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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:48:13 PM EDT
[#1]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AaronR: arfcom really needs a subforum for "toxic parents" |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:49:13 PM EDT
[#2]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By HangfiresGhost: If your husbands shoulder is screwed up, a roof and extension ladders is not where he should be. Hire it out. It may be cheaper in the long run. Us older folk don't heal back as well. No advice on your kid, other than now you know who you can rely on. "You can't choose your relatives" works in mysterious ways. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:49:56 PM EDT
[#3]
He has said no. He is not gonna do it. You have to decide if you want to continue giving him money freebies without providing help back to the family.
That said timing for him might be very bad. And he's a grown man. Sounds like there needs to be some separation there. Best of luck with your roof. But y'all probably ought to hire some help. Then probably ought to cut financial ties. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:51:19 PM EDT
[#4]
On another note, it up to you and your husband to fully understand workers comp and what is owed to him. If its impossible for you to figure it out maybe you hire somebody to help you understand. Seems like a pretty critical thing.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:52:58 PM EDT
[#5]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: We really need an eye roll emoji. We do.  <-----You're welcome. 
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NJ, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 4:57:23 PM EDT
[#6]
Explain to him that if you have to pay for someone to help fix the roof you won’t be able to afford to pay for his auto insurance. You were hoping he would help out so you could continue paying for the car insurance.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:03:47 PM EDT
[#7]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Lug1: On another note, it up to you and your husband to fully understand workers comp and what is owed to him. If it's impossible for you to figure it out maybe you hire somebody to help you understand. Seems like a pretty critical thing. @JustinU235 Thanks! (he's hiding but I found him!) |
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:04:01 PM EDT
[#8]
A lot of interpersonal difficulties stem from a failure to manage expectations. You expect him to help you because you help him. He expects you to help him regardless of any reciprocation because that’s what mommy did in the past. It’s time for you to have a conversation with him about your expectations.
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:06:26 PM EDT
[#9]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: We really need an eye roll emoji. If it's toxic to have expectations from your family than I'm sure I fit the bill. I appreciate the wisdom here though and do not regret starting this. My gut said to cut off his insurance but something held me back and it was wrong for me to consider. I made a commitment to him and I will keep it. God blesses me so I can bless others. In this case, he has blessed me so that I can be patient with my son so he can mature. I do believe he should help but I can't and won't make him. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By AaronR: arfcom really needs a subforum for "toxic parents" We have one. It’s under emotes.
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:08:28 PM EDT
[#10]
Probably the most constructive thing you could do for him is simply to cut him off.
He's a 25 year old man. Leave him be. |
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OK, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:10:29 PM EDT
[#11]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that’s insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. This I don’t like quid pro quo when it comes to family, and close friends, but I’m also not going to help someone if they’ve proven they aren’t willing to help me when necessary. If he’s shown you he isn’t going to pitch in then I would drop him from the car and health insurance. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:10:44 PM EDT
[#12]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Thanks, my husband understands it, I don't. His union is involved. It's a process, we've been through before. Thankfully with the kids out of the house and us both working we can manage. @JustinU235 Thanks! (he's hiding but I found him!) Attached File |
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:12:19 PM EDT
[#13]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By GenoGS: This I don’t like quid pro quo when it comes to family, and close friends, but I’m also not going to help someone if they’ve proven they aren’t willing to help me when necessary. If he’s shown you he isn’t going to pitch in then I would drop him from the car and health insurance. I've had friends that would totally not give a shit when I said something like "Can't it's finals week." "Had" being the operative word above |
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OK, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:12:23 PM EDT
[#14]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Thanks, I know it's the right thing to do. I just wish I could do something that will get him to be a better man. I guess there's no substitute for maturity. Umm, he’s 25 he’s the man he’s going to be. It’s unlikely he’s going to become a “better man” here on out. It has nothing to do with maturity. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:13:18 PM EDT
