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:07:55 PM EST
Originally Posted By vherring:
Originally Posted By Cpt_Kirks:
There once was a man from Kenya,
Who wanted to tax and skin ya,

He married a Wookie,
But didn't know Snookie,

I tried to warn ya, now dindna?



Best one so far.


Credit where it is due. My wife came up with the last line.

Lexington  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:12:21 PM EST
There once was a man from Hyannis,
Who liked strong whiskey and dancing.
He pickled his liver
And killed a girl in a river
And spent the next 50 years in the Senate.

There once was a man from Hyannis,
Who saw my gun and said, “Ban this!”
I got really indignant
Wishing something malignant
Would devour his hypocanthus.
Blitz_308  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:16:24 PM EST
Playing off the thread title...


SOTD was a man from Kent
He said that he'd fo and he fent

In search of a threesome
Succumbed to a trap most fearsome

And by now the money from his kidneys is spent
Blitz_308  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:18:17 PM EST

Originally Posted By DDiggler:
A poster named ShawnOfTheDead
Went to an orgy looking for head.
The lure of a good blowing
Made him say "Fuck it I'm foing"
Now I'm afraid the hogs are well fed.

Damn it, you got in ahead of me. Nice job.
SteelTalon  [Member]
8/4/2010 4:24:17 PM EST
Old MotherHubbard
went to her cubbard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.

When old Mother bent over
old Rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own
pcsutton  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:32:39 PM EST

Originally Posted By SteelTalon:
Old MotherHubbard
went to her cubbard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.

When old Mother bent over
old Rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own

That's a poem, not a lymeric. To be a lymeric the last word in your poem would need to rhyme with Hubbard and cubbord.


ETA: ''and gave her a bit of his nubbard''
YellowHumpy  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 4:58:10 PM EST
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back, opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
Dilbert_556  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 5:01:15 PM EST
There once was a woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her tits down in Dallas
og107  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 5:20:19 PM EST
There once was a girl from Dundee
Who was raped by an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid,
All ass and no forehead.
Three balls and a purple goatee.

There was a girl from Antietam
who loved horse turds so much she would eat 'em.
She'd lie on their rumps and swallow the lumps
as fast as the beasts could excrete 'em.

futuremodal  [Member]
8/4/2010 5:51:14 PM EST
There once was a girl from Pan Am
Whose naughty parts roared like a SAM
She bought a suppressor
So when they undress her
They'd only hear "plinky" not "BLAM!"
clanford  [Member]
8/4/2010 6:08:31 PM EST
A pirate, so history relates
Was scuffling with one of his mates
He slipped on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and practically useless on dates.
rangermonroe  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 6:11:05 PM EST
Oh hell, what have I done?

Grab your glass and get your seat,
And I'll tell you about the Ballad of Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete.

Now Lil was the villiage queen,
The fuckinest whore you've ever seen,
While some girls fucked with grace and ease,
Lil blew dick like the summer breeze.
But when she fucked, she fucked for keeps,
She piled her victims up in heaps.
There was a rumor around that town,
That no man could put Lil's ass down.

But way up North where twin rivers meet,
Lived a one balled half-breed named Yukon Pete.

Pete was a dirty, Motherless soul,
who fucked bears, sheep and woodchuck holes.
He got a whiff of Big Ass Lil,
And packed his rubbers and came down the hill.
He strode into town on size 32 feet,
Draggin' 16 yards of that red hot meat.

Well the scene was set at Windy Mill,
By the brick shithouse high on the hill.
All the ladies came for a ringside seat,
Just to watch that half-breed sink his meat.

Well they fucked and they fucked and they fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, shrubs and flowers.
Lil did front flips, back flips, stunts,
All unknown to most common cunts.

But Pete caught on to every trick,
And kept pumpin' in more dick.

Then Lil gave Pete a whore-house squeeze,
That dropped that half-breed to his knees.
But Pete came back with a Yukon grunt,
That popped out her eyes and split her cunt!

Ol' Lil rolled over, cut two farts and sighed:
"Boys I've been fucked", cut one more and died.

When they asked that half-breed of his amazing feat,
He just said "Boys, I'm going back to the Yukon,
And beat my meat!!!"


Greenhorn  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 6:13:03 PM EST
Here's a classic non-dirty one:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were trapped, so what could they do?
Said the flea, "let us fly!"
"Let us flee!" said the fly.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Riotgun  [Team Member]
8/4/2010 6:22:01 PM EST
There once was a girl from Peru
Who filled up her pussy with glue
She said, with a grin
"If they'll pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"
AnalogKid  [Member]
8/4/2010 6:28:42 PM EST
Said Frosty the Snowman, "Hurray!
I'm agog with excitement today!"
"And the reason, of course...
A reliable source
Said a snow blower's headed this way!"


We knows three girls from Huxham,
Every time we sees 'em we fucks 'em.
When that game gets stale,
We all sit on a rail...
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em!


Going around the mountain, doin' 90;
When the brakes on her motorcycle broke.
She landed in the grass,
With the muffler up her ass...
And her titties playing "Dixie" on the spokes!
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