[#15]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By THOT_Vaccine: Probably the most constructive thing you could do for him is simply to cut him off. He's a 25 year old man. Leave him be. Yup. Let baby boy grow up. He WANTS to grow up and have a relationship with you on his terms. It’s up for you to counter with your own terms and see if he accepts. It’s called having adult relationships and not assuming a 25yo is mommy’s little boy anymore. I had to set boundaries with my parents at around the same age. They constantly wanted me to jump their car, drive them here, drive them there, remodel their house, move their furniture, and a whole list of honey-do’s that simply weren’t my problem. All while gossiping and complaining about me to my siblings and their friends and putting my children in danger any time they visited. Our relationship has been 10 times better since I set boundaries and stuck to them. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:16:13 PM EDT
[#16]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: We really need an eye roll emoji. If it's toxic to have expectations from your family than I'm sure I fit the bill. I appreciate the wisdom here though and do not regret starting this. My gut said to cut off his insurance but something held me back and it was wrong for me to consider. I made a commitment to him and I will keep it. God blesses me so I can bless others. In this case, he has blessed me so that I can be patient with my son so he can mature. I do believe he should help but I can't and won't make him. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By AaronR: arfcom really needs a subforum for "toxic parents" Roll your eyes, but the shoe fits, and you are wearing it... You think he is obligated to "heavy labor" with your rental property, and are on arfcom retaliating by badmouthing your own son. You don't seem to really be paying the insurance from the goodness of your heart, but rather making it a contingency and manipulation. Your son is 25 year old. His own person now. He can choose to help or not. Be grateful when he does; NOT retaliatory when he doesn't (this is consistent with Jesus's message). I bet if asked, we'd learn how he is coming over and helping you all the time. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:17:16 PM EDT
[#17]
One of the toughest things to do is to cut off the umbilical cord for young adults. I kept mine on far too long so I'm in no position to judge you.
But you just have to do it. It doesn't have to be antagonistic. Congratulate him on achieving his independence. Give him 30 days warning and let him know he is being dropped from insurance and other assistance. He will need to make arrangements before then. Then follow up on it. Do not weaken. Do not deviate. Just grit your teeth and do it. You will have pushed him out of the nest and he will fly on his own. You will feel a sense of relief. Ask me how I know. 
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:28:05 PM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By QueenDeNile: We talked to both of my sons about needing their help. My son said he wouldn't be able to help until after finals. He works full time as well as goes to school so this was understandable. We made the date for the roofing for May 4th. He is now saying he isn't going to be available to help. Stupid excuse (he misses his sister--his sister isn't aware of his plan to visit her.) He's just being an immature shit. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:30:56 PM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AaronR: Roll your eyes, but the shoe fits, and you are wearing it... You think he is obligated to "heavy labor" with your rental property, and are on arfcom retaliating by badmouthing your own son. You don't seem to really be paying the insurance from the goodness of your heart, but rather making it a contingency and manipulation. Your son is 25 year old. His own person now. He can choose to help or not. Be grateful when he does; NOT retaliatory when he doesn't (this is consistent with Jesus's message). I bet if asked, we'd learn how he is coming over and helping you all the time. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By AaronR: Originally Posted By QueenDeNile: Originally Posted By AaronR: arfcom really needs a subforum for "toxic parents" Roll your eyes, but the shoe fits, and you are wearing it... You think he is obligated to "heavy labor" with your rental property, and are on arfcom retaliating by badmouthing your own son. You don't seem to really be paying the insurance from the goodness of your heart, but rather making it a contingency and manipulation. Your son is 25 year old. His own person now. He can choose to help or not. Be grateful when he does; NOT retaliatory when he doesn't (this is consistent with Jesus's message). I bet if asked, we'd learn how he is coming over and helping you all the time. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:36:12 PM EDT
[#20]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By 10mmillie: Tell him to help or pay his own way. If he says FU then drop him. Pretty much this. But nothing in families is ever simple. |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:36:29 PM EDT
[#21]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By HecklerKac: Too many old people on here that don't remember what it was like being mid 20s and busy as hell with school/work and saying to just cut the kid off and other mean shit. I see a lot of threads on here by guys saying they no longer have a relationship or contact with their "asshole kids".....wonder why I remember mid twenties just fine. I worked in the middle of the ocean on an offshore drilling rig and hadn’t lived at home since 17. Already had bought my first house 6 years earlier and was working on my third year of marriage. We coddle the shit out of young adults today and wonder why they end up how they are. |
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GA, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:43:24 PM EDT
[#22]
25 years old....might seem brutal here but the kid has been enabled with his selfish world view .
We live you son but its time to cut the strings...that money will go to help your dad pay for extra help around the house. Here's the thing...the longer it takes the kid to figure out the real world and the value of family the more painfull those lessons will become . if you love the kid ...let him figure out life before you're gone and he has no family left that live him. Firm ...time to find your way...Love...we love you and you're part of our family |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:44:23 PM EDT
[#23]
Cut him loose. No more help. Love him, but that’s it.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:54:17 PM EDT
[Last Edit: SAE]
[#24]
Sounds like the boy has had it too good for too long.
You should be knowing at this point what you ought to do. He needs to be karate flipped over a fucking table. How disrespectful of him to be a jerk and I mean it! |
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:54:48 PM EDT
[#25]
Thread started off with an incorrect premise which lead to three pages of replies that had little relevance to the issue.
Thread OP is updated with correct premise now. Poor OPs lead to waste of time. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 5:58:33 PM EDT
[#26]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By SuperX925: Thread started off with an incorrect premise which lead to three pages of replies that had little relevance to the issue. Thread OP is updated with correct premise now. Poor OPs lead to waste of time. Yes what's obvious to me isn't always obvious to others. |
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FM, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:05:49 PM EDT
[#27]
This seems like a good time to transfer the bills to his name and he can start taking care of things himself.
That's not in retaliation for not helping. He is 25 after all... |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:06:53 PM EDT
[#28]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By flyhack72: This seems like a good time to transfer the bills to his name and he can start taking care of things himself. That's not in retaliation for not helping. He is 25 after all... My Nephew is almost 30 and living at home, he works but Dad pays most of the bills. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:11:51 PM EDT
[Last Edit: Kraquine]
[#29]
Your son has a history of not helping and doesn't ask for help. Your rental property is a luxury. Finals dictate the rest of his life. GD only gets one side of the story and you're here calling your son an asshole. I can see why he doesn't help and asks for none. |
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CA, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:15:09 PM EDT
[#30]
tell him hes an asshope but get a few mexicans from home depot.gardly worth the long term animosity
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MD, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:28:11 PM EDT
[#31]
I say let it go. He will come around, perhaps not when you want.
Burning the bridge with him will not do anyone any good, and won't fix the roof either. Let it be, and he will come back to you. |
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:34:31 PM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Kraquine: Your son has a history of not helping and doesn't ask for help. Your rental property is a luxury. Finals dictate the rest of his life. GD only gets one side of the story and you're here calling your son an asshole. I can see why he doesn't help and asks for none. 
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:34:50 PM EDT
[#33]
Hire a local kid. Pay him $20.00/hr. Your only out $40.00
How much would it cost your son to make the drive to help you? Your 2 hour project is minimum 4 hours for him if you include drive time. Also, would he be missing work to do this? After a long year the last thing he is gonna want to do is go help mom. I know this is about the principal but it’s really easy to be self centered at 25 years old. I know I was. I never went to birthdays, holidays or family gatherings. I missed most of my only nieces birthday parties. I’m 46 now and I will drive 3 hours just to help my mom set up for a craft fair. I have become a better son through the years. Give it time. He will grow up. Keep the peace for now. It’s not worth the fight. |
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NC, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:35:00 PM EDT
[#34]
Whelp time for him to pay his own car insurance and health insurance.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:35:27 PM EDT
[#35]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Kraquine: Your son has a history of not helping and doesn't ask for help. Your rental property is a luxury. Finals dictate the rest of his life. GD only gets one side of the story and you're here calling your son an asshole. I can see why he doesn't help and asks for none. |
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FM, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:37:59 PM EDT
[#36]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Kraquine: Your son has a history of not helping and doesn't ask for help. Your rental property is a luxury. Finals dictate the rest of his life. GD only gets one side of the story and you're here calling your son an asshole. I can see why he doesn't help and asks for none. That son may also inherit the property so asking for a bit of sweat equity is not inappropriate. Hell, patching up some spots on the roof is not that difficult and not a tremendous ask--especially if his stepdad is injured. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:39:20 PM EDT
[#37]
At age 25, I had a Masters degree and had been married for two years.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:42:03 PM EDT
[#38]
Stop enabling and stop feeling bad. Either make a change or don't and stop admiring the problem.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:42:19 PM EDT
[#39]
Is this the autistic son that wants to go to NYC?
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Posted: 4/27/2024 6:46:45 PM EDT
[#40]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By NotIssued: Is this the autistic son that wants to go to NYC? |
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 7:03:38 PM EDT
[#41]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By flyhack72: That son may also inherit the property so asking for a bit of sweat equity is not inappropriate. Hell, patching up some spots on the roof is not that difficult and not a tremendous ask--especially if his stepdad is injured. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By flyhack72: Originally Posted By Kraquine: Your son has a history of not helping and doesn't ask for help. Your rental property is a luxury. Finals dictate the rest of his life. GD only gets one side of the story and you're here calling your son an asshole. I can see why he doesn't help and asks for none. That son may also inherit the property so asking for a bit of sweat equity is not inappropriate. Hell, patching up some spots on the roof is not that difficult and not a tremendous ask--especially if his stepdad is injured. Well, you’re right about one thing, patching some spots on a roof really isn’t that big of a deal. A modest sized section of my roof was damaged in a storm a couple of years ago & I hired it out for like $350. All this drama over a couple hundred dollars worth of repairs. |
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 7:36:04 PM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By denverdan: Curious how you set someone on fire “a little.” Matches between his toes. Saw it in a documentary once. Paladin |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 7:38:00 PM EDT
[#43]
Wow, some of these replies. Presumably you had kids because you wanted them not because you needed another strong back on the plantation.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 7:44:46 PM EDT
[#44]
I think it's reasonable for him to say he'll help after finals, but if he won't help at all that's a different story. It seems like a reasonable solution is to update your wills so he won't inherit the rental house he won't help maintain.
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USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 7:49:49 PM EDT
[#45]
Are you not charging high enough rent to hire a part time handyman? How about a day laborer?
I don’t think I would be thrilled to do anything during finals week except focus on school. Does he really say “fuck you”? Tell him it’s disrespectful and to cut it out. If he won’t then back it up with co sequences and no contact. He will come around. |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 7:54:37 PM EDT
[#46]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By flyhack72: That son may also inherit the property so asking for a bit of sweat equity is not inappropriate. Hell, patching up some spots on the roof is not that difficult and not a tremendous ask--especially if his stepdad is injured. The funny thing though is he has a history of not helping so OPs expectations were met with............. disappointment?  It's a non-issue. Hire someone who wants to help Problem solved |
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Posted: 4/27/2024 7:55:50 PM EDT
[#47]
Damn. I live 1700 miles away from my dad. If he called and said he needed help with something, I'd be booking a flight as soon as I got off the call with him.
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Posted: 4/27/2024 8:07:06 PM EDT
[#48]
Not really sure why you would ask him during his finals to go and patch a roof
I have a daughter also doing her finals and wouldn't dream of interrupting her studies as she's come this far and needs no distractions ,could you not get a roofing company out to do the repair ? is money that tight that you have to do it yourself if so ask him if he'd help out after his finals are over . |
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KY, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 8:16:34 PM EDT
[#49]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By ramairthree: If you are asking him to help in the middle of finals- that's insane. If you are asking him to help when finals are over- That would be a reasonable expectation. |
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AZ, USA
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Posted: 4/27/2024 8:17:37 PM EDT
[#50]
We are supposed to help each other. You help him , he helps you.
If he wants it to be one sided cut him off. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. |
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